Hey, Hey. Hey, Guess What?

IT'S CHRISTMAS! Okay, it's not technically Christmas yet, but it's close enough. For...saying IT'S CHRISTMAS! Just leave me be and let me be happy. :) I'm just glad Christmas is finally here, because it felt so far away. But now it'll be over so soon. Ugh. Another one come and gone.

Anyway, I'm not really going anywhere with this; I just wanted to say: Merry Christmas! I pray that everyone has a great Christmas and gets to spend a lot of time with their families with minimal stress and/or crying. Except crying with happiness. Right.

God bless all of you! I love you!

I'm Still Here

Beat me down
Lie to my face
Turn your back
I’ll still be here

You can question me
Second guess my faith
Avoid me like a plague
I’ll still be here

You lied to me
Swore you were always true
Destroyed my trust
I was still here

You got sick of me
Turned me away
We’re okay now cause
I was still here

You left me behind
Traded me for others
While wondering if you care
I’m still here

Make up your mind
Or follow your gut
Whichever path you choose
I’m still here

Call me a loyal fool
Call me sentimental
Maybe one day you’ll need me
Maybe that day is today

I’m still here

The Results Are In! And My Love Language Is...

Physical Touch!!! Who knew it? Eh? Eh? Haha. Yeah, so I started and completed The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman today. Yes, I am a bookworm. It was a very good read; I suggest it for everybody. It's good to know. I did not know until after I read it (as I was skimming through the last pages which consisted of ads for other books) that there was a version for us single folk. I read the marriage version. Doesn't change the fact that it was majorly informative. I'll probably get the singles version and read that one as well. Why not?

Anyway, if you've never read the book, heard anyone talk about it, or are totally lost, I'll give you the basics. Everybody has a love language; something that speaks to their personal emotional needs and makes them feel truly loved. If you do not speak your spouse's love language, he/she may feel rejected and unloved (this is the married version, mind you). The five love languages are: Quality Time, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch. Quality Time: You want to spend time with your significant other and really talk, not just be in the same room. Acts of Service: You feel loved when he/she does things - big and small - for you without being asked and especially if you know they would normally never do those things - unless they truly loved you. Receiving Gifts: When you get gifts, your desire to feel loved is fulfilled; they don't have to be expensive - it is the thought that matters. Words of Affirmation: You need to be complimented, told how much you are appreciated, and be encouraged constantly in order to feel loved. Physical Touch: That's a no-brainer; whether it's a hug, a kiss, holding hands, cuddling, or even a brush of the hand when he/she passes by, you need it to feel that he/she loves you.

Of course, the book goes into much greater detail and gives tips on speaking the other's love language if it is not your "primary" love language. As I read through each language, I obviously pondered whether or not it was my primary one. Quality Time is a big deal to me, for sure. I knew that Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, and Words of Affirmation were definitely not it. I enjoy having things done for me sometimes; and who doesn't like getting gifts? I just wouldn't like it all the time. Not really. Words of Affirmation...I have always felt kind of uncomfortable when people complimented me a lot about something. Don't get me wrong; I love being complimented (duh). It's just not me. I got to Physical Touch, and I was sold. Haha. I took the test at the end and got the highest score possible towards Physical Touch. Quality Time was second, with the others quite far behind.

So, that's why I'm a hugger. And a dang good one at that...that's what I've been told, anyway. ;) One of the things I've gotten from being home is a lot of affection. My family - particularly my mom's side - are all touchy-feely...I love it! Papa Joe is awesome; today I took a nap in the recliner with him. Haha. So great. I think things like that are the reason Physical Touch is my primary love language, although I'm not sure how much a person's raising has to do with it. Dr. Chapman (the author/psychologist) talked a little about how children have love languages as well. Once again, everyone needs to read that book if they haven't already. If you have, I would love to know what your love language is. Just for personal knowledge. ;) Maybe you already know!

Yes, I am a dork, but you love me. And if you love me, you'll give me a hug! ;) ;) ;)

Coming Home

For the last two weeks - or more, really - I have been SO ready to come home. I've never been like that. It wasn't what you would call homesickness; it was being sick of where I was. Too much crap was going on, and I was ready to get away from it. However, today when I was getting ready to go, I felt reluctant to leave. What on earth?! How does that make sense?

I just get so dadgum emotionally connected to places and people. Especially people. It's another negative aspect of being an overly emotional being. For example, a few years ago I was betrayed by my best friend - whom I had been friends with since preschool. I did not deal well with having my trust in her destroyed. Who would? So for the longest time after I confronted her, we didn't really talk and definitely didn't hang out. However, during the summer, her mother asked to talk to me, and she told me that her daughter, my friend, needed me. She said things like, "You're a good influence on her," and "Y'all have been friends too long to just let it go." Or something like that. Anyway, I ended up going to see the girl. We eventually became okay (we still are), but we never again became that close. Of course, I didn't trust her enough to tell her a whole lot. And she's one of those people that holds everything in anyway.

Someone else who hurt me was obviously having a hard time, and I so badly wanted to ask her what was wrong. I knew that wouldn't fly. Or I didn't want to admit that I cared that much. But I do. And it's annoying.

As much resentment as I have felt towards so many people at school, I am STILL emotionally connected. And it will stay that way. Eventually it will get better, and I won't think about it so much; but it will still be there. I don't forget this kind of stuff. I wish I could. Things would be so much easier if I could. But things are never easy. We make them hard. I know I do, but so much of it is ingrained in me. I can't help it.

It doesn't help that I may still be working on the forgive part.

My Poetry

Flowers and dewdrops
Mystical rains
Images hidden
Behind perfect words

No

Broken hearts with tears
Shards of glass
Pain and happiness
Thrown in your face

Simple to read
Hard to swallow
This poetry of mine
Are you willing to follow?

Finals...

El espanol final es fin! Gracias a Dio!

Haha...I am done with Spanish! For one semester, anyway. I don't know if I can last another one...ugh. Tomorrow (or today, rather) is World Lit I. I am just ready to get it over with. After that, I have no more studying to do; SCORE! Wednesday is Public Comm, and Thursday is Instructional Technology in the Classroom. If that last one sounds ominous, fear not! For it is only a class full of busy work and a teacher who is quite anal! Okay, that's kind of mean, and I'm sorry. But seriously, that is one of the most ridiculous classes I've ever been in, and I will be SO ecstatic when it's finally over. We just have a presentation for Public Comm; we have a meeting tomorrow night to finalize everything.

So, at around one o'clock tomorrow afternoon, I will be free from the shackles of studying. Furthermore, at around four o'clock Thursday afternoon, I will be OUT.

Ah...sweet break...

Then back January 2 for J-term. However, I'm excited about that and looking forward to it - minus the homework part.

;)

What Makes Me Love You?

How do we grow to love people? I mean, really love them? We all have friends, family, people we know. Most of us would do anything for some people. I would do anything for pretty much anybody, regardless of how I felt about them. I think I would, anyway. I haven't had to cross that bridge before. Just hang with me, here...

When you tell someone a secret, you create this bond with that person. It may be in passing, someone completely out of the blue; it may be someone that you have known your whole life but have never really spent a lot of time with or talked to. Either way, you look at them differently afterwards. Why? You could have related a struggle that you've been having or something you've done that not a lot of people know about. Whatever it was, it was something that you wouldn't normally share with just anybody, but for some reason...you did. With that person. Maybe you felt driven to share it because they may be struggling with something similar, and you want to help. Or you may get this feeling that, out of all your close friends, that person will understand...more than any of the people you normally share your secrets with. And that...changes everything. Once again, why?

You shared yourself.

You handed them a part of yourself that is not out in the open. You let down your guard - just for that moment - and forever changed your perspective of him/her. Your perspective is now one of seeing him/her as someone who holds a part of you. And you know what's scary about that? Now he/she has power over you. Of course, that's the more pessimistic way to look at it. The more optimistic view would be that of seeing that person as another connection, another person to share your life with - just a part of your life.

Back to the original question: How do we grow to love people? Simple. We share pieces of ourselves with them. You share an experience or struggle, and a connection is created. There will always be people that you just casually talk to and hang out with; however, there are those that you choose to become closer to and share yourself with. When that happens, they hold a part of you; I guess you could say that their holding you is endearing, in a way. I can't think of a better word to describe it. There are certain people that you just want to pour your life into and lay it all on the line. You may not know what draws you to them, but there is something. Maybe it's because you want them to share themselves with you, if only to help them. But...what if they don't reciprocate? What if they walk away? When they walk away, they walk away with a part of you that you can't take back. You may have shared it with someone else, but there is still that person - who chose to walk away - out there with that piece. Sometimes, it's not a big deal. Other times...it's devastating. However, there are people that do reciprocate, that do share their secrets with you. And that's amazing. It can be.

