Thursday, December 14, 2006

Coming Home

For the last two weeks - or more, really - I have been SO ready to come home. I've never been like that. It wasn't what you would call homesickness; it was being sick of where I was. Too much crap was going on, and I was ready to get away from it. However, today when I was getting ready to go, I felt reluctant to leave. What on earth?! How does that make sense?

I just get so dadgum emotionally connected to places and people. Especially people. It's another negative aspect of being an overly emotional being. For example, a few years ago I was betrayed by my best friend - whom I had been friends with since preschool. I did not deal well with having my trust in her destroyed. Who would? So for the longest time after I confronted her, we didn't really talk and definitely didn't hang out. However, during the summer, her mother asked to talk to me, and she told me that her daughter, my friend, needed me. She said things like, "You're a good influence on her," and "Y'all have been friends too long to just let it go." Or something like that. Anyway, I ended up going to see the girl. We eventually became okay (we still are), but we never again became that close. Of course, I didn't trust her enough to tell her a whole lot. And she's one of those people that holds everything in anyway.

Someone else who hurt me was obviously having a hard time, and I so badly wanted to ask her what was wrong. I knew that wouldn't fly. Or I didn't want to admit that I cared that much. But I do. And it's annoying.

As much resentment as I have felt towards so many people at school, I am STILL emotionally connected. And it will stay that way. Eventually it will get better, and I won't think about it so much; but it will still be there. I don't forget this kind of stuff. I wish I could. Things would be so much easier if I could. But things are never easy. We make them hard. I know I do, but so much of it is ingrained in me. I can't help it.

It doesn't help that I may still be working on the forgive part.

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