This is a song I wrote Sunday; there have been several times where I have been inspired while in church. I guess that makes a lot of sense, huh? Believe it or not, this is one of the happier songs I've ever written. That's just how I work; when I get down, I write. I'm working on writing stuff when I'm in a good mood or having a great day, but that's still in progress.
Leaving It Up To You
Down in the depths
Of my own sorrow
Suffocating slowly
I am brought so low
I can't see the light
Hopelessness takes me
No desire to get up
Let the darkness have me
(chorus)
I can't do this anymore
God, You'll have to make me
Want to live, want to try
Take my hand and lift my soul
There's no more I can do
I'm leaving it up to you
I felt so alone
With no one to hold me
Tell me to keep going
This is temporary
I wanted so badly to quit
No more burdens to bear
But I turned to God
And this was my prayer
(chorus)
I can't do this anymore
God, You'll have to make me
Want to live, want to try
Take my hand and lift my soul
There's no more I can do
I'm leaving it up to you
Why do I wait so long
To let go of what holds me down
When You're waiting patiently
For Your grace to be found
I try so hard to fix it
I try to do it on my own
When I need to look to You
And hold on to You alone
What a relief to leave it up to You
God, I'm thankful You've made me
Want to live, want to try
You picked me up lovingly saying
There's no more for you to do
I'm taking it up for You
Monday, November 13, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Trying, Crying, and Letting Go
So, if you know me at all, you know I'm stubborn to a fault. Well, it is a fault, I guess. Unless it applies to standing strong in what I believe in. Aaaanyway...when something is wrong, I try to fix it. And I'm so hard-headed that I will not let it go. I have to do something. I have to make it better. I try with everything I have to fix things that I have no chance of fixing. Still, I try. And I hold on.
I also cry. A lot. It's a condition I've had since I became emotionally aware...of my emotions. Haha...ha. Lol. Moving on...I am so emotional. And I don't like it. I hate it when I get to talking about something that is dear to me or makes me angry or sad, and I start to break down or do break down - especially in front of a group of people. It is SO much fun, let me tell you! I wish I could keep my cool better. I wish I could talk rationally (and clearly) about things that really matter to me, but most of the time it's impossible. It frustrates me, and I wish I could do something about it. But I can't.
When I try so hard to fix something that can't be fixed, I eventually end up crying. Of course, I cry along the way, too. I have been so low that I don't know how I'm going to ever get up again. I didn't know if I wanted to. When you hit rock bottom, there's only one place to go: Up. But how do you start? How do you find that first foothold? I knew there was a foothold, and I knew how to find it. However, I wanted to try and find it myself. For someone who tries to downplay her abilities and doesn't trust herself, I must be insane to not learn from my mistakes. I am insane, but that's beside the point. ;) I am so stubborn that I continue to use the same old methods of fixing things that have never worked to fix a problem that I know how to fix...but not by doing it myself. The problem was not knowing how to fix it; the problem was when I was willing to let it go. I can't tell God that I'm letting it go if I'm still holding on and analyzing and trying to solve. I'm just saying the words...and that means nothing. There's nothing behind it. It wasn't like I had some revelation or something somebody said triggered anything; I just had simply had enough. Enough of trying. Enough of failing. Enough of feeling this anger, bitterness, and sadness that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at once.
I'm still not sure what's going on with me, and there are numerous things still flying through my brain that I can't figure out. There's a lot of things I don't know, and maybe I'll never find some out. Right now, at this moment...that's okay. I'm okay. And that's all you need to know.
I also cry. A lot. It's a condition I've had since I became emotionally aware...of my emotions. Haha...ha. Lol. Moving on...I am so emotional. And I don't like it. I hate it when I get to talking about something that is dear to me or makes me angry or sad, and I start to break down or do break down - especially in front of a group of people. It is SO much fun, let me tell you! I wish I could keep my cool better. I wish I could talk rationally (and clearly) about things that really matter to me, but most of the time it's impossible. It frustrates me, and I wish I could do something about it. But I can't.
When I try so hard to fix something that can't be fixed, I eventually end up crying. Of course, I cry along the way, too. I have been so low that I don't know how I'm going to ever get up again. I didn't know if I wanted to. When you hit rock bottom, there's only one place to go: Up. But how do you start? How do you find that first foothold? I knew there was a foothold, and I knew how to find it. However, I wanted to try and find it myself. For someone who tries to downplay her abilities and doesn't trust herself, I must be insane to not learn from my mistakes. I am insane, but that's beside the point. ;) I am so stubborn that I continue to use the same old methods of fixing things that have never worked to fix a problem that I know how to fix...but not by doing it myself. The problem was not knowing how to fix it; the problem was when I was willing to let it go. I can't tell God that I'm letting it go if I'm still holding on and analyzing and trying to solve. I'm just saying the words...and that means nothing. There's nothing behind it. It wasn't like I had some revelation or something somebody said triggered anything; I just had simply had enough. Enough of trying. Enough of failing. Enough of feeling this anger, bitterness, and sadness that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at once.
I'm still not sure what's going on with me, and there are numerous things still flying through my brain that I can't figure out. There's a lot of things I don't know, and maybe I'll never find some out. Right now, at this moment...that's okay. I'm okay. And that's all you need to know.
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