Possibly a Product of Delirium

I don't have many crazy faces. It's just like the same three over and over again.

Creeper neighbor man is getting even more creepier as we speak. Is it possible he has multiple personalities? One that is anal about everything, specifically lights, and one that is just a nice old man who likes to randomly talk to you or help your grandmother sweep the leaves from your door.

I got kicked out of Career Services for not having slept in twenty-four hours. I would cry discrimination - or prejudice, because it was assumed that I was delirious. Not that it wasn't right, it was just assumed. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I passed the main point of delirium about six hours ago. Oh, well. Just more time to finish these ridiculous, agonizing, torturing programs sooner.

I plan on printing out another copy of each program just to BURN them. You may think I am kidding - but I am not.

There are still like seven meals left on my Dawg Tag. I doubt I will use them in the next two days. I did use it this morning, though.

Apparently even the Monsters with the sealed lid go bad after about three weeks if they were already open.

I hope I don't get dizzy like last time I drank an entire Monster. I haven't finished a whole one yet, but there's not much left of it.

The rearview mirror soccer ball hanging thing broke yesterday, which is quite ironic considering it's only been a month and a half since my soccer career has been over. Perfect timing...

I'M READY TO LEAVE FOR IRELAND!!! However, I have to get grad school applications in before we leave, which isn't very exciting. Well, it kind of is, but it also worries me. Like, a lot.

Graduation in May seems a long way away, but I know it's actually not. I truly believe that despite the fact that I am taking nineteen hours next semester there is no way it'll be harder than this semester has been. I refuse to see that as a possibility. If it is, I'm pretty sure I can't handle it.

I want a library in my house. With a full wall for my DVDs. Hecka yeah.

I knew Peter had to get his powers back on Heroes. It HAD to happen. I was furious when he lost them to his evil father, but I always held out hope. I wonder how things are going to go down now that it appears that most of the truly evil characters are gone. I don't think they really are, but I just hope the next volume the villains aren't all in control again - even though Nathan seems to have jumped off the deep end.

Grey's Anatomy better step it up as well. This Denny crap is just that - crap. Really? He's dead. Let it go. Let Izzie move on. I have no idea how they're going to rationalize this, because apparently they already squashed the rumor that Izzie would end up having a tumor. Alex doesn't need another crazy girl when he's trying to have a decent relationship.

Private Practice and 30 Rock are awesome. Maybe the Private Practice/Grey's Anatomy crossover will do Grey's some good. Btw, I'm glad Hahn's gone, but not real excited about Callie and Sadie. You can't help but get the feeling that it's anti-Prop 8 propaganda.

Now back to finishing this stupid, vile, venomous program.

BLURG and BOO.

My Truth

Twisting, falling, dying words
In the woods and no one hears
Everyone lies, this much is true
And something dies inside of you

All that I wanted was not enough
And that was too much for me
Ask me what it means
I don't think I can answer

I feel too much, cry too loud
Shoulders always bowed
Always waiting for you
Feeling the time linger

The past seems beautiful
When all was simple, perfect
It all went wrong and I'm left
Holding what never happened

I've lost the words and the trust behind them
I hide hoping to be found
If my heart is to be given away
I wonder who will take it

Holy Cow

Not literally. But almost.

I took a online personality test that is based on the Myers-Briggs personality test, which is a solid test. This was obviously a shorter version, but apparently just as accurate. Here are my results...

I am an ISFJ - Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging.

• slightly expressed introvert
• moderately expressed sensing personality
• distinctively expressed feeling personality (duh)
• moderately expressed judging personality

Here are a couple of profiles of an ISFJ, otherwise known as a Protector:
Portrait of a Protector
ISFJ Profile

So I suggest you take it for yourself. And let me know your results! :)

Personality Test

It's Been a While

I haven't posted a lot this semester, and it's not really because I'm too busy. I guess I just have a lot of other stuff to think about - like graduating. AHHHHHHH! :)

Speaking of school...BOO research proposals, marriage and family programs, and my horrible, awful procrastination. I am so stubborn. Nevertheless, I WILL get it done - on time and pretty well.

It's still kind of weird sometimes that I am actually graduating in May. Holy cow. Really? Most of the time, though, I feel like I'm completely ready for the next step. Which, hopefully, will be grad school. I'm ready for a new place and new people (not to say anything against anyone here - I will miss many people). New experiences, as well. It excites me.

Yesterday I had a meeting with Renee Jones in Career Services. We went over the resume (which I kind of threw together quickly) I had made last week. Let me just tell you, it looks like someone died and bled all over it. Lol. Obviously, making resumes are not my strong point. Give me an essay. No, please don't. That was a joke. Anyway, there had to be a "Profile" section at the top - basically 6-8 of your qualities. That was just a flipping blast. I felt horrible for Renee, because it was like pulling teeth from me. I am glad that I didn't do it on my own; she really helped me come up with things and ways to word them that rock. Those people are there for a reason. Now I wish I'd gone to them sooner. Even though deadlines aren't until January and February, I should have been way ahead of the game. I read one guide to grad school that said junior year you should take the GRE. I thought, "Yeah...if only I wasn't an ENGINEERING major at the time!" One of my "qualities" is that I am well-rounded. ;)

Someone told me about this awesome website, www.echoprayer.com. You add prayers, then set up an e-mailing or texting schedule for them to remind you to pray. It's basically sweet. I have a lot of reminders set up throughout the day to remind me to thank God for at least one thing; it's made me appreciate things more. So often we forget that there are innumerable things to be thankful for every day.

And speaking of God, can I just tell you I am stoked about Klemata?! We had our leader retreat this past weekend. All the girls were incredible, and I cannot wait to see how God is going to use each of us to make an impact on other women at Union. It kind of makes me nervous to think I'll be leading my own small group of girls, but I have no doubts that God has put me in this position and He will give me the ability to exalt His name - which is what I'm here for anyway, right? ;)

Passing Good Stuff On

The Klemata blog posted this article just today, and it's pretty awesome. Sometimes I feel like it's kind of pointless to go to church - that sounds bad, but that's just how it is. I completely miss the purpose of attending church: to be a part of the body of Christ. Anyway, this article says it way better than I can. It's mostly focused on college students, but it applies to everyone.

http://www.henryinstitute.org/commentary_read.php?cid=484

The End of Something Important

Friday was the last game of my college soccer career. And it was awesome. Haha.

