Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Serious Randomness

My winning percentage in Solitaire sucks. Seriously. I win maybe once every seven games or so. I wish I could blame the computer; maybe I can. I don't know how much of winning in Solitaire is dependent upon my skill. Probably most of it, and I'm just trying to delude myself into feeling better about my constant losing streak.

I loathe dial-up internet. And this computer is pathetically old and therefore slow.

I'm real excited about leaving for Oregon. I'm ready for a break, ready to have an awesome time snowboarding and just hanging out with nothing else to do. That's a great feeling, you know? Spending time with friends with unlimited availability - for a short time, at least. The more I think about it, the more six days sounds like not enough time. However, I know it's a good while, and it will be amazing.

I hate feeling corny. But I think corny stuff ALL THE TIME. And say it almost as frequently as I think it. Well, maybe not. I blame my extensive reading and movie watching. And major romantic tendencies. I laugh at myself all the time for being melodramatic and cheesy. I let it go more in my poetry. That's a place where at some point it's almost necessary to cross the line of normal conversation and convention. There's a freedom in that. I also let myself get a little cheesy in my blogs, but there is a boundary I kind of set up.

I'm still working on boundaries. Like my own. The other night I was writing in a journal, and I had a kind of picture in my head of these walls I had put up around my heart. And I thought that maybe I somehow locked myself out. I got so busy trying to protect myself, be who I thought I needed to be, that I totally got turned around and walked out on myself. But...maybe God is still there. Maybe He has to let me back in. That's sort of strange to think: The roles are reversed. Instead of God knocking on my heart to let Him in, I'm knocking on my OWN heart - waiting to understand who I am. At one point I thought I had a handle on it. I did. But it got lost in being thrown away, being tossed aside. I questioned so much of myself that I seemed to have wound up with seeing nothing at all, nothing worth saving.

I feel like I need to go away, go somewhere new. I like the idea of starting fresh. I always have. Because I know how hard it is to see people with all these ideas of you, and to think that you have to live up to whatever picture they have in their heads - good or bad, true or not. You can't be all those people. There is "I have become all things to all men, that I might win the more." Although that comes with an amount of sacrifice, it does not mean completely changing who you are according to the people you're around. To me it means exposing certain parts of yourself that will draw those certain people to you. It means possibly exaggerating portions of your personality to show how alike you are to someone you are trying to reach.

I yearn to meet someone I don't worry about this with. I'm not saying that everyone I know turns me into someone different; believe me, I only blame my own weakness of spirit and confidence. If you really know me, you know how hard it is for me to NOT think about this stuff. I wish you all knew me, honestly. Maybe you do. I don't know. I wish I knew everyone. I wish I had a memory fine tuned enough to remember every little thing I ever heard about anyone I know. Because then you would know that I do care about you and want to know you more. I wish I was a good enough person to be like that, to really show what I feel.

But what I feel isn't always what I show. And what I show isn't what I want you to see, usually. I can't control what I show, and I don't control what I don't show. I don't discipline my heart like I should. I don't show the loyalty to people that I feel. You call me in trouble, and I will do whatever I can to help you...but how many times do I pick up my phone to see how you're doing? I just want to let you know that, for the most part, it's fear. I love you, but I'm afraid you don't love me the same way. Please don't feel sorry for me or anything or feel obligated to do something about it. Just read this and try to understand that while my greatest desire is save your life, I am the one who needs saving.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous11:58 PM

    maybe you analyze yourself too much, we all have faults and its good for us to realize that but you don't need to dwell on them.
    love you