What Makes Me Love You?

How do we grow to love people? I mean, really love them? We all have friends, family, people we know. Most of us would do anything for some people. I would do anything for pretty much anybody, regardless of how I felt about them. I think I would, anyway. I haven't had to cross that bridge before. Just hang with me, here...

When you tell someone a secret, you create this bond with that person. It may be in passing, someone completely out of the blue; it may be someone that you have known your whole life but have never really spent a lot of time with or talked to. Either way, you look at them differently afterwards. Why? You could have related a struggle that you've been having or something you've done that not a lot of people know about. Whatever it was, it was something that you wouldn't normally share with just anybody, but for some reason...you did. With that person. Maybe you felt driven to share it because they may be struggling with something similar, and you want to help. Or you may get this feeling that, out of all your close friends, that person will understand...more than any of the people you normally share your secrets with. And that...changes everything. Once again, why?

You shared yourself.

You handed them a part of yourself that is not out in the open. You let down your guard - just for that moment - and forever changed your perspective of him/her. Your perspective is now one of seeing him/her as someone who holds a part of you. And you know what's scary about that? Now he/she has power over you. Of course, that's the more pessimistic way to look at it. The more optimistic view would be that of seeing that person as another connection, another person to share your life with - just a part of your life.

Back to the original question: How do we grow to love people? Simple. We share pieces of ourselves with them. You share an experience or struggle, and a connection is created. There will always be people that you just casually talk to and hang out with; however, there are those that you choose to become closer to and share yourself with. When that happens, they hold a part of you; I guess you could say that their holding you is endearing, in a way. I can't think of a better word to describe it. There are certain people that you just want to pour your life into and lay it all on the line. You may not know what draws you to them, but there is something. Maybe it's because you want them to share themselves with you, if only to help them. But...what if they don't reciprocate? What if they walk away? When they walk away, they walk away with a part of you that you can't take back. You may have shared it with someone else, but there is still that person - who chose to walk away - out there with that piece. Sometimes, it's not a big deal. Other times...it's devastating. However, there are people that do reciprocate, that do share their secrets with you. And that's amazing. It can be.

But what happens when that falls apart as well?

I guess that would depend upon you. And how you react to such things. Furthermore, that depends upon what has happened to you before and how you handled other - possibly very similar - situations.

So, to quote myself - "What's my issue?!" - you may be wondering how I got started on all of this. Not that any of y'all wonder about where I get this stuff anymore, because it is seemingly very random. ;) Anyway... I thought up a quote last night that I am quite proud of but am not sure about its originality: "Why do I try to give my heart away when it's not mine to give? It is God's." To counter myself, this is truth: I want someone to share my life with. And I don't mean just all my secrets; I mean EVERYTHING. I want someone to know my past, what I do in the present, and what I hope and plan to do in the future. I want someone to know what I'm thinking. I want someone to know my every expression. I want someone to know why I'm crying, even if I don't (if that's possible). Furthermore, I want to hold someone else's life like that.

Believe me, I know that it is beyond idealistic - to the point of delusion - to think that that is possible. I also know that God knows all of that. Forgive me for possibly being non-Christian and heretic, but that is not what I want in this case. In this case, I want my husband to be that person with whom I share lives with...A life with. Yes, I know the things that I want take time...LOTS of time...and I can't say I'm willing to wait. I've never been patient in waiting for something like this. I am getting better, but I have so much more to learn and so many things to become content about.

I love talking to people. And for the most part, I believe I do actually enjoy sharing secrets/struggles/thoughts with certain people. Where I really mess up is sharing everything with the wrong people. Don't think that I am saying some people are just wrong; I am saying that they are wrong for me. I get caught up in my love for someone and don't hold back. Some people put up a wall, huge defenses that no one can get through, because they won't let anyone through. They don't want anyone to see everything. Maybe therein lies my problem: I want someone to get through. I throw my heart on my sleeve and wait for someone to ask me about it. What if I didn't do that? What if I kept things hidden away or acted like certain things didn't happen?

I wouldn't be me.

But is being me a problem? I am flawed; of this I am acutely and painfully aware. How much of myself can I put in the open until it is a certifiable problem? Is it ever? Of course, there are some things that people will never know; those things are always present. However, is a wall necessary? I know many people that would say, "Yes, my wall is absolutely necessary. What else keeps me from being hurt by others?" To those I say: "But are you happy with your wall? If you are happy with it, are you truly untouched by others? Do you really avoid the pain of being betrayed or loved?" Because I believe there is a certain amount of pain in being loved. I won't go into that for now... Anyway, how can we truly be safe from the pain others can bring? To quote John Donne, "No man is an island unto himself." We are all connected; we are all affected. Is a true defense system even possible? No. I don't believe so.

To conclude this rambling of mine, I leave you with this:

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?" - Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

Leaving It Up To You

This is a song I wrote Sunday; there have been several times where I have been inspired while in church. I guess that makes a lot of sense, huh? Believe it or not, this is one of the happier songs I've ever written. That's just how I work; when I get down, I write. I'm working on writing stuff when I'm in a good mood or having a great day, but that's still in progress.

