Try

It's not easy
Stepping out
Stepping up
Bring us together

There are wrongs
In and out
But don't mistake me
There are rights

What to say
And what to do
They all elude me
Clouded mind

You say what you will
But, oh, what you have
And now - what you do
What is there left

Not a choice
No way to abolish
Take up your torch
Bear it as you can

So much to fix
Too much to know
And where to start
Only God knows

But - we can try
Start it slow
Build it through trial
Do something - anything

Letting it slide
Waiting for self-resolution
Is simply asking for
Implosion eventual

So here I stand
Asking you to try
I don't know what else to do
When you sit idly by

The Best Friend

When I was really young, I would sometimes wish for a friend that didn't talk. All he or she would do would be to listen to what I had to say, without interrupting me. I wanted someone to hear my thoughts; I could talk and talk and never stop. Now, I was a pretty quiet kid. I didn't talk as much as my brother, who could never seem to shut up. Lol. We've kind of switched now, but that's how it was back then. I guess I just had all this stuff to say that I didn't think people would understand or want to hear, so I held back and restrained my words.

These days, I don't wish for that. That would be boring. I could talk to myself all day long, but where would that get me? I realize now how that wish was a little ridiculous, but, come on - I was just a kid! Sometimes I still feel like a kid, though. Sometimes I remember that time and wonder what that would be like. Things get to accumulating in my head, and I want to just ramble on about everything that flits through my mind. Writing it takes too long - not if I want to get it all down. And it's not that I just want to get it out; I actually want people to hear it. I doubt that it would make much sense, though. Sorry...like I always do, I am digressing. I will continue on my original path now...

Now my desire is to have a friend that shares his/her life with me. It's a mutual thing; it's not just me talking about what's going on in my life. I want to hear about the other person's life, too. And, thankfully, I have at least one friend with whom that happens. Which is great. However, we don't have the chance to spend a lot of time together, and we miss out on a lot in each other's lives. As a result, it's not an ideal situation.

But what if there is someone who can be the perfect best friend? Someone who has seen everything you've been through, and is there in every moment of your life? Someone who can read your mind - even better than you can? If you haven't figured out who I'm talking about, I'm talking about Jesus.

When you meet new people and become friends with them, no matter how close you get to them there are pieces of your life that they just haven't shared with you. They may know about your past, but it's what you've told them, not what they've been through with you. They didn't truly see the effect things had on you, how different you used to be. How different you are now. I've found myself wishing that some of my newer friends could have seen me before - before I got to college, before I grew up in a way, before I was this damaged. I wonder how they would look at me now if they knew my past. Would it change anything? I don't know. But I wonder.

There are moments in your life when you experience ultimate joy or depressing sadness, and you wish that your best friend was there to share it with you or help you through. Describing it to them later just doesn't cut it. They had to have been there.

Jesus was there in my past. He is here in my present. And, of course, He'll be there in my future. He has seen everything I've been through and knows how it affected me - much better than I myself understand. Every moment of every day, He is here. Countless times I take this for granted. I take it for granted more than I even think about it. Honestly, I think I don't get it. I can't really grasp the idea of Him being by my side constantly. Can you? The only experience we have with someone "being there" is with people who come and go; we can't comprehend an eternal presence beside and inside us. It's beyond our understanding.

On to another part of this: When I was having a hard time last semester, I shut myself off from basically everybody. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to and didn't really feel like talking to anyone. Because of that, I felt as though I didn't have any friends. Then I would think, "I have God." But that thought actually did nothing but make me sad. Why? Because I wanted someone who would also talk to me and tell me about themselves. Sure, I could talk to God all day, but I didn't believe I would get a response. I didn't expect to. That was my mistake.

God does respond. And He does tell us about Himself...if we listen. I have to confess that I still am VERY inexperienced in this area and have no clue how to go about it. I just know that it happens. I thought God couldn't be my "best friend" because He wouldn't share Himself with me, but I was oh so wrong! We go through hard times in life, because we have to learn to lean on Him. When we do so, He brings us close to His heart and shows us the lesson in the fire. He gives us a way to grow and mature - in Him. Jesus has been on this earth, and He knows how it is. Why do we continuously forget that? I know I do. One more thing I take for granted, among so many others. He does share Himself with us, because He shows us how limitless His mercy, grace, and love are.

