Monday, May 28, 2007

Trust, Friends, and a Spastic Intro

I've almost got a job for the summer, working at a sports clothing factory in McLemoresville. I'll probably start after we get back from vacation. Speaking of vacation, that should be pretty cool. We're going to Lake Tahoe; I don't know what all we'll do. I want to do things like rent jet skis, waterski, and such. Whatever we do, it'll be fun. On to more serious matters... ;)

I think sometimes I believe I'm the only one who cares. I mean, in friendships - sometimes it seems one-sided. I'm discovering more and more that's not the case. It is just another stupid belief I tend to have. It probably has something to do with this sort of fear I have: I don't want to impose on people; if they don't want me around, I don't want to make them be around me. I want to be with those who want to be with me. In a way, it basically gets down to having people like me. Or, rather, a fear of people not liking me. I guess. Haha. Anyway, it's possible that I have begun assuming that people don't want me around, that I'm a burden. Even though I know that's not completely true, I'm sure there are some people that don't really care to be around me. Not a lot, anyway.

So, back to supposedly being the only one who cares, I just am never sure how much people truly like me. I don't know how much people enjoy me being around. I promise I'm not fishing for compliments here; I'm just telling you how I think it goes in my head. It probably also goes deeper, into me not trusting people. I don't trust people like I used to.

For spring break this year, I went to a friend's house in Indiana with another friend (all from the soccer team), and we were just hanging out one night. We pulled out the cards from a game I have, Would You Rather. Not a bad game, but it's actually more fun to just read the questions and discuss them. So, that's what we were doing. The question comes up: "Would you rather trust everyone or trust no one?"

I couldn't really decide. When you trust everyone, you open yourself up to a world of hurt. People disappoint you by breaking your trust; a lot of people find out a lot of things about you that aren't necessarily things you need to share with everyone. Trusting people means letting them in, and letting them in makes it easier for them to hurt you - whether they mean to or not. Those you trust are, well, trusted to hold parts of your life, your heart (wrote a blog about that a while back, by the way). And those are fragile. So, trusting everyone is not really the smartest thing to do. Nor the safest.

But trusting no one? It's hard. And it may actually hurt more than being hurt by being betrayed through your trust in someone else. It's separating yourself from everyone and not allowing anyone to help you get through life, and life is tough to get through. I tried trusting no one, and where did that get me? Miserable, weak, self-loathing - rock bottom. John Donne once wrote, "No man is an island unto himself." How true that is. We are all affected by one another, and thinking we can get away with shutting ourselves off from everyone is ludicrous. Furthermore, thinking that trying to go it alone is better than leaning on everyone else is plain insanity. It can cause you to lose your mind - or almost.

So what then? What are you supposed to do? I assume there's some kind of balance; a middle ground that, while not perfect, allows you to exist halfway comfortably. You know who you are and who your true friends are. There are those you like to be around, but don't confide in. When you have a crisis or problem, you know who you can turn to, who will tell you the absolute truth without sugarcoating it, who won't laugh at you for thinking the way you do.

I've basically been at both ends of that spectrum, between trusting everyone and trusting no one. Both hurt. Both have downsides and upsides, just like everything else in life. Now I'm trying to find where I'm supposed to be in the spectrum. Where is my utopian balance? That's what I want to know. I also want to know who cares. There are those obvious people: my family, certain friends that have stayed by me, no matter the distance - physically or metaphorically.

But there are also those who are not so obvious; those I didn't know cared that much for me. It was amazing to discover that there was a friend who wanted so badly to be one of those people I called a best friend. You don't know what that meant to me. Maybe I thought I was the only one who stalked people (JUST kidding) I wanted to get close to. Sorry if that kind of creeps you out; I promise it's not obsessively weird or anything. I promise. It's that I didn't think anyone wanted that of me. Like, who am I to be sought after? I can't think of the right phrasing for this, but I think you probably know what I'm saying.

It's nice to know who your real friends are, but it usually hurts to find out. It hurts to lose friends, especially those you thought you could trust, those you thought would be there for you. Sometimes it turns out that it depended on what you needed them for. And being there for's one of my biggest desires in life, but it can be so difficult. Finding the right words to say is not easy for me, not really. And sometimes, it hurts to stay. You want to be there, but it may take all you have to do it. Is it worth it? When is enough enough? When does the time come when you have to simply walk away? Or does that come? Did someone just say that so that they could take the easy way out?