But what happens when that falls apart as well?

I guess that would depend upon you. And how you react to such things. Furthermore, that depends upon what has happened to you before and how you handled other - possibly very similar - situations.

So, to quote myself - "What's my issue?!" - you may be wondering how I got started on all of this. Not that any of y'all wonder about where I get this stuff anymore, because it is seemingly very random. ;) Anyway... I thought up a quote last night that I am quite proud of but am not sure about its originality: "Why do I try to give my heart away when it's not mine to give? It is God's." To counter myself, this is truth: I want someone to share my life with. And I don't mean just all my secrets; I mean EVERYTHING. I want someone to know my past, what I do in the present, and what I hope and plan to do in the future. I want someone to know what I'm thinking. I want someone to know my every expression. I want someone to know why I'm crying, even if I don't (if that's possible). Furthermore, I want to hold someone else's life like that.

Believe me, I know that it is beyond idealistic - to the point of delusion - to think that that is possible. I also know that God knows all of that. Forgive me for possibly being non-Christian and heretic, but that is not what I want in this case. In this case, I want my husband to be that person with whom I share lives with...A life with. Yes, I know the things that I want take time...LOTS of time...and I can't say I'm willing to wait. I've never been patient in waiting for something like this. I am getting better, but I have so much more to learn and so many things to become content about.

I love talking to people. And for the most part, I believe I do actually enjoy sharing secrets/struggles/thoughts with certain people. Where I really mess up is sharing everything with the wrong people. Don't think that I am saying some people are just wrong; I am saying that they are wrong for me. I get caught up in my love for someone and don't hold back. Some people put up a wall, huge defenses that no one can get through, because they won't let anyone through. They don't want anyone to see everything. Maybe therein lies my problem: I want someone to get through. I throw my heart on my sleeve and wait for someone to ask me about it. What if I didn't do that? What if I kept things hidden away or acted like certain things didn't happen?

I wouldn't be me.

But is being me a problem? I am flawed; of this I am acutely and painfully aware. How much of myself can I put in the open until it is a certifiable problem? Is it ever? Of course, there are some things that people will never know; those things are always present. However, is a wall necessary? I know many people that would say, "Yes, my wall is absolutely necessary. What else keeps me from being hurt by others?" To those I say: "But are you happy with your wall? If you are happy with it, are you truly untouched by others? Do you really avoid the pain of being betrayed or loved?" Because I believe there is a certain amount of pain in being loved. I won't go into that for now... Anyway, how can we truly be safe from the pain others can bring? To quote John Donne, "No man is an island unto himself." We are all connected; we are all affected. Is a true defense system even possible? No. I don't believe so.

To conclude this rambling of mine, I leave you with this:

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?" - Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

Leaving It Up To You

This is a song I wrote Sunday; there have been several times where I have been inspired while in church. I guess that makes a lot of sense, huh? Believe it or not, this is one of the happier songs I've ever written. That's just how I work; when I get down, I write. I'm working on writing stuff when I'm in a good mood or having a great day, but that's still in progress.

Leaving It Up To You

Down in the depths
Of my own sorrow
Suffocating slowly
I am brought so low

I can't see the light
Hopelessness takes me
No desire to get up
Let the darkness have me

(chorus)
I can't do this anymore
God, You'll have to make me
Want to live, want to try
Take my hand and lift my soul
There's no more I can do
I'm leaving it up to you

I felt so alone
With no one to hold me
Tell me to keep going
This is temporary

I wanted so badly to quit
No more burdens to bear
But I turned to God
And this was my prayer

(chorus)
I can't do this anymore
God, You'll have to make me
Want to live, want to try
Take my hand and lift my soul
There's no more I can do
I'm leaving it up to you

Why do I wait so long
To let go of what holds me down
When You're waiting patiently
For Your grace to be found

I try so hard to fix it
I try to do it on my own
When I need to look to You
And hold on to You alone

What a relief to leave it up to You
God, I'm thankful You've made me
Want to live, want to try
You picked me up lovingly saying
There's no more for you to do
I'm taking it up for You

Trying, Crying, and Letting Go

So, if you know me at all, you know I'm stubborn to a fault. Well, it is a fault, I guess. Unless it applies to standing strong in what I believe in. Aaaanyway...when something is wrong, I try to fix it. And I'm so hard-headed that I will not let it go. I have to do something. I have to make it better. I try with everything I have to fix things that I have no chance of fixing. Still, I try. And I hold on.

I also cry. A lot. It's a condition I've had since I became emotionally aware...of my emotions. Haha...ha. Lol. Moving on...I am so emotional. And I don't like it. I hate it when I get to talking about something that is dear to me or makes me angry or sad, and I start to break down or do break down - especially in front of a group of people. It is SO much fun, let me tell you! I wish I could keep my cool better. I wish I could talk rationally (and clearly) about things that really matter to me, but most of the time it's impossible. It frustrates me, and I wish I could do something about it. But I can't.

When I try so hard to fix something that can't be fixed, I eventually end up crying. Of course, I cry along the way, too. I have been so low that I don't know how I'm going to ever get up again. I didn't know if I wanted to. When you hit rock bottom, there's only one place to go: Up. But how do you start? How do you find that first foothold? I knew there was a foothold, and I knew how to find it. However, I wanted to try and find it myself. For someone who tries to downplay her abilities and doesn't trust herself, I must be insane to not learn from my mistakes. I am insane, but that's beside the point. ;) I am so stubborn that I continue to use the same old methods of fixing things that have never worked to fix a problem that I know how to fix...but not by doing it myself. The problem was not knowing how to fix it; the problem was when I was willing to let it go. I can't tell God that I'm letting it go if I'm still holding on and analyzing and trying to solve. I'm just saying the words...and that means nothing. There's nothing behind it. It wasn't like I had some revelation or something somebody said triggered anything; I just had simply had enough. Enough of trying. Enough of failing. Enough of feeling this anger, bitterness, and sadness that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at once.

I'm still not sure what's going on with me, and there are numerous things still flying through my brain that I can't figure out. There's a lot of things I don't know, and maybe I'll never find some out. Right now, at this moment...that's okay. I'm okay. And that's all you need to know.

Crashing

What do you do when you feel like everything is going wrong? All you can do is just let it happen. Nothing seems like it will ever be the same again. You question yourself, others, and, worst of all, God. God wants something from you, but you have no clue what that is. You don't even know where to begin fixing any of it. Controlling the situation is impossible, because it's gotten so far out your reach. No one's telling you what to do, or what not to do, so you place these boundaries on yourself that restrain you to a little box in which you can't move, breathe, or even really think.

What do you do?

I broke down. That's what I did last week. I didn't know what else to do; my mind, body, and soul didn't know what else to do.

Why do we do this to ourselves? It can be avoided, but do we ever really understand what the consequences of any of our actions are? It's nearly impossible to determine. Maybe there is a point at which we get a feeling that something may not turn out for the best if an action is not ceased; however, how often do we listen to that feeling? And can not everything be misconstrued or twisted the wrong way? At what point does it change from being our own fault to someone else's for taking it incorrectly? Does it ever? Is it still our fault because we are responsible for others' faiths? Possibly just as responsible for our own?

There's another thing that I do not know. Along with so many others. And I hate not knowing. I hate being in the dark. I hate not knowing where I stand.

Am I afraid of being let loose? Honestly, I like to have guidelines. Restrictions. Maybe that's why I put so many on myself. Although sometimes I have the urge to do something completely unexpected, maybe even on the edge of being beyond what is accepted. By who is irrelevant. But what is this feeling of suffocation that I feel? I believe it is my own walls closing in, because I don't know how far I can go.

And that bothers me to no end.

How far can I go? Where does it start? Where do I stop?

Who will tell me when I get there?

Magnum

Magnum, who passed away last night. I don't know exactly how old he was, but I know he was between six and eight. Although he wasn't the brightest dog we've ever had, he was definitely one of the sweetest. I miss him, but it won't really hit me until I go home again and only see Sandy waiting for me in the driveway.

Who I Am

It's just crazy the places you end up, isn't it? How did I go from being pretty quiet and shy in high school, to one of the loudest and craziest people you'll ever met? There was a definite turning point, but there has also been obvious growth since then. I've crawled more and more out of my shell as the years go by. I don't worry about what people think; however, that never was a very prominent concern in the first place. Most of my previous shyness was the result of not wanting to waste people's time. If I thought there was a possibility that someone didn't really want to talk to me, I wouldn't even try. That was before. Before Volunteer Girls State (ask me some time and I'll try to explain it - best week of my life helps sum it up). Before I told myself that I would no longer hold back but be myself to the utmost.

