Sunday, April 30, 2006


School is almost over for the spring. Summer is so close. Two weeks of classes and then finals are all that's left. I'm so glad. I'm ready to not have any homework and just get this semester over. When school is over, that will mean that some drama will be gone from my life for a short period of time. I know I can never completely escape it, but it's nice to have a break. Before I leave school there are a couple of things that can't be left undone. I'm not looking forward to it at all, because it's not going to be pleasant. I also have no idea how I'm going to handle it.

This week has been emotionally tiring. I'm not sure why; maybe it's because I've done a lot of thinking and analyzing this past week. This coming week may be just as bad, but I can't really tell yet. I've just felt kind of lost and confused about everything.

I'm tired. I'm tired of classes. I'm tired of dealing with certain things. I'm tired of struggling to do the right thing. I'm tired of not knowing what the heck I'm doing. Coach Hale always said, "You're running around like a chicken with its head cut off!" That's basically how I feel. Now I just have to find my head...

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A Quarter Mile!

Yesterday I went to the doctor's, and he told me that I could start jogging! So great. He asked me if we were still practicing soccer, and I told him that this was the last week. As a result, he said it would be okay if I did that, too. I can also finish karate class and not have to worry about doing it next semester. I just have to take it easy...not a real problem.

Last night I jogged a quarter mile; that's what Dr. Antwine suggested. I felt fine. My calves got a little tight, but I believe that's to be expected after not using them for over three weeks. I was glad that I was doing something.

Today I practiced soccer. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to do any of the running drills, and I definitely didn't need to scrimmage. We started out with some footwork stuff, none of which I could do. Then Brandon had two of the girls put us into two teams. I kind of stood away from the group, because I just assumed that they would scrimmage. Instead, Brandon pulled me into the group; I was thinking, "Um, I hope Brandon knows what he's doing. What are we doing?" We were finally put into teams, and he tells us that we're going to play capture the flag, except with a soccer ball. I was a little nervous; I didn't know how it was going to work. I just stayed on our defensive side and tried to defend our ball. I was doing great, until Cheslie just happened to hit my leg RIGHT on the lower inside incision on my right leg. Wow. It hurt. My eyes definitely watered at that. After that, though, I was okay. Then somebody else whacked the upper incision on the same side and leg. I had to walk off the field. It killed me. So, evidently the incisions are still a little tender. Ha. After capture the flag, they did scrimmage, so I was out.

At this point in my recovery, it's really weird. It seems strange to me that less than two weeks ago, I was still on crutches. Now, I'm running. On Friday, it will be four weeks since I've had surgery. It's just strange. On the other hand, I find it hard to believe that I won't be worried about my calves (specifically) for the rest of my life, much less in two weeks. In two weeks, I'm supposed to be completely cleared. That's just crazy. It's not that I don't think I'll ever be well; it's one of those things where when you're sick, you can't imagine what it's like to be not sick. You definitely think about it, but at the same time, You can't remember how it really feels to be healthy. Y'all know what I mean.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Just Different Things

Three full weeks of classes left! Woo-hoo! Haha. I can't wait for this semester to be over...well, the classes, anyway. Somebody from Huntingdon asked me last night if it was hard for me to believe that I was almost done with my first year of college; I said, "I haven't thought of it that way! I'm just ready to be finished with classes!!" It does seem surreal, now that I do think about it. I don't feel like it went by really fast or really just went by. Hm.

My legs are doing better; the swelling in my ankles is slowly going down, thankfully. I go back to the doctor's Monday, and I am supposed to start jogging at that point. At the beginning of this week I thought that there was no way that was going to happen, but it has gotten much better since then. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to handle it.