It really was, though. It was the best possible game I could have ended on. We played a difficult team that had beat us earlier this season, and we came out on top. We all played hard. I almost scored!! Gah... My left-footed shot hit the crossbar; just a few inches lower and it would have been a goal. I still have a ball print on the inside of my knee, which is pretty crazy. I believe that may have been the hardest I've ever played. Well, one of the times I've played that hard. Technically that's not a good thing; it means I haven't been playing to the fullest of my ability all the time. I know in reality that no one does, but you understand what I'm saying. I don't think it's that, though. It was just one of those tough games. And it was my last. I had to go out in the best way possible.

At one point I considered making a list of things I've learned from college soccer. Maybe I will. Right now I don't have the desire to get into thinking that much. There are plenty of other things on my mind, like schoolwork and grad school applications - things I should have more time to work on now that I don't have soccer to worry about.

I think the weirdest thing will be next semester, when soccer won't exist for me. I believe that will be when I just won't know what to do with myself.

Btw...

I LOVE MY SOCCER GIRLS!!

Sighting the End

Today was (hopefully) my last appointment with Dr. Antwine EVER!!! :D If you are not aware, Dr. Antwine is an orthopedic surgeon over at West TN Bone & Joint clinic who I have been seeing every time I've been injured since freshman year. He did my fasciotomy freshman year, and I've seen him I believe a minimum of three times every year since! He's a great guy; I just wish I hadn't had to see him that much. Haha. Today he said, "I think we can get you through three more games, then you're clear! No more of this!" AMEN!!

I've also been to physical therapy every year, except maybe last year. Well, I did do PT - just not in Jackson. By now Tom (a PT at Bone & Joint) knows me real well. A few weeks ago when I was there for a session I told him I realized what was wrong with me: Freshman year when I was finished with therapy, Tom told me, "You come back and visit us, let us know how you're doing!" Apparently my body took that to mean that it had to break down in order to allow this. I said, "Tom, this is all YOUR fault."

No more. There will never be another preseason or summer workout preparing for preseason. My body is (almost) done killing itself for a sport. I will definitely stay active; I can't imagine not doing so. I gotta keep weight off! :D Haha. Chances are I'm going to be totally lost without soccer next semester. I feel like I'll have a ridiculous amount of free time on my hands, but I know differently. I have to get ready to graduate in May and go to grad school in the fall. Holy cow... It still throws me off occasionally, even though I really feel like it's just the natural progression of things. I'm looking forward to it. Yes, I'll cry at the senior game and graduation, etc., but I'm ready to move on.

The other day I was in Coburn, and I saw one of my favorite soccer girls, whom I smiled and probably winked at. It hit me that I would miss her, as well as several of the other girls on the team. I'll miss them even next semester, when I won't have practice with any of them. It was a realization that these girls are awesome, and many of them have touched my life in some way whether big or small. I wish I could be there to see them continue growing and evolving, but I know that that's what I have to do in leaving here.

I hope I've made a difference. I hope I continue to make a difference until the day I am gone. That is solely dependent upon me - not anyone else.

Being Broken

In order for God to truly use someone for His purposes, they have to be broken. I'm pretty sure it's because our humanity wouldn't allow it otherwise. We like to be in control, to be the one in the driver's seat, the one who calls the shots.

I like to know the plan. What's next, what I have to do in order to make everything work. But so often - well, basically constantly - I don't know anything at all. Life's too confusing. It also practically never follows any plan I would like for my life. Things I want so badly take too long to come along. People I want to stay forever leave. People I want to believe in let me down. The person I want to be seems to have been lost somewhere along the way. All the things I want to fix are beyond any repair I can offer.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you can physically feel a weight upon your shoulders? The thing is, it's never just on your shoulders. It sits on every part of your body and isolates on your heart, hindering your breathing and making you tired. It holds you down and makes it impossible for you to feel as though you're actually getting somewhere.

Then there are those moments when you feel unstoppable. You're floating on a cloud, and everything just feels right. Nothing bad can touch you at that moment; it reflects off the invisible shield that surrounds you and leaves you feeling breathless with joy.

The highs are nothing without the lows. You have to have something to compare the highs to in order to truly appreciate what it means to be on the peak instead of in the valley. We all break under the low points. We have to. God is trying to mold us into people who live for Him. To do that, He starts with the broken pieces of who we are now. You don't attempt to change something that's already been created. However, if something breaks, you put it back together. The thing is, we are flawed from the beginning. It's like a crappy piece of pottery you find at a yard sale. You decide to buy it, because you see it for what it can become, not for what it is now. You break it in order to mold it to a new purpose, making it a cup or a bowl.

Even when we are broken, we cannot help but try to fix ourselves! I always try to find what I did wrong this time, how did I get here - and what do I do to get out. We can't even see the full picture; we pick up piece by piece and try to remember where it used to go, not admitting that it wasn't right in the first place! As I continue to be broken, I have to remind myself that it is not me who should be picking up the pieces. It's God. He knows what's best. He knows me better than I do, because He made me. He made me the way I am for a reason, but I get so focused on what I think should happen in this world that I often forget who put me here to begin with and who I should be living for. He's brought me through so much, and the minute He puts me back together, I manage to mess it up all over again. But you know...He never stops. He never gets fed up or wonders why He even bothers. Impatience is not in His nature - but grace is. Mercy is. LOVE is.

I am here because God put me here. I was kept here because God kept me here. And I will go wherever He wants me to go, because I know He will never leave my side and never give up on me no matter how much I screw things up, how many times I turn my back on Him, how many times I yell at Him and ask Him why, or how impatient I get with Him. He is my God, and He will never be anything less than loving and always more than I could ever deserve.

