Random Daron

The Idea of Being

2011-10-09T23:17:00.000-06:00

I was trying to fall asleep just a couple of minutes ago, when I started to think about the idea of being. By that I mean we as people being who we are - whomever that may be. My thoughts mainly focused around the idea of pigeonholing people. We like to think we have particular people figured out. For instance, I would love to say that I have completely figured out my husband. I believe I do know him quite well, but I could never know exactly who he is. And I wouldn't want to.

How could I not know after fifty years of marriage (when that comes) who precisely my husband is? It keeps changing. Yes, he constantly changes his mind, but I mean that who he is is always changing, influenced by education, interactions, experiences, opportunities, all of that. Furthermore, I'll still be discovering things about myself fifty years down the road; there's no way I could have both him and me figured out at any point in life.

Being in a counseling program requires that you learn a lot about yourself, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. It's been really easy for me to focus on the negative things I have learned, especially since I'm trying to improve my weaknesses as a counselor. Lately, however, I've noticed more positive things. I'm discovering new things about myself that have me a little excited - and surprised. It's not that these new things are so exciting in themselves; it's that I'm understanding myself better and seeing more clearly who I am. And who I am is someone who likes to know people

As I said above, we like to think we have particular people figured out. Whether it's the elderly church lady you've known for twenty years or the guy down the street that was arrested for drug possession, we think we know what to expect out of people. It's easier that way, isn't it? If we know who they are, we don't have to make an effort to change that perception. It's easy to put people in a box and throw away the key, because jumping in the box with them is just too damn scary.

The excitement I'm feeling about discovering new things about myself is worth the pain of finding out things I don't like. Thinking that I'm one thing and finding out I'm something else entirely is scary. I've certainly ran away from discovering things about myself before, and I'm absolutely sure that I'm not alone in that.

But I love being surprised. I love it when someone reveals something new about themselves to me. I love finding out that my perception was wrong. Yes, it can be difficult and disorienting, but to me it's worth the price of getting to know people.

I've always had this desire to blow people's minds. I want to show you who I am, but I really want to show you that I'm not who you think I am. I'm different. I'm someone who thinks everyone is different. I'm someone who relishes that idea and can't wait to see more of it. I'm the person that will punch through the walls of your box if I have to - if you'll let me - and let the light in. I want to see you.

Hello, New Blogger Interface

2011-09-08T15:58:00.002-06:00

This is interesting. I like it. I'm sure there are a ton of Blogger people out there complaining about the changes, just like the Twitter or Facebook people do when either of those sites change things up. I find it somewhat amusing. Yes, sometimes things change for the worse, or it becomes incredibly difficult to find the button to do that thing you did just yesterday - but they're working on it. If they had never changed, we'd be complaining about that, too. We like being comfortable, but we also like the newest and coolest stuff.

Speaking of new things... A good friend of mine just told me about ohlife, which is this site that sends you an email each day asking "How was your day?" When you reply, it saves your reply as a journal entry. Obviously, this is not posted in a public forum; only you see these entries. You can have it send the email weekly, if you'd rather. My friend said that her sister used it with her new baby, which is just the greatest idea ever. I've thought about (when we have kids) taking a picture of the baby each day for at least a year. How crazy would it be to see the daily progress of your baby growing?? Plus, you can add photos to these entries, which would allow you to do something like that AND write about it. Sweet. I love it. Now I want kids even more than I already did. ;)

Btw, that link up there (and here - ohlife) is just for you. :)

Calm Before the Storm

2011-08-28T11:38:00.003-06:00

So, my classes start back up tomorrow. I've really enjoyed having the last couple of weeks off, especially after that crazy five week semester with two classes. NEVER doing that again. I have never been that stressed about anything for that long. The classes were great, though; I loved both of my professors and learned a lot. That, at least, helped with the stress.

I'm looking forward to my classes for the semester. I have a family therapy class, Clinical Techniques, and Human Sexuality. This should be fun. Clinical is bound to be my most work-intensive class, what with all the tapes and case conceptualizations I'll be turning in. However, I'm expecting to learn a lot about myself as a counselor, which is both exciting and a little terrifying. We've been practicing, you know, with fellow students and role plays, but I know there's so much more to it than just discovering covered issues - it's actually dealing with them and working to improve them. We haven't done a whole lot of that yet. That's the part I'm most scared of but also most interested in. Yes, we can find problems - but our purpose as counselors is to help people with those problems, not to just find new ones or deeper explanations for already acknowledged ones. It's like one of my favorite lines from Grey's Anatomy from Christina: "You know, being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things."

I have always been good at finding problems. That's not a bad thing, especially in certain situations. Nevertheless, finding those problems is useless unless something is actually done about them. Okay, you found it - now do something to fix it. I often get so immersed in finding the problem that I forget to find the solution. Sometimes, it's laziness. I find it easy to think someone else will deal with it. This is often because I think of all the ways I'm not equipped to deal with it. So I stop at finding the problem, talk to someone about it, then pray it goes away or gets fixed. If you haven't figured it out by now, that's a not-so-successful way to go about things.

Now, I just recently figured out the above problem with myself. The thing is, now I have to do something about it. Whoa. Now that I have a clearer picture of how I react to issues, I have to start DOING something to change it. This will take a while (as serious change always does), but it's something I know is worth working for.

Why Do I Ramble?

2011-07-14T15:05:00.003-06:00

I said I wouldn't have time to blog, but here I am blogging. Deal with it.

I ramble like a madman sometimes. Oftentimes. How is "oftentimes" a word? I don't know, but I kind of like it.

Okay, so I don't ramble like that very often. That was what was running through my head, though, just to give you an idea of what it's like up there. If I'm ever sitting anywhere and giggle a little, I can guarantee you that 80% of the time it has nothing to do with anything going on around me. Or it may have started there but went down the rabbit hole to a completely different topic. My point is I have very random thoughts that just make me giggle with no warning regardless of the situation. If I somehow became a homeless person, I would be the one staring at the sidewalk giggling and talking to myself about complete nonsense. I do that sometimes now, and I'm definitely not homeless.

Sometimes I post things that make me laugh. These are things that I made up and thought made sense and were funny. Apparently, however, sometimes they don't make sense. Prime example: I posted a status that said something to the effect of, "This week is crawling by so slowly. Look, Tuesday just went out the door." Some background on this: It was Wednesday. When my husband got home, he asked what I was talking about on the status. I said, "It's literally crawling by! Tuesday just got out the door! It's Wednesday!! Don't you get it?!" He did not. At least, he didn't appreciate the humor.

