The Idea of Being

I was trying to fall asleep just a couple of minutes ago, when I started to think about the idea of being. By that I mean we as people being who we are - whomever that may be. My thoughts mainly focused around the idea of pigeonholing people. We like to think we have particular people figured out. For instance, I would love to say that I have completely figured out my husband. I believe I do know him quite well, but I could never know exactly who he is. And I wouldn't want to.

How could I not know after fifty years of marriage (when that comes) who precisely my husband is? It keeps changing. Yes, he constantly changes his mind, but I mean that who he is is always changing, influenced by education, interactions, experiences, opportunities, all of that. Furthermore, I'll still be discovering things about myself fifty years down the road; there's no way I could have both him and me figured out at any point in life.

Being in a counseling program requires that you learn a lot about yourself, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. It's been really easy for me to focus on the negative things I have learned, especially since I'm trying to improve my weaknesses as a counselor. Lately, however, I've noticed more positive things. I'm discovering new things about myself that have me a little excited - and surprised. It's not that these new things are so exciting in themselves; it's that I'm understanding myself better and seeing more clearly who I am. And who I am is someone who likes to know people

As I said above, we like to think we have particular people figured out. Whether it's the elderly church lady you've known for twenty years or the guy down the street that was arrested for drug possession, we think we know what to expect out of people. It's easier that way, isn't it? If we know who they are, we don't have to make an effort to change that perception. It's easy to put people in a box and throw away the key, because jumping in the box with them is just too damn scary.

The excitement I'm feeling about discovering new things about myself is worth the pain of finding out things I don't like. Thinking that I'm one thing and finding out I'm something else entirely is scary. I've certainly ran away from discovering things about myself before, and I'm absolutely sure that I'm not alone in that.

But I love being surprised. I love it when someone reveals something new about themselves to me. I love finding out that my perception was wrong. Yes, it can be difficult and disorienting, but to me it's worth the price of getting to know people.

I've always had this desire to blow people's minds. I want to show you who I am, but I really want to show you that I'm not who you think I am. I'm different. I'm someone who thinks everyone is different. I'm someone who relishes that idea and can't wait to see more of it. I'm the person that will punch through the walls of your box if I have to - if you'll let me - and let the light in. I want to see you.

Hello, New Blogger Interface

This is interesting. I like it. I'm sure there are a ton of Blogger people out there complaining about the changes, just like the Twitter or Facebook people do when either of those sites change things up. I find it somewhat amusing. Yes, sometimes things change for the worse, or it becomes incredibly difficult to find the button to do that thing you did just yesterday - but they're working on it. If they had never changed, we'd be complaining about that, too. We like being comfortable, but we also like the newest and coolest stuff.

Speaking of new things... A good friend of mine just told me about ohlife, which is this site that sends you an email each day asking "How was your day?" When you reply, it saves your reply as a journal entry. Obviously, this is not posted in a public forum; only you see these entries. You can have it send the email weekly, if you'd rather. My friend said that her sister used it with her new baby, which is just the greatest idea ever. I've thought about (when we have kids) taking a picture of the baby each day for at least a year. How crazy would it be to see the daily progress of your baby growing?? Plus, you can add photos to these entries, which would allow you to do something like that AND write about it. Sweet. I love it. Now I want kids even more than I already did. ;)

Btw, that link up there (and here - ohlife) is just for you. :)

Calm Before the Storm

So, my classes start back up tomorrow. I've really enjoyed having the last couple of weeks off, especially after that crazy five week semester with two classes. NEVER doing that again. I have never been that stressed about anything for that long. The classes were great, though; I loved both of my professors and learned a lot. That, at least, helped with the stress.

I'm looking forward to my classes for the semester. I have a family therapy class, Clinical Techniques, and Human Sexuality. This should be fun. Clinical is bound to be my most work-intensive class, what with all the tapes and case conceptualizations I'll be turning in. However, I'm expecting to learn a lot about myself as a counselor, which is both exciting and a little terrifying. We've been practicing, you know, with fellow students and role plays, but I know there's so much more to it than just discovering covered issues - it's actually dealing with them and working to improve them. We haven't done a whole lot of that yet. That's the part I'm most scared of but also most interested in. Yes, we can find problems - but our purpose as counselors is to help people with those problems, not to just find new ones or deeper explanations for already acknowledged ones. It's like one of my favorite lines from Grey's Anatomy from Christina: "You know, being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things."

I have always been good at finding problems. That's not a bad thing, especially in certain situations. Nevertheless, finding those problems is useless unless something is actually done about them. Okay, you found it - now do something to fix it. I often get so immersed in finding the problem that I forget to find the solution. Sometimes, it's laziness. I find it easy to think someone else will deal with it. This is often because I think of all the ways I'm not equipped to deal with it. So I stop at finding the problem, talk to someone about it, then pray it goes away or gets fixed. If you haven't figured it out by now, that's a not-so-successful way to go about things.