Monday night at YoungLife Club I did my first Talk. At Club we sing a couple of songs, play a game, sing two more songs, play a game, sing another two songs, then we have Talk. A different Leader does it every week, and this week was my first time. I wasn't nervous; I was really excited! The only time I got a little nervous was during the song right before I had to go up. A few butterflies emerged at that point, but nothing serious. I think it went well. You always tell a funny story (as we call it, Ho-Hum) before getting into the Bible part. I told some things about going into surgery and being on drugs...haha. They enjoyed it evidently, because they laughed quite a bit. After that, I told the story about the paralytic man that was dropped through the roof by his friends so that he could get to Jesus. I connected the two in different ways; one of them was by saying that after surgery I couldn't do a lot of normal things - I had to have help. This paralytic man couldn't do anything for himself. His friends had to help him and knew that Jesus could heal the man. I was afraid I talked way too long, but when I asked Missy (one of the leaders) about that, she said that it was perfect - not too long and not too short. Good. Haha. I really had a good feeling about it. Oh, yeah...the only thing I was worried about beforehand was the prayer at the end. I hate praying in public; I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because when it's just me and God, I talk to Him kind of like I would a friend. You can't necessarily do that when you pray out loud in front of people. Anyway, I don't think I'm good at it. However, I think I did a good job that time. I didn't hardly stutter, and I didn't pause for too long - sometimes I'll do that if I can't think of what I want to say or how to say it. I won't get to do Talk again for this semester, but I will have more opportunities in the fall when we come back. We have two more Clubs left for the semester. There will be camp this summer; I'm thinking about signing up to work. I think I'll be at the same camp, and you work for three or four weeks. There are four different times you can sign up; I'll just have to get more information.

So, that's probably enough. I wrote may more than I thought I would, but that usually happens for me. I should expect that by now...good grief.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Quick Update

Yesterday I got my stitches out, was allowed to drive, and got rid of the crutches!!! This may sound gross, but I finally got to take a shower today! I wasn't able to before because of the bandages. There are still these strips on the incisions, but they are basically waterproof. The nurse said that if they just peel off, it's not a problem. I feel like I'm free!!! I get to start jogging in two weeks...that's real exciting!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Eight Scars and a Funeral

Wednesday I went back to classes; I was so glad for that. Mom had to drive me back and forth, but it worked out pretty well. I'm getting back on campus tonight; I'm excited about that. My stitches come out Thursday. It was supposed to happen two weeks after surgery, but that would be Good Friday. They are out of the office on that day, so I am getting to go Thursday instead. One less day...I'm okay with that. I'm great with that. Friday my legs started feeling better, and I could actually see the bones in my ankles!! They've been swollen, so it is quite an ordeal. They've continued to improve since then, so I'm very happy.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to a text message from Mom. It said, "Im at ma jos." For those of you that might be confused (not many, I think, but anyway), Mom said that she was at Mama Jo's, my grandmother's. I texted back, "Ok." She called me, and the first thing she said was, "Aunt Janice is dead." I was in bed when this happened, and I shot straight up and said, "What?!" She said that Uncle Jimmy found her that morning, they didn't know exactly what killed her, and she was trying to find Mama Jo. I was just in shock; Aunt Janice was in bad health, but she wasn't that old. She was my great aunt. It was really surreal. The whole day was weird. The phone was ringing off the hook, several people stopped by, and I was just chilling on the couch watching everything.

Somehow the hours flew by; that doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's the way it was. Decisions about the funeral and visitation had to be made, and flowers had to be bought. In such a small community, the news spread like crazy. People kept calling to make sure it was true or to give their condolences. We had quite a lot of people in our house, at one point in particular. Today we have visitation, and the funeral is tomorrow. I'll have to be brought back from school to go. Right now I'm at home; I'm going with Dad and Kellen around five. Aunt Lavon will probably be the one to drive me to school tonight. Mom said she would pick me up tomorrow from school. Then I have to get back after the funeral to go to YoungLife Club. Crazy, crazy stuff.

Life for me is never "normal," but I feel like it's just really out of whack now. Not being able to walk (without help) kind of messes with your perception...haha. Yesterday just threw it into more chaos. I like chaos, in some strange way. Some types of chaos are way better than others, but every type happens at at least one point in everyone's lives. Life is chaos. This paragraph is chaos. Haha. Anyway, enough rambling. Seriously, though, enjoy chaos every once in a while. Especially when a lot of stuff is happening; it may not be all good, but it makes you appreciate life. I may be a rare case, but I think that sometimes when life is really busy for me is when I appreciate it the most. Maybe it's because when I have a lot of free time and time to think, I tend to get into self-pity and self-degredation stuff. I tend to have fun when a lot of stuff is going on, and I just jump from one thing to the next. I'm planning every minute in a way that will be most efficient. Now, I can't take being consumed with stuff for a very long time. I just enjoy having things to do, people to see, goals to accomplish. It feels so good when you know you're getting something done.

I don't know if any of that made a lot of sense, but you know what?

That's okay.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Slowly But Surely

I never really thought about recovery. Sure, I knew I wouldn't be able to do some stuff for a few days. I evidently just didn't realize how much I wouldn't be able to do and how long it would be before I could.

