The list for the split between JV and varsity was posted today, and to no surprise of my own, I am on the reserve team. Unlike last year, we were given the choice to go talk to Coach; last year we found out which team we were on by individual meetings that lasted forever. I chose not to go to Coach. I didn't want to hear that it's about my knee. I was given that excuse last year, and I didn't want to hear it again, even if it is the case. I guess I also want to believe that that is the only reason I was put on reserve. So that when I heal from this, I can trust I'll be on varsity. Of course, that's not really safe; I'm going to get my hopes up before every varsity game thinking I might be on the list. Then get bummed real bad every time my name isn't there. Such was the case last season. Anyway, I told one of my friends that it sucks to get what you expected but not what you wanted. I've been down about my knee - another injury to hold me back, another reason for me not to play. When do I have enough reason to quit?
At the beginning of the summer, I was bound and determined to work my butt off and come to preseason ready to play, ready to show that I do belong on varsity. Instead I came into preseason hurt, out of shape from being sidelined, and incapable of playing. And all I can think is that I might have made a mistake. Maybe I should have never had surgery to keep playing; maybe God doesn't want me to play. Maybe I'm being stubborn by still playing after these injuries, thinking I have to keep going.
But I want to be able to say I played all four years of college soccer. I want to be able to say that I kept going, despite having these obstacles. I want to be able to say that I played with the Union University women's soccer team in the first four years of the program: That as the first player to sign, I was one of the last to leave.
But what will that mean? What will it mean if I'm not doing God's will? What if I am? And how do I know?
My sister asked me a great question: If I had known I would have to go through all the injuries, all the disappointments, everything I've had to go through from being on the soccer team...would I still have done it? I answered that I would. I wouldn't trade the friendships of any of the girls for anything. And I've learned a lot from going through this stuff. I know that it's a part of learning who I am, what I'm capable of. She also asked me if I'd felt like I'd missed anything because of being on the team. I don't feel like I have. I feel like I would have missed out on so much by not being a part of the team.
Another thing I keep thinking is that I have only one more year left. After this one, of course. I mean that I only have one year to work hard in the summer, come in for preseason, and give Coach cause to put my name on the varsity list the first time around. Because I know I can do that. That is, if I don't get some other random injury or stupid syndrome that hinders me from being the player I can be.
But I'm still going to fight this year. I'm going to work hard and try to gain a spot on the varsity roster for at least three games. Maybe more. That's my goal. As many varsity games as possible. I have to keep believing that I belong there. I have to be stubborn in not giving up. I have to keep running even after it feels like I can't do any more.
And I have to keep praying to God and ask Him to tell me if I'm doing the right thing.