I feel this need to blog, but I can't think of anything I really want to write about. I can think of a few spiritual things I could go into, but I don't have the energy - and it does take a lot of energy to do them any justice. Therefore, I believe I will talk about hair. :D
I got my hair cut yesterday into a style that is very different for me. I'm getting used to it, which basically means I wasn't sure I liked it at first. It mainly just threw me off. It still needs color, which it will get. Some time. I wanted to chop it off, but Mom pretty much threw a few hissy fits (exaggerating) and was very opposed. Plus a friend told me not to. Fine, fine... I'll tone it down. Somewhat.
Mom was worried that something big was going on that was upsetting me. That was a legitimate fear, although I promise such is not the case this time. The last time I did something drastic to my hair, it was after a emotionally difficult junior year of high school. My best friend and I had fallen out, and it was hard to deal with. Then like two years ago, I wanted to chop it off again. The year previous to that desire was more devastating than junior year by far.
It was always after I lost a good friend. It had to have been a subconscious desire to change who I was, because apparently who I was was not enough to keep people around and loyal. It's this constant feeling that I am not enough. I know - it's ridiculous. But it's also true. None of us are "enough" - because only God is.
For a while now, Satan has figured out that one of the best ways to break me down is to attack my faith in people. I know there is the verse in Psalms that says, "It is better to trust in God than to trust in men." However, there is a part of my heart that belongs to everyone I know. I want so badly to trust people, to believe in them; having that part of me betrayed burns my very soul. Satan knows that. And it's so easy to attack, because people are human and they screw up. What do I do with that? Should I just harden my heart and not let people in, eliminating the chance of being hurt? I tried that, and it was not for me.
Is it bad to have faith in people? Does it make me choose between God and everyone around me? If it does require a decision, why would I not go for the One who will never let me down, who knows my every weakness, loves every part of me, and is greater than I can ever begin to imagine?
Maybe that's my problem. My soul is eternally split between the God who saved it and the people who accidentally (and maybe sometimes purposefully) break it down. I've always had trouble with balance, and here is the ultimate dilemma: Trying to live for my God while willing to die for both God and people.
But that reminds me of the quote I put in my senior yearbook. I don't remember the exact wording, but the message is basically this: Anyone can die for something they believe in; it is something more to live for it.
I guess I found the energy.