Are You a Mannequin?

Think about all the Bible heroes and heroines. The men and women we hear about in Sunday School and at church as Christians who did God's will. Ruth, who decided to take care of her mother-in-law instead of running back to her family; David, who was God's chosen king; Solomon, who asked God for wisdom and was blessed with that plus everything else; Peter, whom God used to build His Church.... I could go for days.

But wait a minute - these people were not ideal role models. Adulterers, murderers, liars, deceivers, lawbreakers - these are the people we look to for models of Christian faith??

What a lot of non-Christians want to see is those people's mistakes. They had affairs with married women, slept with their family members, disowned Jesus, broke all the rules of custom, ran from their responsibilities, etc. How are we supposed to be "good" Christians if all we have (minus one) for examples are these sinners who a lot of the time seemed to only be living for themselves?

Obviously Jesus is the only perfect example we have to follow. All of the others in the Bible were simply human, like ourselves. They made mistakes - just like we do - that we should be able to learn from.

More than that, I believe there is a more general lesson to be taken from the stories of these great people's mistakes.

A lot of Christians worry about looking "good" - and not just physically. One thing I've heard from Christians and non-Christians alike is that a lot of Christians are just straight up fake. I've seen it myself. I've honestly done it, as well. We love to play this game, wear this facade that everything is okay because we love the Lord! Yes, we love the Lord - but everything is not always okay. You can raise your hands during worship at church all you want, but if the conviction is not there, if the faith and confession are not there, you're just waving your hand at the ceiling.

One time I was going through a really hard time in my life, and I was constantly in a depressed mood. A friend (who was struggling as well) told me, "If you act like you're okay long enough, eventually you will be." I didn't quite agree with it then, and I don't agree with it now. I am not saying that you should tell everyone you see your entire sob story; not everyone wants to hear it, trust me. I am saying that you should be honest about not always being at the top of your game. Everyone has bad days, everyone struggles with their faith at some point - it is okay. One day an acquaintance asked me how was I was doing as we walked towards each other on the sidewalk. I can't quite remember my answer, but it was something along the lines of, "Well, I've been better." She said, "I'm glad you were honest! Most people just say 'Fine' and move on!"

I strive to be a good role model, and fail quite often. I'm bound to mess up, but that does not mean I give up trying. Nor do I try to hide the fact that I do in fact fall. Jesus's message is about forgiveness, but so often we try to act like we don't even need it! His forgiveness doesn't just forgive what we did before we were Christians; it completely covers us after as well! Why do we keep missing that or try to cover it up?? Are we ashamed that we still need to be forgiven? When we try to act like we're perfect, we give others too much to live up to. If we want to reach others, why do we set ourselves so far apart? We're not helping fellow Christians by pretending to be perfect; those that are struggling are afraid to shatter their image enough to ask someone else for help.

Why do we have to look so good? Yes, we are called to follow Christ's example, but that does not mean hiding our indiscretions and praying no one finds out. The people in the Bible who tried to hide their mistakes were always revealed; they were always brought to judgement. Why do we think we won't meet the same fate? Those people were most of the time publicly confronted about their sins by prophets who were sent by God to show that no one is above reproach and no one is inaccessable to forgiveness.

God never asked us to "look" like we were doing His will. He actually practically asks us not to do that - yet we still try. We are saved by faith, not by anything we do, say, or think - and definitely not by how people see us. What are we living for if all we worry about is what someone else thinks of us? God calls us to live for His glory - not our own nor anyone else's.

Own your mistakes, learn from them and move on. Learn your weaknesses, work on strengthening them and ask for help. Confess your sins, know that everyone messes up and don't try to hide them. We are all human and shouldn't be expected to be anything other than less than perfect - that goes for you, too.

By the way, mannequins creep me out (see title above). I always hated that I could mistake them for real people, yet they weren't. It's unnatural. Literally.

Up Next?

I got a rejection letter from Appalachian State University, my counseling program of choice. When I first got the news (the letter was sent home), I became upset. I wasn't sure what to do next. I'm still not %100 sure, but I know everything will be okay. Right now I'm going to work on getting accepted later to App State and getting a psychology related job somewhere here in Jackson or nearby.

God has a plan and He is in control - that settles my hearts more than anything. Things may not be going the way I thought they needed to, but there is a reason for this. I knew that this was a possibility, and I am taking responsibility for my own fault in this. I know where God has put my heart, and I am determined to get there with His help.

The Past and Now

Holding on, letting go
To all that ever made me who I know
Bring me up, tear me down
Challenging everything I thought was sound

Looking to the past
While still moving forward
Am I stuck in limbo
Starving myself?