My feet were to stay off the ground until forty-eight hours after surgery. Sunday, around 3:00, I decided that I should finally use my crutches. I was so weak. My feet were pretty awkward - mainly my calves, of course. They didn't really hurt; it was more like they were being stretched quite far. I used my crutches once or twice more after the first time to use the bathroom. Obviously, Mom had to help me every time I went.

Yesterday morning, the first thing I wanted to do when I woke up was go to the bathroom. Well, I felt pretty weak, but I made it there okay. When I got to sitting down, however, I was really weak. I told Mom to get the rolling chair, because I was not about to walk back. She went and got it, and somehow I got myself into it. She started rolling me back into the living room and stopped for a second to ask if I want her to get something. I got mad because she stopped and said, "Mom, go, roll!" Haha - all I wanted to do was lay down RIGHT THEN. We got to the couch, and I layed down. I don't think I had my glasses on, but I couldn't open my eyes very well. Mom told me afterwards that my eyes were really dilated; I told her that I couldn't tell whether or not m vision was any worse than it usually is without glasses or contacts. I needed to take something, but I had to eat something in order to do that. I definitely didn't feel like eating anything. Mom ended up feeding me a popsicle, and I got a couple of Motrin down. After that episode, I was okay. I sat up for the rest of the day, because I figured that I needed to get used to staying up. All that laying down really messes with you.

Today I've felt perfectly fine. I haven't taken any pain medication since yesterday morning. Mom and I took a small trip to Union; I needed some papers and books for class tomorrow. I am dead set on going to class tomorrow. Since I can't drive until some time after next Friday, Mom will be transporting me to school. There's a possibility that I will be able to get back in the dorms next week, but we'll just have to see.

Yesterday after my bad episode, I told Mom, "Yeah, I'm not going back to school tomorrow." She said, "I told you there was no way that was going to happen." I didn't think it was going to be this bad. Not that it is easy; I just never looked beyond being "fixed" and playing soccer again. Being out for three to six, that's not too bad. Ha - maybe I thought I would just be walking around perfectly fine until then. That's the idealist part of me coming out...

Despite the junk, I don't regret this. You have to get through junk to get to the good stuff. I don't have to keep telling myself that this is worth it. Now I do look beyond the crutches, the bandages, and the inability to do simple stuff. I see me training in the summer, looking forward to the season. I see me at soccer practice, keeping up with everybody (ahead of some). I see me playing in a game for as long as Coach needs me out there, not hindered by pain. And, most of all, I see me doing it all for God, because I know what it is to not be able to do it at all.

Saturday, April 01, 2006


Surgery is over. They started around eleven, and it took about two and a half hours. Evidently they gave me morphine, because for a long time afterwards whenever I opened my eyes I could not focus at all. Mom said I slept for almost three hours. We had to wait for the physical therapist so that I could be fitted for crutches. I ate an apple out of the lunch that they gave me; the rest was way too dry. My mouth was extremely dry (and is now), and I couldn't really chew or swallow anything like the rest of the stuff: ham sandwich, potato chips, and graham crackers. When the physical therapist showed up, she showed me how to use the crutches. I couldn't be released until I went to the bathroom on the crutches. I had to sit up first, and when I put my legs off the edge of the bed, blood rushed through my legs and hurt quite a bit. When I tried to stand up, I got so nauseated that I almost threw up...thankfully, I didn't. However, I did sit back down on the bed and rested for a while until I felt well enought to try again. The second time I did get up and got all the way to the bathroom. It hurt so much; it's real hard to use crutches when both legs are injured.

Last night when I came home, I was stationed on the couch. I have been there all day today, except for trips to the bathroom in a little white rolling chair. Haha. My legs don't hurt as much as they did yesterday, but they have still been hurting. I haven't gotten sick, which is really good. I watched the whole first season of "Grey's Anatomy, " which my aunt brought yesterday to surgery. I had a whole crew with me yesterday; it was pretty crazy. There were a ton of people that I was going to call once I got out, but we were in the lower level of the hospital and there was no service whatsoever. Anyway, tomorrow I'll be taking off the ace bandages; there is another layer of bandages that will stay until I go back to see Dr. Antwine in two weeks. I'll have to use the crutches until then, as well.

I'm doing okay so far, and I think I'll be better tomorrow. I should, anyway. I want to be back at school by Tuesday night. Thank you for all your prayers; I needed (and need) every one of them. I love y'all!