Friday, June 27, 2008

All About a Haircut

I feel this need to blog, but I can't think of anything I really want to write about. I can think of a few spiritual things I could go into, but I don't have the energy - and it does take a lot of energy to do them any justice. Therefore, I believe I will talk about hair. :D

I got my hair cut yesterday into a style that is very different for me. I'm getting used to it, which basically means I wasn't sure I liked it at first. It mainly just threw me off. It still needs color, which it will get. Some time. I wanted to chop it off, but Mom pretty much threw a few hissy fits (exaggerating) and was very opposed. Plus a friend told me not to. Fine, fine... I'll tone it down. Somewhat.

Mom was worried that something big was going on that was upsetting me. That was a legitimate fear, although I promise such is not the case this time. The last time I did something drastic to my hair, it was after a emotionally difficult junior year of high school. My best friend and I had fallen out, and it was hard to deal with. Then like two years ago, I wanted to chop it off again. The year previous to that desire was more devastating than junior year by far.

It was always after I lost a good friend. It had to have been a subconscious desire to change who I was, because apparently who I was was not enough to keep people around and loyal. It's this constant feeling that I am not enough. I know - it's ridiculous. But it's also true. None of us are "enough" - because only God is.

For a while now, Satan has figured out that one of the best ways to break me down is to attack my faith in people. I know there is the verse in Psalms that says, "It is better to trust in God than to trust in men." However, there is a part of my heart that belongs to everyone I know. I want so badly to trust people, to believe in them; having that part of me betrayed burns my very soul. Satan knows that. And it's so easy to attack, because people are human and they screw up. What do I do with that? Should I just harden my heart and not let people in, eliminating the chance of being hurt? I tried that, and it was not for me.

Is it bad to have faith in people? Does it make me choose between God and everyone around me? If it does require a decision, why would I not go for the One who will never let me down, who knows my every weakness, loves every part of me, and is greater than I can ever begin to imagine?

Maybe that's my problem. My soul is eternally split between the God who saved it and the people who accidentally (and maybe sometimes purposefully) break it down. I've always had trouble with balance, and here is the ultimate dilemma: Trying to live for my God while willing to die for both God and people.

But that reminds me of the quote I put in my senior yearbook. I don't remember the exact wording, but the message is basically this: Anyone can die for something they believe in; it is something more to live for it.

I guess I found the energy.

Saturday, June 14, 2008


Kala and Trevor just got married tonight!!! I was privileged enough to be a bridesmaid in their wedding. It was so much fun and so beautiful. Thankfully, I was able to keep my composure pretty well and did not break down at any point. Had a few close calls, but no less was to be expected. Pray for them as they begin their life together. I can't really imagine a more suited couple.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Summer Randomness

So far summer has been quite uneventful. Well, with the exception of my brother's graduation. And working at Dick's in a new section that I know next to nothing about. Say hello to your Outdoor Specialist! Haha. I feel pretty clueless in there; it can be a little frustrating, but I like doing something besides working a register. Hopefully I will begin working in apparel fairly soon. I so need the money.

Btw...BOO my roommate being gone! :(

Working in retail made me decide the other day that my kids will be whooped if they don't put stuff back where they got it from in stores. People kill me at work. They pick up something and drop it like twenty feet away. They let their kids run around like hooligans (yes, I said it) and do whatever they feel like until they hear something crash - THEN they try to corral them. Being away from the register, customers are still infuriating. Haha. Whatever. Besides getting angry with people, I think this may be my favorite job so far. Although, being a lifeguard wasn't too bad. It could be boring; it was so easy. Where I worked it was easy, anyway. The kids could be real punks, though. To me, none of these jobs seem like "real" jobs. I know they are, but they're not something I would do for the rest of my life. I know people do; well, in retail and in factories they do. Not so much the lifeguarding. But it's weird to think that in a relatively short period of time, I will be thrown into the "real world" and have to actually make money to live off of. Ugh - scary. I will have grad school for at least two more years, so I guess I'm putting it off for a little bit longer.

Right now one of the unimaginable happenings that is closest is the end of my college soccer career. I think next spring semester is going to be SO weird, because I won't have soccer. I just can't imagine it. I want to go on a tangent about being on the team... But I won't. For now. Maybe later, if I feel like blogging again some time soon. Anyway...

This summer is my last chance to become the best athlete I can be. However, when it comes to the season, I just want to play. I don't care if it's varsity or JV. I just want to play.