And by counseling, I mean being in grad school to become a counselor. Actually, I am technically being counseled as well, since we counsel each other in order to practice and work on our counseling skills.
The end of my first semester of grad school is almost here - almost exactly a month away at this point. Kinda crazy. I am really enjoying it so far; it's difficult, as grad school should be, but I love the stuff I'm learning. To me, one of the best things about what we learn is that it can be used beyond just our careers. The basic foundation of counseling is listening - a very important and useful everyday skill that everyone should possess but way too often gets overlooked. Another big skill you need to have as a counselor is unconditional acceptance of your client. This is not just "being okay" with who they are but also showing them that you fully accept them. Both of these pieces of counseling have been researched and shown to be very effective in creating the intimate and trusting relationship needed for therapy.
So why do they get skipped in everyday life? Everyone wants to be accepted and understood, yet it is so easy to only expect it for ourselves and not give it to others. We can be so selfish in this. All it takes is focusing on another person and truly hearing what they have to say and accepting it. Each person has their own perception of reality that is constructed by the environment they grew up in and the people around them, but we like to act like people are either for us or against us - there's no gray parts. There is no room for different beliefs, different ideas of what it means to be "right" or "good." You don't know where someone else is coming from until you actually listen and then accept how they see things. It doesn't mean to conform to everyone around you - it means to be empathic. Empathy is diving into someone else's world, trying to see things from their side but not getting so caught up in it that you lose yourself.
It's so hard not to judge people and think they're just ridiculous for doing what they did (whatever that may be), but it would be so much better if we tried to take a step back and listen to where they are. It can be so simple. But when have we learned this? From whom would we have learned that there are other points of view, that everyone is not going to be like you, and that you should take the time to find out about that and appreciate the fact that life is made infinitely more interesting and vibrant by the differences in people?
I get frustrated by the lack of listening and acceptance in the world (particularly in politics, but I won't even go there). However, I am glad that I get the chance to be at least one person in someone's life that takes the time to listen to his or her story and accept the way he or she sees things. Because we all need that. And we all deserve it.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
It's Been a While...
I keep debating whether or not I should even try to keep up with this blog. Especially within the last year or so, I've been very neglectful and will go months without writing a thing. I feel a little bad about it, but most of the time it completely slips my mind until I remember it. Then I can't think of anything to write or don't feel like I have enough time to devote because (obviously) I tend to ramble for quite some time with no clear purpose.
ANYWAY, a lot of things have changed in my life recently. I got married just over two months ago, I started graduate school a little after that, and I'm in a new town. Well, city, I guess. The combination of new things is going well so far. Graduate school is very interesting (for the most part) but takes up quite a bit of time. I knew it would be different from undergrad, and those differences are pretty much what I expected: more work, but more intriguing. With undergrad you have all those core classes that you care nothing about; with grad school it's all related to information you want to know. I do have one class I find extremely boring, but it's mainly because I already learned it in undergrad (hats off to Blalack) and the professor tends to digress and ramble. It's probably what I would do as a professor, which is not a good thing. Practicing counseling can be so nerve wracking. You're trying to truly listen to your client while thinking, "Should I ask about that? What does that mean? What do I say when he or she stops talking? What's going on here??" If only we could just go with empathic listening and help people with that. Actually, we found out that only 15% of the success of therapy is determined by what the counselor actually does as far as therapy. The rest is the therapeutic relationship, having someone listen, that kind of stuff. That takes the pressure off a little bit, because it means (to me) that I only have 15% in which to do damage. ;)
Being married is fun. It's difficult, but it's fun. I say it's difficult because it's entirely different than before I was married. You have another person to consider when you're planning your life. Real life gets in the way of spending time together, and spending time together can get in the way of real life (which obviously causes problems for me being in grad school). The fun part comes when you come home to someone, you always have someone to do things with, all that good stuff. Plus, planning your life together is fun - it's just a little more complicated than it would be with just yourself to worry about.
