Sunday, December 24, 2006

Hey, Hey. Hey, Guess What?

IT'S CHRISTMAS! Okay, it's not technically Christmas yet, but it's close enough. For...saying IT'S CHRISTMAS! Just leave me be and let me be happy. :) I'm just glad Christmas is finally here, because it felt so far away. But now it'll be over so soon. Ugh. Another one come and gone.

Anyway, I'm not really going anywhere with this; I just wanted to say: Merry Christmas! I pray that everyone has a great Christmas and gets to spend a lot of time with their families with minimal stress and/or crying. Except crying with happiness. Right.

God bless all of you! I love you!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

I'm Still Here

Beat me down
Lie to my face
Turn your back
I’ll still be here

You can question me
Second guess my faith
Avoid me like a plague
I’ll still be here

You lied to me
Swore you were always true
Destroyed my trust
I was still here

You got sick of me
Turned me away
We’re okay now cause
I was still here

You left me behind
Traded me for others
While wondering if you care
I’m still here

Make up your mind
Or follow your gut
Whichever path you choose
I’m still here

Call me a loyal fool
Call me sentimental
Maybe one day you’ll need me
Maybe that day is today

I’m still here

Monday, December 18, 2006

The Results Are In! And My Love Language Is...

Physical Touch!!! Who knew it? Eh? Eh? Haha. Yeah, so I started and completed The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman today. Yes, I am a bookworm. It was a very good read; I suggest it for everybody. It's good to know. I did not know until after I read it (as I was skimming through the last pages which consisted of ads for other books) that there was a version for us single folk. I read the marriage version. Doesn't change the fact that it was majorly informative. I'll probably get the singles version and read that one as well. Why not?

Anyway, if you've never read the book, heard anyone talk about it, or are totally lost, I'll give you the basics. Everybody has a love language; something that speaks to their personal emotional needs and makes them feel truly loved. If you do not speak your spouse's love language, he/she may feel rejected and unloved (this is the married version, mind you). The five love languages are: Quality Time, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch. Quality Time: You want to spend time with your significant other and really talk, not just be in the same room. Acts of Service: You feel loved when he/she does things - big and small - for you without being asked and especially if you know they would normally never do those things - unless they truly loved you. Receiving Gifts: When you get gifts, your desire to feel loved is fulfilled; they don't have to be expensive - it is the thought that matters. Words of Affirmation: You need to be complimented, told how much you are appreciated, and be encouraged constantly in order to feel loved. Physical Touch: That's a no-brainer; whether it's a hug, a kiss, holding hands, cuddling, or even a brush of the hand when he/she passes by, you need it to feel that he/she loves you.

Of course, the book goes into much greater detail and gives tips on speaking the other's love language if it is not your "primary" love language. As I read through each language, I obviously pondered whether or not it was my primary one. Quality Time is a big deal to me, for sure. I knew that Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, and Words of Affirmation were definitely not it. I enjoy having things done for me sometimes; and who doesn't like getting gifts? I just wouldn't like it all the time. Not really. Words of Affirmation...I have always felt kind of uncomfortable when people complimented me a lot about something. Don't get me wrong; I love being complimented (duh). It's just not me. I got to Physical Touch, and I was sold. Haha. I took the test at the end and got the highest score possible towards Physical Touch. Quality Time was second, with the others quite far behind.

So, that's why I'm a hugger. And a dang good one at that...that's what I've been told, anyway. ;) One of the things I've gotten from being home is a lot of affection. My family - particularly my mom's side - are all touchy-feely...I love it! Papa Joe is awesome; today I took a nap in the recliner with him. Haha. So great. I think things like that are the reason Physical Touch is my primary love language, although I'm not sure how much a person's raising has to do with it. Dr. Chapman (the author/psychologist) talked a little about how children have love languages as well. Once again, everyone needs to read that book if they haven't already. If you have, I would love to know what your love language is. Just for personal knowledge. ;) Maybe you already know!