I have a silly and random sense of humor. I find things like this hysterically funny. Also, I love Cake Wrecks. My husband just doesn't get it sometimes. He looks at me like I've lost all sense of reason. However, I should point out that he still thinks it's funny when I fart. All I have to say to that is: boys.

So...I honestly forgot what I was talking about. Now that I look at the title, it mentions rambling. Ah, yes. Now, I used to follow my train of thought quite a bit. I was fascinated by how I got from one subject to the next, because they would normally be completely unrelated. Once I followed that train, I discovered that it made perfect sense. To me, anyway. I connect random things. I don't do the following thing very often anymore; it probably lost its glitz and glamour. Or maybe the fact that it had glitz and glamour in the first place is what convinced me to give it up. I'm a tomboy. Regardless, I can switch subjects pretty quickly if I get 2 seconds to be distracted and hitch a ride on the train.

Talking runs in my family (*cough*Mama Jo*cough*), even though I walked before I talked and apparently never stopped moving as a child. The talking came later, probably somewhere in college. Of course, I still tend to keep quiet - until I get a pen or keyboard. Then I can't shut up.

Speaking of, I need to shut up now, because I have to run to class. Not literally run, I'm not late yet. Which reminds me, I need to get back to running...

So Much For Earlier Promises

2011-07-11T22:48:00.000-06:00

I said I would try to blog more, and here I've skipped another two weeks or so. Oops. Furthermore, it seems as though I will have no time to spare in the next five weeks. Great.

I started one of my summer session classes today. I'm taking two classes in this five-week session. Each week I will have almost 17 hours of classes. I'm not sure what my other class looks like yet, but my first one alone is formidable. I knew there would be quite a bit of work, and thank God the professor actually cut down the normal load, but seeing it on paper was totally different. My other class shouldn't be AS bad, but we'll just have to see. Plus I'm doing part-time work, AND we're moving August 1. No free time for me until August 12.

Regardless of all that, this class will be interesting. It's Multicultural Counseling. Being from a small town in West Tennessee, I haven't had much exposure to other cultures. Therefore I look forward to learning a lot in this class. Of course, that involves a lot of reading and writing and discussion. Yay.

Anyway, I'm hoping some day I will indeed hold to my earlier claim that I would blog more. It's just probably almost definitely not happening in the next five weeks.

I'm a Slacker

2011-06-23T22:14:00.000-06:00

Obviously, I've been a little busy. And a little lazy. And quite forgetful. I just haven't thought about blogging in a while. Because of school, summer, getting a small job, being married, and getting ready to move...yeah, not a lot of time to even think about blogging.

As for what's going on at the moment, my husband and I (by the way, still getting used to calling him that, but loving it) are planning a move to downtown Memphis. The primary reason is that my husband is starting law school this fall, and staying where we are would mean a forty minute drive every weekday. Can you say "Save money?" We were both a little nervous about living downtown, since it's quite different than anywhere else either of us has ever lived. Much more metropolitan than Akron, Ohio, or Huntingdon, Tennessee, for sure. However, we've been getting more and more excited about it and even wish we could just move there now. We love good restaurants, and while Cordova has a few, there are a lot of chains around. We prefer the smaller, locally owned places. Downtown is full of them. Chains are few and far between in the area (if only there was a Chik-fil-A...). Also, living on South Main Street means being able to walk to the majority of the places we want to frequent. Score!

Of course, Ryan starting law school means he probably won't have a ton of time to be walking all over downtown Memphis with me. I'm a little concerned with how busy we're both going to be come this fall and falling over into the spring. I'm going into my second year of my Master's program, so I'll have plenty on my plate, plus some part time work. Nevertheless, I believe we can get through just fine. I just have a feeling it won't be easy - actually, I essentially know that. Still - we'll be fine. :)

It's late - something I would not have said three years ago while still an undergrad - and I don't have much else to say at the moment. I can think of a few things, but I'll have to make note of them and write about them later. I'm considering changing my blog name, although the "random" part will still greatly apply. I want to write about more types of things, such as movies and music. And maybe even political stuff, although I'm afraid I would be an ignorant blogger in that subject. After I went to Girls State back in high school (give me a "Woot! Woot!" if you have any idea what that is), I had a much bigger interest in politics. I didn't care much before then. It dwindled and I lost track for a while, but my husband brought it back even stronger. Dare I say - I have become...a liberal. GASP! I have never claimed a party, and really I still don't plan on it; however, I cannot deny my leanings. I guess I can just blame my husband for making me stray for my small-town Tennessee roots. ;) Although, truly, not every small town Tennesseean is a conservative. I am aware. I just find it amusing in my own weird way. It's funny how you continuously find out things about yourself - whether they're changes or not.

Well, I said I didn't have much to say, and I rambled for another twenty sentences. Shocker. Typical me. Anyway, goodnight! I'll be back soon - I hope.

Just Some Research

2010-12-07T01:21:00.002-06:00

So here I am, doing research for my Theories of Counseling research paper, and I find a gem from Albert Ellis. Ellis is the creator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), my current top theory of choice. His big thing is "musturbation" - and no, you did not read that wrong. It is mUsturbation. That is changing everything from "I should, I can, I will try, etc" (rational beliefs) into " I must" (irrational beliefs). These irrational beliefs are what we all have to some extent, and the underlying cause of dysfunction.

Anyway! Long story short, I am using this theory in my paper, and of course found some stuff written by Ellis - Mr. REBT himself. I'm just reading along about musturbation, scrunching my brows, when all of a sudden I run across this:

Take it out of your head and heart, where it tends to wreak havoc, and stick it up your rear end, where it more properly belongs. Did I say, “Stick your musturbation up your ass?” Yes, I clearly did.

AWESOME!! I had to laugh out loud at that. Now, at the time that he wrote the article I got that quote from, the guy was 84. 84! That is impressive. And totally gives him the right to put "stick it up your ass" in an article.

Now I'm just liking his theory even more...

What I'm Learning from Counseling

2010-11-14T18:04:00.000-06:00

And by counseling, I mean being in grad school to become a counselor. Actually, I am technically being counseled as well, since we counsel each other in order to practice and work on our counseling skills.

The end of my first semester of grad school is almost here - almost exactly a month away at this point. Kinda crazy. I am really enjoying it so far; it's difficult, as grad school should be, but I love the stuff I'm learning. To me, one of the best things about what we learn is that it can be used beyond just our careers. The basic foundation of counseling is listening - a very important and useful everyday skill that everyone should possess but way too often gets overlooked. Another big skill you need to have as a counselor is unconditional acceptance of your client. This is not just "being okay" with who they are but also showing them that you fully accept them. Both of these pieces of counseling have been researched and shown to be very effective in creating the intimate and trusting relationship needed for therapy.