Leaving It Up To You

Down in the depths
Of my own sorrow
Suffocating slowly
I am brought so low

I can't see the light
Hopelessness takes me
No desire to get up
Let the darkness have me

(chorus)
I can't do this anymore
God, You'll have to make me
Want to live, want to try
Take my hand and lift my soul
There's no more I can do
I'm leaving it up to you

I felt so alone
With no one to hold me
Tell me to keep going
This is temporary

I wanted so badly to quit
No more burdens to bear
But I turned to God
And this was my prayer

(chorus)
I can't do this anymore
God, You'll have to make me
Want to live, want to try
Take my hand and lift my soul
There's no more I can do
I'm leaving it up to you

Why do I wait so long
To let go of what holds me down
When You're waiting patiently
For Your grace to be found

I try so hard to fix it
I try to do it on my own
When I need to look to You
And hold on to You alone

What a relief to leave it up to You
God, I'm thankful You've made me
Want to live, want to try
You picked me up lovingly saying
There's no more for you to do
I'm taking it up for You

Trying, Crying, and Letting Go

So, if you know me at all, you know I'm stubborn to a fault. Well, it is a fault, I guess. Unless it applies to standing strong in what I believe in. Aaaanyway...when something is wrong, I try to fix it. And I'm so hard-headed that I will not let it go. I have to do something. I have to make it better. I try with everything I have to fix things that I have no chance of fixing. Still, I try. And I hold on.

I also cry. A lot. It's a condition I've had since I became emotionally aware...of my emotions. Haha...ha. Lol. Moving on...I am so emotional. And I don't like it. I hate it when I get to talking about something that is dear to me or makes me angry or sad, and I start to break down or do break down - especially in front of a group of people. It is SO much fun, let me tell you! I wish I could keep my cool better. I wish I could talk rationally (and clearly) about things that really matter to me, but most of the time it's impossible. It frustrates me, and I wish I could do something about it. But I can't.

When I try so hard to fix something that can't be fixed, I eventually end up crying. Of course, I cry along the way, too. I have been so low that I don't know how I'm going to ever get up again. I didn't know if I wanted to. When you hit rock bottom, there's only one place to go: Up. But how do you start? How do you find that first foothold? I knew there was a foothold, and I knew how to find it. However, I wanted to try and find it myself. For someone who tries to downplay her abilities and doesn't trust herself, I must be insane to not learn from my mistakes. I am insane, but that's beside the point. ;) I am so stubborn that I continue to use the same old methods of fixing things that have never worked to fix a problem that I know how to fix...but not by doing it myself. The problem was not knowing how to fix it; the problem was when I was willing to let it go. I can't tell God that I'm letting it go if I'm still holding on and analyzing and trying to solve. I'm just saying the words...and that means nothing. There's nothing behind it. It wasn't like I had some revelation or something somebody said triggered anything; I just had simply had enough. Enough of trying. Enough of failing. Enough of feeling this anger, bitterness, and sadness that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at once.

I'm still not sure what's going on with me, and there are numerous things still flying through my brain that I can't figure out. There's a lot of things I don't know, and maybe I'll never find some out. Right now, at this moment...that's okay. I'm okay. And that's all you need to know.

Crashing

What do you do when you feel like everything is going wrong? All you can do is just let it happen. Nothing seems like it will ever be the same again. You question yourself, others, and, worst of all, God. God wants something from you, but you have no clue what that is. You don't even know where to begin fixing any of it. Controlling the situation is impossible, because it's gotten so far out your reach. No one's telling you what to do, or what not to do, so you place these boundaries on yourself that restrain you to a little box in which you can't move, breathe, or even really think.

What do you do?

I broke down. That's what I did last week. I didn't know what else to do; my mind, body, and soul didn't know what else to do.

Why do we do this to ourselves? It can be avoided, but do we ever really understand what the consequences of any of our actions are? It's nearly impossible to determine. Maybe there is a point at which we get a feeling that something may not turn out for the best if an action is not ceased; however, how often do we listen to that feeling? And can not everything be misconstrued or twisted the wrong way? At what point does it change from being our own fault to someone else's for taking it incorrectly? Does it ever? Is it still our fault because we are responsible for others' faiths? Possibly just as responsible for our own?

There's another thing that I do not know. Along with so many others. And I hate not knowing. I hate being in the dark. I hate not knowing where I stand.

Am I afraid of being let loose? Honestly, I like to have guidelines. Restrictions. Maybe that's why I put so many on myself. Although sometimes I have the urge to do something completely unexpected, maybe even on the edge of being beyond what is accepted. By who is irrelevant. But what is this feeling of suffocation that I feel? I believe it is my own walls closing in, because I don't know how far I can go.

And that bothers me to no end.

How far can I go? Where does it start? Where do I stop?

Who will tell me when I get there?

Magnum

Magnum, who passed away last night. I don't know exactly how old he was, but I know he was between six and eight. Although he wasn't the brightest dog we've ever had, he was definitely one of the sweetest. I miss him, but it won't really hit me until I go home again and only see Sandy waiting for me in the driveway.