Wow. I didn't even get that far and I'm running out of juice. Maybe it won't be that long before I post again - but you never know.
ANYWAY, a lot of things have changed in my life recently. I got married just over two months ago, I started graduate school a little after that, and I'm in a new town. Well, city, I guess. The combination of new things is going well so far. Graduate school is very interesting (for the most part) but takes up quite a bit of time. I knew it would be different from undergrad, and those differences are pretty much what I expected: more work, but more intriguing. With undergrad you have all those core classes that you care nothing about; with grad school it's all related to information you want to know. I do have one class I find extremely boring, but it's mainly because I already learned it in undergrad (hats off to Blalack) and the professor tends to digress and ramble. It's probably what I would do as a professor, which is not a good thing. Practicing counseling can be so nerve wracking. You're trying to truly listen to your client while thinking, "Should I ask about that? What does that mean? What do I say when he or she stops talking? What's going on here??" If only we could just go with empathic listening and help people with that. Actually, we found out that only 15% of the success of therapy is determined by what the counselor actually does as far as therapy. The rest is the therapeutic relationship, having someone listen, that kind of stuff. That takes the pressure off a little bit, because it means (to me) that I only have 15% in which to do damage. ;)
Being married is fun. It's difficult, but it's fun. I say it's difficult because it's entirely different than before I was married. You have another person to consider when you're planning your life. Real life gets in the way of spending time together, and spending time together can get in the way of real life (which obviously causes problems for me being in grad school). The fun part comes when you come home to someone, you always have someone to do things with, all that good stuff. Plus, planning your life together is fun - it's just a little more complicated than it would be with just yourself to worry about.
Wow. I didn't even get that far and I'm running out of juice. Maybe it won't be that long before I post again - but you never know.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Why I'm an Oxymoron
When I first started this blog, it was my freshman year of college at Union. I don't recall exactly what led me to start a blog; I believe my sister had one at the time and I thought, you know, I wouldn't mind letting people know some of my thoughts and what's going on in my life. I've had a prayer journal for over ten years now, and I have also occasionally kept other journals with random entries and never regularly. It's great to look back at my journals and see where I was at that time and what I was focused on or worried about. It's also amusing, apparently, because when my fiance read some of old journal entries (I mean like 15 years ago old) he found it very amusing when I wrote about some guy stalking me that I did NOT like. Yes, I was eight. Yes, I remember that - that kid was creepy.
Anyway, I've found a blog to be a conundrum. Often I have gone months without writing a thing, because I cannot think of what to write. Well, I can think of things to write about, but I find that I am afraid to post some things. Like, poetry that is depressing (which is honestly about the only kind I write) or my opinions on certain political issues. Why am I afraid, you may ask?
Because I don't want to disappoint you.
I'm big on disappointment. I hate being disappointed, although I believe I am doing better at that. I loathe the idea of being a disappointment, of being less than you think I am. I keep things to myself because it's easier than having you misunderstand or judge me for it. I was raised to worry about what people think, and as much as I try to deny that I do - I do. Big time. The standards I set up for myself often have more to do with others than me or God, and those standards are high. Which means I often fall short of them. Which means I am often disappointed with myself. I am my toughest critic, by far.
As for the reason I am an oxymoron...
I revel in not being what people expect. I love shaking up expectations, throwing people off, showing a side they didn't think existed. Maybe it's a joy in showing people that they don't know me as well as they thought they did. I want to blow up stereotypes and throw down conventionality. I want to be different, noteworthy, someone that sticks in your mind.
Maybe everyone feels that way to some extent. I don't believe myself to be alone in this clash of how to live my life. These two ideas are not completely at odds, however. I want to be different, yes, but who I am with different people changes - and that's where expectations come in. Give me my conservative friends, and the conservative me appears, holding back certain thoughts that might offend or turn away. Put me with my more liberal friends and I'll talk about anything - almost. I have some friends that are quieter than others, with whom I become more outspoken; when spending time with those more boisterous, I recede somewhat and fade more into the background than the forefront.