God brought me to Union. I've met SO many amazing people here, it's ridiculous. Having this many wonderful people who try to live for God should be illegal. Of course, I am seriously glad it's not. The girls on the soccer team alone are gorgeous in their own ways, inside and out (who knew 35 girls could get along so well?). There are also a ton of people that I've met outside of soccer, as well.

To get to the main point of this whole blog:

I have really learned part of who I am in the last year or so. I have learned that:

• As much as I don't want to, I will disappoint people
• I am maternal (haha)
• It hurts to care as much as I do
• By being an emotional person, I help others deal with their emotions
• I know how to deal with people when they get emotional (most of the time)
  
• I can help people trust
• I do believe in myself...sometimes
• Contrary to popular belief, I can get REALLY ticked (and mean)
• I have no self-discipline
  
• There are some things that just really set me off
• I have to know where I stand with people, or it drives me insane
• I like to face problems (especially with people) head on
• Confrontation is not among my favorite things to do, but I do find it necessary quite often
• My emotions definitely drive a lot of my decisions
• My own emotions can confuse me
• Sometimes, I am an idiot (wait, I am pretty sure I already knew that...)
• Sometimes, I can be really intelligent (only sometimes)
• I really LOVE having serious discussions on almost any topic
• I LOVE goofing off and doing mischevious things
• I am pretty much a pushover
• However, I can only take so much stuff, and I WILL hold my ground
• My heart is even more on my sleeve than I thought it was
  

So I think I can stop there; I really didn't realize the list would be that long! Nevertheless, I have a feeling that that list will just continue to grow as I accumulate new friends who teach me things about myself and get closer to God, who already knows everything about me. I'm really looking forward to it.

Too Fast

This week has been ridiculous. It's already technically Friday, and I feel like it's just begun. I also feel like I'm running out of time. Time for what, I'm not sure. Running out of time to do what I need or want to do, probably. I've had a lot of homework to do, soccer takes up around three hours every day, and classes seem to have multiplied for some reason.

I've said before that I don't like to have nothing to do; having a lot of stuff going on makes me appreciate things, strangely. However, feeling this rushed and almost panicked drives me crazy. I need some serious downtime, and I won't really get any this weekend. We have soccer practice on Saturday AND Sunday! Ugh. Not only that, but I have committed to singing at my hometown's Heritage Festival Saturday. After I sing, I'm going to drive right back to Jackson with little time left before practice. I need some time to just breathe. I just want to hang out without homework and other duties shadowing me the whole time. I would like some time to think; about what, I'm not real sure either. I hate when I don't have time to think about something that I need time to think about. This has been one of those weeks where I do not have time. Things need to slow down, if just for one day.

As for my last post, I want y'all to understand that it was not about giving up. However, I did get close to giving up the possibility of being on varsity. It was one of those days where I felt like my work was futile, and I was feeling helpless. I'm not sure what else was going on in my head, but I know I was really emotional that night. That tends to happen every once in a while. ;) I don't know if this is making much sense; nevertheless, I wanted to clarify that I wasn't giving up on anything, except maybe not caring at all about soccer.

I'm ready for this week to be over, but there's no guarantee that next week will be any less chaotic. We'll just have to see, won't we?

Romans 5:3-5

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

What does that mean to me? Now - at this moment - it hurts me. Last year, it gave me a boost to think that the suffering I was going through with compartment syndrome would be transformed into perseverance, then character, then hope. And at the beginning of this semester, I thought it had. And maybe it did; maybe I'm not as characterally weak as I was last year.

I tried to tell myself I didn't care. Screw varsity. Play for me.

I don't work that way. God doesn't work that way.

Once upon a time, I had plans to play with the U. S. Women's National Team. Some time in high school, I decided that I was nowhere close to being talented or dedicated enough to do that. But I thought that I could at least play in college. That's what my goal was throughout high school. I had no idea where I wanted to go, but I knew that I wanted to play. My first dream school was University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. I decided that I was not on that level either. It was then that I decided I would settle for whatever school took me. It was God that sent me to Union, I am positive of that. I KNOW that.

This past spring when I knew I would either have to quit playing soccer or have surgery, I prayed that God would tell me what to do. I knew I wanted to play soccer, but I wasn't sure that's what He wanted. My "dew on the blanket" was a stuffed soccer ball pillow. Normally I don't sleep holding onto any kind of stuffed animal or anything, but I prayed that I would hold on to that soccer ball one night: If I woke up and it was still on the bed, I would have surgery and keep playing. If I woke up and the ball had fallen to the floor, I would take that as a sign that I was meant to quit soccer.

I woke up several times that night. I guess I was so nervous about that stupid soccer ball falling to the floor; I didn't want it to happen. In the morning, it was still on the bed. I had surgery.

I guess my mistake this semester was thinking that I had a chance. And I keep thinking it. Maybe I just need to forget about it, and wait until next year. But I can't. I know I can't. But now I'm confused. Is this God telling me that I should have quit soccer and just given up? Or is it Satan testing me, watching me fall?

I'm losing hope. I feel like my character is weak. I have no perseverance. Yet I suffer.

Two Wins, One Program

Yesterday kicked off (ha) the second season of the Union University Lady Bulldog Soccer Program! Our reserve game was first against Ittawamba Community College (Mississippi); we won three to zero. The varsity team then dominated Bryan College 5-0. Varsity showed out. We're going to be good this year, and Lambuth was at the varsity game to see the magic. Haha...I just enjoyed seeing our rivals witnessing the game. Both teams are off to a good start; we just have to keep it up!

Reserve Team Optimism

As of Friday night, I am a member of the Union University Women's Soccer reserve team. I wasn't surprised, because I knew my knee had hurt my chances. It doesn't really bother me, but my reaction time is off because I don't trust it yet. Another reason Coach B gave me was that my positioning was off in my position. He put me at defensive back (which is glorious), but all last year he put me at outside midfielder. Therefore, I am used to that position. Despite those things (and some conditioning), Coach said I should be able to move up in a week or two. Our assistant coach, Isaac, told me that I could tackle better than most of the girls on the team; you can imagine how good that made me feel. He said we could work on it even more, because there were a few times where I could have tackled but didn't. I'm excited about that. A few of the girls were waiting outside as I was talking to Coach; they said that they had expected a flood from me if I made reserve. I'm not surprised that they expected that. However, I was mentally prepared for it and knew I could work my way up to varsity. I'm going to work my butt off.

New Preseason, New People, Old Tiredness

Last Wednesday the Union women's soccer team moved in to begin preseason. We had one of our fitness tests that night (which I failed miserably), then left Thursday for Camp Linden. The team trip was awesome; we have twenty-two new girls, thirty-six in all. I was glad I was a returning player, because I at least knew all the old girls. It took me a little bit to get all the names of the new ones. I'm still unsure about a couple of them. Anyway, most of the girls are really cool; I laughed so hard during the trip that my throat got hoarse! Haha. It was a blast. We did another ropes course (we did one last year), and that went well.

Saturday we had our first official practice. We will eventually be put into varsity and junior varsity teams, but for this week, we are just one big team. Saturday Coach split us up into four teams, and we scrimmaged. Each team played three games, so everybody got to play everybody. It went great; it was the perfect way to see each girl play. We have a lot of good girls, and I think we're going to have a good year. At this point I'm not real sure I'll make the varsity team, especially considering the fact that I now have a screwed up right knee. It started bugging me about a week and a half ago, but I thought it was something I had dealt with before and didn't think much about it. However, Saturday while I was running the mile and a half fitness test, it started hurting pretty significantly. Then it hurt in practice as well, but not that bad. Yesterday, it was killing me. I finally asked Joel - one of the trainers - to check it out, and he told me it was conjulation (spelling?). I think it's the knee cap or the cushioning under it getting rough and causing me a lot of pain. Joel also said something about calcium build-up, so I'm not real sure what's going on. The thing that really stuck in my mind and bothers me now is that he said, "It's one of those nagging things that take a while." I said, "Oh, that's great. Another one." My calves are doing good; they get tight, but nothing like they were. If my flipping knee wasn't messing with me, I could be doing great. However, it can't seem to be that easy.

There's one of the girls on the team that has really bad shin splints; they've bothered her for I don't know how long. I think it's been more than a year. Anyway, she has been told that there's really nothing they can do about it but just deal with it. And you know what? She does. I mean, if it gets too bad, she just drops out, but she gets back in as quickly as possible. I don't know if I could "deal with it." I'm going to have to deal with my calves, but it's not just intolerable. I don't know. I can't help but feel like I have a low tolerance for pain. Anyway...