Yes, I am a dork, but you love me. And if you love me, you'll give me a hug! ;) ;) ;)

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Coming Home

For the last two weeks - or more, really - I have been SO ready to come home. I've never been like that. It wasn't what you would call homesickness; it was being sick of where I was. Too much crap was going on, and I was ready to get away from it. However, today when I was getting ready to go, I felt reluctant to leave. What on earth?! How does that make sense?

I just get so dadgum emotionally connected to places and people. Especially people. It's another negative aspect of being an overly emotional being. For example, a few years ago I was betrayed by my best friend - whom I had been friends with since preschool. I did not deal well with having my trust in her destroyed. Who would? So for the longest time after I confronted her, we didn't really talk and definitely didn't hang out. However, during the summer, her mother asked to talk to me, and she told me that her daughter, my friend, needed me. She said things like, "You're a good influence on her," and "Y'all have been friends too long to just let it go." Or something like that. Anyway, I ended up going to see the girl. We eventually became okay (we still are), but we never again became that close. Of course, I didn't trust her enough to tell her a whole lot. And she's one of those people that holds everything in anyway.

Someone else who hurt me was obviously having a hard time, and I so badly wanted to ask her what was wrong. I knew that wouldn't fly. Or I didn't want to admit that I cared that much. But I do. And it's annoying.

As much resentment as I have felt towards so many people at school, I am STILL emotionally connected. And it will stay that way. Eventually it will get better, and I won't think about it so much; but it will still be there. I don't forget this kind of stuff. I wish I could. Things would be so much easier if I could. But things are never easy. We make them hard. I know I do, but so much of it is ingrained in me. I can't help it.

It doesn't help that I may still be working on the forgive part.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

My Poetry

Flowers and dewdrops
Mystical rains
Images hidden
Behind perfect words


Broken hearts with tears
Shards of glass
Pain and happiness
Thrown in your face

Simple to read
Hard to swallow
This poetry of mine
Are you willing to follow?


El espanol final es fin! Gracias a Dio!

Haha...I am done with Spanish! For one semester, anyway. I don't know if I can last another one...ugh. Tomorrow (or today, rather) is World Lit I. I am just ready to get it over with. After that, I have no more studying to do; SCORE! Wednesday is Public Comm, and Thursday is Instructional Technology in the Classroom. If that last one sounds ominous, fear not! For it is only a class full of busy work and a teacher who is quite anal! Okay, that's kind of mean, and I'm sorry. But seriously, that is one of the most ridiculous classes I've ever been in, and I will be SO ecstatic when it's finally over. We just have a presentation for Public Comm; we have a meeting tomorrow night to finalize everything.

So, at around one o'clock tomorrow afternoon, I will be free from the shackles of studying. Furthermore, at around four o'clock Thursday afternoon, I will be OUT.

Ah...sweet break...

Then back January 2 for J-term. However, I'm excited about that and looking forward to it - minus the homework part.


Sunday, December 03, 2006

What Makes Me Love You?

How do we grow to love people? I mean, really love them? We all have friends, family, people we know. Most of us would do anything for some people. I would do anything for pretty much anybody, regardless of how I felt about them. I think I would, anyway. I haven't had to cross that bridge before. Just hang with me, here...

When you tell someone a secret, you create this bond with that person. It may be in passing, someone completely out of the blue; it may be someone that you have known your whole life but have never really spent a lot of time with or talked to. Either way, you look at them differently afterwards. Why? You could have related a struggle that you've been having or something you've done that not a lot of people know about. Whatever it was, it was something that you wouldn't normally share with just anybody, but for some did. With that person. Maybe you felt driven to share it because they may be struggling with something similar, and you want to help. Or you may get this feeling that, out of all your close friends, that person will understand...more than any of the people you normally share your secrets with. And that...changes everything. Once again, why?

You shared yourself.

