Friday, February 16, 2007


I get so tired. So tired of fighting. So tired of crying. So tired of trying to do what's right. So tired of going from day to day feeling like I'm lost and completely clueless. So tired of feeling lonely. So tired of people and dealing with them. So tired of dealing with myself and my mistakes. I get worn down and fed up. And sometimes it makes me want to quit.

When you have homework that you're still working on until past midnight and you are still having trouble getting it, you keep going. You try to finish a paper that's due the next day until three in the morning, and you trudge through it. Why? Because you know that after your homework is finished and after you turn in your paper, you get to rest. Your work is done. It may not have been your best work, but you did it.

That's what I need to remind myself sometimes. I have work to do. I have things I need to accomplish. And although I screw up and make many mistakes, it has to be done. I have to finish what was started. No matter how tired I get, I have to keep pushing through doing the best I can, because, in the end, I get to rest.

Of course, I have to make a decision as to whether or not I do get to rest. Going to hell does not offer rest; it offers the exact opposite. Only God offers us rest - true rest.

Now, you and I both know that there is so much more to all of this, but I'm trying to put it simply here. We don't deserve rest. We don't deserve anything. We don't deserve it, but, personally, I want to do whatever I can to try to be at least a little worthy. Not that I think it's possible, but is it not the least I can do? I do believe that trying to be godly and do what is right is part of the deal. It's part of our end of the bargain. Obviously, God has to seriously lower the standards for us to even be considered. However, He wants us to rest. He wants us to be happy. He wants to offer us His rest, eternal rest.

So if I have to fight my way through every day, I'm going to do it. If I have to cry from pain and sadness, I will do it. If I have to try my best and still fail constantly, that's what I have to do. I fall short. I mess up. I walk away from God. I ask selfish things of Him. I think of myself first.

But, sometimes....

Sometimes I reach out to others. Sometimes I help people. Sometimes I walk back to God. Sometimes I don't ask anything of Him. Sometimes I think of others before myself. Sometimes I do something right.

And those are times worth living for. I know I can never rectify any of the damage I've ever done, but for just a moment I think of God smiling. I see someone picked up. I see someone that I've helped. I see my effort DO something. Seeing that...seeing that makes me forget - for just a moment - that I am a failure.

One day, I will rest. One day, my work will be done. One day, I will be free from every scar, every pain, every tear, every mistake, every burden.

I will work for that day.

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