I just finished watching Meet Joe Black. Good movie. Long movie - just shy of three hours. If you've never seen or even heard of it, it's about a man who is visited by Death. Death makes a deal with him: If the man shows Death around life as a human, he will live a bit longer. So the man finds out that soon he will die. Well, of course, this changes his perspective on things. He decides to not merge his company, he fights to keep it the way he made it, he kind of settles things with one of his daughters.
As a result of watching this movie, I wondered what I would do if I knew I was going to die in a short time. Or at least when I was going to die. And, would it be better to know? The trouble with life is that we must always be prepared to die. It doesn't go on forever, and although we realize that it is difficult to act like it.
What would I do... Well, first of all, I'd find out what was really important to me. It's pretty easy to contemplate this now, but I think that if this were not hypothetical my answers might be different. There are plenty of things I can think of, many of which are typical last wishes. At the very core, how are we that different from one another? We all want the same things: to be loved... Well, that's pretty much it, isn't it? We each have our own desired forms of love, but in the end it all comes down to the same thing. Everyone wants to be happy; to be loved IS to be happy.
I feel like I'm skirting around an issue, but I just let my hands follow my thoughts, which are spastic and random.
I also thought about My Town, the play we did senior year. I got the lead part of Emily Webb. In the last act, I had died. I sat down in my chair/grave and began to talk to other dead. (Btw, sorry if you aren't following me here; you'd have to read the play.) They tell me that I can revisit one instance in my life; I pick one of my birthdays. It's just my mother and I in the kitchen while she's cooking me breakfast. I become frustrated; my mother seems indifferent, and I am ecstatic to see her alive again. Of course, it is just a memory, and she can only hear what has already been said. I yell at her, "Look at me!!" I suddenly realize that we do not appreciate each day we are given. The epiphany leaves me utterly devastated, and I begin to pity the living for their nonchalance and carelessness.
We just don't get it. It's easy to forget that one day it could all be over, and we will sincerely regret letting it slip away without pausing to take advantage of every second, every breath. It's almost exhausting to even think about putting that much of ourselves into every word we say, every look we give, every touch we feel. Nevertheless, it is what we are called to do. We are to do everything wholeheartedly; every minute given to us by God deserves it, I think. We owe that to Him.
I said at the end of last semester that I wanted to make the best of my senior year. I should not offer that as an excuse to wait until then to start making the best of it all. Getting hurt has made me think that throwing my heart into every little thing will only get it broken. The problem is, keeping it myself causes it to waste away. It needs to beat for someone other than myself, because I am not enough to keep it going. Plus, I can't handle all of God's love by myself; I have to delegate. ;)
I want to be risky, I want to be someone you feel like you know, I want you to see my heart on my sleeve because I think - I understand now - that's where it belongs.
I want to be spontaneous, I want to do semi-stupid funny random things with my friends and make memories, I want to stay up all night for no good reason again, I want to kiss the guy I like because it scares me and I have to get past that some day.
I want to be trustworthy, I want to be loyal, I want to be a solid rock that will hold you up but needs help herself sometimes, I want to be someone you look up to, I want to be someone who isn't afraid.
I want to be old and young, I want to be funny and serious, I want you to see that all of this isn't the half of it.
I'm sick of being sad, telling myself that this may be all there is for me. I'm sick of being a pessimist, waiting for everything to fall apart. I'm sick of being afraid, trying to be unoffensive and as a result being unremarkable.
I lose words, I've lost faith, and I'm losing me - but I'm trying to find them all again. Slowly but surely, it will happen. Most likely it will take the rest of my life, but I believe I'm willing to be patient if I just remember that every day is a chance, every breath an opportunity, and every person a reason.
No more sitting down.