So why do they get skipped in everyday life? Everyone wants to be accepted and understood, yet it is so easy to only expect it for ourselves and not give it to others. We can be so selfish in this. All it takes is focusing on another person and truly hearing what they have to say and accepting it. Each person has their own perception of reality that is constructed by the environment they grew up in and the people around them, but we like to act like people are either for us or against us - there's no gray parts. There is no room for different beliefs, different ideas of what it means to be "right" or "good." You don't know where someone else is coming from until you actually listen and then accept how they see things. It doesn't mean to conform to everyone around you - it means to be empathic. Empathy is diving into someone else's world, trying to see things from their side but not getting so caught up in it that you lose yourself.

It's so hard not to judge people and think they're just ridiculous for doing what they did (whatever that may be), but it would be so much better if we tried to take a step back and listen to where they are. It can be so simple. But when have we learned this? From whom would we have learned that there are other points of view, that everyone is not going to be like you, and that you should take the time to find out about that and appreciate the fact that life is made infinitely more interesting and vibrant by the differences in people?

I get frustrated by the lack of listening and acceptance in the world (particularly in politics, but I won't even go there). However, I am glad that I get the chance to be at least one person in someone's life that takes the time to listen to his or her story and accept the way he or she sees things. Because we all need that. And we all deserve it.

It's Been a While...

2010-10-19T22:14:00.000-06:00

I keep debating whether or not I should even try to keep up with this blog. Especially within the last year or so, I've been very neglectful and will go months without writing a thing. I feel a little bad about it, but most of the time it completely slips my mind until I remember it. Then I can't think of anything to write or don't feel like I have enough time to devote because (obviously) I tend to ramble for quite some time with no clear purpose.

ANYWAY, a lot of things have changed in my life recently. I got married just over two months ago, I started graduate school a little after that, and I'm in a new town. Well, city, I guess. The combination of new things is going well so far. Graduate school is very interesting (for the most part) but takes up quite a bit of time. I knew it would be different from undergrad, and those differences are pretty much what I expected: more work, but more intriguing. With undergrad you have all those core classes that you care nothing about; with grad school it's all related to information you want to know. I do have one class I find extremely boring, but it's mainly because I already learned it in undergrad (hats off to Blalack) and the professor tends to digress and ramble. It's probably what I would do as a professor, which is not a good thing. Practicing counseling can be so nerve wracking. You're trying to truly listen to your client while thinking, "Should I ask about that? What does that mean? What do I say when he or she stops talking? What's going on here??" If only we could just go with empathic listening and help people with that. Actually, we found out that only 15% of the success of therapy is determined by what the counselor actually does as far as therapy. The rest is the therapeutic relationship, having someone listen, that kind of stuff. That takes the pressure off a little bit, because it means (to me) that I only have 15% in which to do damage. ;)

Being married is fun. It's difficult, but it's fun. I say it's difficult because it's entirely different than before I was married. You have another person to consider when you're planning your life. Real life gets in the way of spending time together, and spending time together can get in the way of real life (which obviously causes problems for me being in grad school). The fun part comes when you come home to someone, you always have someone to do things with, all that good stuff. Plus, planning your life together is fun - it's just a little more complicated than it would be with just yourself to worry about.

Wow. I didn't even get that far and I'm running out of juice. Maybe it won't be that long before I post again - but you never know.

Why I'm an Oxymoron

2010-07-08T23:17:00.000-06:00

When I first started this blog, it was my freshman year of college at Union. I don't recall exactly what led me to start a blog; I believe my sister had one at the time and I thought, you know, I wouldn't mind letting people know some of my thoughts and what's going on in my life. I've had a prayer journal for over ten years now, and I have also occasionally kept other journals with random entries and never regularly. It's great to look back at my journals and see where I was at that time and what I was focused on or worried about. It's also amusing, apparently, because when my fiance read some of old journal entries (I mean like 15 years ago old) he found it very amusing when I wrote about some guy stalking me that I did NOT like. Yes, I was eight. Yes, I remember that - that kid was creepy.

Anyway, I've found a blog to be a conundrum. Often I have gone months without writing a thing, because I cannot think of what to write. Well, I can think of things to write about, but I find that I am afraid to post some things. Like, poetry that is depressing (which is honestly about the only kind I write) or my opinions on certain political issues. Why am I afraid, you may ask?

Because I don't want to disappoint you.

I'm big on disappointment. I hate being disappointed, although I believe I am doing better at that. I loathe the idea of being a disappointment, of being less than you think I am. I keep things to myself because it's easier than having you misunderstand or judge me for it. I was raised to worry about what people think, and as much as I try to deny that I do - I do. Big time. The standards I set up for myself often have more to do with others than me or God, and those standards are high. Which means I often fall short of them. Which means I am often disappointed with myself. I am my toughest critic, by far.

As for the reason I am an oxymoron...

I revel in not being what people expect. I love shaking up expectations, throwing people off, showing a side they didn't think existed. Maybe it's a joy in showing people that they don't know me as well as they thought they did. I want to blow up stereotypes and throw down conventionality. I want to be different, noteworthy, someone that sticks in your mind.

Maybe everyone feels that way to some extent. I don't believe myself to be alone in this clash of how to live my life. These two ideas are not completely at odds, however. I want to be different, yes, but who I am with different people changes - and that's where expectations come in. Give me my conservative friends, and the conservative me appears, holding back certain thoughts that might offend or turn away. Put me with my more liberal friends and I'll talk about anything - almost. I have some friends that are quieter than others, with whom I become more outspoken; when spending time with those more boisterous, I recede somewhat and fade more into the background than the forefront.

It makes me think of DID - dissociative identity disorder, or more commonly known as multiple personalities. Fascinating stuff; read Sybil or watch "United States of Tara" if you ever get the chance. The thing about the different personalities that someone with DID exhibits is that each personality is essentially a facet of that person's full personality. The main focus of DID treatment is integration - integrating each separate personality into the full and true personality, which eventually becomes the whole person. We each have varying facets of our personality that reveal themselves depending on the situation in which we find ourselves. This is completely natural and I believe is actually a survival technique.

I remember when I was getting ready to come to college, and I was so excited about the opportunity to meet an entirely new group of people that had no idea who I was, where I came from, or what kind of person I was. I realized that as a result of this anonymity, I could be whoever I chose to be - more importantly, I could be the person I always was, the person that most people in my life didn't know because it might be disappointing. Using that opportunity as best as I could, I made some incredible friends in college with whom I could be more myself than ever. I found a (future) husband that is fully aware of who I am, probably more than anyone else in my life. No, definitely more than anyone else. And that is something worth fighting for.

