Monday, September 25, 2006

Who I Am

It's just crazy the places you end up, isn't it? How did I go from being pretty quiet and shy in high school, to one of the loudest and craziest people you'll ever met? There was a definite turning point, but there has also been obvious growth since then. I've crawled more and more out of my shell as the years go by. I don't worry about what people think; however, that never was a very prominent concern in the first place. Most of my previous shyness was the result of not wanting to waste people's time. If I thought there was a possibility that someone didn't really want to talk to me, I wouldn't even try. That was before. Before Volunteer Girls State (ask me some time and I'll try to explain it - best week of my life helps sum it up). Before I told myself that I would no longer hold back but be myself to the utmost.

God brought me to Union. I've met SO many amazing people here, it's ridiculous. Having this many wonderful people who try to live for God should be illegal. Of course, I am seriously glad it's not. The girls on the soccer team alone are gorgeous in their own ways, inside and out (who knew 35 girls could get along so well?). There are also a ton of people that I've met outside of soccer, as well.

To get to the main point of this whole blog:

I have really learned part of who I am in the last year or so. I have learned that:
  • As much as I don't want to, I will disappoint people
  • I am maternal (haha)
  • It hurts to care as much as I do
  • By being an emotional person, I help others deal with their emotions
  • I know how to deal with people when they get emotional (most of the time)
  • I can help people trust
  • I do believe in myself...sometimes
  • Contrary to popular belief, I can get REALLY ticked (and mean)
  • I have no self-discipline
  • There are some things that just really set me off
  • I have to know where I stand with people, or it drives me insane
  • I like to face problems (especially with people) head on
  • Confrontation is not among my favorite things to do, but I do find it necessary quite often
  • My emotions definitely drive a lot of my decisions
  • My own emotions can confuse me
  • Sometimes, I am an idiot (wait, I am pretty sure I already knew that...)
  • Sometimes, I can be really intelligent (only sometimes)
  • I really LOVE having serious discussions on almost any topic
  • I LOVE goofing off and doing mischevious things
  • I am pretty much a pushover
  • However, I can only take so much stuff, and I WILL hold my ground
  • My heart is even more on my sleeve than I thought it was
So I think I can stop there; I really didn't realize the list would be that long! Nevertheless, I have a feeling that that list will just continue to grow as I accumulate new friends who teach me things about myself and get closer to God, who already knows everything about me. I'm really looking forward to it.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Too Fast

This week has been ridiculous. It's already technically Friday, and I feel like it's just begun. I also feel like I'm running out of time. Time for what, I'm not sure. Running out of time to do what I need or want to do, probably. I've had a lot of homework to do, soccer takes up around three hours every day, and classes seem to have multiplied for some reason.

I've said before that I don't like to have nothing to do; having a lot of stuff going on makes me appreciate things, strangely. However, feeling this rushed and almost panicked drives me crazy. I need some serious downtime, and I won't really get any this weekend. We have soccer practice on Saturday AND Sunday! Ugh. Not only that, but I have committed to singing at my hometown's Heritage Festival Saturday. After I sing, I'm going to drive right back to Jackson with little time left before practice. I need some time to just breathe. I just want to hang out without homework and other duties shadowing me the whole time. I would like some time to think; about what, I'm not real sure either. I hate when I don't have time to think about something that I need time to think about. This has been one of those weeks where I do not have time. Things need to slow down, if just for one day.

As for my last post, I want y'all to understand that it was not about giving up. However, I did get close to giving up the possibility of being on varsity. It was one of those days where I felt like my work was futile, and I was feeling helpless. I'm not sure what else was going on in my head, but I know I was really emotional that night. That tends to happen every once in a while. ;) I don't know if this is making much sense; nevertheless, I wanted to clarify that I wasn't giving up on anything, except maybe not caring at all about soccer.

I'm ready for this week to be over, but there's no guarantee that next week will be any less chaotic. We'll just have to see, won't we?

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Romans 5:3-5

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

What does that mean to me? Now - at this moment - it hurts me. Last year, it gave me a boost to think that the suffering I was going through with compartment syndrome would be transformed into perseverance, then character, then hope. And at the beginning of this semester, I thought it had. And maybe it did; maybe I'm not as characterally weak as I was last year.

I tried to tell myself I didn't care. Screw varsity. Play for me.

I don't work that way. God doesn't work that way.

Once upon a time, I had plans to play with the U. S. Women's National Team. Some time in high school, I decided that I was nowhere close to being talented or dedicated enough to do that. But I thought that I could at least play in college. That's what my goal was throughout high school. I had no idea where I wanted to go, but I knew that I wanted to play. My first dream school was University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. I decided that I was not on that level either. It was then that I decided I would settle for whatever school took me. It was God that sent me to Union, I am positive of that. I KNOW that.

This past spring when I knew I would either have to quit playing soccer or have surgery, I prayed that God would tell me what to do. I knew I wanted to play soccer, but I wasn't sure that's what He wanted. My "dew on the blanket" was a stuffed soccer ball pillow. Normally I don't sleep holding onto any kind of stuffed animal or anything, but I prayed that I would hold on to that soccer ball one night: If I woke up and it was still on the bed, I would have surgery and keep playing. If I woke up and the ball had fallen to the floor, I would take that as a sign that I was meant to quit soccer.

I woke up several times that night. I guess I was so nervous about that stupid soccer ball falling to the floor; I didn't want it to happen. In the morning, it was still on the bed. I had surgery.

I guess my mistake this semester was thinking that I had a chance. And I keep thinking it. Maybe I just need to forget about it, and wait until next year. But I can't. I know I can't. But now I'm confused. Is this God telling me that I should have quit soccer and just given up? Or is it Satan testing me, watching me fall?

I'm losing hope. I feel like my character is weak. I have no perseverance. Yet I suffer.