Monday, May 28, 2007

Trust, Friends, and a Spastic Intro

I've almost got a job for the summer, working at a sports clothing factory in McLemoresville. I'll probably start after we get back from vacation. Speaking of vacation, that should be pretty cool. We're going to Lake Tahoe; I don't know what all we'll do. I want to do things like rent jet skis, waterski, and such. Whatever we do, it'll be fun. On to more serious matters... ;)

I think sometimes I believe I'm the only one who cares. I mean, in friendships - sometimes it seems one-sided. I'm discovering more and more that's not the case. It is just another stupid belief I tend to have. It probably has something to do with this sort of fear I have: I don't want to impose on people; if they don't want me around, I don't want to make them be around me. I want to be with those who want to be with me. In a way, it basically gets down to having people like me. Or, rather, a fear of people not liking me. I guess. Haha. Anyway, it's possible that I have begun assuming that people don't want me around, that I'm a burden. Even though I know that's not completely true, I'm sure there are some people that don't really care to be around me. Not a lot, anyway.

So, back to supposedly being the only one who cares, I just am never sure how much people truly like me. I don't know how much people enjoy me being around. I promise I'm not fishing for compliments here; I'm just telling you how I think it goes in my head. It probably also goes deeper, into me not trusting people. I don't trust people like I used to.

For spring break this year, I went to a friend's house in Indiana with another friend (all from the soccer team), and we were just hanging out one night. We pulled out the cards from a game I have, Would You Rather. Not a bad game, but it's actually more fun to just read the questions and discuss them. So, that's what we were doing. The question comes up: "Would you rather trust everyone or trust no one?"

I couldn't really decide. When you trust everyone, you open yourself up to a world of hurt. People disappoint you by breaking your trust; a lot of people find out a lot of things about you that aren't necessarily things you need to share with everyone. Trusting people means letting them in, and letting them in makes it easier for them to hurt you - whether they mean to or not. Those you trust are, well, trusted to hold parts of your life, your heart (wrote a blog about that a while back, by the way). And those are fragile. So, trusting everyone is not really the smartest thing to do. Nor the safest.

But trusting no one? It's hard. And it may actually hurt more than being hurt by being betrayed through your trust in someone else. It's separating yourself from everyone and not allowing anyone to help you get through life, and life is tough to get through. I tried trusting no one, and where did that get me? Miserable, weak, self-loathing - rock bottom. John Donne once wrote, "No man is an island unto himself." How true that is. We are all affected by one another, and thinking we can get away with shutting ourselves off from everyone is ludicrous. Furthermore, thinking that trying to go it alone is better than leaning on everyone else is plain insanity. It can cause you to lose your mind - or almost.

So what then? What are you supposed to do? I assume there's some kind of balance; a middle ground that, while not perfect, allows you to exist halfway comfortably. You know who you are and who your true friends are. There are those you like to be around, but don't confide in. When you have a crisis or problem, you know who you can turn to, who will tell you the absolute truth without sugarcoating it, who won't laugh at you for thinking the way you do.

I've basically been at both ends of that spectrum, between trusting everyone and trusting no one. Both hurt. Both have downsides and upsides, just like everything else in life. Now I'm trying to find where I'm supposed to be in the spectrum. Where is my utopian balance? That's what I want to know. I also want to know who cares. There are those obvious people: my family, certain friends that have stayed by me, no matter the distance - physically or metaphorically.

But there are also those who are not so obvious; those I didn't know cared that much for me. It was amazing to discover that there was a friend who wanted so badly to be one of those people I called a best friend. You don't know what that meant to me. Maybe I thought I was the only one who stalked people (JUST kidding) I wanted to get close to. Sorry if that kind of creeps you out; I promise it's not obsessively weird or anything. I promise. It's that I didn't think anyone wanted that of me. Like, who am I to be sought after? I can't think of the right phrasing for this, but I think you probably know what I'm saying.

It's nice to know who your real friends are, but it usually hurts to find out. It hurts to lose friends, especially those you thought you could trust, those you thought would be there for you. Sometimes it turns out that it depended on what you needed them for. And being there for's one of my biggest desires in life, but it can be so difficult. Finding the right words to say is not easy for me, not really. And sometimes, it hurts to stay. You want to be there, but it may take all you have to do it. Is it worth it? When is enough enough? When does the time come when you have to simply walk away? Or does that come? Did someone just say that so that they could take the easy way out?

The easy way out. It looks so good. And, well, easy. But I'm stubborn. And I like to fix problems, even though this is not really an issue of fixing a problem. At least, I don't think so. As to what it is an issue of, I'm not real sure. Maybe I'll think of it tomorrow. For now, I'm going to bed.

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