Now, I just recently figured out the above problem with myself. The thing is, now I have to do something about it. Whoa. Now that I have a clearer picture of how I react to issues, I have to start DOING something to change it. This will take a while (as serious change always does), but it's something I know is worth working for.

Why Do I Ramble?

I said I wouldn't have time to blog, but here I am blogging. Deal with it.

I ramble like a madman sometimes. Oftentimes. How is "oftentimes" a word? I don't know, but I kind of like it.

Okay, so I don't ramble like that very often. That was what was running through my head, though, just to give you an idea of what it's like up there. If I'm ever sitting anywhere and giggle a little, I can guarantee you that 80% of the time it has nothing to do with anything going on around me. Or it may have started there but went down the rabbit hole to a completely different topic. My point is I have very random thoughts that just make me giggle with no warning regardless of the situation. If I somehow became a homeless person, I would be the one staring at the sidewalk giggling and talking to myself about complete nonsense. I do that sometimes now, and I'm definitely not homeless.

Sometimes I post things that make me laugh. These are things that I made up and thought made sense and were funny. Apparently, however, sometimes they don't make sense. Prime example: I posted a status that said something to the effect of, "This week is crawling by so slowly. Look, Tuesday just went out the door." Some background on this: It was Wednesday. When my husband got home, he asked what I was talking about on the status. I said, "It's literally crawling by! Tuesday just got out the door! It's Wednesday!! Don't you get it?!" He did not. At least, he didn't appreciate the humor.

I have a silly and random sense of humor. I find things like this hysterically funny. Also, I love Cake Wrecks. My husband just doesn't get it sometimes. He looks at me like I've lost all sense of reason. However, I should point out that he still thinks it's funny when I fart. All I have to say to that is: boys.

So...I honestly forgot what I was talking about. Now that I look at the title, it mentions rambling. Ah, yes. Now, I used to follow my train of thought quite a bit. I was fascinated by how I got from one subject to the next, because they would normally be completely unrelated. Once I followed that train, I discovered that it made perfect sense. To me, anyway. I connect random things. I don't do the following thing very often anymore; it probably lost its glitz and glamour. Or maybe the fact that it had glitz and glamour in the first place is what convinced me to give it up. I'm a tomboy. Regardless, I can switch subjects pretty quickly if I get 2 seconds to be distracted and hitch a ride on the train.

Talking runs in my family (*cough*Mama Jo*cough*), even though I walked before I talked and apparently never stopped moving as a child. The talking came later, probably somewhere in college. Of course, I still tend to keep quiet - until I get a pen or keyboard. Then I can't shut up.

Speaking of, I need to shut up now, because I have to run to class. Not literally run, I'm not late yet. Which reminds me, I need to get back to running...

So Much For Earlier Promises

I said I would try to blog more, and here I've skipped another two weeks or so. Oops. Furthermore, it seems as though I will have no time to spare in the next five weeks. Great.

I started one of my summer session classes today. I'm taking two classes in this five-week session. Each week I will have almost 17 hours of classes. I'm not sure what my other class looks like yet, but my first one alone is formidable. I knew there would be quite a bit of work, and thank God the professor actually cut down the normal load, but seeing it on paper was totally different. My other class shouldn't be AS bad, but we'll just have to see. Plus I'm doing part-time work, AND we're moving August 1. No free time for me until August 12.

Regardless of all that, this class will be interesting. It's Multicultural Counseling. Being from a small town in West Tennessee, I haven't had much exposure to other cultures. Therefore I look forward to learning a lot in this class. Of course, that involves a lot of reading and writing and discussion. Yay.

Anyway, I'm hoping some day I will indeed hold to my earlier claim that I would blog more. It's just probably almost definitely not happening in the next five weeks.

I'm a Slacker

Obviously, I've been a little busy. And a little lazy. And quite forgetful. I just haven't thought about blogging in a while. Because of school, summer, getting a small job, being married, and getting ready to move...yeah, not a lot of time to even think about blogging.

As for what's going on at the moment, my husband and I (by the way, still getting used to calling him that, but loving it) are planning a move to downtown Memphis. The primary reason is that my husband is starting law school this fall, and staying where we are would mean a forty minute drive every weekday. Can you say "Save money?" We were both a little nervous about living downtown, since it's quite different than anywhere else either of us has ever lived. Much more metropolitan than Akron, Ohio, or Huntingdon, Tennessee, for sure. However, we've been getting more and more excited about it and even wish we could just move there now. We love good restaurants, and while Cordova has a few, there are a lot of chains around. We prefer the smaller, locally owned places. Downtown is full of them. Chains are few and far between in the area (if only there was a Chik-fil-A...). Also, living on South Main Street means being able to walk to the majority of the places we want to frequent. Score!