Preseason days are so long. One day tends to feel like two or three at a time. We're busy, then we have a little downtime, then busy again, downtime, and so on. It's just crazy. It really messes with your internal clock. Haha. I still like it, though. I definitely don't like the running, but I still like preseason. There's just something about it. Although yesterday I thought it would be nice if my other friends from school were on campus. It's neat to have it to ourselves, but I just had the sudden desire to see somebody I knew walking down the sidewalk who is not on the team. This year is going to be fun.

One Week

Exactly one week until we move in for preseason!!! I'm excited. I'm excited to get into playing soccer, meeting all the new girls (and there are a lot), and going on our team trip. I am ready! Well, maybe not for the fitness tests, but I know it's not for trying the last week or so. I've been alternating running three miles and running the ten sprints and jogging back. I guess I'll just have to see if it worked when we do it. We're actually doing the sprint test the day we move in at around eight. Then I think we are running our mile and a half Saturday evening we get back from our trip. I kind of like the idea, because we can get it done with. It's also a little harder if you have a couple of days where you don't run, then you have to go and do both your fitness tests in the same day; that's what we did last year. Moved in on Thursday, left Friday for our trip, got back Sunday, did our mile and a half Monday morning, practiced Monday evening, then ran our sprints like in the middle of practice. Now that I think about it, not really a great plan. Anyway, we're doing it completely different this year, and I'm not complaining.

I was pretty ticked at the possibility of being in Breakfast Club, but now I'm okay with it. I may not be so much when I actually have to do the running, though. Haha. Who wouldn't? However, I mainly see it as an opportunity to get in great shape for the season. I just pray it won't last past the first week; of course, that depends on how Brandon thinks we do, how hard he thinks we are working (running). Last year I was so ticked when I didn't make my mile and a half because I made it in the summer. This year, I knew I had ground to make up, and I have tried and am trying to make it up. If I don't make it, I'll know I tried. The last two weeks, anyway. Regardless, I believe I'll take it better this time. I guess we'll just have to see...

Running

Blasted fitness tests. Why did I even begin to think that I was ready for them? Well, I knew I wasn't ready for the mile and a half, but I thought I had the sprints! It was the jogging back part that got me. I ended up making them only after I resorted to the old method: Sprint, rest for a minute, sprint back, and so on. Yeah, I know it; I am a wimp. I'm also an idiot for waiting THIS LONG to realize that I need to step it up in the fitness department. I should have been working harder all summer long instead of waiting until now when I'm pretty much messed. It's not like I've really been slacking off; it's that I could have been working so much harder than I have been. I could have been running more than just our workout. I should have been. However, one my greatest faults is a serious lack of self-discipline. Therefore, I just didn't. I told myself I would NOT be in Breakfast Club, I WOULD get back and beyond where I was at the end of last summer. Did I do either of those? Well, one I certainly did not, and the other is looking pretty certain. I can't blame anyone but myself, and I am thoroughly ticked about it. At myself, of course.

On another note, I have taken two trips to Jackson the last two weeks to hang out with Cheslie and play some soccer. I was going to take another this week, but I was asked to fill in at a lawyer's office in H-don for the whole week. Ches informed me that I HAVE to come next week; I didn't argue. I have so much fun hanging out there at Bredow's house with the girls (and the guys that drop by). Last week my brother went with me, because our parents were gone on a short trip. That was hilarious (construction barrels!!!). Good memories. Maybe I'll be "stealth" and show up without announcing it. Haha. Ches probably wouldn't care.

When I was in high school, I didn't participate in any pranks or anything. My friends just didn't really do those kinds of things, and I just didn't have a lot of interest in them. College, however, has been a little different. It's not like I've been a complete juvenile delinquent (I'm not really a juvenile anymore, am I?), but I have been a participant in a couple of random acts of stupidity. Haha. Man, it is fun. Don't worry, I won't go crazy with it or anything; it's just funny. It makes it even funnier when these things happen that I'm thinking, " I can't BELIEVE I'm doing this!!!" Let me just tell you, businesses don't seem to trust people anymore...bolting signs to their brick and all that. HAHA! What makes them do that? Oh, I guess it must be because of people like us that try to steal the sign! Hm...interesting thought...

Summer Thoughts

Oh, summer. Preseason seems so far away. I'm excited about going. It's actually just a month away, but at the moment a month feels like a year. I'm ready to be back at school. Well, I'm ready to see all my friends again. I love Union. For some reason I'm a little nervous about meeting all the new soccer girls. I guess it's mainly because it'll be like meeting a whole new team, considering there are over twenty of them. I'm excited about that as well, though.

Relationships can be so...weird. I tend to complicate things, so I mainly blame myself. Whatever. I'm not making much sense - again. I'm just looking for the right person, and I think sometimes it frustrates me that I haven't found him yet. It's not like I don't have time. I also tend to get impatient about certain things. I'm working with God to improve on that.

I really don't have much to say; I just felt like I needed to write something. Summer has almost been a break for my emotions. Not completely, of course. I can never have a total break from them. It's just been a lot less emotionally draining. I guess that shouldn't be a surprise.

Relating

I can't relate. You're going through something that has to do with drinking? Sorry, can't help you. What about sex? Nope! Don't even get me started on drugs; I won't get anywhere.

It's not like I've never done anything wrong; total opposite. Well, not total opposite, because the total opposite would be that I have done everything wrong. That's not too far from the truth, but...ugh! I'm not doing very well with explaining this. There are different kinds of sin; I couldn't name off all of them or anything. I'm no expert. I do know that there are "physical" sins. I consider those to be things like drinking, having sex - things that harm/affect your body. Then there are I guess what you could call "mental" sins - dirty thoughts, I think. Ha. Think...anyway, I believe there could also be a category we will call "emotional" sins. I'm not exactly sure what would constitute an emotional sin, but I'm pretty sure I've committed it.

I guess one of the biggest sins I have committed/commit is what I call a "faith" sin. Does that make sense? I don't always have the faith I should in God. I don't know if that would fit into one of the aforementioned categories, but for the moment I am putting it in its own. I try to fix things; I want to help people with their problems, and I want to solve my own. It kills me when I can't do anything to alleviate someone else's suffering. However, that is NOT my place. It is God's. Who am I to think that I can do God's job? I don't believe it's a question of pride; well, maybe it is. My mind is made to be analytical; because of that, it is all set to look at a problem from every angle and deduct the best possible way of handling it. It absolutely frustrates me if I cannot find a solution. I think along the lines of, "I should be able to figure this out! Why is this so hard?" The answer is that I am not SUPPOSED to figure it out! God throws things in my way to get me to turn to HIM, not myself! I'm supposed to lean on Him when I am having trouble dealing with something; He can and wants to handle it. I just won't let Him do His job a lot. I'm working on that; it's definitely a learning process.

The main point I am trying to get across is this: I haven't been through a lot of serious things in my life when I look at what other people have gone through. However, you want to call me perfect? What you see as perfect is only skin deep. Would you be surprised to know that I have made the mistake of assuming I'm better than some people because I didn't fall for the same temptations that they did? What I didn't realize at the time is that they are impervious to a lot of the temptations that I succomb to daily. I am no better than anyone who has slept with twenty or more different people, who go out to drink every weekend, who get high every chance they get.

My confessed sin may not sound as bad as some others, but in God's eyes it is no different. And His eyes are the only ones that really matter.

So the Summer Begins

It always happens. I expect to be SO BORED all summer, cause there's nothing I really have planned. WRONG. Last week I had something to do every day. Lifeguarding hadn't even started yet. Sunday I hung out with Kyle, one of my friends from H-don. Monday I went to the H-don graduation; I might have done something earlier that day. Tuesday...I can't remember. Haha. I know I did something! Wednesday I sold corndogs for Relay For Life. Thursday, it seems like Mom and I did something. (Yeah, this reminescing thing is going real smooth.) Friday I had a big date with Richard in Dickson. Saturday Mom and I took a trip to Jackson and got in a little shopping.

This Sunday was my first day back at lifeguarding. The pool opened Saturday. I also worked a party this morning for about an hour and a half. I'm working tomorrow and Thursday. I seem to have very little aptitude for remembering stuff about my various jobs; I always had problems when I worked for Dad. When I was working Sunday, Ms. Lucy (woman who owns the pool) had to yell at me to tell a kid not to hang on the diving board. I saw him doing it, but it didn't register that he needed to stop. Haha. Oh, well. I'll be just fine.