Random Ramblings

I made the junior varsity team! Not unexpected after my knee has kept me from practicing since last Wednesday. Apparently my body just cannot handle pre-season stress. Something ALWAYS goes wrong. I wanted to make varsity, but I knew JV was inevitable with my lack of playing.

As for my knee, I finally went to the doctor yesterday to find out what was going on. I had an appointment at Bone and Joint for Wednesday, but I couldn't handle it anymore. As a result, I went back home to our family doctor, where I was told it was tendonitis and possibly bursitis. Basically overuse. As always. Stupid knees... Anyway, I was beyond relieved to have a diagnosis and, more importantly, a treatment. Cortisone shot and prednisone prescription, and I am good to go! It's gotten better just since yesterday, which rocks!! I could actually jog a little today, which is a major improvement from the day before. This is one of those times impatience paid off. Haha. Not that I am condoning impatience; nevertheless, I would have been a grouch until Wednesday had I had to wait. Furthermore, I gained two days by going two days earlier. I could be practicing by Thursday! :D

I bought my tickets for Ireland today!!! Oh, it's going to be amazing. I am so stoked. Buying the tickets just made it gloriously real. Now I cannot wait for January...

I'm kind of ready for classes to start. I'll have all psych classes - with the exception of one sociology class - which means I'll actually like what I'm taking. Although Applied Research is going to be difficult and possibly mind-twisting, I think it will be somewhat interesting in the least. I gotta get to looking at books online; saving money pretty much rocks.

My room is a wreck because I've been practically going full-tilt for about three weeks now. I need hangers, because I have more clothes than hangers which might become an issue. Is an issue, actually.

Jen and I are continuing our Harry Potter movie spree tonight, which has been on hiatus since, well, about three weeks ago. We are finally both here and not busy at the same time - what are the chances?

I want to buy DVDs. It's a major weakness. But I'm broke. As always since this summer. And boo this past summer, by the way, because I made NO money and basically lost money. I would almost say it wasn't worth it...well, it seems that it really wasn't. But hey, it's over, and there's nothing to be done about it now. I actually have this desire to go back to work, but it's just because I want money and not me being realistic. I would possibly have some time to get hours in, but I don't want to become the stressed out wreck I was at the end of last semester when I worked every day I wasn't playing soccer. Ain't happening.

We have a JV game in a week, and I'm hoping I'll be fit to play. I'm thinking that if I can't play full-out in the field, I may ask if I need to play keeper, since we don't technically have one. :( Another issue we have to work out before next week - who's going to play keeper? Might be a problem...

So I wrote way more than I expected, but that pretty much always happens. Nothing unusual for me!

The Final Preseason

Oh, it's so weird. The last time I'll have to absolutely run my butt off and think I'm gonna die for it. The last time I'll get so close so fast to a large group of people. The last time I'll hear the "glass house" speech. The last time I'll wait for a list to tell me varsity or JV. It's just a lot of lasts.

I'm not nervous at all. Not that I expected to be, really; it's just like at this point either I'm ready or I'm not - and I'm okay either way. I want to work hard and do my best, no matter what that means compared to everyone else.

I've always looked forward to preseason. Maybe I'm a masochist and just love being half-dead for a whole month. Or maybe I love the getting to know new people, seeing everyone come together as a team, having the campus to ourselves, our whole lives being about the soccer team for those four weeks, the smell of the grass at six a.m., the smell of the turf room in the middle of the day, the smell of the pool in the afternoon.

There's also that pretty sweet bonus of getting to spend a lot of time with some of the girls I love the most. ;)

Just Gotta Say...

That never in my life have I been more frustrated at a class. I swear, I look at one problem on a Calculus II quiz, and my brain interprets it as a foreign language I could never deign to understand. Check that - there isn't even any interpretation involved, because that would mean I actually comprehended even just one iota of it - which I don't! I regret that I ever changed my major to engineering for that one blasted brain fart of a semester when I thought I might want to be an architect and being an engineering major at Union was the best path for me to attain that goal. I also regret being a complete IDIOT and not learning Calculus in the first place when I took Calc I online last summer, therefore screwing me over when I took Calc II fall semester at Union - where I failed miserably. I prayed to God that He would allow me to just make the minimum grade I need in order to make a C in this class and have that F erased from my transcript, but I won't be mad at anyone but myself if it doesn't happen. Why? Because I have no one else to blame. Because I decided innumerable times that my time would be better spent watching movies, reading novels, hanging out with people, etc. than studying for Calculus.

sigh

So for now I'm ranting at myself on my own blog, hoping it might make me feel minutely better about my final tomorrow and the distinct possibility of failing Calculus II AGAIN and wasting my parents' money on - well, a wasted effort to make my transcript look better. I'm sorry for that, by the way. It will also be a waste of ten weeks of stress, pure frustration, and ridiculous tears on my part.

Nevertheless, there are twenty questions standing between me and making a C. I pray that God does whatever He wants with me, and I live and learn from the whole thing.

Good Times

I don't believe I've written in a while, and I have to admit it's mostly because everything is flipping amazing. It's funny how misery drives my writing a lot - also kinda sad. It's when I don't have something to complain about that I'm speechless. Great, huh?

That's not fully true, though. When I'm happy, I often want to shout it out, tell everyone about it. However, for some reason, I usually don't. I guess I don't want to rub it in or something. But you know what?

I am freaking happy.

I had almost given up on that when it found me. God likes to work like that. It's worth it to be patient, although I have to admit that I have been everything but patient. Nevertheless, God is merciful and gave me grace. I wholeheartedly thank Him for that. He knows I don't deserve it, and He gives it anyway.

Pre-season starts in a week, and I'm strangely excited about it. Next Thursday I will be DONE with Calculus II, which I pray I get a C in. Also next Thursday I am going to see PARAMORE in Memphis with an AWESOME guy. Then on Friday we're celebrating my cousin's birthday in Nashville; that'll be incredible. So...pretty much life is great. :) Especially in the next week.

