Thursday, September 14, 2006

Romans 5:3-5

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

What does that mean to me? Now - at this moment - it hurts me. Last year, it gave me a boost to think that the suffering I was going through with compartment syndrome would be transformed into perseverance, then character, then hope. And at the beginning of this semester, I thought it had. And maybe it did; maybe I'm not as characterally weak as I was last year.

I tried to tell myself I didn't care. Screw varsity. Play for me.

I don't work that way. God doesn't work that way.

Once upon a time, I had plans to play with the U. S. Women's National Team. Some time in high school, I decided that I was nowhere close to being talented or dedicated enough to do that. But I thought that I could at least play in college. That's what my goal was throughout high school. I had no idea where I wanted to go, but I knew that I wanted to play. My first dream school was University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. I decided that I was not on that level either. It was then that I decided I would settle for whatever school took me. It was God that sent me to Union, I am positive of that. I KNOW that.

This past spring when I knew I would either have to quit playing soccer or have surgery, I prayed that God would tell me what to do. I knew I wanted to play soccer, but I wasn't sure that's what He wanted. My "dew on the blanket" was a stuffed soccer ball pillow. Normally I don't sleep holding onto any kind of stuffed animal or anything, but I prayed that I would hold on to that soccer ball one night: If I woke up and it was still on the bed, I would have surgery and keep playing. If I woke up and the ball had fallen to the floor, I would take that as a sign that I was meant to quit soccer.

I woke up several times that night. I guess I was so nervous about that stupid soccer ball falling to the floor; I didn't want it to happen. In the morning, it was still on the bed. I had surgery.

I guess my mistake this semester was thinking that I had a chance. And I keep thinking it. Maybe I just need to forget about it, and wait until next year. But I can't. I know I can't. But now I'm confused. Is this God telling me that I should have quit soccer and just given up? Or is it Satan testing me, watching me fall?

I'm losing hope. I feel like my character is weak. I have no perseverance. Yet I suffer.


  1. Anonymous8:34 PM

    Daron Elise Webb, you do NOT give up that way! I don't know what's going on with you, and I don't know if you want to talk to me about it, but I can see that you are having some doubts. It may not be any of my business, but I've never seen you so discouraged and accepting it. It's never a mistake to believe in yourself. I know you've had some setbacks, and only you know what God says to you, but I just hope you listen with all your heart before you go giving up your dream. I know you are hurting. Just know that I am proud of you, if that means anything, and that I love you. You are strong and talented, and even though you are tired, you can keep working hard for what you want. I wish I knew some kind of scripture to help you out, but all I have are my own words. Don't just quit trying. Remember all those cheesy, motivational cliches you've always heard... Cliches are overused for a reason...they are generally good sayings. Well, that's all I've got.


  2. Anonymous6:53 PM

    If it's one that you are NOT - it is weak - whether you're talking about your character, your faith, your body, your mind, etc!!!! Hardheaded, maybe, but not weak! LOL!!! Hang onto that hardheadedness & HANG IN THERE! I know it's tough to keep trying your best when you feel that you are not being treated fairly! But, all you can do is keep trying your very best & giving your all - then you know regardless of the outcome YOU DID YOUR BEST! You will not have any regrets! Just remember that I love you, I am SO proud of you, and I will always support you! Lavon

  3. I'm glad you're not dead, Daron. I would miss you too much. As for the are not giving up. You've come too far, and you've helped me come too far for you to quit now. If I'm not allowed, then neither are you. ;) I love you.