Being Broken

In order for God to truly use someone for His purposes, they have to be broken. I'm pretty sure it's because our humanity wouldn't allow it otherwise. We like to be in control, to be the one in the driver's seat, the one who calls the shots.

I like to know the plan. What's next, what I have to do in order to make everything work. But so often - well, basically constantly - I don't know anything at all. Life's too confusing. It also practically never follows any plan I would like for my life. Things I want so badly take too long to come along. People I want to stay forever leave. People I want to believe in let me down. The person I want to be seems to have been lost somewhere along the way. All the things I want to fix are beyond any repair I can offer.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you can physically feel a weight upon your shoulders? The thing is, it's never just on your shoulders. It sits on every part of your body and isolates on your heart, hindering your breathing and making you tired. It holds you down and makes it impossible for you to feel as though you're actually getting somewhere.

Then there are those moments when you feel unstoppable. You're floating on a cloud, and everything just feels right. Nothing bad can touch you at that moment; it reflects off the invisible shield that surrounds you and leaves you feeling breathless with joy.

The highs are nothing without the lows. You have to have something to compare the highs to in order to truly appreciate what it means to be on the peak instead of in the valley. We all break under the low points. We have to. God is trying to mold us into people who live for Him. To do that, He starts with the broken pieces of who we are now. You don't attempt to change something that's already been created. However, if something breaks, you put it back together. The thing is, we are flawed from the beginning. It's like a crappy piece of pottery you find at a yard sale. You decide to buy it, because you see it for what it can become, not for what it is now. You break it in order to mold it to a new purpose, making it a cup or a bowl.

Even when we are broken, we cannot help but try to fix ourselves! I always try to find what I did wrong this time, how did I get here - and what do I do to get out. We can't even see the full picture; we pick up piece by piece and try to remember where it used to go, not admitting that it wasn't right in the first place! As I continue to be broken, I have to remind myself that it is not me who should be picking up the pieces. It's God. He knows what's best. He knows me better than I do, because He made me. He made me the way I am for a reason, but I get so focused on what I think should happen in this world that I often forget who put me here to begin with and who I should be living for. He's brought me through so much, and the minute He puts me back together, I manage to mess it up all over again. But you know...He never stops. He never gets fed up or wonders why He even bothers. Impatience is not in His nature - but grace is. Mercy is. LOVE is.

I am here because God put me here. I was kept here because God kept me here. And I will go wherever He wants me to go, because I know He will never leave my side and never give up on me no matter how much I screw things up, how many times I turn my back on Him, how many times I yell at Him and ask Him why, or how impatient I get with Him. He is my God, and He will never be anything less than loving and always more than I could ever deserve.

Random Ramblings

I made the junior varsity team! Not unexpected after my knee has kept me from practicing since last Wednesday. Apparently my body just cannot handle pre-season stress. Something ALWAYS goes wrong. I wanted to make varsity, but I knew JV was inevitable with my lack of playing.

As for my knee, I finally went to the doctor yesterday to find out what was going on. I had an appointment at Bone and Joint for Wednesday, but I couldn't handle it anymore. As a result, I went back home to our family doctor, where I was told it was tendonitis and possibly bursitis. Basically overuse. As always. Stupid knees... Anyway, I was beyond relieved to have a diagnosis and, more importantly, a treatment. Cortisone shot and prednisone prescription, and I am good to go! It's gotten better just since yesterday, which rocks!! I could actually jog a little today, which is a major improvement from the day before. This is one of those times impatience paid off. Haha. Not that I am condoning impatience; nevertheless, I would have been a grouch until Wednesday had I had to wait. Furthermore, I gained two days by going two days earlier. I could be practicing by Thursday! :D

I bought my tickets for Ireland today!!! Oh, it's going to be amazing. I am so stoked. Buying the tickets just made it gloriously real. Now I cannot wait for January...

I'm kind of ready for classes to start. I'll have all psych classes - with the exception of one sociology class - which means I'll actually like what I'm taking. Although Applied Research is going to be difficult and possibly mind-twisting, I think it will be somewhat interesting in the least. I gotta get to looking at books online; saving money pretty much rocks.

My room is a wreck because I've been practically going full-tilt for about three weeks now. I need hangers, because I have more clothes than hangers which might become an issue. Is an issue, actually.