So, in essence: Jesus is the perfect best friend. He is perfect, after all. And, of course, there is that little fact that...

He is God.

One of the Best Weekends EVER!

How glad am I that I decided to be in the Variety Show? Pretty dang glad. Haha. I'm also very glad that Jen helped me get backup singers/dancers! I'm almost positive I wouldn't have won without them. Seriously. I had so much fun; I felt like I hadn't performed in forever, and I keep forgetting how much I love it. There is a complete difference between performing someone else's song and performing your own or even just playing guitar. I like playing the guitar, because it gives me something to do with my hands. Haha. Without the guitar, though, I get to let loose. And wearing a dress most people would never imagine me wearing? Yeah, I'm a different person. But still entirely me, if not more than usual. Make sense? It's another side of me that doesn't get out often. ;) It was really funny afterwards when people said things like, "You didn't tell me you could sing!" Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself properly: "Hi, I'm Daron! I can sing and love to do it. What's your name?" Lol. I will try to stop neglecting to mention that fact whenever I meet someone new. One of my friends about died when she saw me before the show. She was laughing. I believe it was a shocked kind of laughing, like she didn't know what else to do and couldn't believe it was me. It was pretty funny. I know about 90% or 95% of the Union community has never seen me with makeup on, much less with such a dress on - so I'm sure it was a shock for those who know me. Anyway, it was a blast and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Not so much makeup next time, though.

Saturday was a slow day; one of those good slow days when you can just chill. Last week felt so hectic and I was feeling the need for spring break, so Saturday was a good slow down day. That night we had a softball game, which we actually won! I don't know what happened; I mean, we were actually hitting! Haha. We ended up killing the other team 22-5. Harsh, I know. We scored 17 points in one inning! It was crazy. Everybody on the team was like, what the heck is going on? We're really hitting the ball and scoring! Of course, there were many fielding errors on the part of the other team, so we can't take all the credit. I'm going to stop, cause I don't want to sound mean or something. Oh, yeah...I slept in until 12:30, and I felt AMAZING. Finally, I felt entirely rested for the first time in a long time.

Yesterday - Sunday - was a good day. I went to church, made lunch, hung out outside, wrote my YoungLife talk for today, hung out in the commons, then went back to the room to get ready to go to the FLYLEAF CONCERT! I bought tickets for Brittany's birthday, which was last Monday. They played at Newby's in Memphis. It was quite an experience. Haha. I've never been around that many people with beer; I've never been around more than like three people with beer. Lol. And cigarettes. Oh, man - Brittany and I wanted to punch this one girl who was smoking...and looked about eight months pregnant. I coulda smacked her so hard. And her boyfriend/maybe husband was looking stupid with his shirt off - not that he was the only one. Also, there was almost a fight that went down like right in front of us. Evidently one guy didn't like getting involved in a mosh pit. There was never a hardcore mosh pit; it was just a small group pushing each other around. I thought about jumping in, but I decided not to. ;) Brittany and I both had beer spilled on us, which was definitely unpleasant. Besides all that, it was AWESOME!!! There were four bands that played, with a half hour in-between each one to change sets. It went from seven until eleven; we were standing the whole time. The first band was Resident Hero, who was the only unsigned band on the tour. They were pretty good. Next came Fair to Midland, whose lead singer either was or just acted like he was high. Half the time he would kind of stand there looking like he was lost, and the other half of the time he looked like he was having seisures and convulsions on stage. I didn't really care for them as much, and it wasn't because the lead singer was crazy. After them, Skillet came on. Now, I've heard of Skillet, and I'm sure I've heard their music, but I loved them! I thought it was so sweet that they had girls on the drums and a guitar. The lead singer looked pretty good, too. ;) I'm going to have to get hold of their stuff now...