It makes me think of DID - dissociative identity disorder, or more commonly known as multiple personalities. Fascinating stuff; read Sybil or watch "United States of Tara" if you ever get the chance. The thing about the different personalities that someone with DID exhibits is that each personality is essentially a facet of that person's full personality. The main focus of DID treatment is integration - integrating each separate personality into the full and true personality, which eventually becomes the whole person. We each have varying facets of our personality that reveal themselves depending on the situation in which we find ourselves. This is completely natural and I believe is actually a survival technique.
I remember when I was getting ready to come to college, and I was so excited about the opportunity to meet an entirely new group of people that had no idea who I was, where I came from, or what kind of person I was. I realized that as a result of this anonymity, I could be whoever I chose to be - more importantly, I could be the person I always was, the person that most people in my life didn't know because it might be disappointing. Using that opportunity as best as I could, I made some incredible friends in college with whom I could be more myself than ever. I found a (future) husband that is fully aware of who I am, probably more than anyone else in my life. No, definitely more than anyone else. And that is something worth fighting for.
So I want to be open about things, but I know that dropping all the walls more often than not leaves you more damaged than before. I don't want to disappoint you, whoever you may be, but I want to be more than you expect. There's so much I wish to say, but the need to meet your expectations overrides my desire to exceed them.
Is it better not knowing? I feel that if you know I hold things back from you that you will wonder what exactly those things are. Maybe you'll just imagine the worst and throw it around in your mind until it becomes fact. Trust me in this: I believe that I am protecting you. I know how it is to be disappointed in someone, and how much pain that can cause.
I don't mean to sound despairing, because I am not. This is something I've thought over for years, the fight between being seen and being safe. To end this lightly, I must say that I am so very thankful for Ryan, the man I waited for all my life, the man with whom I can be me.
I'm so glad he is fine with my burping. ;)
Anyway, I've found a blog to be a conundrum. Often I have gone months without writing a thing, because I cannot think of what to write. Well, I can think of things to write about, but I find that I am afraid to post some things. Like, poetry that is depressing (which is honestly about the only kind I write) or my opinions on certain political issues. Why am I afraid, you may ask?
Because I don't want to disappoint you.
I'm big on disappointment. I hate being disappointed, although I believe I am doing better at that. I loathe the idea of being a disappointment, of being less than you think I am. I keep things to myself because it's easier than having you misunderstand or judge me for it. I was raised to worry about what people think, and as much as I try to deny that I do - I do. Big time. The standards I set up for myself often have more to do with others than me or God, and those standards are high. Which means I often fall short of them. Which means I am often disappointed with myself. I am my toughest critic, by far.
As for the reason I am an oxymoron...
I revel in not being what people expect. I love shaking up expectations, throwing people off, showing a side they didn't think existed. Maybe it's a joy in showing people that they don't know me as well as they thought they did. I want to blow up stereotypes and throw down conventionality. I want to be different, noteworthy, someone that sticks in your mind.
Maybe everyone feels that way to some extent. I don't believe myself to be alone in this clash of how to live my life. These two ideas are not completely at odds, however. I want to be different, yes, but who I am with different people changes - and that's where expectations come in. Give me my conservative friends, and the conservative me appears, holding back certain thoughts that might offend or turn away. Put me with my more liberal friends and I'll talk about anything - almost. I have some friends that are quieter than others, with whom I become more outspoken; when spending time with those more boisterous, I recede somewhat and fade more into the background than the forefront.
It makes me think of DID - dissociative identity disorder, or more commonly known as multiple personalities. Fascinating stuff; read Sybil or watch "United States of Tara" if you ever get the chance. The thing about the different personalities that someone with DID exhibits is that each personality is essentially a facet of that person's full personality. The main focus of DID treatment is integration - integrating each separate personality into the full and true personality, which eventually becomes the whole person. We each have varying facets of our personality that reveal themselves depending on the situation in which we find ourselves. This is completely natural and I believe is actually a survival technique.
