Friday, May 16, 2008

Another School Year Ended

Although it doesn't truly feel as though it's over. Maybe it's the fact that I didn't have to move out, which is pretty awesome. I may feel the finality of it when I get home and stay a few days for my brother's graduation. Ugh... Emotional event getting ready to happen right there.

I almost have this feeling now that I'm going to be bored this summer. I know I'll be working, taking the online class, and working out for soccer. Thankfully, there will be some friends here in town I can hang out with, as well as some fellow soccer players to work out with. It's just that after the utter chaos that this past semester was, this summer seems tame. Haha. I know - I should not complain. And I'm not. It's a result of the relief that the hectic semester is over and... now what? I was working at high speed for so long, anything less seems catatonic. Ha. I won't be wanting for stuff to do, I believe.

In August, I come into preseason as a senior. That is crazy. A year from now, I will be graduating - God willing, of course. I believe that between now and then, I will change. It does happen every year, I know, but I just have a feeling that I'm going to be different. Or maybe it's a hope that I will. And I do hope that.

Time is such a funny thing. It sneaks up on you and takes you by surprise, even though you know it is coming. It is possible that we shut our eyes to its advance, in hopes of putting it off for a little while longer. I look forward to moving on after Union. Sometimes I feel it holding me back, a piece of my history that needs to be put on a shelf. The past three years have been the hardest years of my life; I have learned much more than I, even now, can imagine.

Next year, I would love to really spend time with the ones I want to keep, the ones who truly matter, the ones who have (possibly) always been there but maybe have fallen to the wayside for various reasons. I want to close doors that need closing, and open new ones that will show me something different about life as well as myself. I want to be a role model for the freshman soccer girls, as well as the older ones. I want to fully commit myself to living for God through everything I do - especially in how I deal with others and my relationships with each of the people in my life. I want to make my senior year my best one in every sense of the word. I want to live my life the way I should have been living it up till now but haven't always succeeded in doing. We'll see what happens. :)

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Tornados and Scars

One of the hardest things I had to do after the tornado was list all of my possessions that I had lost. When I began, I was eating with Mom and Dad at Ruby Tuesday's. I started crying, of course; a headache began, and I completely lost my appetite. It literally made me sick to my stomach.

This morning I thought about the relationships, the people I've lost. Really, though, I thought about all the messes I've made of them - or at least the messes they've become.

The night of the tornado, some of us joked around about losing things that were old or broken, saying things like, "Score - new car!" or "I was SO wanting to get a new computer; mine was old!" I have to admit, I have liked getting so many new things; you'd think I was lying if I said I didn't. We all had things that were a little worn out, things that needed replacing, a lot of junk we never used.

What if there was a tornado that could take away all my broken relationships, the friendships that have fallen apart, the ones that break my heart to see so far away from all I could want for them? I guess pondering upon this is equivalent to wishing for all my troubles to be taken away, but I am thinking in more metaphorical terms. What I would like to be taken away is the scars from them. The apprehension that an "over-involved" friendship will happen again; the fear of not being able to handle a friend's choices; the worry that I will not fight enough for someone I love; the thought that I am too much for anyone to deal with; the knowledge that I would give my life for you but can seldom pick up the phone just to talk. Because those are what holds me back. They are things I will have to be careful of, get over, and do something about.

Over and over again to myself I have listed the people I have lost. So when am I done listing? How many times do I have to remind myself that so much innocence is gone? I should have never started. We should always move on, move forward - all the while remembering that these things have made us who we are, but we had a choice as to which direction the effect took. We are not simply spectators in this life; we are the heart and soul of it, living for something more than ourselves, and wanting... wanting to feel that we ARE alive. We are breathing, touching, feeling, seeing, hearing, being. So many times we wait for something to make us feel that way, to live, but we need to realize that a lot of that desire is up to us to fulfill. We choose to live for something that is worth living for, or we choose to just live because what else is there to do? We choose to take tragedy and find reason for rejoicing, or we choose to take it and ruminate on everything that is lost. Life is a choice - and so is love. Love is manifested in so many ways, and it is incredible to see how differently people love one another. We all live different, so why should we not love different? And as all good things, love is not easy and most of the time must be worked for. Such trials make love and life so much more valuable.