Wednesday, February 22, 2006


Change can be very scary. In spite of being scary, it can be very good. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that that change you were so afraid of was actually the best thing that could have happened. I haven't gotten to that stage yet.

The main problem is I don't know what changed. The most likely candidate is me, as always. It bugs me when I feel so different, and I don't know why. You'd think that as much as I don't know I would be used to not knowing stuff; however, that is most definitely not the case. I hate being lost. It happens all the time, but I don't feel any differently about it.

I can't figure it out. I know something happened, and I have an idea of what it could have been. I just don't think that's the solution. The hardest thing with all of this is just to let it go and let God take over. I want to understand...most of the time. Sometimes I'm a little scared about what I might find in myself if I dig so deep. It's a part of discovering myself; I know that. I just don't know if I want to discover everything. The human soul is dark. Only Jesus brings light. Apart from that, it's complete darkness. Some recesses are hard to accept, and we don't even want to touch them. Jesus, however, wants to expose every piece of our hearts in His light. That is hard to allow. Actually seeing what is so deep inside of you changes you. You can't help it.

Sometimes I get these revelations about myself. They're not always good, not always helpful, and most often painful. In the end, though, they're probably a good thing. I mean, it really helps to understand why you are the way you are. Occasionally it just adds another element of mystery to my personality. I really don't understand myself at all. Some day I would like to go to a psychologist just to see what he/she says. Can they label this kind of confusion?


  1. Yay! I love the uncontrolled thought gush that happens so often to us Webb-brains. The coolest thing is that God's hand is big enough to hold us while we're squirming to find something that's familiar. I'm reminded of Sara Groves' song "Paint Pictures of Egypt". Go check out all the lyrics. But it talks about not fitting where we used to be anymore. We've learned new things and been shaped by them in a way that doesn't allow us the luxury to stay where we are. The beauty of grace and the provision of the Holy Spirit is that we're completely safe and even sung over as we make these transitions. Jesus talks about the Holys Spirit being the Comforter in John 14, but He goes on in John 16 to point out His other purposes: to show the world sin, righteousness, and judgment. You were dead on in saying that man's heart is dark, and the Holy Spirit is our only means by which to understand Truth (or Light, in other passages). And we all know that Truth ISN'T always attractive, but more importantly, IT'S LIBERATING.
    Also, Light is powerful. By the laws of the physical realm, darkness can never overcome light. Think about a dark room, even one candle will dispel much darkness, but the darkness will NEVER be able to mute the effect of the light. I'm learning throught some difficult times myself that the growing love for God and one's self in a life is a journey. There is joy and pain, but the grace hemming it all in is the beauty and the only glory we've ever had. That's the part that lets me sleep at night.
    I love you, and I'm so proud of you. Sorry I wrote a book on your blog!

  2. Daron,
    I love you more than life itself. I know it seems like a frantic, exaggerated, fleeting kind of thing to say, but I mean every word. I know you are going through this transition, and I want to be your support. There are feelings I want to impress upon you, maybe to make things clearer, like you are safe, you are loved, and you are wonderful all around. But, to say these things is not enough to get you to feel them. You have this tendency to play down the things I say... lol! But, really, I want to be someone you can be open with; you don't need to hide when you are with me. I don't know if I am doing it right, but I want to be what you need. Because, I need you. The great thing about our friendship is that we complement each other: I've been where you are, and you can do what I can't. So, let me know how I can make it better for you. And, if I screw up, please forgive me!