Jen and I are continuing our Harry Potter movie spree tonight, which has been on hiatus since, well, about three weeks ago. We are finally both here and not busy at the same time - what are the chances?

I want to buy DVDs. It's a major weakness. But I'm broke. As always since this summer. And boo this past summer, by the way, because I made NO money and basically lost money. I would almost say it wasn't worth it...well, it seems that it really wasn't. But hey, it's over, and there's nothing to be done about it now. I actually have this desire to go back to work, but it's just because I want money and not me being realistic. I would possibly have some time to get hours in, but I don't want to become the stressed out wreck I was at the end of last semester when I worked every day I wasn't playing soccer. Ain't happening.

We have a JV game in a week, and I'm hoping I'll be fit to play. I'm thinking that if I can't play full-out in the field, I may ask if I need to play keeper, since we don't technically have one. :( Another issue we have to work out before next week - who's going to play keeper? Might be a problem...

So I wrote way more than I expected, but that pretty much always happens. Nothing unusual for me!

The Final Preseason

Oh, it's so weird. The last time I'll have to absolutely run my butt off and think I'm gonna die for it. The last time I'll get so close so fast to a large group of people. The last time I'll hear the "glass house" speech. The last time I'll wait for a list to tell me varsity or JV. It's just a lot of lasts.

I'm not nervous at all. Not that I expected to be, really; it's just like at this point either I'm ready or I'm not - and I'm okay either way. I want to work hard and do my best, no matter what that means compared to everyone else.

I've always looked forward to preseason. Maybe I'm a masochist and just love being half-dead for a whole month. Or maybe I love the getting to know new people, seeing everyone come together as a team, having the campus to ourselves, our whole lives being about the soccer team for those four weeks, the smell of the grass at six a.m., the smell of the turf room in the middle of the day, the smell of the pool in the afternoon.

There's also that pretty sweet bonus of getting to spend a lot of time with some of the girls I love the most. ;)

Just Gotta Say...

That never in my life have I been more frustrated at a class. I swear, I look at one problem on a Calculus II quiz, and my brain interprets it as a foreign language I could never deign to understand. Check that - there isn't even any interpretation involved, because that would mean I actually comprehended even just one iota of it - which I don't! I regret that I ever changed my major to engineering for that one blasted brain fart of a semester when I thought I might want to be an architect and being an engineering major at Union was the best path for me to attain that goal. I also regret being a complete IDIOT and not learning Calculus in the first place when I took Calc I online last summer, therefore screwing me over when I took Calc II fall semester at Union - where I failed miserably. I prayed to God that He would allow me to just make the minimum grade I need in order to make a C in this class and have that F erased from my transcript, but I won't be mad at anyone but myself if it doesn't happen. Why? Because I have no one else to blame. Because I decided innumerable times that my time would be better spent watching movies, reading novels, hanging out with people, etc. than studying for Calculus.

sigh

So for now I'm ranting at myself on my own blog, hoping it might make me feel minutely better about my final tomorrow and the distinct possibility of failing Calculus II AGAIN and wasting my parents' money on - well, a wasted effort to make my transcript look better. I'm sorry for that, by the way. It will also be a waste of ten weeks of stress, pure frustration, and ridiculous tears on my part.

Nevertheless, there are twenty questions standing between me and making a C. I pray that God does whatever He wants with me, and I live and learn from the whole thing.

Good Times

I don't believe I've written in a while, and I have to admit it's mostly because everything is flipping amazing. It's funny how misery drives my writing a lot - also kinda sad. It's when I don't have something to complain about that I'm speechless. Great, huh?

That's not fully true, though. When I'm happy, I often want to shout it out, tell everyone about it. However, for some reason, I usually don't. I guess I don't want to rub it in or something. But you know what?

I am freaking happy.

I had almost given up on that when it found me. God likes to work like that. It's worth it to be patient, although I have to admit that I have been everything but patient. Nevertheless, God is merciful and gave me grace. I wholeheartedly thank Him for that. He knows I don't deserve it, and He gives it anyway.

Pre-season starts in a week, and I'm strangely excited about it. Next Thursday I will be DONE with Calculus II, which I pray I get a C in. Also next Thursday I am going to see PARAMORE in Memphis with an AWESOME guy. Then on Friday we're celebrating my cousin's birthday in Nashville; that'll be incredible. So...pretty much life is great. :) Especially in the next week.

Yeah...that's about it. :D