I remember when I was getting ready to come to college, and I was so excited about the opportunity to meet an entirely new group of people that had no idea who I was, where I came from, or what kind of person I was. I realized that as a result of this anonymity, I could be whoever I chose to be - more importantly, I could be the person I always was, the person that most people in my life didn't know because it might be disappointing. Using that opportunity as best as I could, I made some incredible friends in college with whom I could be more myself than ever. I found a (future) husband that is fully aware of who I am, probably more than anyone else in my life. No, definitely more than anyone else. And that is something worth fighting for.
So I want to be open about things, but I know that dropping all the walls more often than not leaves you more damaged than before. I don't want to disappoint you, whoever you may be, but I want to be more than you expect. There's so much I wish to say, but the need to meet your expectations overrides my desire to exceed them.
Is it better not knowing? I feel that if you know I hold things back from you that you will wonder what exactly those things are. Maybe you'll just imagine the worst and throw it around in your mind until it becomes fact. Trust me in this: I believe that I am protecting you. I know how it is to be disappointed in someone, and how much pain that can cause.
I don't mean to sound despairing, because I am not. This is something I've thought over for years, the fight between being seen and being safe. To end this lightly, I must say that I am so very thankful for Ryan, the man I waited for all my life, the man with whom I can be me.
I'm so glad he is fine with my burping. ;)
Friday, June 18, 2010
And for the Recap
Alright, the US pulled it together. Major props. Donovan brought them back with their first goal, then Bradley sunk in the equalizer. Both fantastically placed goals. The defense seemed to pick it up and Howard kept being awesome.
Now I have a problem with the ref. He called fouls left and right, first mainly against the US (18 in all) then finally realized that Slovenia was pulling a few fouls (16 to be exact) themselves. Then...THEN. Then Edu came through on a free kick and sunk it in the goal...and he blows the whistle. No problem... Wait. Against the US? For what?! The goal is disallowed, and they of course replay it over and over again because the commentators can't figure out what the heck happened. Let's see... You've got TWO US guys being full-on HUGGED by Slovenia defenders, Edu and everyone else ONSIDE, and NO FOULS FROM THE US SIDE.
SERIOUSLY?!
As you might imagine, I was furious. Where did that call come from? There was no justification for it whatsoever, and you, Mr. Dumba** Ref, just cost US a goal, a win, and possibly a ticket to the next round.
Congratulations.
You're an idiot.
Now, as you can tell, I get fired up about stuff like this. Namely, sports. Namely soccer. My fiance mocks me for it and doesn't understand when I start yelling at the screen that yes, I do realize they cannot hear me, and no, it doesn't matter that they can't. I am passionate about my sport, and I am not ashamed of it. Just wait till he sees me next year with the Women's World Cup... We'll be married before then, so he'll just have to deal with it. ;)
Regardless of whether the US continues or not, I'll keep watching. I just love to see beautiful soccer played, no matter who's on the field. I doubt Italy will repeat, but it's a distinct possibility. Spain also has a good shot, as well as Brazil, as always. I'd love for a smaller team to come through and win, and there's always a good chance of that. After the US goes, I'm not sure who I'll go for. I could go for Spain, I think. They looked great in their opening game. England might have a decent shot, but I can't take them seriously for some reason. Maybe they'll surprise me. They're definitely not hurting without Beckham.
We'll just see what happens. And you'll probably read about it here, since I'm sure I can't refrain from it.
Now I have a problem with the ref. He called fouls left and right, first mainly against the US (18 in all) then finally realized that Slovenia was pulling a few fouls (16 to be exact) themselves. Then...THEN. Then Edu came through on a free kick and sunk it in the goal...and he blows the whistle. No problem... Wait. Against the US? For what?! The goal is disallowed, and they of course replay it over and over again because the commentators can't figure out what the heck happened. Let's see... You've got TWO US guys being full-on HUGGED by Slovenia defenders, Edu and everyone else ONSIDE, and NO FOULS FROM THE US SIDE.
