Romans 5:3-5

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

What does that mean to me? Now - at this moment - it hurts me. Last year, it gave me a boost to think that the suffering I was going through with compartment syndrome would be transformed into perseverance, then character, then hope. And at the beginning of this semester, I thought it had. And maybe it did; maybe I'm not as characterally weak as I was last year.

I tried to tell myself I didn't care. Screw varsity. Play for me.

I don't work that way. God doesn't work that way.

Once upon a time, I had plans to play with the U. S. Women's National Team. Some time in high school, I decided that I was nowhere close to being talented or dedicated enough to do that. But I thought that I could at least play in college. That's what my goal was throughout high school. I had no idea where I wanted to go, but I knew that I wanted to play. My first dream school was University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. I decided that I was not on that level either. It was then that I decided I would settle for whatever school took me. It was God that sent me to Union, I am positive of that. I KNOW that.

This past spring when I knew I would either have to quit playing soccer or have surgery, I prayed that God would tell me what to do. I knew I wanted to play soccer, but I wasn't sure that's what He wanted. My "dew on the blanket" was a stuffed soccer ball pillow. Normally I don't sleep holding onto any kind of stuffed animal or anything, but I prayed that I would hold on to that soccer ball one night: If I woke up and it was still on the bed, I would have surgery and keep playing. If I woke up and the ball had fallen to the floor, I would take that as a sign that I was meant to quit soccer.

I woke up several times that night. I guess I was so nervous about that stupid soccer ball falling to the floor; I didn't want it to happen. In the morning, it was still on the bed. I had surgery.

I guess my mistake this semester was thinking that I had a chance. And I keep thinking it. Maybe I just need to forget about it, and wait until next year. But I can't. I know I can't. But now I'm confused. Is this God telling me that I should have quit soccer and just given up? Or is it Satan testing me, watching me fall?

I'm losing hope. I feel like my character is weak. I have no perseverance. Yet I suffer.

Two Wins, One Program

Yesterday kicked off (ha) the second season of the Union University Lady Bulldog Soccer Program! Our reserve game was first against Ittawamba Community College (Mississippi); we won three to zero. The varsity team then dominated Bryan College 5-0. Varsity showed out. We're going to be good this year, and Lambuth was at the varsity game to see the magic. Haha...I just enjoyed seeing our rivals witnessing the game. Both teams are off to a good start; we just have to keep it up!

Reserve Team Optimism

As of Friday night, I am a member of the Union University Women's Soccer reserve team. I wasn't surprised, because I knew my knee had hurt my chances. It doesn't really bother me, but my reaction time is off because I don't trust it yet. Another reason Coach B gave me was that my positioning was off in my position. He put me at defensive back (which is glorious), but all last year he put me at outside midfielder. Therefore, I am used to that position. Despite those things (and some conditioning), Coach said I should be able to move up in a week or two. Our assistant coach, Isaac, told me that I could tackle better than most of the girls on the team; you can imagine how good that made me feel. He said we could work on it even more, because there were a few times where I could have tackled but didn't. I'm excited about that. A few of the girls were waiting outside as I was talking to Coach; they said that they had expected a flood from me if I made reserve. I'm not surprised that they expected that. However, I was mentally prepared for it and knew I could work my way up to varsity. I'm going to work my butt off.

New Preseason, New People, Old Tiredness

Last Wednesday the Union women's soccer team moved in to begin preseason. We had one of our fitness tests that night (which I failed miserably), then left Thursday for Camp Linden. The team trip was awesome; we have twenty-two new girls, thirty-six in all. I was glad I was a returning player, because I at least knew all the old girls. It took me a little bit to get all the names of the new ones. I'm still unsure about a couple of them. Anyway, most of the girls are really cool; I laughed so hard during the trip that my throat got hoarse! Haha. It was a blast. We did another ropes course (we did one last year), and that went well.

Saturday we had our first official practice. We will eventually be put into varsity and junior varsity teams, but for this week, we are just one big team. Saturday Coach split us up into four teams, and we scrimmaged. Each team played three games, so everybody got to play everybody. It went great; it was the perfect way to see each girl play. We have a lot of good girls, and I think we're going to have a good year. At this point I'm not real sure I'll make the varsity team, especially considering the fact that I now have a screwed up right knee. It started bugging me about a week and a half ago, but I thought it was something I had dealt with before and didn't think much about it. However, Saturday while I was running the mile and a half fitness test, it started hurting pretty significantly. Then it hurt in practice as well, but not that bad. Yesterday, it was killing me. I finally asked Joel - one of the trainers - to check it out, and he told me it was conjulation (spelling?). I think it's the knee cap or the cushioning under it getting rough and causing me a lot of pain. Joel also said something about calcium build-up, so I'm not real sure what's going on. The thing that really stuck in my mind and bothers me now is that he said, "It's one of those nagging things that take a while." I said, "Oh, that's great. Another one." My calves are doing good; they get tight, but nothing like they were. If my flipping knee wasn't messing with me, I could be doing great. However, it can't seem to be that easy.

There's one of the girls on the team that has really bad shin splints; they've bothered her for I don't know how long. I think it's been more than a year. Anyway, she has been told that there's really nothing they can do about it but just deal with it. And you know what? She does. I mean, if it gets too bad, she just drops out, but she gets back in as quickly as possible. I don't know if I could "deal with it." I'm going to have to deal with my calves, but it's not just intolerable. I don't know. I can't help but feel like I have a low tolerance for pain. Anyway...

Preseason days are so long. One day tends to feel like two or three at a time. We're busy, then we have a little downtime, then busy again, downtime, and so on. It's just crazy. It really messes with your internal clock. Haha. I still like it, though. I definitely don't like the running, but I still like preseason. There's just something about it. Although yesterday I thought it would be nice if my other friends from school were on campus. It's neat to have it to ourselves, but I just had the sudden desire to see somebody I knew walking down the sidewalk who is not on the team. This year is going to be fun.

One Week

Exactly one week until we move in for preseason!!! I'm excited. I'm excited to get into playing soccer, meeting all the new girls (and there are a lot), and going on our team trip. I am ready! Well, maybe not for the fitness tests, but I know it's not for trying the last week or so. I've been alternating running three miles and running the ten sprints and jogging back. I guess I'll just have to see if it worked when we do it. We're actually doing the sprint test the day we move in at around eight. Then I think we are running our mile and a half Saturday evening we get back from our trip. I kind of like the idea, because we can get it done with. It's also a little harder if you have a couple of days where you don't run, then you have to go and do both your fitness tests in the same day; that's what we did last year. Moved in on Thursday, left Friday for our trip, got back Sunday, did our mile and a half Monday morning, practiced Monday evening, then ran our sprints like in the middle of practice. Now that I think about it, not really a great plan. Anyway, we're doing it completely different this year, and I'm not complaining.

I was pretty ticked at the possibility of being in Breakfast Club, but now I'm okay with it. I may not be so much when I actually have to do the running, though. Haha. Who wouldn't? However, I mainly see it as an opportunity to get in great shape for the season. I just pray it won't last past the first week; of course, that depends on how Brandon thinks we do, how hard he thinks we are working (running). Last year I was so ticked when I didn't make my mile and a half because I made it in the summer. This year, I knew I had ground to make up, and I have tried and am trying to make it up. If I don't make it, I'll know I tried. The last two weeks, anyway. Regardless, I believe I'll take it better this time. I guess we'll just have to see...