Of course, Ryan starting law school means he probably won't have a ton of time to be walking all over downtown Memphis with me. I'm a little concerned with how busy we're both going to be come this fall and falling over into the spring. I'm going into my second year of my Master's program, so I'll have plenty on my plate, plus some part time work. Nevertheless, I believe we can get through just fine. I just have a feeling it won't be easy - actually, I essentially know that. Still - we'll be fine. :)

It's late - something I would not have said three years ago while still an undergrad - and I don't have much else to say at the moment. I can think of a few things, but I'll have to make note of them and write about them later. I'm considering changing my blog name, although the "random" part will still greatly apply. I want to write about more types of things, such as movies and music. And maybe even political stuff, although I'm afraid I would be an ignorant blogger in that subject. After I went to Girls State back in high school (give me a "Woot! Woot!" if you have any idea what that is), I had a much bigger interest in politics. I didn't care much before then. It dwindled and I lost track for a while, but my husband brought it back even stronger. Dare I say - I have become...a liberal. GASP! I have never claimed a party, and really I still don't plan on it; however, I cannot deny my leanings. I guess I can just blame my husband for making me stray for my small-town Tennessee roots. ;) Although, truly, not every small town Tennesseean is a conservative. I am aware. I just find it amusing in my own weird way. It's funny how you continuously find out things about yourself - whether they're changes or not.

Well, I said I didn't have much to say, and I rambled for another twenty sentences. Shocker. Typical me. Anyway, goodnight! I'll be back soon - I hope.

Just Some Research

So here I am, doing research for my Theories of Counseling research paper, and I find a gem from Albert Ellis.  Ellis is the creator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), my current top theory of choice.  His big thing is "musturbation" - and no, you did not read that wrong.  It is mUsturbation.  That is changing everything from "I should, I can, I will try, etc" (rational beliefs) into " I must" (irrational beliefs).  These irrational beliefs are what we all have to some extent, and the underlying cause of dysfunction.

Anyway!  Long story short, I am using this theory in my paper, and of course found some stuff written by Ellis - Mr. REBT himself.  I'm just reading along about musturbation, scrunching my brows, when all of a sudden I run across this:

Take it out of your head and heart, where it tends to wreak havoc, and stick it up your rear end, where it more properly belongs. Did I say, “Stick your musturbation up your ass?” Yes, I clearly did.

AWESOME!!  I had to laugh out loud at that.  Now, at the time that he wrote the article I got that quote from, the guy was 84.  84!  That is impressive.  And totally gives him the right to put "stick it up your ass" in an article.

Now I'm just liking his theory even more...

What I'm Learning from Counseling

And by counseling, I mean being in grad school to become a counselor.  Actually, I am technically being counseled as well, since we counsel each other in order to practice and work on our counseling skills. 

The end of my first semester of grad school is almost here - almost exactly a month away at this point.  Kinda crazy.  I am really enjoying it so far; it's difficult, as grad school should be, but I love the stuff I'm learning.  To me, one of the best things about what we learn is that it can be used beyond just our careers.  The basic foundation of counseling is listening - a very important and useful everyday skill that everyone should possess but way too often gets overlooked.  Another big skill you need to have as a counselor is unconditional acceptance of your client.  This is not just "being okay" with who they are but also showing them that you fully accept them.  Both of these pieces of counseling have been researched and shown to be very effective in creating the intimate and trusting relationship needed for therapy.

So why do they get skipped in everyday life?  Everyone wants to be accepted and understood, yet it is so easy to only expect it for ourselves and not give it to others.  We can be so selfish in this.  All it takes is focusing on another person and truly hearing what they have to say and accepting it.  Each person has their own perception of reality that is constructed by the environment they grew up in and the people around them, but we like to act like people are either for us or against us - there's no gray parts.  There is no room for different beliefs, different ideas of what it means to be "right" or "good."  You don't know where someone else is coming from until you actually listen and then accept how they see things.  It doesn't mean to conform to everyone around you - it means to be empathic.  Empathy is diving into someone else's world, trying to see things from their side but not getting so caught up in it that you lose yourself. 

It's so hard not to judge people and think they're just ridiculous for doing what they did (whatever that may be), but it would be so much better if we tried to take a step back and listen to where they are.  It can be so simple.  But when have we learned this?  From whom would we have learned that there are other points of view, that everyone is not going to be like you, and that you should take the time to find out about that and appreciate the fact that life is made infinitely more interesting and vibrant by the differences in people? 

I get frustrated by the lack of listening and acceptance in the world (particularly in politics, but I won't even go there).  However, I am glad that I get the chance to be at least one person in someone's life that takes the time to listen to his or her story and accept the way he or she sees things.  Because we all need that.  And we all deserve it.

It's Been a While...

I keep debating whether or not I should even try to keep up with this blog.  Especially within the last year or so, I've been very neglectful and will go months without writing a thing.  I feel a little bad about it, but most of the time it completely slips my mind until I remember it.  Then I can't think of anything to write or don't feel like I have enough time to devote because (obviously) I tend to ramble for quite some time with no clear purpose. 

