Changing

Change can be very scary. In spite of being scary, it can be very good. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that that change you were so afraid of was actually the best thing that could have happened. I haven't gotten to that stage yet.

The main problem is I don't know what changed. The most likely candidate is me, as always. It bugs me when I feel so different, and I don't know why. You'd think that as much as I don't know I would be used to not knowing stuff; however, that is most definitely not the case. I hate being lost. It happens all the time, but I don't feel any differently about it.

I can't figure it out. I know something happened, and I have an idea of what it could have been. I just don't think that's the solution. The hardest thing with all of this is just to let it go and let God take over. I want to understand...most of the time. Sometimes I'm a little scared about what I might find in myself if I dig so deep. It's a part of discovering myself; I know that. I just don't know if I want to discover everything. The human soul is dark. Only Jesus brings light. Apart from that, it's complete darkness. Some recesses are hard to accept, and we don't even want to touch them. Jesus, however, wants to expose every piece of our hearts in His light. That is hard to allow. Actually seeing what is so deep inside of you changes you. You can't help it.

Sometimes I get these revelations about myself. They're not always good, not always helpful, and most often painful. In the end, though, they're probably a good thing. I mean, it really helps to understand why you are the way you are. Occasionally it just adds another element of mystery to my personality. I really don't understand myself at all. Some day I would like to go to a psychologist just to see what he/she says. Can they label this kind of confusion?

Valentine's Day

Wow. So far this has been the best Valentine's Day ever, and I don't even have a boyfriend! Instead I have several amazing and beautiful (inside and out) friends to spend it with. It started out at three in the morning with a juvenile prank and a little sleep afterwards. I had two classes this morning, then went to shop some with Brittany. It was awesome just to see her for a little bit. I had karate class, and I came back and took a shower since I hadn't taken one yet today. Now I'm just waiting to hear from my sister, Lauren, and see if we'll be able to hang out for a while. Around five, I'll be headed out on a "date" with two or three of my soccer girls! I can't wait; it's going to be so much fun. Unfortunately, we will have to watch the time, because I have to be back for an intramural basketball game at seven. Then there's another game after that that I'm definitely going to stay for since it's my soccer team playing (I'm not playing with them because I ain't very good; I chose to play with the YoungLife team in the lower division). I have to catch up on some sleep tonight.

This day has just been wonderful, although very busy. I like being busy spurts at a time. I don't like too much free time. It's days like these that I thank God for the people around me. I need to every day, but sometimes it just really stands out how outrageously blessed I am.

It's overwhelming, in a VERY good way.

Disappointment

I'm disappointed. I am not quite sure how much it takes to disappoint me, but I do know that it has happened - again. The first big time it happened, my world felt torn apart. I felt so lost. I couldn't face the people that disappointed me for the longest time.

This time it wasn't as big. It really was kind of small, comparatively. When people closest to me do things I would never expect of them, I get disappointed. I don't know if that's intolerant or what. At first I was just mad. I got over that, but I knew something else was bothering me. It was then I realized that I am disappointed. It hurts. It hurts because I am repeating the same mistake I made a couple of years ago: I let the other person's mistake get in the way of our friendship. I am in serious danger of doing it again, and that scares me. It scares me because I don't know how I can stop it; I don't know that I can.

I don't know how much sense this is making. I can't sleep for thinking about it. The thought of losing someone this close to me because I can't handle their mistakes is killing me. Am I being ridiculous? Am I being their conscience? Am I obsessed with keeping a perfect picture of everyone I know until they do something that I can't ignore?

All this makes me think that if I get this....upset, depressed, disappointed with things my friends do: How does God feel? I mean, I feel like I'm about to explode. Earlier I was shaking and couldn't control myself. God loves every person in this world more than I could ever even think of, and how many times have we messed up? How many times have I alone messed up? What about all those people that are in jail, that have committed murder, that have cheated on their spouses, that have done a million things that I can't even imagine? Who am I to feel this way? Is it right? Is this some kind of God complex, or am I just being overly dramatic?

I do not know.

A Poem

My heart is heavy
What is this pain
That dives into my soul

A sadness so deep
It burdens my sleep
Leaves me feeling cold

Take it away
I cannot deal
But how do I let go

"Give it to Me
Take comfort you need
Because I love them so."

by DEW