So I want to be open about things, but I know that dropping all the walls more often than not leaves you more damaged than before. I don't want to disappoint you, whoever you may be, but I want to be more than you expect. There's so much I wish to say, but the need to meet your expectations overrides my desire to exceed them.

Is it better not knowing? I feel that if you know I hold things back from you that you will wonder what exactly those things are. Maybe you'll just imagine the worst and throw it around in your mind until it becomes fact. Trust me in this: I believe that I am protecting you. I know how it is to be disappointed in someone, and how much pain that can cause.

I don't mean to sound despairing, because I am not. This is something I've thought over for years, the fight between being seen and being safe. To end this lightly, I must say that I am so very thankful for Ryan, the man I waited for all my life, the man with whom I can be me.

I'm so glad he is fine with my burping. ;)

And for the Recap

2010-06-18T10:06:00.001-06:00

Alright, the US pulled it together. Major props. Donovan brought them back with their first goal, then Bradley sunk in the equalizer. Both fantastically placed goals. The defense seemed to pick it up and Howard kept being awesome.

Now I have a problem with the ref. He called fouls left and right, first mainly against the US (18 in all) then finally realized that Slovenia was pulling a few fouls (16 to be exact) themselves. Then...THEN. Then Edu came through on a free kick and sunk it in the goal...and he blows the whistle. No problem... Wait. Against the US? For what?! The goal is disallowed, and they of course replay it over and over again because the commentators can't figure out what the heck happened. Let's see... You've got TWO US guys being full-on HUGGED by Slovenia defenders, Edu and everyone else ONSIDE, and NO FOULS FROM THE US SIDE.

SERIOUSLY?!
As you might imagine, I was furious. Where did that call come from? There was no justification for it whatsoever, and you, Mr. Dumba** Ref, just cost US a goal, a win, and possibly a ticket to the next round.

Congratulations.

You're an idiot.

Now, as you can tell, I get fired up about stuff like this. Namely, sports. Namely soccer. My fiance mocks me for it and doesn't understand when I start yelling at the screen that yes, I do realize they cannot hear me, and no, it doesn't matter that they can't. I am passionate about my sport, and I am not ashamed of it. Just wait till he sees me next year with the Women's World Cup... We'll be married before then, so he'll just have to deal with it. ;)

Regardless of whether the US continues or not, I'll keep watching. I just love to see beautiful soccer played, no matter who's on the field. I doubt Italy will repeat, but it's a distinct possibility. Spain also has a good shot, as well as Brazil, as always. I'd love for a smaller team to come through and win, and there's always a good chance of that. After the US goes, I'm not sure who I'll go for. I could go for Spain, I think. They looked great in their opening game. England might have a decent shot, but I can't take them seriously for some reason. Maybe they'll surprise me. They're definitely not hurting without Beckham.

We'll just see what happens. And you'll probably read about it here, since I'm sure I can't refrain from it.

A Rant for You

2010-06-18T09:02:00.001-06:00

I shall start off by saying that I never had high hopes for the US team in the World Cup. The US men struggle to compete. Their highest finish was 80 years ago, in third place. They reached the quarterfinals in '02. I believe we have the talent to get further and even win, but it's difficult for them to pull it together. This year just seems to be a disaster. The defense keeps falling apart and letting only halfway decent goals through. Right now it's halftime at the Slovenia game, and they're down 2-0. It's all because of defensive breakdowns, and it appears that Onyewu is the main culprit. Talk, people! Tim Howard, I feel sorry for you. You're hurting but playing anyway, and I give you props for that, but you have no support from your back line.

I also have a problem with the team's style. I've watched several teams play this week, and I was blown away by just how beautifully Spain and Italy play. Their passing is just gorgeous! Hardly a stray pass or bad touch - they just link passes together like...I have nothing to compare it to. Then I watch US. Ugh. It's like passing was completely skipped in training. They pass to other teams' players, empty space (with no one there), the sideline. They try to push through with brute force, and, honestly, sometimes it works. They just had ten chances within about four minutes, but none of them found the net. Slovenia actually has a defensive line that acts like they know what they're doing.

I'm not against teams having different styles, but the US isn't making theirs work for them. I give them about ten years before they figure it out. Until then, I'd much prefer watching the US women team. Which reminds me, NEXT YEAR!! :D

(and by that I mean that next year is the FIFA Women's World Cup - hecka yeah)

And now back to the game that USA needs to get back to as well...

Doses of Optimism

2010-06-15T07:53:00.001-06:00

I don't consider myself to be an optimist. Sometimes I am, but it seems that I usually take the glass-half-empty view on things. I found a website yesterday that is amazing. Each little story makes me smile, and many have almost made me cry.

It is often said that humanity is declining, that true human kindness is a very rare thing. I would like to disagree. The world has definitely changed, but so much stays the same. There will always be people who think only of themselves and what others can do for them, but there will also always be people who spend time with a mother who lost her son on Mother's Day, people who treat the handicapped just like anybody else, people who will take time out of their busy schedule to assist someone injured up a flight of stairs, people who will lay down their lives to help those they love. Those people do exist, and we are surrounded by them. We can be those people.

So remember that when you complain about how the world has gone to shit, you can do something about it. Show kindness, exhibit love, give encouragement. We don't do those things enough, and I am completely at fault for not doing my part. This has nothing to do with being righteous or working your way to Heaven - even if you don't believe in God, this applies to you. This is about the pursuit of happiness. Not just your own, but others' as well. Pursue someone else's happiness. Isn't it worth a little embarrassment to see a smile on a stranger's face?

www.givesmehope.com

Utilizing My Options

2010-06-11T10:59:00.000-06:00

I'm liking the new design setup, as you may be able to tell from the new look of my blog. I'm loving the new blue, and I posted a new picture from last January's trip. I believe this is either Dublin or London. One or the other.

Speaking of trips, we just came back from Tacoma and Vancouver. Vancouver was pretty neat. We went to Grouse Mountain and did some ziplining. We missed out on the great views you usually get during that tour because it was so foggy, but it was pretty awesome to see nothing but the line in front of you - making you wonder if you'd be able to see the spring brake you're about to hit. Thankfully, that always came into view in time. There was a little bit of hiking thrown in that tour, but we did some serious hiking Saturday on the Rattlesnake Ledge trail. Gorgeous view once you got to the top; nearly death-to-me hike to get there. I have been jogging and/or speed walking on and off since soccer has been over, but no sprinting. As a result, I nearly died. I was fine for about half of the hike; I was in front and had a pretty quick pace going. Then...we took a break. Which ended up almost breaking me. I swear I was on a sugar rush before or something, because once we began hiking again, all energy was gone. I had nothing. Miracle of miracles, we finally got to the top. I just laid on the ground and died for a minute. Then I was fine. Well, until the next day anyway. Then I felt it.