ANYWAY, a lot of things have changed in my life recently.  I got married just over two months ago, I started graduate school a little after that, and I'm in a new town.  Well, city, I guess.  The combination of new things is going well so far.  Graduate school is very interesting (for the most part) but takes up quite a bit of time.  I knew it would be different from undergrad, and those differences are pretty much what I expected: more work, but more intriguing.  With undergrad you have all those core classes that you care nothing about; with grad school it's all related to information you want to know.  I do have one class I find extremely boring, but it's mainly because I already learned it in undergrad (hats off to Blalack) and the professor tends to digress and ramble.  It's probably what I would do as a professor, which is not a good thing.  Practicing counseling can be so nerve wracking.  You're trying to truly listen to your client while thinking, "Should I ask about that?  What does that mean?  What do I say when he or she stops talking?  What's going on here??"  If only we could just go with empathic listening and help people with that.  Actually, we found out that only 15% of the success of therapy is determined by what the counselor actually does as far as therapy.  The rest is the therapeutic relationship, having someone listen, that kind of stuff.  That takes the pressure off a little bit, because it means (to me) that I only have 15% in which to do damage.  ;)

Being married is fun.  It's difficult, but it's fun.  I say it's difficult because it's entirely different than before I was married.  You have another person to consider when you're planning your life.  Real life gets in the way of spending time together, and spending time together can get in the way of real life (which obviously causes problems for me being in grad school).  The fun part comes when you come home to someone, you always have someone to do things with, all that good stuff.  Plus, planning your life together is fun - it's just a little more complicated than it would be with just yourself to worry about. 

Wow.  I didn't even get that far and I'm running out of juice.  Maybe it won't be that long before I post again - but you never know.

Why I'm an Oxymoron

When I first started this blog, it was my freshman year of college at Union.  I don't recall exactly what led me to start a blog; I believe my sister had one at the time and I thought, you know, I wouldn't mind letting people know some of my thoughts and what's going on in my life.  I've had a prayer journal for over ten years now, and I have also occasionally kept other journals with random entries and never regularly.  It's great to look back at my journals and see where I was at that time and what I was focused on or worried about.  It's also amusing, apparently, because when my fiance read some of old journal entries (I mean like 15 years ago old) he found it very amusing when I wrote about some guy stalking me that I did NOT like.  Yes, I was eight.  Yes, I remember that - that kid was creepy. 

Anyway, I've found a blog to be a conundrum.  Often I have gone months without writing a thing, because I cannot think of what to write.  Well, I can think of things to write about, but I find that I am afraid to post some things.  Like, poetry that is depressing (which is honestly about the only kind I write) or my opinions on certain political issues.  Why am I afraid, you may ask?

Because I don't want to disappoint you.

I'm big on disappointment.  I hate being disappointed, although I believe I am doing better at that.  I loathe the idea of being a disappointment, of being less than you think I am.  I keep things to myself because it's easier than having you misunderstand or judge me for it.  I was raised to worry about what people think, and as much as I try to deny that I do - I do.  Big time.  The standards I set up for myself often have more to do with others than me or God, and those standards are high.  Which means I often fall short of them.  Which means I am often disappointed with myself.  I am my toughest critic, by far. 

As for the reason I am an oxymoron...

I revel in not being what people expect.  I love shaking up expectations, throwing people off, showing a side they didn't think existed.  Maybe it's a joy in showing people that they don't know me as well as they thought they did.  I want to blow up stereotypes and throw down conventionality.  I want to be different, noteworthy, someone that sticks in your mind. 

Maybe everyone feels that way to some extent.  I don't believe myself to be alone in this clash of how to live my life.  These two ideas are not completely at odds, however.  I want to be different, yes, but who I am with different people changes - and that's where expectations come in.  Give me my conservative friends, and the conservative me appears, holding back certain thoughts that might offend or turn away.  Put me with my more liberal friends and I'll talk about anything - almost.  I have some friends that are quieter than others, with whom I become more outspoken; when spending time with those more boisterous, I recede somewhat and fade more into the background than the forefront. 

It makes me think of DID - dissociative identity disorder, or more commonly known as multiple personalities.  Fascinating stuff; read Sybil or watch "United States of Tara" if you ever get the chance.  The thing about the different personalities that someone with DID exhibits is that each personality is essentially a facet of that person's full personality.  The main focus of DID treatment is integration - integrating each separate personality into the full and true personality, which eventually becomes the whole person.  We each have varying facets of our personality that reveal themselves depending on the situation in which we find ourselves.  This is completely natural and I believe is actually a survival technique. 

I remember when I was getting ready to come to college, and I was so excited about the opportunity to meet an entirely new group of people that had no idea who I was, where I came from, or what kind of person I was.  I realized that as a result of this anonymity, I could be whoever I chose to be - more importantly, I could be the person I always was, the person that most people in my life didn't know because it might be disappointing.  Using that opportunity as best as I could, I made some incredible friends in college with whom I could be more myself than ever.  I found a (future) husband that is fully aware of who I am, probably more than anyone else in my life.  No, definitely more than anyone else.  And that is something worth fighting for.