I started my soccer workout last week, although this week was the official time to start. After being for surgery, I knew I needed to go ahead and jump in. I'm so glad I did. I'm still going to be hurting when the real running starts in a couple of weeks. I'm going to go kind of easy on the weightlifting this summer, especially on my legs. I'll start out easy, anyway. Dad told someone I probably wouldn't be squatting 140, 160, and 180 like I was last summer, but I believe differently. We'll see. I am majorly dreading getting into the running workouts. Ugh. I have a feeling another nasty episode will come up...

My Birthday (Plus Some Thoughts)

I had a great birthday. It was kind of spread out, but that only makes it better. My roommate, Emily, had her birthday the day after mine, so we celebrated together some. I went home this past weekend; it was Mother's Day, as well as mine and Dad's birthdays. I was glad to be home, and I'm really looking forward to coming home for the summer tomorrow. On Monday (my birthday) I had a final at two and planned to sleep in some. That didn't exactly happen. I got two text messages and three or four calls between ten and ten thirty. That was fine by me! My sister, Lauren, stopped by on her way back to Memphis in order to drop off her present for me. Kala Beth was in Jackson for an interview, so we went out to lunch; that was great, because we haven't hung out in forever! I had my test, and then hung out with Richard until I went to eat with my aunt for dinner. After Richard got done with his night class final, we went to Books-A-Million for coffee (although neither one of us actually got coffee) and some reading. I had to get back and study for my final on Tuesday. So, it was a wonderful day.

I think I've been doing really well on the whole not worrying thing so far. There have been a few things to test me, and I expected that to be the case. I'm a little concerned about an issue right now, but I'm going to let God take care of it. I think one of my biggest fears is hurting someone. I hate making mistakes, but I really hate it when my mistakes injure someone else. I can deal with hurt and pain, but I do not want to inflict it on anyone else. Sometimes it is almost necessary, however. The thing is, though, that the situation probably could have been avoided if I had not made a mistake in the first place. It's all one big nasty cycle. I'm glad summer is only one day away; I need a break.

This summer seems like it's going to be slow. I am working as a lifeguard again, but, just like last summer, I won't be working many hours. My summer will be filled with my workout for soccer, though. Other than those two things, I may be a little bored. I want to learn a lot of praise songs on the guitar, so I'll work on that. I could get some reading done, just for the heck of it. Going down to Memphis (and possibly Nashville) will be necessary to do some serious hanging out and having a blast.

I have one more final in ten minutes. It's Foundations of American Education, and I don't think I will do the greatest on it. I've not well on any of the other tests in that class to date. Ugh. I would love to pull out a B in there, but it may not happen. After my test, Mom and I are going to do some shopping in the Jackson area. I have birthday money, and I intend to use it...some of it, anyway. After that I will be headed home, probably to a big, long nap, cause I stayed up with Cheslie most of the night last night. We had planned on staying up all night, but that didn't happen. I think I slept about four or five hours. I'm not just dead tired yet, but I imagine that I will be. Woohoo for the end of my first year of college!!!!

Revived

God is amazing. Did you know that? He truly is. He's always there, always listening, always ready to pick us up when we fall. Have you ever experienced this actual feeling of being lighter, of having a weight lifted off your shoulders? I have. I did last night. I finally sat down with God and gave up my problems. It doesn't mean that my life will now be perfect (that's not possible), but I feel SO MUCH BETTER. It's carried on to today. If I let it, it will continue throughout my whole life. The problem is me getting in the way of God. But this time I have stepped aside and told Him to take control. All day I just keep thinking about finally giving all my issues to God, and I just feel...happy. Last week it was all sadness. That sadness is gone. It's just crazy; I love God! I've been feeling this hole in my heart since last week, and I realized that I was trying to fill it up with something that is inadequate. Only God can take up that space; only God belongs there. It's great to know that He is glad that He is now residing there. I mean, don't get me wrong: I am a Christian and have been since July 30, 1998. But I walked away from God, step by lonely step. Last night I RAN back. I thank God I'm back in His arms...again. In no way does this mean that I'll never get away from God again, because that is an almost inevitable possibility. I do screw up. Constantly. But I let those mistakes get between us. I tried to be too strong and take care of my own problems. Now God has them, and I don't plan on taking them back anytime soon; I forgot how good it felt when God is in charge. When I admit that I am weak and let go of what I can't handle, God takes over and shows His strength.

2 Corinthians 13:4 -- "For to be sure, [Jesus] was crucified in weakness, yet He lives by God's power. Likewise, we are weak in Him, yet by God's power we will live with Him to serve you."

Tired

School is almost over for the spring. Summer is so close. Two weeks of classes and then finals are all that's left. I'm so glad. I'm ready to not have any homework and just get this semester over. When school is over, that will mean that some drama will be gone from my life for a short period of time. I know I can never completely escape it, but it's nice to have a break. Before I leave school there are a couple of things that can't be left undone. I'm not looking forward to it at all, because it's not going to be pleasant. I also have no idea how I'm going to handle it.

This week has been emotionally tiring. I'm not sure why; maybe it's because I've done a lot of thinking and analyzing this past week. This coming week may be just as bad, but I can't really tell yet. I've just felt kind of lost and confused about everything.

I'm tired. I'm tired of classes. I'm tired of dealing with certain things. I'm tired of struggling to do the right thing. I'm tired of not knowing what the heck I'm doing. Haha...like Coach Hale always said, "You're running around like a chicken with its head cut off!" That's basically how I feel. Now I just have to find my head...

A Quarter Mile!

Yesterday I went to the doctor's, and he told me that I could start jogging! So great. He asked me if we were still practicing soccer, and I told him that this was the last week. As a result, he said it would be okay if I did that, too. I can also finish karate class and not have to worry about doing it next semester. I just have to take it easy...not a real problem.

Last night I jogged a quarter mile; that's what Dr. Antwine suggested. I felt fine. My calves got a little tight, but I believe that's to be expected after not using them for over three weeks. I was glad that I was doing something.

Today I practiced soccer. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to do any of the running drills, and I definitely didn't need to scrimmage. We started out with some footwork stuff, none of which I could do. Then Brandon had two of the girls put us into two teams. I kind of stood away from the group, because I just assumed that they would scrimmage. Instead, Brandon pulled me into the group; I was thinking, "Um, I hope Brandon knows what he's doing. What are we doing?" We were finally put into teams, and he tells us that we're going to play capture the flag, except with a soccer ball. I was a little nervous; I didn't know how it was going to work. I just stayed on our defensive side and tried to defend our ball. I was doing great, until Cheslie just happened to hit my leg RIGHT on the lower inside incision on my right leg. Wow. It hurt. My eyes definitely watered at that. After that, though, I was okay. Then somebody else whacked the upper incision on the same side and leg. I had to walk off the field. It killed me. So, evidently the incisions are still a little tender. Ha. After capture the flag, they did scrimmage, so I was out.

At this point in my recovery, it's really weird. It seems strange to me that less than two weeks ago, I was still on crutches. Now, I'm running. On Friday, it will be four weeks since I've had surgery. It's just strange. On the other hand, I find it hard to believe that I won't be worried about my calves (specifically) for the rest of my life, much less in two weeks. In two weeks, I'm supposed to be completely cleared. That's just crazy. It's not that I don't think I'll ever be well; it's one of those things where when you're sick, you can't imagine what it's like to be not sick. You definitely think about it, but at the same time, You can't remember how it really feels to be healthy. Y'all know what I mean.

Just Different Things

Three full weeks of classes left! Woo-hoo! Haha. I can't wait for this semester to be over...well, the classes, anyway. Somebody from Huntingdon asked me last night if it was hard for me to believe that I was almost done with my first year of college; I said, "I haven't thought of it that way! I'm just ready to be finished with classes!!" It does seem surreal, now that I do think about it. I don't feel like it went by really fast or really slow...it just went by. Hm.

My legs are doing better; the swelling in my ankles is slowly going down, thankfully. I go back to the doctor's Monday, and I am supposed to start jogging at that point. At the beginning of this week I thought that there was no way that was going to happen, but it has gotten much better since then. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to handle it.