You handed them a part of yourself that is not out in the open. You let down your guard - just for that moment - and forever changed your perspective of him/her. Your perspective is now one of seeing him/her as someone who holds a part of you. And you know what's scary about that? Now he/she has power over you. Of course, that's the more pessimistic way to look at it. The more optimistic view would be that of seeing that person as another connection, another person to share your life with - just a part of your life.

Back to the original question: How do we grow to love people? Simple. We share pieces of ourselves with them. You share an experience or struggle, and a connection is created. There will always be people that you just casually talk to and hang out with; however, there are those that you choose to become closer to and share yourself with. When that happens, they hold a part of you; I guess you could say that their holding you is endearing, in a way. I can't think of a better word to describe it. There are certain people that you just want to pour your life into and lay it all on the line. You may not know what draws you to them, but there is something. Maybe it's because you want them to share themselves with you, if only to help them. But...what if they don't reciprocate? What if they walk away? When they walk away, they walk away with a part of you that you can't take back. You may have shared it with someone else, but there is still that person - who chose to walk away - out there with that piece. Sometimes, it's not a big deal. Other's devastating. However, there are people that do reciprocate, that do share their secrets with you. And that's amazing. It can be.

But what happens when that falls apart as well?

I guess that would depend upon you. And how you react to such things. Furthermore, that depends upon what has happened to you before and how you handled other - possibly very similar - situations.

So, to quote myself - "What's my issue?!" - you may be wondering how I got started on all of this. Not that any of y'all wonder about where I get this stuff anymore, because it is seemingly very random. ;) Anyway... I thought up a quote last night that I am quite proud of but am not sure about its originality: "Why do I try to give my heart away when it's not mine to give? It is God's." To counter myself, this is truth: I want someone to share my life with. And I don't mean just all my secrets; I mean EVERYTHING. I want someone to know my past, what I do in the present, and what I hope and plan to do in the future. I want someone to know what I'm thinking. I want someone to know my every expression. I want someone to know why I'm crying, even if I don't (if that's possible). Furthermore, I want to hold someone else's life like that.

Believe me, I know that it is beyond idealistic - to the point of delusion - to think that that is possible. I also know that God knows all of that. Forgive me for possibly being non-Christian and heretic, but that is not what I want in this case. In this case, I want my husband to be that person with whom I share lives with...A life with. Yes, I know the things that I want take time...LOTS of time...and I can't say I'm willing to wait. I've never been patient in waiting for something like this. I am getting better, but I have so much more to learn and so many things to become content about.

I love talking to people. And for the most part, I believe I do actually enjoy sharing secrets/struggles/thoughts with certain people. Where I really mess up is sharing everything with the wrong people. Don't think that I am saying some people are just wrong; I am saying that they are wrong for me. I get caught up in my love for someone and don't hold back. Some people put up a wall, huge defenses that no one can get through, because they won't let anyone through. They don't want anyone to see everything. Maybe therein lies my problem: I want someone to get through. I throw my heart on my sleeve and wait for someone to ask me about it. What if I didn't do that? What if I kept things hidden away or acted like certain things didn't happen?

I wouldn't be me.

But is being me a problem? I am flawed; of this I am acutely and painfully aware. How much of myself can I put in the open until it is a certifiable problem? Is it ever? Of course, there are some things that people will never know; those things are always present. However, is a wall necessary? I know many people that would say, "Yes, my wall is absolutely necessary. What else keeps me from being hurt by others?" To those I say: "But are you happy with your wall? If you are happy with it, are you truly untouched by others? Do you really avoid the pain of being betrayed or loved?" Because I believe there is a certain amount of pain in being loved. I won't go into that for now... Anyway, how can we truly be safe from the pain others can bring? To quote John Donne, "No man is an island unto himself." We are all connected; we are all affected. Is a true defense system even possible? No. I don't believe so.

To conclude this rambling of mine, I leave you with this:

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?" - Ecclesiastes 4:9-11