So I want to be open about things, but I know that dropping all the walls more often than not leaves you more damaged than before.  I don't want to disappoint you, whoever you may be, but I want to be more than you expect.  There's so much I wish to say, but the need to meet your expectations overrides my desire to exceed them. 

Is it better not knowing?  I feel that if you know I hold things back from you that you will wonder what exactly those things are.  Maybe you'll just imagine the worst and throw it around in your mind until it becomes fact.  Trust me in this: I believe that I am protecting you.  I know how it is to be disappointed in someone, and how much pain that can cause. 

I don't mean to sound despairing, because I am not.  This is something I've thought over for years, the fight between being seen and being safe.  To end this lightly, I must say that I am so very thankful for Ryan, the man I waited for all my life, the man with whom I can be me. 

I'm so glad he is fine with my burping.  ;)

And for the Recap

Alright, the US pulled it together.  Major props.  Donovan brought them back with their first goal, then Bradley sunk in the equalizer.  Both fantastically placed goals.  The defense seemed to pick it up and Howard kept being awesome.

Now I have a problem with the ref.  He called fouls left and right, first mainly against the US (18 in all) then finally realized that Slovenia was pulling a few fouls (16 to be exact) themselves.  Then...THEN.  Then Edu came through on a free kick and sunk it in the goal...and he blows the whistle.  No problem...  Wait.  Against the US?  For what?!  The goal is disallowed, and they of course replay it over and over again because the commentators can't figure out what the heck happened.  Let's see...  You've got TWO US guys being full-on HUGGED by Slovenia defenders, Edu and everyone else ONSIDE, and NO FOULS FROM THE US SIDE.

SERIOUSLY?!       
As you might imagine, I was furious.  Where did that call come from?  There was no justification for it whatsoever, and you, Mr. Dumba** Ref, just cost US a goal, a win, and possibly a ticket to the next round.  

Congratulations.  

You're an idiot.

Now, as you can tell, I get fired up about stuff like this.  Namely, sports.  Namely soccer.  My fiance mocks me for it and doesn't understand when I start yelling at the screen that yes, I do realize they cannot hear me, and no, it doesn't matter that they can't.  I am passionate about my sport, and I am not ashamed of it.  Just wait till he sees me next year with the Women's World Cup...  We'll be married before then, so he'll just have to deal with it.  ;)

Regardless of whether the US continues or not, I'll keep watching.  I just love to see beautiful soccer played, no matter who's on the field.  I doubt Italy will repeat, but it's a distinct possibility.  Spain also has a good shot, as well as Brazil, as always.  I'd love for a smaller team to come through and win, and there's always a good chance of that.  After the US goes, I'm not sure who I'll go for.  I could go for Spain, I think.  They looked great in their opening game.  England might have a decent shot, but I can't take them seriously for some reason.  Maybe they'll surprise me.  They're definitely not hurting without Beckham.

We'll just see what happens.  And you'll probably read about it here, since I'm sure I can't refrain from it.

A Rant for You

I shall start off by saying that I never had high hopes for the US team in the World Cup.  The US men struggle to compete.  Their highest finish was 80 years ago, in third place.  They reached the quarterfinals in '02.  I believe we have the talent to get further and even win, but it's difficult for them to pull it together.  This year just seems to be a disaster.  The defense keeps falling apart and letting only halfway decent goals through.  Right now it's halftime at the Slovenia game, and they're down 2-0.  It's all because of defensive breakdowns, and it appears that Onyewu is the main culprit.  Talk, people!  Tim Howard, I feel sorry for you.  You're hurting but playing anyway, and I give you props for that, but you have no support from your back line.

I also have a problem with the team's style.  I've watched several teams play this week, and I was blown away by just how beautifully Spain and Italy play.  Their passing is just gorgeous!  Hardly a stray pass or bad touch - they just link passes together like...I have nothing to compare it to.  Then I watch US.  Ugh.  It's like passing was completely skipped in training.  They pass to other teams' players, empty space (with no one there), the sideline.  They try to push through with brute force, and, honestly, sometimes it works.  They just had ten chances within about four minutes, but none of them found the net.  Slovenia actually has a defensive line that acts like they know what they're doing.

I'm not against teams having different styles, but the US isn't making theirs work for them.  I give them about ten years before they figure it out.  Until then, I'd much prefer watching the US women team.  Which reminds me, NEXT YEAR!!  :D

(and by that I mean that next year is the FIFA Women's World Cup - hecka yeah)

And now back to the game that USA needs to get back to as well...

Doses of Optimism

I don't consider myself to be an optimist.  Sometimes I am, but it seems that I usually take the glass-half-empty view on things.  I found a website yesterday that is amazing.  Each little story makes me smile, and many have almost made me cry.

It is often said that humanity is declining, that true human kindness is a very rare thing.  I would like to disagree.  The world has definitely changed, but so much stays the same.  There will always be people who think only of themselves and what others can do for them, but there will also always be people who spend time with a mother who lost her son on Mother's Day, people who treat the handicapped just like anybody else, people who will take time out of their busy schedule to assist someone injured up a flight of stairs, people who will lay down their lives to help those they love.  Those people do exist, and we are surrounded by them.  We can be those people.