Monday night at YoungLife Club I did my first Talk. At Club we sing a couple of songs, play a game, sing two more songs, play a game, sing another two songs, then we have Talk. A different Leader does it every week, and this week was my first time. I wasn't nervous; I was really excited! The only time I got a little nervous was during the song right before I had to go up. A few butterflies emerged at that point, but nothing serious. I think it went well. You always tell a funny story (as we call it, Ho-Hum) before getting into the Bible part. I told some things about going into surgery and being on drugs...haha. They enjoyed it evidently, because they laughed quite a bit. After that, I told the story about the paralytic man that was dropped through the roof by his friends so that he could get to Jesus. I connected the two in different ways; one of them was by saying that after surgery I couldn't do a lot of normal things - I had to have help. This paralytic man couldn't do anything for himself. His friends had to help him and knew that Jesus could heal the man. I was afraid I talked way too long, but when I asked Missy (one of the leaders) about that, she said that it was perfect - not too long and not too short. Good. Haha. I really had a good feeling about it. Oh, yeah...the only thing I was worried about beforehand was the prayer at the end. I hate praying in public; I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because when it's just me and God, I talk to Him kind of like I would a friend. You can't necessarily do that when you pray out loud in front of people. Anyway, I don't think I'm good at it. However, I think I did a good job that time. I didn't hardly stutter, and I didn't pause for too long - sometimes I'll do that if I can't think of what I want to say or how to say it. I won't get to do Talk again for this semester, but I will have more opportunities in the fall when we come back. We have two more Clubs left for the semester. There will be camp this summer; I'm thinking about signing up to work. I think I'll be at the same camp, and you work for three or four weeks. There are four different times you can sign up; I'll just have to get more information.

So, that's probably enough. I wrote may more than I thought I would, but that usually happens for me. I should expect that by now...good grief.

Quick Update

Yesterday I got my stitches out, was allowed to drive, and got rid of the crutches!!! This may sound gross, but I finally got to take a shower today! I wasn't able to before because of the bandages. There are still these strips on the incisions, but they are basically waterproof. The nurse said that if they just peel off, it's not a problem. I feel like I'm free!!! I get to start jogging in two weeks...that's real exciting!

Eight Scars and a Funeral

Wednesday I went back to classes; I was so glad for that. Mom had to drive me back and forth, but it worked out pretty well. I'm getting back on campus tonight; I'm excited about that. My stitches come out Thursday. It was supposed to happen two weeks after surgery, but that would be Good Friday. They are out of the office on that day, so I am getting to go Thursday instead. One less day...I'm okay with that. I'm great with that. Friday my legs started feeling better, and I could actually see the bones in my ankles!! They've been swollen, so it is quite an ordeal. They've continued to improve since then, so I'm very happy.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to a text message from Mom. It said, "Im at ma jos." For those of you that might be confused (not many, I think, but anyway), Mom said that she was at Mama Jo's, my grandmother's. I texted back, "Ok." She called me, and the first thing she said was, "Aunt Janice is dead." I was in bed when this happened, and I shot straight up and said, "What?!" She said that Uncle Jimmy found her that morning, they didn't know exactly what killed her, and she was trying to find Mama Jo. I was just in shock; Aunt Janice was in bad health, but she wasn't that old. She was my great aunt. It was really surreal. The whole day was weird. The phone was ringing off the hook, several people stopped by, and I was just chilling on the couch watching everything.

Somehow the hours flew by; that doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's the way it was. Decisions about the funeral and visitation had to be made, and flowers had to be bought. In such a small community, the news spread like crazy. People kept calling to make sure it was true or to give their condolences. We had quite a lot of people in our house, at one point in particular. Today we have visitation, and the funeral is tomorrow. I'll have to be brought back from school to go. Right now I'm at home; I'm going with Dad and Kellen around five. Aunt Lavon will probably be the one to drive me to school tonight. Mom said she would pick me up tomorrow from school. Then I have to get back after the funeral to go to YoungLife Club. Crazy, crazy stuff.

Life for me is never "normal," but I feel like it's just really out of whack now. Not being able to walk (without help) kind of messes with your perception...haha. Yesterday just threw it into more chaos. I like chaos, in some strange way. Some types of chaos are way better than others, but every type happens at at least one point in everyone's lives. Life is chaos. This paragraph is chaos. Haha. Anyway, enough rambling. Seriously, though, enjoy chaos every once in a while. Especially when a lot of stuff is happening; it may not be all good, but it makes you appreciate life. I may be a rare case, but I think that sometimes when life is really busy for me is when I appreciate it the most. Maybe it's because when I have a lot of free time and time to think, I tend to get into self-pity and self-degredation stuff. I tend to have fun when a lot of stuff is going on, and I just jump from one thing to the next. I'm planning every minute in a way that will be most efficient. Now, I can't take being consumed with stuff for a very long time. I just enjoy having things to do, people to see, goals to accomplish. It feels so good when you know you're getting something done.

I don't know if any of that made a lot of sense, but you know what?

That's okay.

Slowly But Surely

I never really thought about recovery. Sure, I knew I wouldn't be able to do some stuff for a few days. I evidently just didn't realize how much I wouldn't be able to do and how long it would be before I could.

My feet were to stay off the ground until forty-eight hours after surgery. Sunday, around 3:00, I decided that I should finally use my crutches. I was so weak. My feet were pretty awkward - mainly my calves, of course. They didn't really hurt; it was more like they were being stretched quite far. I used my crutches once or twice more after the first time to use the bathroom. Obviously, Mom had to help me every time I went.

Yesterday morning, the first thing I wanted to do when I woke up was go to the bathroom. Well, I felt pretty weak, but I made it there okay. When I got to sitting down, however, I was really weak. I told Mom to get the rolling chair, because I was not about to walk back. She went and got it, and somehow I got myself into it. She started rolling me back into the living room and stopped for a second to ask if I want her to get something. I got mad because she stopped and said, "Mom, go, roll!" Haha - all I wanted to do was lay down RIGHT THEN. We got to the couch, and I layed down. I don't think I had my glasses on, but I couldn't open my eyes very well. Mom told me afterwards that my eyes were really dilated; I told her that I couldn't tell whether or not m vision was any worse than it usually is without glasses or contacts. I needed to take something, but I had to eat something in order to do that. I definitely didn't feel like eating anything. Mom ended up feeding me a popsicle, and I got a couple of Motrin down. After that episode, I was okay. I sat up for the rest of the day, because I figured that I needed to get used to staying up. All that laying down really messes with you.

Today I've felt perfectly fine. I haven't taken any pain medication since yesterday morning. Mom and I took a small trip to Union; I needed some papers and books for class tomorrow. I am dead set on going to class tomorrow. Since I can't drive until some time after next Friday, Mom will be transporting me to school. There's a possibility that I will be able to get back in the dorms next week, but we'll just have to see.

Yesterday after my bad episode, I told Mom, "Yeah, I'm not going back to school tomorrow." She said, "I told you there was no way that was going to happen." I didn't think it was going to be this bad. Not that it is easy; I just never looked beyond being "fixed" and playing soccer again. Being out for three to six weeks....aw, that's not too bad. Ha - maybe I thought I would just be walking around perfectly fine until then. That's the idealist part of me coming out...

Despite the junk, I don't regret this. You have to get through junk to get to the good stuff. I don't have to keep telling myself that this is worth it. Now I do look beyond the crutches, the bandages, and the inability to do simple stuff. I see me training in the summer, looking forward to the season. I see me at soccer practice, keeping up with everybody (ahead of some). I see me playing in a game for as long as Coach needs me out there, not hindered by pain. And, most of all, I see me doing it all for God, because I know what it is to not be able to do it at all.

Post-surgery

Surgery is over. They started around eleven, and it took about two and a half hours. Evidently they gave me morphine, because for a long time afterwards whenever I opened my eyes I could not focus at all. Mom said I slept for almost three hours. We had to wait for the physical therapist so that I could be fitted for crutches. I ate an apple out of the lunch that they gave me; the rest was way too dry. My mouth was extremely dry (and is now), and I couldn't really chew or swallow anything like the rest of the stuff: ham sandwich, potato chips, and graham crackers. When the physical therapist showed up, she showed me how to use the crutches. I couldn't be released until I went to the bathroom on the crutches. I had to sit up first, and when I put my legs off the edge of the bed, blood rushed through my legs and hurt quite a bit. When I tried to stand up, I got so nauseated that I almost threw up...thankfully, I didn't. However, I did sit back down on the bed and rested for a while until I felt well enought to try again. The second time I did get up and got all the way to the bathroom. It hurt so much; it's real hard to use crutches when both legs are injured.

Last night when I came home, I was stationed on the couch. I have been there all day today, except for trips to the bathroom in a little white rolling chair. Haha. My legs don't hurt as much as they did yesterday, but they have still been hurting. I haven't gotten sick, which is really good. I watched the whole first season of "Grey's Anatomy, " which my aunt brought yesterday to surgery. I had a whole crew with me yesterday; it was pretty crazy. There were a ton of people that I was going to call once I got out, but we were in the lower level of the hospital and there was no service whatsoever. Anyway, tomorrow I'll be taking off the ace bandages; there is another layer of bandages that will stay until I go back to see Dr. Antwine in two weeks. I'll have to use the crutches until then, as well.