The easy way out. It looks so good. And, well, easy. But I'm stubborn. And I like to fix problems, even though this is not really an issue of fixing a problem. At least, I don't think so. As to what it is an issue of, I'm not real sure. Maybe I'll think of it tomorrow. For now, I'm going to bed.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Summer Has Come!

It's finally summer! Of course, it's kind of been summer for a few days - for us Union students, anyway. The last week has been crazy; even after my finals were over. With finals week, there is always the necessary last minute hang out times. Haha. That is in-between the studying, of course. ;)

I'm glad to be out. Not that everyone isn't; this semester has just seemed really long to me. Thankfully, though, now it's over. As for the summer...I have no clue what's in store. I'm trying to get a job somewhere. I applied at Wal-Mart, but I haven't gotten an answer yet. I forgot to put a number for my last job, so maybe that messed me up. They won't take me! Haha. We'll see what else I can find.

I'll also be working out a LOT this summer. I've gotta get ready for preseason and "new and improved" fitness tests! Woohoo. Yeah, I was real excited when Coach gave me the summer packet and I discovered the new times for our fitness tests come preseason: 10:42 for the mile and a half and 20 seconds for each of ten sprints. Yay. We'll just see if that happens. My main concern is being as game-fit as possible. I honestly don't have much faith in passing those fitness tests, but I can be game-fit before I can pass one of those tests. The CCS (chronic compartment syndrome) won't allow it. It's easier for me to play a game for ninety minutes than it is for me to run five miles. Or four, maybe even three. Therein lies the conundrum. I want to come into preseason as fit as possible; I just don't know if that means being able to pass the fitness tests. I guess we'll just have to see about that as well.

My room is almost habitable. Almost. I've been sleeping in Lauren's room (as I believe I will tonight as well), because there has been WAY too much junk on my bed to even consider moving it. Nor was there enough room on the floor to put any more stuff. Ha. My room was a disaster area. Mom and I got a lot of stuff done in there today, but it's still struggling.

By the way, I hate the internet at home. I love living out in the country, but when it comes to high speed internet, it ain't happening. It's slow as molasses. It means I won't be checking everything as frequently. At school I checked constantly because once I turned it on, it would stay on. And it took all of five minutes to check everything and reply to whatever I had. Now it's a completely different story. I'll be lucky if I check it two or three times a week now. Although, I really don't expect to get much in the way of wall posts, comments, or e-mails that aren't from companies.

I believe I'm catching up on all the sleep I lost from the last semester. Which is pretty awesome, but it seems as though I am way behind. This may take a while.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Growing Up

Ethan Cole Duncan has entered into the world! Cynthia had him about 2:30 this afternoon. I got to see both mother and baby soon after. It is amazing. HE is amazing. He's six pounds, ten ounces, and twenty and a half inches long with practically a head full of black hair and big feet. Haha. I got to hold him, too.

I was with Cynthia in the labor and delivery room yesterday afternoon. She was having minor contractions as I talked to her. And while I was in there, I thought: "How did we get here?" I mean, how did we get from worrying about prom and graduation to having kids? Don't freak out, I'm not having kids...yet. Cynthia and I graduated together, for those of you who weren't aware of that. Since when are we old enough to start families? Since when are we adults? I don't consider myself to be an adult; I turn twenty in ONE WEEK, and I am anxious about it. Seriously, I am a little nervous. And I'm not even sure why! I'm getting older. It just keeps hitting me. I'm supposed to be "grown up", and half the time I don't even know what that means! What does it mean? Getting married, having kids, having a job, paying taxes? Honestly, it scares me. I feel so...unprepared. Like I don't have a clue what I'm doing. Of course, most of the time I'm pretty sure I don't.

However, I am kind of looking forward to it. I want to get married, definitely. And watching Cynthia over the last two days really made me think about the (possible) day that I'll be in her spot. That's absolutely scary to think about, but also quite invigorating. I can't explain it. I want to have children; I have no doubts about that. As for the job and taxes, those can wait. ;)

As I stood in the hospital room with Cynthia, Ethan, and their family, I began to cry. I'm overly emotional, as you probably know, so this is not unusual. Seeing Cynthia holding this brand new life was just unbelievable. I'm not quite sure I believe it yet. As I texted to Mom and told Cynthia, it was just crazy.

So, this growing up thing is scary and exciting at the same time. I just hope I figure out what I'm doing as I get older.