Finally, Flyleaf came on! Oh, man. I can't even describe it. I have never been to a rock concert - not a real one. You know, I've heard Christian rock bands at youth retreats and stuff. This was entirely different. One difference was the fact that the sound was absolutely deafening; I'm still struggling to hear in my left ear. Haha. It was just...so cool. Lol. I really can't explain it; you just had to be there. What made it even better was the fact that Flyleaf (and Skillet) is a Christian band; it was surreal that they were in this place filled with people drinking, smoking, and possibly doing drugs. They get in these places that so many conservative Christians condemn as hellholes and won't touch. I'm not saying that we should all go on bar ministries. But I will elaborate...

There is this opinion voiced by some conservative Christians who believe that the only truly Christian music is gospel music. I'm not bashing gospel; I honestly don't care much for gospel. Anyway, they believe contemporary Christian music to be something from the devil or say that it doesn't belong in the church. Think about those people that won't come within five miles of a church, yet go to concerts religiously. How can they be reached with the Good News? We have an obligation to reach out to unbelievers and show them our faith; what better way to do that than through music? If you don't like Christian rock, don't listen to it! Don't go judging the Christians in the band or the ones who listen to them. It's not sacreligious to have drums, basses, or electric guitars with the Christian message. It's another ministry that is doing so much more than we know. Sorry, I found a soapbox to jump up on, and I'll stop now.

After the concert, we drove back to Jackson and ate at Steak and Shake, because we hadn't eaten since lunch. It was so much fun to spend that much time with Brittany; it doesn't happen very often. I got into bed a little after two. I thought about taking a shower before I went to bed, but I'd already taken two that day. I definitely got up earlier today in order to take one; I smelled like smoke and a little beer. I ain't putting up with that. The smoking pregnant girl's boyfriend/whoever turned around at one point and accidently blew smoke directly in my face. I gave him a face like, "Excuse me! What the heck do you think you're doing?" That's what it said. Lol. I waved my hand in front of my face, and he mouthed something that could have been, "I'm sorry." The music was going on, so there was no chance of me hearing him unless he put his mouth to my ear and yelled, which is what Brittany and I had to do. And we still couldn't hear each other most of the time! Still one of the greatest events of my life...

So, that about wraps it up. It's Monday, and there are FIVE DAYS until SPRING BREAK!!!! WOOHOO! I'm excited. This is the best I've felt on a Monday in a while; it's because I'm still floating on the cloud from last night, and spring break is so close I can taste it. Mmmm...

Spring break tastes good.

A Good Half Week

It started on Thursday when I sang at Moe's for Moe's Union Night. It felt like I hadn't performed in forever! I was just the tiniest bit nervous - as I always get when I sing my original stuff on the guitar. Even though my throat was a little messed up (sinus infection that started), I did well. It was fun, and the completely relaxed atmosphere was awesome. There were a lot of people there, several of which were only there for me - how special did I feel! Thank you so much to everyone who came!!

Friday night some of us cooked dinner in the commons and had a sweet meal. Some time later another group of us took a walk to Sonic, taking some pictures along the way. That was interesting. Lol.

Then yesterday, the weather was pretty great. Several of us went outside and messed around - playing basketball, throwing softballs and a football, breaking windows... Okay, just one window. And it wasn't me. And we told commons, so it's okay. Haha. We also had a soccer game that - even though we lost - went pretty well. Everyone still has to work on conditioning; especially considering we have fitness tests in ONE WEEK. I'm....gonna die. I mean, I am SO messed. Anyway, we played a really good club team from Canadia (yes, I know I spelled it wrong) and lost three to one. I have this huge strawberry on the outside of my right thigh from sliding; it's a serious strawberry. I also have a few new bruises, as well as a devastating rejuvenation to a week-old one. Right after the game I rushed to the locker room to change then went back to the dorm to begin getting ready for the Swing dance, courtesy of Union SAC. Mind you, the game ended at 7:15, and the dance started at 8:00. I got ready fairly quickly, and we all (Emily, LJ, me, and our dates) got to the dance around 8:30. I ended up going with Emily's brother, Cooper. That was so much fun. LJ told me that I was no longer allowed to skip out of our dance parties and park on the couch, because I could dance. I wouldn't bank on it... We all had a blast and had good dates. Haha. Afterwards we went to Steak and Shake, cause I hadn't eaten anything since lunch. I was a little hungry.