SERIOUSLY?!
As you might imagine, I was furious. Where did that call come from? There was no justification for it whatsoever, and you, Mr. Dumba** Ref, just cost US a goal, a win, and possibly a ticket to the next round.
Congratulations.
You're an idiot.
Now, as you can tell, I get fired up about stuff like this. Namely, sports. Namely soccer. My fiance mocks me for it and doesn't understand when I start yelling at the screen that yes, I do realize they cannot hear me, and no, it doesn't matter that they can't. I am passionate about my sport, and I am not ashamed of it. Just wait till he sees me next year with the Women's World Cup... We'll be married before then, so he'll just have to deal with it. ;)
Regardless of whether the US continues or not, I'll keep watching. I just love to see beautiful soccer played, no matter who's on the field. I doubt Italy will repeat, but it's a distinct possibility. Spain also has a good shot, as well as Brazil, as always. I'd love for a smaller team to come through and win, and there's always a good chance of that. After the US goes, I'm not sure who I'll go for. I could go for Spain, I think. They looked great in their opening game. England might have a decent shot, but I can't take them seriously for some reason. Maybe they'll surprise me. They're definitely not hurting without Beckham.
We'll just see what happens. And you'll probably read about it here, since I'm sure I can't refrain from it.
A Rant for You
I shall start off by saying that I never had high hopes for the US team in the World Cup. The US men struggle to compete. Their highest finish was 80 years ago, in third place. They reached the quarterfinals in '02. I believe we have the talent to get further and even win, but it's difficult for them to pull it together. This year just seems to be a disaster. The defense keeps falling apart and letting only halfway decent goals through. Right now it's halftime at the Slovenia game, and they're down 2-0. It's all because of defensive breakdowns, and it appears that Onyewu is the main culprit. Talk, people! Tim Howard, I feel sorry for you. You're hurting but playing anyway, and I give you props for that, but you have no support from your back line.
I also have a problem with the team's style. I've watched several teams play this week, and I was blown away by just how beautifully Spain and Italy play. Their passing is just gorgeous! Hardly a stray pass or bad touch - they just link passes together like...I have nothing to compare it to. Then I watch US. Ugh. It's like passing was completely skipped in training. They pass to other teams' players, empty space (with no one there), the sideline. They try to push through with brute force, and, honestly, sometimes it works. They just had ten chances within about four minutes, but none of them found the net. Slovenia actually has a defensive line that acts like they know what they're doing.
I'm not against teams having different styles, but the US isn't making theirs work for them. I give them about ten years before they figure it out. Until then, I'd much prefer watching the US women team. Which reminds me, NEXT YEAR!! :D
(and by that I mean that next year is the FIFA Women's World Cup - hecka yeah)
And now back to the game that USA needs to get back to as well...
I also have a problem with the team's style. I've watched several teams play this week, and I was blown away by just how beautifully Spain and Italy play. Their passing is just gorgeous! Hardly a stray pass or bad touch - they just link passes together like...I have nothing to compare it to. Then I watch US. Ugh. It's like passing was completely skipped in training. They pass to other teams' players, empty space (with no one there), the sideline. They try to push through with brute force, and, honestly, sometimes it works. They just had ten chances within about four minutes, but none of them found the net. Slovenia actually has a defensive line that acts like they know what they're doing.
I'm not against teams having different styles, but the US isn't making theirs work for them. I give them about ten years before they figure it out. Until then, I'd much prefer watching the US women team. Which reminds me, NEXT YEAR!! :D
(and by that I mean that next year is the FIFA Women's World Cup - hecka yeah)
And now back to the game that USA needs to get back to as well...
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