Yeah...that's about it. :D

No More Sitting Down

I just finished watching Meet Joe Black. Good movie. Long movie - just shy of three hours. If you've never seen or even heard of it, it's about a man who is visited by Death. Death makes a deal with him: If the man shows Death around life as a human, he will live a bit longer. So the man finds out that soon he will die. Well, of course, this changes his perspective on things. He decides to not merge his company, he fights to keep it the way he made it, he kind of settles things with one of his daughters.

As a result of watching this movie, I wondered what I would do if I knew I was going to die in a short time. Or at least when I was going to die. And, would it be better to know? The trouble with life is that we must always be prepared to die. It doesn't go on forever, and although we realize that it is difficult to act like it.

What would I do... Well, first of all, I'd find out what was really important to me. It's pretty easy to contemplate this now, but I think that if this were not hypothetical my answers might be different. There are plenty of things I can think of, many of which are typical last wishes. At the very core, how are we that different from one another? We all want the same things: to be loved... Well, that's pretty much it, isn't it? We each have our own desired forms of love, but in the end it all comes down to the same thing. Everyone wants to be happy; to be loved IS to be happy.

I feel like I'm skirting around an issue, but I just let my hands follow my thoughts, which are spastic and random.

I also thought about My Town, the play we did senior year. I got the lead part of Emily Webb. In the last act, I had died. I sat down in my chair/grave and began to talk to other dead. (Btw, sorry if you aren't following me here; you'd have to read the play.) They tell me that I can revisit one instance in my life; I pick one of my birthdays. It's just my mother and I in the kitchen while she's cooking me breakfast. I become frustrated; my mother seems indifferent, and I am ecstatic to see her alive again. Of course, it is just a memory, and she can only hear what has already been said. I yell at her, "Look at me!!" I suddenly realize that we do not appreciate each day we are given. The epiphany leaves me utterly devastated, and I begin to pity the living for their nonchalance and carelessness.

We just don't get it. It's easy to forget that one day it could all be over, and we will sincerely regret letting it slip away without pausing to take advantage of every second, every breath. It's almost exhausting to even think about putting that much of ourselves into every word we say, every look we give, every touch we feel. Nevertheless, it is what we are called to do. We are to do everything wholeheartedly; every minute given to us by God deserves it, I think. We owe that to Him.

I said at the end of last semester that I wanted to make the best of my senior year. I should not offer that as an excuse to wait until then to start making the best of it all. Getting hurt has made me think that throwing my heart into every little thing will only get it broken. The problem is, keeping it myself causes it to waste away. It needs to beat for someone other than myself, because I am not enough to keep it going. Plus, I can't handle all of God's love by myself; I have to delegate. ;)

I want to be risky, I want to be someone you feel like you know, I want you to see my heart on my sleeve because I think - I understand now - that's where it belongs.

I want to be spontaneous, I want to do semi-stupid funny random things with my friends and make memories, I want to stay up all night for no good reason again, I want to kiss the guy I like because it scares me and I have to get past that some day.

I want to be trustworthy, I want to be loyal, I want to be a solid rock that will hold you up but needs help herself sometimes, I want to be someone you look up to, I want to be someone who isn't afraid.

I want to be old and young, I want to be funny and serious, I want you to see that all of this isn't the half of it.

I'm sick of being sad, telling myself that this may be all there is for me. I'm sick of being a pessimist, waiting for everything to fall apart. I'm sick of being afraid, trying to be unoffensive and as a result being unremarkable.

I lose words, I've lost faith, and I'm losing me - but I'm trying to find them all again. Slowly but surely, it will happen. Most likely it will take the rest of my life, but I believe I'm willing to be patient if I just remember that every day is a chance, every breath an opportunity, and every person a reason.

No more sitting down.

All About a Haircut

I feel this need to blog, but I can't think of anything I really want to write about. I can think of a few spiritual things I could go into, but I don't have the energy - and it does take a lot of energy to do them any justice. Therefore, I believe I will talk about hair. :D

I got my hair cut yesterday into a style that is very different for me. I'm getting used to it, which basically means I wasn't sure I liked it at first. It mainly just threw me off. It still needs color, which it will get. Some time. I wanted to chop it off, but Mom pretty much threw a few hissy fits (exaggerating) and was very opposed. Plus a friend told me not to. Fine, fine... I'll tone it down. Somewhat.

Mom was worried that something big was going on that was upsetting me. That was a legitimate fear, although I promise such is not the case this time. The last time I did something drastic to my hair, it was after a emotionally difficult junior year of high school. My best friend and I had fallen out, and it was hard to deal with. Then like two years ago, I wanted to chop it off again. The year previous to that desire was more devastating than junior year by far.

It was always after I lost a good friend. It had to have been a subconscious desire to change who I was, because apparently who I was was not enough to keep people around and loyal. It's this constant feeling that I am not enough. I know - it's ridiculous. But it's also true. None of us are "enough" - because only God is.

For a while now, Satan has figured out that one of the best ways to break me down is to attack my faith in people. I know there is the verse in Psalms that says, "It is better to trust in God than to trust in men." However, there is a part of my heart that belongs to everyone I know. I want so badly to trust people, to believe in them; having that part of me betrayed burns my very soul. Satan knows that. And it's so easy to attack, because people are human and they screw up. What do I do with that? Should I just harden my heart and not let people in, eliminating the chance of being hurt? I tried that, and it was not for me.

Is it bad to have faith in people? Does it make me choose between God and everyone around me? If it does require a decision, why would I not go for the One who will never let me down, who knows my every weakness, loves every part of me, and is greater than I can ever begin to imagine?

Maybe that's my problem. My soul is eternally split between the God who saved it and the people who accidentally (and maybe sometimes purposefully) break it down. I've always had trouble with balance, and here is the ultimate dilemma: Trying to live for my God while willing to die for both God and people.

But that reminds me of the quote I put in my senior yearbook. I don't remember the exact wording, but the message is basically this: Anyone can die for something they believe in; it is something more to live for it.

I guess I found the energy.

Wedding!

Kala and Trevor just got married tonight!!! I was privileged enough to be a bridesmaid in their wedding. It was so much fun and so beautiful. Thankfully, I was able to keep my composure pretty well and did not break down at any point. Had a few close calls, but no less was to be expected. Pray for them as they begin their life together. I can't really imagine a more suited couple.

