Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Trying, Crying, and Letting Go

So, if you know me at all, you know I'm stubborn to a fault. Well, it is a fault, I guess. Unless it applies to standing strong in what I believe in. Aaaanyway...when something is wrong, I try to fix it. And I'm so hard-headed that I will not let it go. I have to do something. I have to make it better. I try with everything I have to fix things that I have no chance of fixing. Still, I try. And I hold on.

I also cry. A lot. It's a condition I've had since I became emotionally aware...of my emotions. Haha...ha. Lol. Moving on...I am so emotional. And I don't like it. I hate it when I get to talking about something that is dear to me or makes me angry or sad, and I start to break down or do break down - especially in front of a group of people. It is SO much fun, let me tell you! I wish I could keep my cool better. I wish I could talk rationally (and clearly) about things that really matter to me, but most of the time it's impossible. It frustrates me, and I wish I could do something about it. But I can't.

When I try so hard to fix something that can't be fixed, I eventually end up crying. Of course, I cry along the way, too. I have been so low that I don't know how I'm going to ever get up again. I didn't know if I wanted to. When you hit rock bottom, there's only one place to go: Up. But how do you start? How do you find that first foothold? I knew there was a foothold, and I knew how to find it. However, I wanted to try and find it myself. For someone who tries to downplay her abilities and doesn't trust herself, I must be insane to not learn from my mistakes. I am insane, but that's beside the point. ;) I am so stubborn that I continue to use the same old methods of fixing things that have never worked to fix a problem that I know how to fix...but not by doing it myself. The problem was not knowing how to fix it; the problem was when I was willing to let it go. I can't tell God that I'm letting it go if I'm still holding on and analyzing and trying to solve. I'm just saying the words...and that means nothing. There's nothing behind it. It wasn't like I had some revelation or something somebody said triggered anything; I just had simply had enough. Enough of trying. Enough of failing. Enough of feeling this anger, bitterness, and sadness that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at once.

I'm still not sure what's going on with me, and there are numerous things still flying through my brain that I can't figure out. There's a lot of things I don't know, and maybe I'll never find some out. Right now, at this moment...that's okay. I'm okay. And that's all you need to know.

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