So remember that when you complain about how the world has gone to shit, you can do something about it.  Show kindness, exhibit love, give encouragement.  We don't do those things enough, and I am completely at fault for not doing my part.  This has nothing to do with being righteous or working your way to Heaven - even if you don't believe in God, this applies to you.  This is about the pursuit of happiness.  Not just your own, but others' as well.  Pursue someone else's happiness.  Isn't it worth a little embarrassment to see a smile on a stranger's face?

www.givesmehope.com

Utilizing My Options

I'm liking the new design setup, as you may be able to tell from the new look of my blog.  I'm loving the new blue, and I posted a new picture from last January's trip.  I believe this is either Dublin or London.  One or the other. 

Speaking of trips, we just came back from Tacoma and Vancouver.  Vancouver was pretty neat.  We went to Grouse Mountain and did some ziplining.  We missed out on the great views you usually get during that tour because it was so foggy, but it was pretty awesome to see nothing but the line in front of you - making you wonder if you'd be able to see the spring brake you're about to hit.  Thankfully, that always came into view in time.  There was a little bit of hiking thrown in that tour, but we did some serious hiking Saturday on the Rattlesnake Ledge trail.  Gorgeous view once you got to the top; nearly death-to-me hike to get there.  I have been jogging and/or speed walking on and off since soccer has been over, but no sprinting.  As a result, I nearly died.  I was fine for about half of the hike; I was in front and had a pretty quick pace going.  Then...we  took a break.  Which ended up almost breaking me.  I swear I was on a sugar rush before or something, because once we began hiking again, all energy was gone.  I had nothing.  Miracle of miracles, we finally got to the top.  I just laid on the ground and died for a minute.  Then I was fine.  Well, until the next day anyway.  Then I felt it. 

Speaking of dying, I miss soccer.  I've been missing soccer subconsciously for a while...well, ever since I finished up my senior year over a year and half ago.  In the past couple of days, though, it seems to have really hit me.  It could probably be blamed on the World Cup starting up.  I definitely listened to the South Africa-Mexico game online through ESPN.com.  I would have watched it if I thought our internet could handle the constant streaming and if I didn't have actual work to do.  Listening is so...banal.  Fortunately, I did get to see South Africa's goal.  GORGEOUS passing!  Wow.  I was in awe.  And it almost started in their back third - I have to give them major credit.  Perfect passing all around.  For some reason there wasn't video of Mexico's goal.  Anyway, back to me missing soccer...  I would love to play in an adult soccer league when we get to Memphis.  If I have the time, that is.  Jackson has one, I do believe, but I thought my time could be better utilized at this point.  Now I don't have time, for sure.  Work, wedding...nope.  I'm kind of afraid to get back in, though, honestly.  I had so much trouble with injuries all through college, and my knees feel totally jacked.  I don't trust my body to survive.  Haha.  I would LOVE to be in the shape I was when I played, although I'd rather lose weight than gain any.  I'm sure if I don't lift (so many) weights this time around, that'll happen. 

Speaking of losing weight, I am completely jealous of my fiance's ability to lose weight.  Guys do typically lose and gain weight faster than girls, so it's generally unfair.  I do have to be honest and admit that I haven't tried that hard to lose.  I had a plan to start working out a couple of weeks ago, then I wrecked my bike.  I couldn't walk without a limp, so I really didn't want to attempt running.  Monday I got some new shoelaces from Nike (proceeds go to AIDS assistance in Africa) and I plan to put them on my soccer cleats and then put those cleats back to use.  I want to just run around the soccer field at Union, messing around with a ball and maybe doing a few sprints.  I may run the cross-country track as well.

Speaking of running, I have to do that now. 

The incredible bruise! Well, part of it. The other part is on top of my leg.

Living Up to the Name

And by that I mean living up to the name of my blog.  Which, if you don't recall or are too lazy to scroll, is Random Daron.  Of course, I believe that I have always held up to that name, whether it was purposeful or not.  Most of the time my randomness just happens with no conscious effort on my part.  I think that's when the best writing happens, anyway - when it's effortless.  Often when I try to sit down and write a poem about something in particular, it comes out too forced and I hate it.  However, when I just get hit by the inspiration and let it go, it usually works out better. 

This week I have been practicing my cursive.  That means I have a couple of pages full of random sentences and words written in cursive sitting around my office.  When I went to address a few wedding invitation envelopes (for those who were moving soon and I wanted to catch), I discovered that my cursive had become appalling.  I have never been a big fan of my cursive; my print was always much neater.  My main issues lie in connecting the letters within words.  Sometimes my hand seems to take over completely and decide that instead of going from o to o, it should be o to l - or something that just doesn't fit in.  I think I'm already improving, although I still haven't decided exactly how beneficial this will be down the road.  Besides signing things, when do I ever use cursive writing?  And as for signatures, from my experience as a cashier I can tell you that a lot of people just scribble and call it a signature.  Sometimes I would just laugh at the stuff people put.  One guy used up about four inches for his signature - and it was just one big scribble.  No discernible letters at all.  How will this prevent fraud?  Just throw the pen around a piece of paper, and you have a signature!  When I was younger and believed that I had a chance to be a professional singer, I practiced my "official" signature.  I wanted to use my entire name, of course, and I was afraid that I would take too long to sign things.  I didn't want people to get impatient while waiting in line for my signature!  Haha. 

