Sunday, September 07, 2008

Being Broken

In order for God to truly use someone for His purposes, they have to be broken. I'm pretty sure it's because our humanity wouldn't allow it otherwise. We like to be in control, to be the one in the driver's seat, the one who calls the shots.

I like to know the plan. What's next, what I have to do in order to make everything work. But so often - well, basically constantly - I don't know anything at all. Life's too confusing. It also practically never follows any plan I would like for my life. Things I want so badly take too long to come along. People I want to stay forever leave. People I want to believe in let me down. The person I want to be seems to have been lost somewhere along the way. All the things I want to fix are beyond any repair I can offer.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you can physically feel a weight upon your shoulders? The thing is, it's never just on your shoulders. It sits on every part of your body and isolates on your heart, hindering your breathing and making you tired. It holds you down and makes it impossible for you to feel as though you're actually getting somewhere.

Then there are those moments when you feel unstoppable. You're floating on a cloud, and everything just feels right. Nothing bad can touch you at that moment; it reflects off the invisible shield that surrounds you and leaves you feeling breathless with joy.

The highs are nothing without the lows. You have to have something to compare the highs to in order to truly appreciate what it means to be on the peak instead of in the valley. We all break under the low points. We have to. God is trying to mold us into people who live for Him. To do that, He starts with the broken pieces of who we are now. You don't attempt to change something that's already been created. However, if something breaks, you put it back together. The thing is, we are flawed from the beginning. It's like a crappy piece of pottery you find at a yard sale. You decide to buy it, because you see it for what it can become, not for what it is now. You break it in order to mold it to a new purpose, making it a cup or a bowl.

Even when we are broken, we cannot help but try to fix ourselves! I always try to find what I did wrong this time, how did I get here - and what do I do to get out. We can't even see the full picture; we pick up piece by piece and try to remember where it used to go, not admitting that it wasn't right in the first place! As I continue to be broken, I have to remind myself that it is not me who should be picking up the pieces. It's God. He knows what's best. He knows me better than I do, because He made me. He made me the way I am for a reason, but I get so focused on what I think should happen in this world that I often forget who put me here to begin with and who I should be living for. He's brought me through so much, and the minute He puts me back together, I manage to mess it up all over again. But you know...He never stops. He never gets fed up or wonders why He even bothers. Impatience is not in His nature - but grace is. Mercy is. LOVE is.

I am here because God put me here. I was kept here because God kept me here. And I will go wherever He wants me to go, because I know He will never leave my side and never give up on me no matter how much I screw things up, how many times I turn my back on Him, how many times I yell at Him and ask Him why, or how impatient I get with Him. He is my God, and He will never be anything less than loving and always more than I could ever deserve.