Speaking of dying, I miss soccer. I've been missing soccer subconsciously for a while...well, ever since I finished up my senior year over a year and half ago. In the past couple of days, though, it seems to have really hit me. It could probably be blamed on the World Cup starting up. I definitely listened to the South Africa-Mexico game online through ESPN.com. I would have watched it if I thought our internet could handle the constant streaming and if I didn't have actual work to do. Listening is so...banal. Fortunately, I did get to see South Africa's goal. GORGEOUS passing! Wow. I was in awe. And it almost started in their back third - I have to give them major credit. Perfect passing all around. For some reason there wasn't video of Mexico's goal. Anyway, back to me missing soccer... I would love to play in an adult soccer league when we get to Memphis. If I have the time, that is. Jackson has one, I do believe, but I thought my time could be better utilized at this point. Now I don't have time, for sure. Work, wedding...nope. I'm kind of afraid to get back in, though, honestly. I had so much trouble with injuries all through college, and my knees feel totally jacked. I don't trust my body to survive. Haha. I would LOVE to be in the shape I was when I played, although I'd rather lose weight than gain any. I'm sure if I don't lift (so many) weights this time around, that'll happen.

Speaking of losing weight, I am completely jealous of my fiance's ability to lose weight. Guys do typically lose and gain weight faster than girls, so it's generally unfair. I do have to be honest and admit that I haven't tried that hard to lose. I had a plan to start working out a couple of weeks ago, then I wrecked my bike. I couldn't walk without a limp, so I really didn't want to attempt running. Monday I got some new shoelaces from Nike (proceeds go to AIDS assistance in Africa) and I plan to put them on my soccer cleats and then put those cleats back to use. I want to just run around the soccer field at Union, messing around with a ball and maybe doing a few sprints. I may run the cross-country track as well.

Speaking of running, I have to do that now.

2010-05-28T09:48:00.001-06:00

The incredible bruise! Well, part of it. The other part is on top of my leg.

Living Up to the Name

2010-05-28T09:42:00.000-06:00

And by that I mean living up to the name of my blog. Which, if you don't recall or are too lazy to scroll, is Random Daron. Of course, I believe that I have always held up to that name, whether it was purposeful or not. Most of the time my randomness just happens with no conscious effort on my part. I think that's when the best writing happens, anyway - when it's effortless. Often when I try to sit down and write a poem about something in particular, it comes out too forced and I hate it. However, when I just get hit by the inspiration and let it go, it usually works out better.

This week I have been practicing my cursive. That means I have a couple of pages full of random sentences and words written in cursive sitting around my office. When I went to address a few wedding invitation envelopes (for those who were moving soon and I wanted to catch), I discovered that my cursive had become appalling. I have never been a big fan of my cursive; my print was always much neater. My main issues lie in connecting the letters within words. Sometimes my hand seems to take over completely and decide that instead of going from o to o, it should be o to l - or something that just doesn't fit in. I think I'm already improving, although I still haven't decided exactly how beneficial this will be down the road. Besides signing things, when do I ever use cursive writing? And as for signatures, from my experience as a cashier I can tell you that a lot of people just scribble and call it a signature. Sometimes I would just laugh at the stuff people put. One guy used up about four inches for his signature - and it was just one big scribble. No discernible letters at all. How will this prevent fraud? Just throw the pen around a piece of paper, and you have a signature! When I was younger and believed that I had a chance to be a professional singer, I practiced my "official" signature. I wanted to use my entire name, of course, and I was afraid that I would take too long to sign things. I didn't want people to get impatient while waiting in line for my signature! Haha.

Speaking of signatures, I have been asked for mine twice. And it was weird. The last time was when I opened for the guy who won West Tennessee Idol like three years ago at Bethel. Two little girls asked me - so cute! I definitely felt so weird though. I guess you would get used to it after signing a million things like that. Ultimately, though, I wouldn't like all of the attention that comes with being famous. Too many people all in your business and freaking out about what you wear, what you say, where you go, who you're with... Meh!

In case you haven't heard on FB, I wrecked my bicycle Tuesday night. I'm healing fairly well I guess, although I called in sick to work yesterday. I woke up and my entire upper body was insanely sore. I had worked out Monday, and it was like that compounded with the wreck just hit me all at once. Not fun. I'm still sore today, but I do love the fantastic bruise on my leg around my knee. It's intense. Getting good bruises is one of the reasons I loved catching in softball. You get a drop ball bouncing up and hitting the inside of your thigh, and you're bound to have a pretty purple bruise in a day or two. It's fascinating. And something to be proud of. Getting bruises in soccer was also awesome. Go in hard to tackle, come out with a great bruise. Injuries aren't exactly fun, but then they kind of are. I guess it's the true athlete in me that loves having a good injury - a few of which I have at the moment. Scrapes on my elbow, wrist, face, leg... Great.

Another thing about injuries... I am awful about picking at scabs. Always have been. So this is going to be a serious challenge for me. I obviously don't want scars, and these scrapes need to heal quickly. I've got a wedding, people! We were planning on shooting some more engagement pictures this weekend, but after Tuesday's event, that wasn't going to happen. Although we could shoot everything only from my right side and not show my leg...that could work. Meh - too much effort. Remember what I said about effort??

2010-05-18T11:36:00.001-06:00

I got me some new glasses! Which of course means I had to wear them today.

One Hundred Days

2010-05-06T09:41:00.000-06:00

Today is one hundred days from the wedding! Woot woot!! I'm excited. Of course, I started thinking of all the things I still have to do as far as planning goes...but it will get done! And anyway, if everything goes wrong in the wedding, as long as we both say our vows and the preacher announces us married, that's fine with me! I mean, in the long run - I'll have to admit I'll be upset if everything else with the wedding goes wrong. But later it could make for some really good stories. I've also heard that you're not officially married until something goes horribly wrong. Haha. Funny, but a little nerve-inducing. I would prefer for nothing to be set on fire and/or have someone have a seizure or something - the fainting thing is no biggie, unless it's me or Ryan.

Despite being a tomboy, I am in many ways a typical female. I have always wanted to get married. However, I never really had a particular vision for my wedding. I always knew I wanted it to be unique, different, and representative of me and the groom (whoever he would be). I honestly looked forward more to the actual marriage part, rather than focusing on the wedding. That is not to say that I haven't gotten caught up in the glamor of it all; I am (perhaps somewhat selfishly but generically) excited about having my own big day. Even when eloping was brought up (as I firmly believe is done at least once with every engaged couple), the thought of not wearing the wedding dress I'd already picked out made me sad. When that happened, I thought, "Who is this woman who suddenly wants to wear a big dress and get made up?!" If you know me at all, you will know that that is against my normal stance on clothing and general presentation.