Those were the high points. There were other things that happened - good, bad, in-between. Aren't there always? There are. Which is why we have to hold on to the good things and appreciate them. I have so much to be thankful for in the last few days than I've even come close to touching on in this blog. How is it so easy to forget how things could be when we get down? Maybe we just want to dwell on what's going wrong. That is so easy to do. I guess it could actually be considered easier than trying to focus on what has gone right. Maybe we're all pessimists at heart; I know I basically am.

But I am thankful. I am thankful for people who care about me. I am thankful for the gifts I have been given. I am thankful for the opportunities to use them. I am thankful for random plans. I am thankful for every friend I have. I am thankful for every friend I've lost. I am thankful for reconciliation. I am thankful for full disclosure. I am thankful for every person in my family. I am thankful for my family's willingness to support me in anything and everything. I am thankful for breathing. I am thankful for living - and I wonder how I could ever question its value.

Thank God.

"Blue Like Jazz" Love

I have been reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. Absolutely amazing. If you haven't read it and/or heard of it, it is a series of essays on different topics concerning Christian faith. Miller is so candid and unreserved about everything; he does not hold back. (Yes, I am promoting it. READ IT.) I just finished one essay he wrote on love, "How To Really Love Other People." He talks about how it used to bother him that churches seemed to exclude and judge people who didn't fit in - those who didn't live right or weren't Christians or believed the "wrong things." He was attending this alumni social at a college, and the speaker, Greg Spencer, talked about relationships and the metaphors we use in talking about them. Spencer asked the crowd for phrases we use referring to relationships. As the crowd called out things and Spencer wrote them down, Miller began to realize that all of the metaphors being used were economic metaphors. Miller goes on to say:

And that's when it hit me like so much epiphany getting dislodged from my arteries. The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money. Professor Spencer was right, and not only was he right, I felt as though he had cured me, as though he had let me out of my cage. I could see it very clearly. If somebody is doing something for us, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity, or what have you, we feel they have value, we feel they are worth something to us, and, perhaps, we feel they are priceless. I could see it so clearly, and I could feel it in the pages of my life. This was the thing that had smelled so rotten all these years. I used love like money. The church used love like money. With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed the ones who did. The next few days unfolded in a thick line of melancholy thought and introspection. I used love like money, but love doesn't work like money. It is not a commodity. When we barter with it, we all lose. When the church does not love its enemies, it fuels their rage. It makes them hate us more. ... I replaced economic metaphor, in my mind, with something different, a free gift metaphor or a magnet metaphor. That is, instead of withholding love to change somebody, I poured it on, lavishly. I hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people from the mire and toward healing. I knew this was the way God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson. Here is something very simple about relationships that Spencer helped me discover: Nobody will listen to you unless they sense that you like them. If a person senses taht you do not like them, that you do not approve of their existence, then your religion and your political ideas will all seem wrong to them. If they sense that you like them, then they are open to what you have to say.

That is my favorite part so far. We show our disapproval of others, trying to change them. That's why we hear of people rejecting Christianity because they despise Christians; when Christians show nothing but loathing for them, how can we expect them to respond to the Gospel with such representatives? Why would they want to be part of a group that shows nothing but disdain for them? We must love them - unconditionally - in order to win them. My favorite Bible verse is 1 Corinthians 9:19 - "Though I am free from all men, I make myself a servant unto all, that I might win the more." We must respect them. We must truly be Christ-like, loving everyone. It is our responsibility as Christians to love others, especially enemies. Loving them means not judging them. What right do we have to judge anyone? As a Christian, I know the truth, but that does not make me better than a nonbeliever. I do not have a right to be proud. I could be in their position; I was in their position. It is only by the grace of God that I am alive today and alive in Him.