Speaking of signatures, I have been asked for mine twice.  And it was weird.  The last time was when I opened for the guy who won West Tennessee Idol like three years ago at Bethel.  Two little girls asked me - so cute!  I definitely felt so weird though.  I guess you would get used to it after signing a million things like that.  Ultimately, though, I wouldn't like all of the attention that comes with being famous.  Too many people all in your business and freaking out about what you wear, what you say, where you go, who you're with...  Meh! 

In case you haven't heard on FB, I wrecked my bicycle Tuesday night.  I'm healing fairly well I guess, although I called in sick to work yesterday.  I woke up and my entire upper body was insanely sore.  I had worked out Monday, and it was like that compounded with the wreck just hit me all at once.  Not fun.  I'm still sore today, but I do love the fantastic bruise on my leg around my knee.  It's intense.  Getting good bruises is one of the reasons I loved catching in softball.  You get a drop ball bouncing up and hitting the inside of your thigh, and you're bound to have a pretty purple bruise in a day or two.  It's fascinating.  And something to be proud of.  Getting bruises in soccer was also awesome.  Go in hard to tackle, come out with a great bruise.  Injuries aren't exactly fun, but then they kind of are.  I guess it's the true athlete in me that loves having a good injury - a few of which I have at the moment.  Scrapes on my elbow, wrist, face, leg...  Great. 

Another thing about injuries...  I am awful about picking at scabs.  Always have been.  So this is going to be a serious challenge for me.  I obviously don't want scars, and these scrapes need to heal quickly.  I've got a wedding, people!  We were planning on shooting some more engagement pictures this weekend, but after Tuesday's event, that wasn't going to happen.  Although we could shoot everything only from my right side and not show my leg...that could work.  Meh - too much effort.  Remember what I said about effort?? 

I got me some new glasses! Which of course means I had to wear them today.

One Hundred Days

Today is one hundred days from the wedding!  Woot woot!!  I'm excited.  Of course, I started thinking of all the things I still have to do as far as planning goes...but it will get done!  And anyway, if everything goes wrong in the wedding, as long as we both say our vows and the preacher announces us married, that's fine with me!  I mean, in the long run - I'll have to admit I'll be upset if everything else with the wedding goes wrong.  But later it could make for some really good stories.  I've also heard that you're not officially married until something goes horribly wrong.  Haha.  Funny, but a little nerve-inducing.  I would prefer for nothing to be set on fire and/or have someone have a seizure or something - the fainting thing is no biggie, unless it's me or Ryan. 

Despite being a tomboy, I am in many ways a typical female.  I have always wanted to get married.  However, I never really had a particular vision for my wedding.  I always knew I wanted it to be unique, different, and representative of me and the groom (whoever he would be).  I honestly looked forward more to the actual marriage part, rather than focusing on the wedding.  That is not to say that I haven't gotten caught up in the glamor of it all; I am (perhaps somewhat selfishly but generically) excited about having my own big day.  Even when eloping was brought up (as I firmly believe is done at least once with every engaged couple), the thought of not wearing the wedding dress I'd already picked out made me sad.  When that happened, I thought, "Who is this woman who suddenly wants to wear a big dress and get made up?!"  If you know me at all, you will know that that is against my normal stance on clothing and general presentation. 

Nevertheless, I am so very excited.  I am marrying a man I love and who loves me and is so very good at showing it.  God brought us together, and I know He will keep us that way - even if Ryan leaves his clothes on the floor and I only cook every two weeks and clean every six. 

Whoa

So, to completely break from my normal posting schedule of...well, whenever I got around to it...I had to post twice on the same day because I just found out some crazy news:

Jennifer Knapp came out.  Of the CLOSET. 

I'm not sure how many of you remember Knapp, but I freaking loved her.  She was/is? a Christian artist who had a folksy feel to her music and a great voice.  She disappeared like forever ago (apparently seven, to be exact) and has now reappeared to knock my socks off - both with her coming out and her new album.  She doesn't want to be labeled as a Christian artist, which is fine with me.  Her music didn't always follow the all praise route of Christian music, which is something I liked about it.  Not that that's bad - I just have my preferences.  I want music about the person actually struggling with things, like real life.

Now, this is much more surprising than the revelation about Ray Boltz's sexuality.  Really?  Look at the 80s hair and clothes he was still rocking and tell me you didn't think about it.  I did. 