Summer Randomness

So far summer has been quite uneventful. Well, with the exception of my brother's graduation. And working at Dick's in a new section that I know next to nothing about. Say hello to your Outdoor Specialist! Haha. I feel pretty clueless in there; it can be a little frustrating, but I like doing something besides working a register. Hopefully I will begin working in apparel fairly soon. I so need the money.

Btw...BOO my roommate being gone! :(

Working in retail made me decide the other day that my kids will be whooped if they don't put stuff back where they got it from in stores. People kill me at work. They pick up something and drop it like twenty feet away. They let their kids run around like hooligans (yes, I said it) and do whatever they feel like until they hear something crash - THEN they try to corral them. Being away from the register, customers are still infuriating. Haha. Whatever. Besides getting angry with people, I think this may be my favorite job so far. Although, being a lifeguard wasn't too bad. It could be boring; it was so easy. Where I worked it was easy, anyway. The kids could be real punks, though. To me, none of these jobs seem like "real" jobs. I know they are, but they're not something I would do for the rest of my life. I know people do; well, in retail and in factories they do. Not so much the lifeguarding. But it's weird to think that in a relatively short period of time, I will be thrown into the "real world" and have to actually make money to live off of. Ugh - scary. I will have grad school for at least two more years, so I guess I'm putting it off for a little bit longer.

Right now one of the unimaginable happenings that is closest is the end of my college soccer career. I think next spring semester is going to be SO weird, because I won't have soccer. I just can't imagine it. I want to go on a tangent about being on the team... But I won't. For now. Maybe later, if I feel like blogging again some time soon. Anyway...

This summer is my last chance to become the best athlete I can be. However, when it comes to the season, I just want to play. I don't care if it's varsity or JV. I just want to play.

Another School Year Ended

Although it doesn't truly feel as though it's over. Maybe it's the fact that I didn't have to move out, which is pretty awesome. I may feel the finality of it when I get home and stay a few days for my brother's graduation. Ugh... Emotional event getting ready to happen right there.

I almost have this feeling now that I'm going to be bored this summer. I know I'll be working, taking the online class, and working out for soccer. Thankfully, there will be some friends here in town I can hang out with, as well as some fellow soccer players to work out with. It's just that after the utter chaos that this past semester was, this summer seems tame. Haha. I know - I should not complain. And I'm not. It's a result of the relief that the hectic semester is over and... now what? I was working at high speed for so long, anything less seems catatonic. Ha. I won't be wanting for stuff to do, I believe.

In August, I come into preseason as a senior. That is crazy. A year from now, I will be graduating - God willing, of course. I believe that between now and then, I will change. It does happen every year, I know, but I just have a feeling that I'm going to be different. Or maybe it's a hope that I will. And I do hope that.

Time is such a funny thing. It sneaks up on you and takes you by surprise, even though you know it is coming. It is possible that we shut our eyes to its advance, in hopes of putting it off for a little while longer. I look forward to moving on after Union. Sometimes I feel it holding me back, a piece of my history that needs to be put on a shelf. The past three years have been the hardest years of my life; I have learned much more than I, even now, can imagine.

Next year, I would love to really spend time with the ones I want to keep, the ones who truly matter, the ones who have (possibly) always been there but maybe have fallen to the wayside for various reasons. I want to close doors that need closing, and open new ones that will show me something different about life as well as myself. I want to be a role model for the freshman soccer girls, as well as the older ones. I want to fully commit myself to living for God through everything I do - especially in how I deal with others and my relationships with each of the people in my life. I want to make my senior year my best one in every sense of the word. I want to live my life the way I should have been living it up till now but haven't always succeeded in doing. We'll see what happens. :)

Tornados and Scars

One of the hardest things I had to do after the tornado was list all of my possessions that I had lost. When I began, I was eating with Mom and Dad at Ruby Tuesday's. I started crying, of course; a headache began, and I completely lost my appetite. It literally made me sick to my stomach.

This morning I thought about the relationships, the people I've lost. Really, though, I thought about all the messes I've made of them - or at least the messes they've become.

The night of the tornado, some of us joked around about losing things that were old or broken, saying things like, "Score - new car!" or "I was SO wanting to get a new computer; mine was old!" I have to admit, I have liked getting so many new things; you'd think I was lying if I said I didn't. We all had things that were a little worn out, things that needed replacing, a lot of junk we never used.

What if there was a tornado that could take away all my broken relationships, the friendships that have fallen apart, the ones that break my heart to see so far away from all I could want for them? I guess pondering upon this is equivalent to wishing for all my troubles to be taken away, but I am thinking in more metaphorical terms. What I would like to be taken away is the scars from them. The apprehension that an "over-involved" friendship will happen again; the fear of not being able to handle a friend's choices; the worry that I will not fight enough for someone I love; the thought that I am too much for anyone to deal with; the knowledge that I would give my life for you but can seldom pick up the phone just to talk. Because those are what holds me back. They are things I will have to be careful of, get over, and do something about.

Over and over again to myself I have listed the people I have lost. So when am I done listing? How many times do I have to remind myself that so much innocence is gone? I should have never started. We should always move on, move forward - all the while remembering that these things have made us who we are, but we had a choice as to which direction the effect took. We are not simply spectators in this life; we are the heart and soul of it, living for something more than ourselves, and wanting... wanting to feel that we ARE alive. We are breathing, touching, feeling, seeing, hearing, being. So many times we wait for something to make us feel that way, to live, but we need to realize that a lot of that desire is up to us to fulfill. We choose to live for something that is worth living for, or we choose to just live because what else is there to do? We choose to take tragedy and find reason for rejoicing, or we choose to take it and ruminate on everything that is lost. Life is a choice - and so is love. Love is manifested in so many ways, and it is incredible to see how differently people love one another. We all live different, so why should we not love different? And as all good things, love is not easy and most of the time must be worked for. Such trials make love and life so much more valuable.

I Would Just Like to Say...