Nevertheless, I am so very excited. I am marrying a man I love and who loves me and is so very good at showing it. God brought us together, and I know He will keep us that way - even if Ryan leaves his clothes on the floor and I only cook every two weeks and clean every six.

Whoa

2010-04-16T10:13:00.000-06:00

So, to completely break from my normal posting schedule of...well, whenever I got around to it...I had to post twice on the same day because I just found out some crazy news:

Jennifer Knapp came out. Of the CLOSET.

I'm not sure how many of you remember Knapp, but I freaking loved her. She was/is? a Christian artist who had a folksy feel to her music and a great voice. She disappeared like forever ago (apparently seven, to be exact) and has now reappeared to knock my socks off - both with her coming out and her new album. She doesn't want to be labeled as a Christian artist, which is fine with me. Her music didn't always follow the all praise route of Christian music, which is something I liked about it. Not that that's bad - I just have my preferences. I want music about the person actually struggling with things, like real life.

Now, this is much more surprising than the revelation about Ray Boltz's sexuality. Really? Look at the 80s hair and clothes he was still rocking and tell me you didn't think about it. I did.

Here is the CNN article about Jennifer Knapp:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/16/jennifer.knapp.gay/index.html?hpt=C2

Don't even think for a second I'm not buying her album. It doesn't matter to me who she dates - her music is just fantastic.

Yeah, It's Been Two Months...

2010-04-16T09:43:00.000-06:00

This is possibly the longest time I've ever gone without posting since I started this blog. I could be wrong, though, but I don't care to go back and check that fact at the moment.

I've actually been missing school. Weird, huh? I know it sounds a little crazy, although some working adults may disagree with me on that and feel the same way. The good news is, I will be returning to school! I was accepted into the Clinical Mental Health Counseling Masters program at University of Memphis and will be starting said program late August! :) Unfortunately, it will start only two weeks after the wedding, so we won't have a lot of downtime before I jump back into the world of academia. I am excited, though. Memphis has a great program, and I like to learn about things I care about - like helping people. In two and a half years, I will be out in the work world again, but this time I'll be doing something I truly care about. Yes, a job is a job - but it is so much less stressful and more fulfilling when your heart is in it.

A friend of mine is getting married tomorrow, kicking off the "Year of Weddings." For me, anyway. I know a couple people who have already gotten married this year, but this is the first one I am actually attending. The good thing about having several weddings to go to this year is that I can get a few ideas for my own. If I copy you, just consider it flattery. ;) I read an article yesterday that talked about copying wedding ideas, actually. It's alright as long as you make it your own, which I completely agree with. I've always wanted a unique wedding that wasn't quite traditional, and that's what I'm working towards having.

I have to admit that I have applied my usual procrastination techniques to the wedding planning process. Although I am getting things done and I know I'll be fine, sometimes I feel a very minor panic attack coming on when I realize what I've done to myself by putting things off. I'm really not far behind, though. I never realized how much stuff there was in a wedding. I knew that it wasn't a cake walk, but sheesh. I also now understand how people can spend a ludicrous amount of money on a wedding. Just add chair covers, specialty plates, awesome guest favors, tons of flowers, a full bar, an insane cake, an insane groom's cake, monogrammed everything, a band, a DJ, a dramatic entrance with a Zambini, dancers, a wedding decorator, a wedding planner, gilded everything...

It's ridiculous. And that's not even half the stuff I've seen, and not including the $20,000 wedding gown - or more. If you want to go all out, you can go beyond that and make your guests' heads spontaneously combust with the amount of crap you put into your wedding. I, however, have no such ambitions - so be glad.

I get the feeling that over the next four months (just four months!) I won't be writing about much of anything besides wedding stuff. I could promise otherwise, but there's not much else I've been thinking about. Well, except for the fact that in a month I turn 23, Ryan turns 21, and then he graduates the next week. It doesn't bother me now, but I think I'm not going to be real happy when I turn 30 two years before he does. And then 40, then 50... And that's enough! I shall resist thinking about it. Haha.

We are trying to get into the process of buying a house, which I'm told is not the most fun process ever. What adult thing is? Well... Anyway, it's interesting trying to find a "safe" neighborhood in Memphis. We looked at one, told that was bad, looked at another, got directed once again... We were told by a Memphis police officer that Cordova is our best bet, so that's where we're headed. Now to get preapproved, talk to a realtor, check out houses, make offers... I'm tired already. But we will succeed!

I am so thankful it's Friday. Monday and Tuesday went by so slowly, they were killing me. I woke Wednesday, and thought, "Hm...tomorrow is Friday, so casual... Wait. It's Wednesday, isn't it?? Crap!" Disappointment prevailed. However, Friday did finally arrive, so I can't complain. I shouldn't ever complain, I know, but what human doesn't complain?

Ever since the Suggestion box on Facebook showed up, I have been lamenting its existence. There are some people you just do not care to reconnect with, which is why you never looked for them in the first place. Also, if I have ONE friend in common with this person, WHY do you think that means I automatically know them, Facebook?! And now it not only suggests new friends, it wants to constantly talk to EVERY ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS. "Reconnect with Jason! Send him a message explaining why you haven't visited his profile, wrote on his wall, commented on his posts, or messaged him since last week!" No, thank you. I just went into ranting mode for a second. Sorry. I just wish they would give you the option to not show that box, but they probably realize that everyone would delete it. You can click through each thing to clear it, but give FB two days and it's back with completely new random people you don't want to connect with.

Speaking of reconnecting, I did actually reconnect with someone this week, but that stupid suggestion box had nothing to do with it - even though it started on Facebook. It was a fantastic reconnection, and one that should have happened a LONG time ago. I'm going to stop calling it a reconnection, because it makes it sound like a liaison instead of ridiculously long FB messages then a three hour phone conversation. I'm creepy even when I don't mean to be...

I would say that I've made up for two months of not posting, but within the boundaries of the average lengths of my posts it's safe to say that I haven't. Nevertheless, I will give you a respite and cease typing for now.

Wedding Planning Stress

2010-01-26T11:07:00.001-06:00

I definitely have it. I don't do well when I think something is going to be fairly easy and it turns out to be significantly more difficult than I thought. Maybe we're the ones being difficult by wanting less than traditional things, like nontraditional ceremony music and a 93 lb. Labrador Retriever for a ring bearer.