I am here, fully
Because I've hurt and been hurt truly
It's my own fault
For imagining what could be

Nothing to regret - maybe
How can anyone be sure
When all that happened
Is set in malleable stone

Words restrict me, hold me back
My heart can say so much more
Tell my story, tell my truths
But only God can hear it all

He brought me here
And I am finding daily
That His strength is all I need
His grace gives me my love

Riding Planes and Jumping Out of Them

I'm sitting in the Denver airport, waiting until my 7:00 flight - with seven more hours to go. Blurg! I'm coming back from San Jose, California, visiting Tiven. Before San Jose, I was in Tacoma with Lauren for a few days. I love traveling, except for the fact that it costs money. :)

While it does cost quite a bit of money - especially a trip to Ireland, Scotland, and England for two weeks - to me it's totally worth it. Since I'm going to grad school in the fall (from my keyboard to God's ears...), I know that it'll be a while before I can do stuff like this, flying all over the country and at least one part of the world. I love to travel, and I wanted to take the opportunities I received to do so.

I went skydiving in Hollister, CA, with Tiven on Friday. Holy crap. I was perfectly fine until we actually started moving towards the door; when we got there, I believe my brain shut down and all it could manage was thinking, "WHAT THE H-E-DOUBLEHOCKEYSTICKS WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?!" I completely shut my eyes for the backflip we did out of the plane - at least I think I did, because I can't remember seeing anything at that point. The whole time we were freefalling, I tried to focus on breathing like Coach always told us to when we were running our butts off - breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth. I was freaking out. When the parachute came out, I was so relieved. That part was actually pretty cool. It was a beautiful view, of course.

I paid to have it videotaped, and my expression when we jump out is pretty priceless; you can see the terror on my face, and even see me mouthing some not so nice words when we got to the door. :( Sorry, Mom. However, I'm pretty sure you're going to say the same thing when you see it. It's pretty funny, actually, to see how terrified I was.

I think a lot of people are confused in this airport; I keep seeing a lot of the same people walk by with somewhat confused looks on their faces. And there's a guy trying to get people to sign up for a credit card. People are interesting to watch.

Anyway, the entire trip was fun, but I'm glad to be coming home. I missed Ryan. :) Now to get off and waste another seven hours...

Bowling Prequel

It's pretty sad that it's been almost a month since my last post. I'd hoped I would keep up with this better, and up until this semester I did. However...nineteen hours of school, a few hours of work a week, and a boyfriend I want to spend all my time with - add it all together, and you've got blogging at the end of a very long and time-consuming list.

Not that I'm complaining. Well, about school, yes. I am beyond ready for school to be over this semester. There is so much to do. Blurg.

I am currently watching the 100 Greatest Rock Songs of All Time on VH1. I LOVE watching the 100 whatever, no matter what it is. But I just keep thinking that it's incredible how influential music is. It's something everyone can discuss, whether you disagree with someone's musical tastes or are totally in sync with them. There are band names that everyone in the civilized world has heard, even if they don't necessarily know their music.

Going to concerts is awesome. Especially rock concerts. I went to a Flyleaf concert three years ago - incredible! I typically don't like to look like an idiot, but I had my hands in the air (mostly with rock hands), jumping like a loon, screaming the lyrics. Awesome. When Lavon and I went to see Paramore in Nashville, "Misery Business" had me dancing in public - if you know me at all, you know that's a big deal. Certain music apparently takes away my inhibitions. Haha. I definitely plan to see Evanescence and Yellowcard in concert; they are two of my favorite bands ever and would be amazing to see live.

I also enjoy the not-so-crazy concerts, like The Fray, KT Tunstall, and Sara Bareilles. I just enjoy good music. Ryan and I are going to see Adele in Nashville in like a week and a half, and I am stoked about that. Her voice is fantastic.

Hopefully I didn't repeat any adjectives, because I'm pretty sure I used a ton in the last two paragraphs. Lol.

Random thought: Wouldn't it be interesting to see our parents and other adults in our lives at concerts when they were our age?? Hm... I saw Lavon at Paramore, and she was pretty hyped. It was awesome. Haha.

Another random thought: You know everyone has a personal scent? I wonder what mine smells like. Once I was in Idaho visiting a friend when I walked into a room and got hit with the familiar scent of one of my good friends back home - far far away from Idaho. That was kind of strange but cool.

I'm going to quit forewarning for random thoughts and now spout without preamble.

I am totally having a library and a movie room in my house. Separate rooms for each, mind you. My dream library would be one modeled after the library in the Biltmore House in North Carolina. Go see it if you haven't. I love that entire house and its grounds. My family has been there at least three times. I think. I'm not sure.

I don't think I could write a whole album. Not an entire album of decent songs, anyway. Haha.

Seriously, Bret Michaels? This is getting sad. At least Tila Tequila decided to call it quits after the second season. Sorry, VH1 is ridiculously and tragically addictive.

We're going bowling tonight! Fun entails...

Apparently the way to find true love is to put suitors through ludicrous games that are degrading and without viable reason. Therefore...Ryan, prepare to go through an obstacle course which will possibly include jumping into a pool with some liquid not meant to be used for swimming, dressing up like a complete tool and explaining your dress incompetently, engaging in a game that has only slightly veiled sexual innuendos, and proving that nothing says love like showing me how absolutely ridiculous you can be. Of course, that last one is totally acceptable. :) I guess they're trying to take being a "fool" for love to an entirely new and never intended level.