I'm doing okay so far, and I think I'll be better tomorrow. I should, anyway. I want to be back at school by Tuesday night. Thank you for all your prayers; I needed (and need) every one of them. I love y'all!

Pre-surgery

Tomorrow morning at 6:30 I will be at Jackson General Hospital for my fasciotomy. I believe I will actually go into surgery some time after eight. It may be quite a while after eight. I don't know how long it will take, but I'm guessing it won't take that long. There's no telling how long it will take to be released from the hospital; there will be a checklist of things that I will have to be able to perform before leaving. One of those things will be learning how to use my crutches that I will have for about two weeks, until I see Dr. Antwine again. I'll have to completely stay off my feet until Sunday, and I'll go back to school when I feel like I can walk a good distance on my crutches. I'll go back to Dr. Antwine for a checkup two weeks after surgery.

I know I've said it a hundred times, but I am not worried. I know God is with me, and I know that a lot of people are praying for me. Before I left my dorm tonight (I'm at home at the moment) two of my roommates prayed with me; I, of course, ended up crying. I think they did, too. It's just amazing to me how much God has blessed me. It's ridiculous! When did I ever do anything to deserve anything? That's the most amazing thing: I did not. God is just cool like that. My theme song for this time of surgery (ha) is Coldplay's "Fix You." While I was running my mile and a half a couple of weeks ago, that song came on. The song before or after that was "Everything Will Be Alright" by The Killers (I know, the band name is strange). I love how God does that; that wasn't the first (or last, I'm sure) time God has spoken to me through music.

I will definitely be blogging after the surgery, hopefully tomorrow if I'm not totally drugged up. I'll leave you with the chorus of "Fix You":

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Snowboarding

I think I already have a post titled as "Snowboarding," but I don't really care. This is a different time, different experience.

As far as my knowledge of snowboarding goes, I think I'm doing pretty well. I actually went off jumps yesterday and today. Today Lauren and I went to a double green trail, which is advanced beginner. The first time I went, I had trouble at the beginning; the snow was more like ice, and I could not carve very easily at all. I fell twice at that point. When I got going, I didn't do too badly. That was until my right calf started hurting because I was pushing so hard on my toe edge. I fell once when it started to really kill me. I was still hurting, but I made it the rest of the way down. I stuck with the "bunny slope" for a while after that. Lauren told me about another double green that wasn't as bad as the first we went down. I decided I would try that.

It wasn't as bad, but I think I got kind of lazy or something. I took two REALLY hard falls. My beanie fell off both times. The first one was face first and knocked the breath out of me. The second put me straight on my back. Now my lower back on the left side is absolutely killing me. Ugh.

So, after that, I was really tired. I decided to quit for the day - for the trip, actually. I had a lot of fun, and I think I got better. I'm really proud of teaching Kellen; he got pretty good near the end.

I'm ready to get home. This has definitely been a good spring break; I'm really glad I got to spend it with the family. Back to school in a couple of days!

P.S. One week until surgery!

Spring Break

So, I'm here in Colorado!! We just got here today; we'll be leaving Saturday. The weather is pretty good right now. It's not snowing, although the high is 32 degrees. Tomorrow we're going to go out snowboarding and skiing. That's going to be awesome. I'll do better at snowboarding this time, since I have more experience and know what I'm doing. For now we have to go rent the stuff for tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday. Spring Break is gonna be awesome!

Mile and a Half

This morning at seven, we had the mile and a half part of our fitness test. I was actually banking on running one lap, then walking the rest of the time. I walked up to Coach before the run, and he asked why I wasn't warming up. I had stretched some but didn't jog a little bit or anything. I told him I figured I would run one maybe two laps then walk. He said, "Don't you want to give your best effort?" I have to admit that that kind of ticked me off; I felt like that would be my best effort.

So, I ran. I ran all six laps. It was at a very slow pace, mind you, but I did it. I was definitely hurting by the end of it, but it actually wasn't as bad as I was afraid it would be. I think my time was somewhere around sixteen minutes. I was breathing so hard and crying a little, so I never heard whether or not he even gave me the time. That doesn't matter; I finished it.

Now the sprints Thursday may be a completely different matter...

It's Set

March 31: I am having a fasciotomy (I think I spelled that right) in order to fix my compartment syndrome. I'm not nervous about the surgery; I'm actually glad to finally have a real solution to the problem. My choices were either get the surgery or quit playing soccer. The latter is basically out of the question. I'll be out of commission for three to six weeks, with the possibility of more than six. It just depends on how quickly I recover.

So, that's about it. Of course, I will have to post after the surgery. I've never had surgery done before; I had stitches one time, but that doesn't really count. A new experience! Haha. I really feel good about everything, so nobody needs to worry (hint hint). I am only concerned about the possibility of having to do the fitness test next week...

Persistent Junk

Apparently two months of rest did not solve my compartment syndrome. My calves have been getting really tight at practice, but it wasn't anything that bad until Saturday. Jen and I went to train for our upcoming fitness test at the USJ track. We were planning on doing one lap under a minute fifty, doing two laps, three laps, building up to six laps - our mile and a half requirement.

I ran one lap.

It's so frustrating. I had to deal with it all last semester, and it was annoying enough then. Now, after doing nothing for two months in an attempt to allow my calves to repair themselves, the pain is back. Why? I know that we are given junk like this in our lives in order to test us and make us stronger. I know. Right now, however, it doesn't seem to help.

I took it slow coming back into running and weightlifting, but evidently that didn't stop the inevitable. Somehow I knew this would happen. Somehow I knew I would be looking at surgery, regardless of resting in the hopes of avoiding a knife. Maybe I didn't put any faith in God healing me in the first place. Maybe I just thought He wouldn't let it be that easy; not that it was at all. I hated not doing anything for two months.

I just want to play. I want to play like I did the first practice after being out for two weeks last semester. I felt like I was flying; nothing could stop me, NOTHING. Evidently, I was wrong. I'm going back to the doctor some time this week; we'll find out then what the verdict is, I guess. Dad kept asking me all these questions like, "If there is a 75-80% chance the surgery will work, would you do it?" Without hesitation I answered, "Yes." "What about 50/50?" I couldn't say on that one, but I would probably still go for it. I do not want to play with this pain for the rest of my life, but if that is what is meant to happen, then so be it. God has a plan in all this; I know it will most likely take me a while to figure out what it is. I have to take this as it comes, and that is something that I have a hard time dealing with.

I don't like to wait for something to happen.

Ah, The Weather

How beautiful has the weather been the last two days? It has been absolutely gorgeous! I was driving to Huntingdon yesterday with my sunroof back, and I really couldn't help but praise God for such a wonderful day.

I feel like my life has almost done a 180 since last week. It started Thursday night after an amazing conversation with two of my roommates (how I love those girls!). I've been dealing with quite a bit of stress lately, and just to tell two people that I'm with every day helped so much. A couple of other people know what's going on, and they are true blessings. It just makes a difference for someone directly in the situation to know what's happening with me. Since then it's like my burden has been lightened considerably. I think I actually gave part of my problems to God; that is a huge accomplishment for me. I love how God puts these people in our lives, and we can't help but be amazed when we realize how much of a blessing they truly are. I love the realization.

As I mentioned before, I drove to Huntingdon yesterday. As usual, my music was blasting, and I was singing my head off. I was listening to a CD of songs that I bought from Walmart downloads, and one of the songs is "How Great Is Our God." That song is beautiful. The beauty of the day and the song just struck my heart to the core, and I started to cry tears of absolute joy! I can't tell you how long it's been since that happened. I was in this total place of worship, and it was the best feeling in the world, no doubt.

God does that. Life can get you so down to where you're struggling to breathe. Then, God gives you help in a way you never thought possible or never saw coming, and it just hits you so hard. There's nothing you can do but glorify His name with all of your heart. Why is it so hard to do that? We get so caught up in the misery of life and hardships that we forget....forget that we are saved, we have eternal life, God loves us, He won't let us down, we WILL get through this! We lose sight of everything that really matters. We find it so easy to do that; we forget what it feels like to REMEMBER.

I got a new cell phone, because my old one broke. When I was messing with it, I decided to put my banner as "Remember." At the moment I did it, I didn't really know why I put that. Now it totally makes sense. I need to "Remember" that Someone died for me, and that I owe Him everything. Remembering that....well, it's life.

Changing

Change can be very scary. In spite of being scary, it can be very good. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that that change you were so afraid of was actually the best thing that could have happened. I haven't gotten to that stage yet.

The main problem is I don't know what changed. The most likely candidate is me, as always. It bugs me when I feel so different, and I don't know why. You'd think that as much as I don't know I would be used to not knowing stuff; however, that is most definitely not the case. I hate being lost. It happens all the time, but I don't feel any differently about it.