However, I am excited. Truly. We've seriously considered just running off to a courthouse and being done with it, but I have to admit that I want the whole she-bang. I want people to celebrate with us, I want to wear a pretty dress (shocker, I know), and I want to share my happiness with others. Maybe because I was a tomboy, I didn't spend a lot of time imagining what my wedding would look like; I just knew I wanted one. When we first got engaged, Ryan and I both kept getting realizations of what was actually happening - and getting excited all over again each time.

I found my wedding dress! :) The dress didn't even stand out to me when I first saw it, but I was trying on whatever looked pretty and had some of the important details I wanted. I didn't expect to cry over finding my wedding dress, but I probably should have known better. It just kind of hit me all of sudden that this was the one. Haha. I am such a sap... I felt some stress melt off of me after we purchased the dress; it made me feel like I was actually getting somewhere or getting something done. Btw, Low's Bridal in Arkansas = fantastic.

I started running yesterday for the first time in...I don't even know and probably don't want to know. Some time last fall. Anyway, I plan on losing a little weight before the wedding, as I know pretty much every bride does or wants to do. The problem is, I love food. Like a lot. Chocoholics run in my family, believe me. I guess I could try to stick to only sour candy, but then, as my parents told me for years before they figured out it wasn't doing any good, it rots your teeth out. Give me extra weight over losing teeth any day.

Which reminds me - I still miss that candy store that was in the Jackson mall like 10-15 years ago. It was like a death in the family when they went out of business, because my favorite candy EVER is sour belts, which you can only find at the candy stores you typically find only in malls. So tragic. I was in the mall some time last week and had a craving for sour belts, making me mourn the loss of the store all over again.

I'm considering putting a disclaimer on this blog: "DISCLAIMER: Blogger is repetitive, distracted, random, and sometimes irrelevant to the initial topic of a blog. The title of any blog is subject to dissections, diatribes, and deviations." That's all I've got for now. I'm hungry and therefore slightly distracted, as I know that I have another hour and a half before I leave for lunch. Now I'm just thinking about where I want to eat.

K bye.

There's This Line...

2009-12-14T12:20:00.001-06:00

That I'm still working on finding. It's the line between trusting in God and being proactive in fulfilling His will. Where is it? I so often mistake it, thinking that there must be SOMETHING I can do to make the right things happen. I find myself wondering what I'm missing, where are the perfect words I can say to that person to make it clear. I've never thought of myself as much of a leader, but somehow I can't sit back and let everything happen without trying to do something to help it along.

It seems that to some extent we all struggle with letting things go. One night in our church community group we went around telling whether we were laid-back people or more controlling. Most people said they were more controlling, but even those who considered themselves laid-back had things that they wanted control over. The latter is more my area - I am a laid-back person....until I feel like I can do something or that I'll go crazy if I don't. One of the hardest things for me to be laid-back about is struggling friends. If someone is hurting, I am rearing to go, ready to beat anyone I have to or stitch up their wounds. This also applies if one of my relationships is struggling. As much as I hate confrontation, I will initiate it if I believe it to be necessary. I am a strong believer in communication, even though I'm not near as gifted in it as I would wish.

I've found that being useless scares me. I think that's another thing that most people have in common as well; we hate to think of ourselves as adding nothing to the world around us. So for God to call us to "Be still" - we find that very difficult indeed. Yes, we trust God, but is there nothing we can do to make everything better?? God tells us to do all things for His glory, but sometimes that includes sitting back and watching, as much as it may pain us to do so. I typically consider myself a patient person as well, but the list of things I am patient about is not a universal list - there are a few exceptions.

Another thing I have found is that when I finally do calm down and be still, God does amazing things. Not that He doesn't always do amazing things - it's just that subconsciously I somehow think that me not moving, not doing something will not produce anything for the glory of God. Do I think that much of myself, to think that God cannot move without me? How delusional and egotistical! I have to laugh at that ridiculous notion, and I can imagine God does as well (in a "That's cute, funny little human" kind of way).

Yesterday one of my friends was discussing how something she had been waiting on forever had just happened after she had given up on it, saying, "I guess all I really had to do was let it go and truly give it to Him [God] after all." Amen. Easily said but hardly done.

Honesty time: I was one of those Union girls looking for a Mrs. degree. Especially in the first couple of years, I was on the lookout for my future husband. I do realize how desperate and romcom this sounds, but I prefaced this by saying it was honesty time. Whether or not I admitted it at the time, I know this was my mindset. However, by the end of my junior year, I quit looking. The thought process was this: "I have only one more year left here. I'm going to grad school far away, so there's no point in trying to find Mr. Right here when I'll just be moving away. I'll find him at grad school." Haha... Yes, I'm a dork.

Of course, what happens? Just when I finally give it up and sit back to wait, God jumps in with His own (and infinitely better) plan. Someone asked me a few days ago, "Last year, did you think you would be engaged at this time, just a year later?" My reply was, "No! I'd given up on Union guys!" Lol. My plans changed because God moved, and I could not be happier for it.

I wish I could draw a line and say, "This is where you need to step back and give it up." Really, we should always be giving it up to God but ready to move when He asks, but I understand how difficult that can be. And sometimes I've misunderstood what God wanted from me, probably because I had my own plan of how I thought God wanted it to go. We always get in the way of our own obedience. In my case, a lot of it is over-analyzing.

I pray that we all have peace about what God is doing, whether we're moving or not, because God is constantly moving. He never rests and always knows how it's going to go. Things always work out for His glory, and we know how it all ends! Why do we worry so? Yes, we should obey His commandments and work to live for His glory, but in the end our mistakes will not matter. So why freak out when we make them? I am completely guilty of that, worrying about making mistakes and despairing when I make them! God works through us, with us, around us, and - most important to me - despite us. To me, the last is ultimately reassuring.

Our Wedding Website!

2009-11-24T12:21:00.000-06:00

I know I've been due for a blog since I got engaged, but I decided I would put the important stuff on our wedding website - like the proposal story, for one! Nothing is planned, really, at the moment, so it's mostly empty otherwise. Anyway, here is the address...

http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RyanSpickard&DaronWebb

Enjoy! :)

Another Funny for the Day...

