Change can be very scary. In spite of being scary, it can be very good. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that that change you were so afraid of was actually the best thing that could have happened. I haven't gotten to that stage yet.
The main problem is I don't know what changed. The most likely candidate is me, as always. It bugs me when I feel so different, and I don't know why. You'd think that as much as I don't know I would be used to not knowing stuff; however, that is most definitely not the case. I hate being lost. It happens all the time, but I don't feel any differently about it.
I can't figure it out. I know something happened, and I have an idea of what it could have been. I just don't think that's the solution. The hardest thing with all of this is just to let it go and let God take over. I want to understand...most of the time. Sometimes I'm a little scared about what I might find in myself if I dig so deep. It's a part of discovering myself; I know that. I just don't know if I want to discover everything. The human soul is dark. Only Jesus brings light. Apart from that, it's complete darkness. Some recesses are hard to accept, and we don't even want to touch them. Jesus, however, wants to expose every piece of our hearts in His light. That is hard to allow. Actually seeing what is so deep inside of you changes you. You can't help it.
Sometimes I get these revelations about myself. They're not always good, not always helpful, and most often painful. In the end, though, they're probably a good thing. I mean, it really helps to understand why you are the way you are. Occasionally it just adds another element of mystery to my personality. I really don't understand myself at all. Some day I would like to go to a psychologist just to see what he/she says. Can they label this kind of confusion?