It's so funny when I dress up, put on make-up, the whole shebang.  People are so floored.  I find it hilarious.  No one expects it of me to look "glamorous."  

Mom always puts my make-up on, mainly because she's awesome at it but also because I don't have a clue how to put it on.  And she always starts in with, "Oh, Daron!  Just look at your eyes!!  See, if you would just put a little make-up on..."  Boo!  I don't want to mess with it.  Another thing to take up time in the morning while getting ready.  Not worth it.  I hate wearing it.  Too much to worry about.  

As I've gotten older, I don't mind as much getting a little dressed up.  Doing Variety Show is almost like Halloween for me.  I get to be someone completely different than normal, just by fixing my hair, painting my face, and putting on a dress.  And I love singing on stage.  It's just fun.  

Today I was thinking about when (if ever) I would begin wearing make-up on a regular basis.  I don't know if it will happen.  I, of course, don't ever see it happening.  I do know that things change, and there's that possibility that someday I will wake up with the desire to wear make-up.  There is also a possibility that it will never happen.  I don't really care.  If it happens, it happens.  Right now, I am washing this junk off my face.  And gladly.

And that's the conclusion to my blog about make-up.  Cue Mom telling me I should wear it...

Lessons from a Movie

I just finished watching Saved!, which is one of my favorite movies ever.  For those of you who don't know, it's a satire on Christianity.  You should see it, if you haven't.  A lot of people here at Union probably wouldn't really enjoy it; pretty much everyone who I've shared it with here haven't liked it.  I love it, anyway, and that's what matters.  ;)  

One of the main things the movie always makes me think of is judging people.  Thinking you are better than someone because you are a Christian, or haven't made the same mistakes, or have different views about what it means to be a Christian.  Tonight while I was watching it, I picked up on something else.  

There are several events in which a character claims, "Jesus told me to!"  Of course, Jesus "told" them to do things that are sins and do not end well.  It hit me that people may use that excuse to do something drastic, something that toes or even crosses the line between moral and immoral.  Just look at the Crusades, the Inquisition.  In the movie, Mary (main character) has sex with her boyfriend, believing that Jesus told her to do it in order to "cure" her boyfriend's homosexuality.  I'm not saying that any of you would do such a thing; I'm giving an example here.  

The whole movie is basically Mary's journey to discovering what it really means to be a Christian, how knowing right and wrong does not guarantee perfection.  This comes from having made a big mistake.  

We all make mistakes (duh).  We've all made big mistakes, had times at which we thought the world had ended as we knew it.  Nothing could be done to rectify the mess we made.  How untrue!  

God uses every one of our mistakes for His purposes.  He doesn't clean it up for us; He teaches us lessons, gives others examples, reaches out to pick us up from them.  He wants us to turn to Him when everything goes south - and even when it hasn't.  

I don't think I've been very eloquent in expressing my desired message (disregarding this sentence), but I only had a small point to make.  Maybe it's one you've never thought about, or just one you've forgotten (as it was with me).  Mistakes suck:  They can hurt you and everyone around you, they can cause major complications, they can make you feel like you are the biggest idiot on the planet.  However...

If God didn't use our screw-ups, what else would He have to work with?

BYOJ - Bring Your Own Joy

As Christians, we are called to joyful.  To be thankful for each day we've been given and treat it as though it is our last, because it very well could be.  

I never really got that.  I think I believed that happiness was something that happened as a result of your situation, what's going on around you and to you.  I thought I was supposed to wait around until happiness found me; it wasn't something I had to look for.  Now I see it differently.

God calls us to be joyful.  Okay, that shouldn't be that hard.  But then God tells us we will suffer.  We will not have it easy.  With every step, Satan is pulling us back, tripping us up - doing his best to bring us down.  So... how on earth are we supposed to be joyful about that?  Isn't that the exact opposite of happiness: being constantly attacked and torn apart?  

It is.  The thing is, we still have every reason to be happy.  You know why?  I truly hope you do.  It is because we have salvation.  We have been redeemed by an incredible love that we cannot hope to comprehend.  We are not bound to this world!  We don't belong here!  What a relief that is, knowing that we are destined for so much more, that we will soon escape a world we are not meant to be in.  We are God's children, and we are only here for a short while before we are called home.  

So I have no excuses for feeling down or wallowing in self-pity.  My life as of now is not glamorous or perfect, but my future looks a lot like Heaven.  

But I have to fight for this joy.  It is vital that I remember who I am living for and what He has done for me; I have to remind myself that my joy comes from Him alone.  It doesn't come from winning a game in soccer, doing well in school, my friends, or my family.  All those things are just really amazing perks.  I have a Savior that was willing to die for me, a God who knows every niche of my soul, a Creator who made me the way I am for a purpose that only He fully understands.  Those facts should override everything else, for they are what truly matters.  They are what should drive my sense of joy every single day, every single moment.  

This journey of becoming honestly joyful is going to be unimaginably difficult, I know.  It is so easy for me to get caught up in the world around me and forget Who is most important.  I tend to get brought down in a spiral of negative emotions; I effortlessly point out the aspects of my life that are imperfect.  Nevertheless, I am called to this:  To remember Christ who died for me and be joyful in that fact alone.  I need nothing else to make me happy.  He sustains me always.  

Boo

Spring break is over.  Classes start tomorrow.  

Boo that.

Crazy Classes

Professors are being test happy. Which is just making all of us students sad. I understand that they're trying to get us caught up with the original schedule, but it's still stressful. I'm afraid I'll forget another test like I did week before last. Every Union student you talk to has at least two tests each week; previously, it was like all the professors decided to have tests the same week. It was not this constant - it would just all hit at once. Now it's hitting all at once all the time. Haha. Boo tests.

At least today my stats professor didn't have class after our test. I hate when they do that. I want to take my test and get out! However, she is hardcore and believes that even with all this academic craziness we should still get five tests in. :( Oh, and getting four hours of library time in along with all this is just...blah. I don't study well period, and me being in a room with a ton of other people is just going to make that worse. However, I will do my best to put in some time. Thank goodness I'm not working during the week...

