Monday, February 06, 2006


I'm disappointed. I am not quite sure how much it takes to disappoint me, but I do know that it has happened - again. The first big time it happened, my world felt torn apart. I felt so lost. I couldn't face the people that disappointed me for the longest time.

This time it wasn't as big. It really was kind of small, comparatively. When people closest to me do things I would never expect of them, I get disappointed. I don't know if that's intolerant or what. At first I was just mad. I got over that, but I knew something else was bothering me. It was then I realized that I am disappointed. It hurts. It hurts because I am repeating the same mistake I made a couple of years ago: I let the other person's mistake get in the way of our friendship. I am in serious danger of doing it again, and that scares me. It scares me because I don't know how I can stop it; I don't know that I can.

I don't know how much sense this is making. I can't sleep for thinking about it. The thought of losing someone this close to me because I can't handle their mistakes is killing me. Am I being ridiculous? Am I being their conscience? Am I obsessed with keeping a perfect picture of everyone I know until they do something that I can't ignore?

All this makes me think that if I get this....upset, depressed, disappointed with things my friends do: How does God feel? I mean, I feel like I'm about to explode. Earlier I was shaking and couldn't control myself. God loves every person in this world more than I could ever even think of, and how many times have we messed up? How many times have I alone messed up? What about all those people that are in jail, that have committed murder, that have cheated on their spouses, that have done a million things that I can't even imagine? Who am I to feel this way? Is it right? Is this some kind of God complex, or am I just being overly dramatic?

I do not know.

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