Here is the CNN article about Jennifer Knapp:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/16/jennifer.knapp.gay/index.html?hpt=C2

Don't even think for a second I'm not buying her album.  It doesn't matter to me who she dates - her music is just fantastic. 

Yeah, It's Been Two Months...

This is possibly the longest time I've ever gone without posting since I started this blog.  I could be wrong, though, but I don't care to go back and check that fact at the moment. 

I've actually been missing school.  Weird, huh?  I know it sounds a little crazy, although some working adults may disagree with me on that and feel the same way.  The good news is, I will be returning to school!  I was accepted into the Clinical Mental Health Counseling Masters program at University of Memphis and will be starting said program late August!  :)  Unfortunately, it will start only two weeks after the wedding, so we won't have a lot of downtime before I jump back into the world of academia.  I am excited, though.  Memphis has a great program, and I like to learn about things I care about - like helping people.  In two and a half years, I will be out in the work world again, but this time I'll be doing something I truly care about.  Yes, a job is a job - but it is so much less stressful and more fulfilling when your heart is in it. 

A friend of mine is getting married tomorrow, kicking off the "Year of Weddings."  For me, anyway.  I know a couple people who have already gotten married this year, but this is the first one I am actually attending.  The good thing about having several weddings to go to this year is that I can get a few ideas for my own.  If I copy you, just consider it flattery.  ;)  I read an article yesterday that talked about copying wedding ideas, actually.  It's alright as long as you make it your own, which I completely agree with.  I've always wanted a unique wedding that wasn't quite traditional, and that's what I'm working towards having. 

I have to admit that I have applied my usual procrastination techniques to the wedding planning process.  Although I am getting things done and I know I'll be fine, sometimes I feel a very minor panic attack coming on when I realize what I've done to myself by putting things off.  I'm really not far behind, though.  I never realized how much stuff there was in a wedding.  I knew that it wasn't a cake walk, but sheesh.  I also now understand how people can spend a ludicrous amount of money on a wedding.  Just add chair covers, specialty plates, awesome guest favors, tons of flowers, a full bar, an insane cake, an insane groom's cake, monogrammed everything, a band, a DJ, a dramatic entrance with a Zambini, dancers, a wedding decorator, a wedding planner, gilded everything...

It's ridiculous.  And that's not even half the stuff I've seen, and not including the $20,000 wedding gown - or more.  If you want to go all out, you can go beyond that and make your guests' heads spontaneously combust with the amount of crap you put into your wedding.  I, however, have no such ambitions - so be glad. 

I get the feeling that over the next four months (just four months!) I won't be writing about much of anything besides wedding stuff.  I could promise otherwise, but there's not much else I've been thinking about.  Well, except for the fact that in a month I turn 23, Ryan turns 21, and then he graduates the next week.  It doesn't bother me now, but I think I'm not going to be real happy when I turn 30 two years before he does.  And then 40, then 50...  And that's enough!  I shall resist thinking about it.  Haha. 

We are trying to get into the process of buying a house, which I'm told is not the most fun process ever.  What adult thing is?  Well...  Anyway, it's interesting trying to find a "safe" neighborhood in Memphis.  We looked at one, told that was bad, looked at another, got directed once again...  We were told by a Memphis police officer that Cordova is our best bet, so that's where we're headed.  Now to get preapproved, talk to a realtor, check out houses, make offers...  I'm tired already.  But we will succeed! 

I am so thankful it's Friday.  Monday and Tuesday went by so slowly, they were killing me.  I woke Wednesday, and thought, "Hm...tomorrow is Friday, so casual...  Wait.  It's Wednesday, isn't it??  Crap!"  Disappointment prevailed.  However, Friday did finally arrive, so I can't complain.  I shouldn't ever complain, I know, but what human doesn't complain?

Ever since the Suggestion box on Facebook showed up, I have been lamenting its existence.  There are some people you just do not care to reconnect with, which is why you never looked for them in the first place.  Also, if I have ONE friend in common with this person, WHY do you think that means I automatically know them, Facebook?!  And now it not only suggests new friends, it wants to constantly talk to EVERY ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS.  "Reconnect with Jason!  Send him a message explaining why you haven't visited his profile, wrote on his wall, commented on his posts, or messaged him since last week!"  No, thank you.  I just went into ranting mode for a second.  Sorry.  I just wish they would give you the option to not show that box, but they probably realize that everyone would delete it.  You can click through each thing to clear it, but give FB two days and it's back with completely new random people you don't want to connect with.

Speaking of reconnecting, I did actually reconnect with someone this week, but that stupid suggestion box had nothing to do with it - even though it started on Facebook.  It was a fantastic reconnection, and one that should have happened a LONG time ago.  I'm going to stop calling it a reconnection, because it makes it sound like a liaison instead of ridiculously long FB messages then a three hour phone conversation.  I'm creepy even when I don't mean to be...

I would say that I've made up for two months of not posting, but within the boundaries of the average lengths of my posts it's safe to say that I haven't.  Nevertheless, I will give you a respite and cease typing for now.