I cannot wait for spring break. It will be such an amazing timeout from all this! I can't wait to see Lauren in Tacoma!!! :D And Jen and I are discussing possibly going to Chicago the last few days of break to see Wicked on Broadway. How sweet would that be?? Hopefully we can decide and finalize today so that we can buy tickets. :)))

I'm ready to get out of here for a little bit... Can you tell? ;)

Can I Just Say...

There is a reason I play soccer.  And not basketball.  

:)

Starting Again

Class started again today.  And it's okay.  I don't feel like there is a cloud over the campus or some huge weight on all of our shoulders.  Maybe it's just me, but I am glad to be back.  It is going to take a little getting used to.  Looking from the Walker Rd. entrance, you can see straight through to the SUB building.  That is weird.  The campus looks tiny now.  

I wish Jen and I could move into our apartment, but unfortunately we have to wait until next Wednesday.  I'm staying with two of my old roommates and another friend in their new apartment until then.  I was going to stay at my aunt's, but I kind of prefer walking ten minutes or driving three minutes to driving 15 to 20 minutes from Medina.  And it's fun to stay with them.  

It's interesting how each person has handled the whole situation.  Some who didn't lose a whole lot are traumatized just by the experience.  Some of us who lost a lot of our possessions are taking it pretty well, as far as I can tell.  Every person is different.  I do think that we all feel as though we have more of a camaraderie with the entire student body.  Disasters like this really do bring people together.  My main prayer will be that we will be on the lookout for those students that aren't taking it well, who might try to isolate themselves and fall into depression because they feel separated.  We are in no way alone in all of this, primarily because God has been with each of us the whole time.  Nor are we lacking for people who truly care about us, whether it be at school, at work, or at home.  

I saw Suzanne, the RA who basically saved my life, last night at the worship service.  We just hugged each other for a good while (I cried, obviously), then I thanked her for saving my life.  I know it sounds melodramatic, but it was the truth.  She said, "Oh, God saved us all."  To me she was just an instrument of God that night; I'm sure I'm not the only one she told to get to safety.  

I've decided this starting over again thing isn't half bad.  I get a ton of new stuff!  Haha.  Really, though, I think about the keepsakes that I had in my room, the things that meant something to me, and wonder what I really would have done with them.  I know I would have kept them, for sure, but how long would it be before they were up in an attic in my (future) house to be forgotten for years and years?  I am aware that those things are often found during cleaning excursions and brought out for reminiscent purposes; it's just that...  now I have a bigger story to tell.  

Stuff

That's all it is. And I know that. But when you see what ten seconds before was your room - what ten minutes before you were watching a movie in - you don't view it that way. I keep seeing images of what I saw Tuesday night and think about what I could have saved. I do, however, know that after it was over, we needed to get out.

For insurance purposes, I have begun writing a list of my possessions that were in my room. I started out with the obvious: laptop, video camera, digital camera, iPod, iPod speakers, and so on. After about thirty minutes I had at least five pages of things, and I hadn't even gotten to my clothes. The hardest question I kept asking myself while writing these things down was this: How do you put a price to everything you own? There were innumerable things that could be bought straight from the Columns in Jackson; then there are the things that people made with their own hands, things that had very sentimental value. What are they worth to someone who is writing you a check to try and make up for it all being gone?

I know that I am being quite materialistic. Tuesday night I continuously went between two extremes: "My stuff is gone, but thank God I'm still alive," and "My life is GONE." I felt as though I'd lost part of myself. I know that I will get past this just fine, but it's hard to deal with. It keeps hitting me, like I still don't entirely get it. I do believe, though, that seeing my room blown to pieces of concrete and plaster is what keeps coming back. I wonder how I would feel about it if I hadn't been there. If I'd been working at Dick's, like I would have been had I not left early because I felt sick. I think I would feel much differently had I not seen what was left, had not walked over my old roof, seen what might have been my dresser on another part of the roof, and looked at my floor in the bedroom below.

My roommate did find my Lady Bulldogs soccer sweatshirt, though. Haha. In the parking lot. And I did want a new laptop. Those new iPods look awesome, and I got rid of those ridiculously huge inserts that didn't fit into any shoes I owned. All of my soccer balls were half-deflated and beat up. My bike was at least six years old, and the TV was an old one I got for free from my aunt.

I needed new underwear, too. ;)

Praise God for His Mercy

Yes, I am fine. I am physically unhurt; however, my room is completely gone. We weren't able to get in and see what could be salvaged, and as far as we could tell, there may not be much. My car is in great condition, considering. The sideview mirrors are both broken and there's a dent in the hood plus a few scratches. Practically nothing. Some time I can post the experience on here, but I'm just posting to let you know I'm okay. Thank you for all the text messages and calls, and even thank you for those who didn't call but were worried about me. The only thing I ask of you is to pray. Pray for the students that had more serious injuries, pray for those who are very far away from home, and pray for those who went through it.

Put Away the Gavel

I was thinking the other day (while in church) that I hadn't heard a sermon on judging people for a while. It was one of those random thoughts I get quite frequently which cause me to pause for a moment and consider the subject.

A few weeks ago I had a friend tell me that they were turned off by Christianity, because the last time they went to a church service the preacher declared that gays and drunks would be the first ones to go to hell. My friend had several friends that are homosexual and took it personally that the preacher was condemning her friends to hell.

Just to clarify: I am not saying the preacher was wrong. I am saying that he went about it the wrong way. What I mean is, the Bible preaches against homosexuality and drunkenness. Nowhere, however, does it say that such offenders will be automatically sent to hell. We are all sinners, and ALL sin is EQUAL in God's eyes. I am just as guilty as any alcoholic, druggie, prostitute, or gay. And I try not to forget that, because I could just as easily be in any one of those positions. However, because of my parents, my family, my friends, my choices, and most of all my God, I am not. I know why. I'm not strong enough. I couldn't handle being any one of those people, and God knows it. There are people who can go through such things, and come out stronger in their faith - should they become Christians. I cannot claim to have the capacity to be one of those people. I have gone through much less and wanted to give up living just to escape the pain.