I can't figure it out. I know something happened, and I have an idea of what it could have been. I just don't think that's the solution. The hardest thing with all of this is just to let it go and let God take over. I want to understand...most of the time. Sometimes I'm a little scared about what I might find in myself if I dig so deep. It's a part of discovering myself; I know that. I just don't know if I want to discover everything. The human soul is dark. Only Jesus brings light. Apart from that, it's complete darkness. Some recesses are hard to accept, and we don't even want to touch them. Jesus, however, wants to expose every piece of our hearts in His light. That is hard to allow. Actually seeing what is so deep inside of you changes you. You can't help it.

Sometimes I get these revelations about myself. They're not always good, not always helpful, and most often painful. In the end, though, they're probably a good thing. I mean, it really helps to understand why you are the way you are. Occasionally it just adds another element of mystery to my personality. I really don't understand myself at all. Some day I would like to go to a psychologist just to see what he/she says. Can they label this kind of confusion?

Valentine's Day

Wow. So far this has been the best Valentine's Day ever, and I don't even have a boyfriend! Instead I have several amazing and beautiful (inside and out) friends to spend it with. It started out at three in the morning with a juvenile prank and a little sleep afterwards. I had two classes this morning, then went to shop some with Brittany. It was awesome just to see her for a little bit. I had karate class, and I came back and took a shower since I hadn't taken one yet today. Now I'm just waiting to hear from my sister, Lauren, and see if we'll be able to hang out for a while. Around five, I'll be headed out on a "date" with two or three of my soccer girls! I can't wait; it's going to be so much fun. Unfortunately, we will have to watch the time, because I have to be back for an intramural basketball game at seven. Then there's another game after that that I'm definitely going to stay for since it's my soccer team playing (I'm not playing with them because I ain't very good; I chose to play with the YoungLife team in the lower division). I have to catch up on some sleep tonight.

This day has just been wonderful, although very busy. I like being busy spurts at a time. I don't like too much free time. It's days like these that I thank God for the people around me. I need to every day, but sometimes it just really stands out how outrageously blessed I am.

It's overwhelming, in a VERY good way.

Disappointment

I'm disappointed. I am not quite sure how much it takes to disappoint me, but I do know that it has happened - again. The first big time it happened, my world felt torn apart. I felt so lost. I couldn't face the people that disappointed me for the longest time.

This time it wasn't as big. It really was kind of small, comparatively. When people closest to me do things I would never expect of them, I get disappointed. I don't know if that's intolerant or what. At first I was just mad. I got over that, but I knew something else was bothering me. It was then I realized that I am disappointed. It hurts. It hurts because I am repeating the same mistake I made a couple of years ago: I let the other person's mistake get in the way of our friendship. I am in serious danger of doing it again, and that scares me. It scares me because I don't know how I can stop it; I don't know that I can.

I don't know how much sense this is making. I can't sleep for thinking about it. The thought of losing someone this close to me because I can't handle their mistakes is killing me. Am I being ridiculous? Am I being their conscience? Am I obsessed with keeping a perfect picture of everyone I know until they do something that I can't ignore?

All this makes me think that if I get this....upset, depressed, disappointed with things my friends do: How does God feel? I mean, I feel like I'm about to explode. Earlier I was shaking and couldn't control myself. God loves every person in this world more than I could ever even think of, and how many times have we messed up? How many times have I alone messed up? What about all those people that are in jail, that have committed murder, that have cheated on their spouses, that have done a million things that I can't even imagine? Who am I to feel this way? Is it right? Is this some kind of God complex, or am I just being overly dramatic?

I do not know.

A Poem

My heart is heavy
What is this pain
That dives into my soul

A sadness so deep
It burdens my sleep
Leaves me feeling cold

Take it away
I cannot deal
But how do I let go

"Give it to Me
Take comfort you need
Because I love them so."

by DEW

Back to School

I'm finally back to Union! It's so exciting to see everybody again. I probably won't be as excited tomorrow when classes start, even though there a couple that I think will be fun. I've missed being at school. I enjoyed my break, but by the end I was so ready to go back to school. This semester I definitely need to focus on studying; I have more classes than last semester. Well, I just wanted to drop a little note about getting back to Union. I've finished unpacking; my dorm is the cleanest it'll ever be this semester, I imagine. I'll try to keep it that way...we'll just see how long that lasts.

Untitled

My main concern these days is people doing stupid things. Come to think of it, that's usually my main concern. I have to admit I worry about it, even though I know worrying won't do any good. It hurts me to see (or know of) people doing things like drinking, smoking, having sex (before marriage, of course), and other similar activities. What is the point? The pleasure you get out of those things is only temporary. Why don't they see that? Does it even matter to them? I can't comprehend. I don't get it. I've realized a long time ago that preaching at everyone won't help. They'll only shut me out. Instead, I've chosen to live as an example, or do my best to be so, anyway. They know where I stand...is that enough? Sometimes I feel as though I'm not doing anything. Maybe I'm not, but then, maybe I am. There's no real way to know, is there? I guess there is purpose in that. I have to keep on following God and being a "good girl" in order to be an example, but I'll never really know how much of an impact I made. I have to trust in God to take care of that. Maybe if I did know I made a difference, my head would get too big. Lol. I guess I do make a difference, but, at times like these, it makes me wonder. I just don't know what to do with myself. I wish all stupidity would stop; however, that would just end humanity.

Idahoan Thoughts...

Snowboarding is hard. I'm sure that once you get the hang of it it's a blast. Right now, I'm not hanging on very well. There seems to be a blockage in my brain between, well, snowboarding and my brain. The "carving" is what seem to be the main problem. Turning my back towards the bottom of the mountain doesn't register in my mind for some reason. I got so frustrated yesterday. I knew I would be sore today; I thought I would just hurt all over from falling so much. I ended up being sore mainly in my neck and shoulders. My arms hurt as well - I know that's from pushing myself up so many times. Maybe I'll ski Monday, so I'll have a better day before I leave. Yesterday just left me in a bad mood. Oh, well. I'll have time to work on it....in Colorado.

Questions

My mind is constantly asking questions. They are questions that I cannot answer on my own. Most of them, anyway. My most recent recurring question is this: "What am I supposed to do with my talent?"

I love music. I love to sing, play guitar, and write songs. Writing songs allows me to tell people something that I just can't say outright. They are messages that I believe are given to me from God. I have these talents, and yet I am completely lost as to what I am to do with them. I told myself a long time ago that I was not going to be a professional music artist. The life itself did not appeal to me.

I'm so excited about teaching. I am almost certain that God has called me to be a teacher. The question revolves around how I can use my musical talent when I have become a high school teacher and hopefully soccer coach. We are given gifts by God to be used for His glory. Sometimes it is just unclear how to do so.

Like most people, I find it so difficult to just hand the reigns of my life over to God. His hands are the only ones worthy (or truly capable) of holding them. Why is that so hard to do? It should be the easiest thing in the world, considering it makes the most sense. He created us; he is the only one that deserves to be first in our lives. Who am I to be in control of my own life? All I will do is make a mess of it. That's all I have done so far. If I would just let go, things would be much less complicated. Things might not get better, but it would be so much easier. Now I'm just rambling....

A New Year

It's 2006. Another year. Each year it seems to get a little easier to accept that another year has come. Why is that? Maybe as you get older, life kind of comes in larger increments. When you're younger, each year is a big part of your life. As time goes on, life works in spaces of five years. Or maybe it goes by two or three instead of five, and eventually works up to five. Maybe I'm just full of it. Usually on New Year's, I evaluate my relationship with God over the whole year. Last year was a serious turning point. This year, I didn't feel like I really needed to do that. It's possible that I was fooling myself. However, I knew there were a couple of things I needed to work on. I think this year I'm planning on working on one fault at a time. Last year, my attitude was my problem. Attitude is not my problem this year. It's mainly smaller stuff. I've decided that God will show me what my most serious weaknesses are as they come along. Maybe He's been doing that all along. He probably has, I've just been too blind to see it. That happens quite often.

I know I need to keep in touch better with my friends....and family. I did a horrible job of that last semester. I'm not sure what my problem was, but I am going to fix it. I was busy; however, there is no excuse for not keeping in touch with the people I love the most.

On a completely different note, I'M GOING TO IDAHO IN A WEEK!!!! That's so exciting. I've missed Amy so much. I also love traveling, and I've never been to Idaho. It's going to be so much fun. Megan's going to be there as well. Tickets to Idaho: $315. Snowboarding, ice skating, hopefully sledding: Around $100 (roughly). Simply hanging out with a couple of my most awesome friends: Priceless.