It's hard, this living thing. This getting up every day and being with people and doing work/school and dealing with problems and trying to make sense of it all - it's hard. Sometimes it seems too hard. Sometimes you feel like you can't deal with this right now and if anything else goes wrong...you won't make it. Some days you just lay in bed and wonder if you can make it through the day period, much less without breaking down. You wish you could just lay there and skip that day and whatever problems it may entail. You wonder if it would make a difference if you didn't show up to class or just ran off somewhere and disappeared for a little while; would anyone notice? Would anyone worry or really be concerned about you? Would someone take the time to try and reach you in some way; not because someone else told them to or they felt obligated to but because they truly want to know how you are.
So many days I wondered that. So many days I've wasted wondering if I could just skip out; could I run away from this situation, this problem. And knowing that that is a childish way to deal with things and definitely not a solution doesn't change the fact that you don't think you can get through it for one more day. How many times did I wonder if people around me saw me - really saw me? I was walking, talking, and breathing, but oh the pain involved. Every breath was a trial, every word was a fight, every step was exhausting. Who saw that?
Buckle in; this is a long ride.
I was angry. I've never thought of myself as one to hold grudges, but I believe I've changed that opinion. It depends on what was hurt. My pride? Puh. What pride? Shoot down my pride till it has no wings for all I care. I don't need it. My intelligence? I don't much believe in it anyway. ;) My heart? That's another matter. I give you my heart and you throw it away? Oh, the grudges I can hold. The anger I can repress, the bitterness I can direct. It's hard, having your heart forsaken and undervalued. Especially when what matters to me is that I can share my heart with you in order for you to share your heart with me. When you shut me off, when you turn me away - you break my heart. But tell me the truth! Don't act as though I am something to be protected from the facts at all costs; don't undermine me. I can take pain. And I HATE lying. I hate false love. And never tell me we will be friends forever, because it doesn't happen that way. Not always, and maybe never. I haven't found out yet, but I have found that you should never say something you can't guarantee. You may want to be friends forever all you like, but you can't back it up. Not truly. I can tell you that that's how I want it to be; however, I will never tell that that's how it WILL be. Because I don't know. Only God knows, and He's not telling.
So many things to be concerned about... It's hard. I have to think about being at Union for another three years, who my fourth roommate will be for next semester, trying to be an example for others, supporting my friends the best I can, and thinking about having to step into a position I don't believe I am yet equipped to occupy. But what can I do? I have made a choice to keep going. I have made a choice to not run away, not take the easy route. Maybe there will be days that I regret that - and those have come - and wish I hadn't been so stubborn, but I know that in the end I made the right choice.
What about the end of the day? What if I got to the end of each day and was able to say, "I made the right choices today. I did the right thing and didn't take the easy way out. I did what I could to be who God wants me to be and didn't make excuses for it."? A sense of accomplishment would follow that realization. I don't know that I've ever had a day where I could really say that I made all the right decisions that day. How many people could? But there are days that I have moments in which I can say, "I did it. I did the right thing. It was hard, but I did not back down; I stood my ground." And though that's all I have, that is what I will take. I don't often feel good about myself, so I have to relish those spare moments.
I think about those bad days and those good days. And I wonder if, truly, neither of them are wastes. There have been long periods of time in my life when I have been mad at the world, having an extended pity party, and/or struggling to get through each minute. At one time I considered my whole first semester as a senior a waste, because I was bitter and had a horrible attitude about everything - all because my "best friend" betrayed my trust. But was it? It makes me appreciate these times, in which things are okay - I'm okay - but hard. It's always hard. No matter how well things are going, something always comes up. Something always doesn't go exactly as planned. And maybe you do take it in stride, but it is still a bump in the road - and who likes bumps? However, we are supposed to enjoy life, every day of it. It is a gift from God. So, those days where we feel like life is stupid and this is not worth the pain and we should run away from our problems instead of facing them...that is not us enjoying life. At the moment, we're resenting it. We ask, "Why am I here if all I do is screw up? Why can't this be easy?"
God never said it would be easy. He also said that we would screw up. Constantly.
So try. Try to be someone trustworthy. Try to be someone you would hang out with. Try to help others. Try to put others before yourself. Try not to worry about what people think. Try to see those who are hurting and reach out to them. Try to be there for those who refuse to let anyone else be there for them. Try to bring people together. Try to be a peacemaker but also a revolutionary. Try to be a leader but also a devoted follower. Try to be an amazing friend. Try to find people who love you for you and don't ask for anything else. Try to do the right thing. Try to be your best. Try to be yourself. Try to be who God wants you to be. Try to do what He wants. Try to follow His plan before forming your own. Try to take things in stride and deal with issues wisely. Try to think before you speak. Try to do what you can. Just try.
Trying doesn't guarantee results. It definitely doesn't guarantee you'll get it right. But without trying...what are you doing?
And what will you get from that?
Yes, giving up is an option. But what excuse do you have for quitting? Yes, it's hard. But what reason do you have for it being otherwise? We bring this upon ourselves, no matter how much we whine about life being unfair. Of course life is unfair; we make it unfair. We make the good bad and the bad good. We let things slide until we can't ignore them, but then it's too late. We make innumerable mistakes, then expect our accomplishments to make a dent in the cities of degredation? 897450987023 + 41 does not equal zero; how can you expect a lifetime of wrongs plus three years or so worth of good deeds to come to a different sum? The thought of earning your way to Heaven is absolutely ludicrous! There cannot be a scale on which God weighs our good and bad; one side would hit the ground every time. The same side. Don't ask why life is hard; ask God for His mercy and grace to get through it.