It infuriates me when people judge someone by the way they look or speak. I am not presumptuous enough to say that I don't do the same thing; it makes me angry with myself when I do. You cannot assume you know a person by just looking at them and making your own assessment. That is what we do when we make an assumption of someone without bothering to talk to them or give them the benefit of the doubt. No one can immediately tell if someone is gay just by looking at them. I do understand that some people are flamboyant and have every intention of you knowing what they're about with one glance. But most are not, and we should respect them enough to stay out of their business until invited.

Nevertheless, this judging thing does not stop with first impressions. We have no right to condemn anyone for what they may or may not have done. We are not judges of God; God is the one and only judge. Do you not think you will be judged yourself for handing down convictions that were never yours to give? No one but God is worthy of condemning sinners, for He alone is sinless.

"How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." - Luke 6:42

1 Corinthians 6:1-6

1If any of you has a dispute with another, dare he take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the saints? 2Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? 3Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! 4Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church! 5I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? 6But instead, one brother goes to law against another—and this in front of unbelievers!

I know I probably sound quite self-righteous with this tirade, but I felt it needed to be addressed. I admit that I can be self-righteous at times. It is a minor fault out of my many.

We hear it in movies all the time, and it sounds corny but is quite true: "We're not that different, you and me." It goes back to the Golden Rule, "Treat others as you would like to be treated." Don't judge others when you would hate to be judged yourself.

We ALL fall short.

Serious Randomness

My winning percentage in Solitaire sucks. Seriously. I win maybe once every seven games or so. I wish I could blame the computer; maybe I can. I don't know how much of winning in Solitaire is dependent upon my skill. Probably most of it, and I'm just trying to delude myself into feeling better about my constant losing streak.

I loathe dial-up internet. And this computer is pathetically old and therefore slow.

I'm real excited about leaving for Oregon. I'm ready for a break, ready to have an awesome time snowboarding and just hanging out with nothing else to do. That's a great feeling, you know? Spending time with friends with unlimited availability - for a short time, at least. The more I think about it, the more six days sounds like not enough time. However, I know it's a good while, and it will be amazing.

I hate feeling corny. But I think corny stuff ALL THE TIME. And say it almost as frequently as I think it. Well, maybe not. I blame my extensive reading and movie watching. And major romantic tendencies. I laugh at myself all the time for being melodramatic and cheesy. I let it go more in my poetry. That's a place where at some point it's almost necessary to cross the line of normal conversation and convention. There's a freedom in that. I also let myself get a little cheesy in my blogs, but there is a boundary I kind of set up.

I'm still working on boundaries. Like my own. The other night I was writing in a journal, and I had a kind of picture in my head of these walls I had put up around my heart. And I thought that maybe I somehow locked myself out. I got so busy trying to protect myself, be who I thought I needed to be, that I totally got turned around and walked out on myself. But...maybe God is still there. Maybe He has to let me back in. That's sort of strange to think: The roles are reversed. Instead of God knocking on my heart to let Him in, I'm knocking on my OWN heart - waiting to understand who I am. At one point I thought I had a handle on it. I did. But it got lost in being thrown away, being tossed aside. I questioned so much of myself that I seemed to have wound up with seeing nothing at all, nothing worth saving.

I feel like I need to go away, go somewhere new. I like the idea of starting fresh. I always have. Because I know how hard it is to see people with all these ideas of you, and to think that you have to live up to whatever picture they have in their heads - good or bad, true or not. You can't be all those people. There is "I have become all things to all men, that I might win the more." Although that comes with an amount of sacrifice, it does not mean completely changing who you are according to the people you're around. To me it means exposing certain parts of yourself that will draw those certain people to you. It means possibly exaggerating portions of your personality to show how alike you are to someone you are trying to reach.

I yearn to meet someone I don't worry about this with. I'm not saying that everyone I know turns me into someone different; believe me, I only blame my own weakness of spirit and confidence. If you really know me, you know how hard it is for me to NOT think about this stuff. I wish you all knew me, honestly. Maybe you do. I don't know. I wish I knew everyone. I wish I had a memory fine tuned enough to remember every little thing I ever heard about anyone I know. Because then you would know that I do care about you and want to know you more. I wish I was a good enough person to be like that, to really show what I feel.

But what I feel isn't always what I show. And what I show isn't what I want you to see, usually. I can't control what I show, and I don't control what I don't show. I don't discipline my heart like I should. I don't show the loyalty to people that I feel. You call me in trouble, and I will do whatever I can to help you...but how many times do I pick up my phone to see how you're doing? I just want to let you know that, for the most part, it's fear. I love you, but I'm afraid you don't love me the same way. Please don't feel sorry for me or anything or feel obligated to do something about it. Just read this and try to understand that while my greatest desire is save your life, I am the one who needs saving.

Changing for the New Year

Tomorrow work begins on my room. Although, really, it started today when Mom and I moved everything out. It's ridiculous how much crap I have. Seriously. Here's how most of the conversations went during this process:

Me: "I think I'm throwing this away."
Mom: "Why?
Me: "I don't use it."
Mom: "Don't throw it away."
Me: "Why not?"
Mom: "Somebody might want it."
Me: "Fine, put it with the rest of the junk I'm getting rid of."

It kills her, because she's way more of a pack rat than I am. She wants to keep everything, and I just want to shed everything I don't want. I do have some pack rat tendencies, however. I still keep a lot of junk I never use. When I see something I've passed over the last three or four "cleansings" and haven't used since, I chunk it. It's just taking up room.

Now my room is practically empty, minus the furniture. My desk is still full of stuff; Mom didn't want to go through it. Check that: She didn't want ME to go through it. I am getting hold of it tomorrow, though. No doubt. I'll resist the urge to go right now. Tomorrow we will also experiment with different room layouts. I want to move everything, basically. I like this, even though it ain't much fun to move all my crap to various areas of the house. The majority of it is piled in Lauren's room, where I will be stationed for hopefully only a week. I'm excited about doing something new with my room. I like changes, usually. I think. These kinds of changes, I do.