2009-11-17T13:09:00.000-06:00

Back in my high school senior year, the family took a trip to Washington, D.C., over spring break. There were a LOT of Asian tourists running around taking endless pictures. While we were in one of the Smithsonian museums - I believe it was the Natural History one - Kellen decided to have some fun and jump into people's pictures at the last minute. He especially loved getting into one Asian family's family portrait, and we have always said since then that we would give anything to see their reactions when they realized this random American kid was in their photo. Well, I might have found the picture - or one similar to it, anyway...

http://thisisphotobomb.com/2009/11/11/photobomb-that-guy-hes-a-cousin-twice-removed/

My New Career

2009-11-17T09:24:00.000-06:00

This past week, Mom and I flew to Washington to visit Lauren and see some grad schools. I was excited to see Lauren's house, since the last and only time I'd seen it all I got to see was the outside, since she hadn't finalized the purchase yet and therefore had no keys. Her house is awesome; it's basically two stories with a loft. The stairs leading from the first floor to the second are pretty creaky, I soon discovered. When I mentioned this to Mom Thursday morning as we were preparing to leave, she said, "Yeah, I don't think anyone's going to be sneaking up on you going up those stairs." Being me, I had pretty quickly figured out that if you skip every other step, you can get around the loudness. I tried it out, and sure enough it worked pretty well. When I pointed this out to Mom, she had to try it. After she tried it and realized I was right, she stated, "You would make a good criminal."

That's what moms do, right? She opened up a whole new door for me! Thanks, Mom! :D

As for other funny stories, there are several from this trip.

Mom and I were boarding a plane, and in front of us there was a mother and her two children. It was a boy and girl, probably around 5 and 6. They started messing with each other, of course, and the mother said, "Stop touching each other! Hands to yourselves." The kids calmed down for a minute. Then the boy reached out with his hand like half a foot from the little girl, and the girl said, "Too close!" That's much more accurate than, "He's touching me!!"

On our way to Seattle Saturday morning, we stopped and got coffee and hot chocolate. I got hot chocolate, of course, and told Mom she could just have some of mine instead of getting her own. Her reaction when she tried it was, "This tastes like a melted milkshake." What a revelation! Who woulda thunk it?

Funny, but more sad... Mom and I were in a Jack in the Box eating. First of all, they had an automated machine to take your order. I mean, you enter your order into this machine, and then someone brings out from the back. Great idea - kill more jobs. Anyway, we had gotten our food and were in the process of eating. I saw this guy standing outside, and could pretty much guess from first glance that he was homeless. He comes in and decides to stop at our table on his way to the counter. He started talking about how there were a ton of chuck wagons outside, and we should unhitch all the horses and hitch them together. We both just kind of smiled and nodded, and he moved on to the counter. After he got coffee - no food, just coffee - he sat at the table that was on the other side of the wall from us. The wall was short enough to only reach my shoulder sitting. He once again started talking about wagons: "I saw you pull in, I pulled in right behind you. We just went down south, and everything's flooded! Completely flooded! Thank you, have a good day. But then we went up north, and it's sunshine. All clear. Thank you, have a good day." Interesting... It definitely made me wonder where he came from and what happened to him.

There were other stories, but that's all I have at the moment. :)

Reporting Fail

2009-11-10T10:35:00.000-06:00

Really? It's a wreck? I wasn't sure, because I thought maybe this was a picture of a bad parking job. I mean, anyone who parks like that deserves to get towed.

Good job, Jackson Sun.

Funny Funny - Cause there's two of them.

2009-11-02T17:05:00.003-06:00

First story:

I was driving to meet Ryan at Don Pancho's for lunch, and I came to the light where you get on Vann Drive off the bypass. At the corner was a homeless man, with the typical sign. I do have to give it to him; the sign asked for work, not money. Anyway, I had to sit at the light while waiting for a green, and just happened to see the man pick up a bag of food and sit it behind his backpack - trying to hide it from us possible benefactors. The bag was one of those to-go things, with the styrofoam box and everything. This alone tickles me. It's when he also picks up his drink to hide it and I see the Longhorn Steakhouse name and logo that I really find it funny.

Second story:

This is one of those moments when I really wished I thought quicker. I was checking out at Dollar General with just two items. The cashier rings them up, and I start to swipe my card when the older woman goes, "Ooh, honey, don't you want to buy one more thing??" I have no idea what she's talking about until I look at my total: $6.66. I tell her that I'll be okay, I don't need anything else. What I should have said was this: "Well, if Satan is going to get me through a six-pack of Cottonelle toilet paper and a Jimmy Dean's Breakfast Bowl, I just might let him take me purely on the basis of his creativity."

Here's to Punctuality

2009-10-30T12:43:00.002-06:00

This guy was supposed to be in my office this morning, but thankfully I got here before Mr. Cranford, who is responsible for such pranks.

One of my Moments of Stupidity

2009-10-19T08:42:00.002-06:00

Yes, just one of them. So I got my ears pierced about a week and a half ago. This is the second time I've tried this; the first time was when I was about twelve, I think. Less than a week after I got it done (the first time), Kellen and I were wrestling and one of the earrings was knocked out. I decided to take both out and then put them back in later. I forgot about them until the next morning, when Mom helped me painfully put them back in. Unfortunately, my ears got extremely infected and I had to take out the earrings and let them completely heal. After that ordeal I wasn't real keen on trying it again.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I felt like it was time I tried for pierced ears again. No biggie, just a little pain and getting used to the sight of me with pierced ears.

Well, this morning I was a genius and decided to see if I could take an earring out and put it back in. Now, I had tried taking it out right after I had a shower so that I could towel dry my hair the way I usually did - the piercing had gotten in the way of that. I couldn't take it out then, probably because my hands and the earring were still wet. At this point my hair was dry, so I decided to try it again while I was looking at my closet trying to decide what to wear.

Oh, it came out alright. The problem was getting it back in.

I got it in, but could not for the life of me find the hole in the back to get it all the way through. It hurt, and I was getting upset imagining another infection coming on if I didn't get it back in in the next like five minutes. By the time I called my mom (I'm not sure what I thought she would do, really - I had to be at work in less time than it would take her to get there), I was really worked up. I was so worked up, in fact, that I almost passed out. Literally. I mean, I was pale as death, cold sweating, everything. I sat on the floor because I felt like I would fall there if I didn't. Another problem was that I hadn't eaten breakfast, which was obviously contributing to my desire to pass out.

I finally got enough strength to go to the kitchen and quickly eat some breakfast. Mom and I decided that it would be best if I just waited until I got to work and let someone else put it in, because I apparently wasn't going to be able to do it. I made it to work and asked one of the women to put it back in, explaining my stupid move. Thankfully, I didn't even really feel it when she pushed it through. I'm just praying now that it doesn't get infected and cause a lot of issues. I brought disinfectant, and I am utilizing it.

So there is just one of my moments of stupidity. Believe me, I am not taking another earring out for another month at the least.

This is one of the reasons why I don't want to mess with beauty stuff - it always bites me back when I don't get it right.

Parenting?

2009-09-28T08:37:00.004-06:00

Before you freak out, let me just preface this with the statement that I am NOT pregnant nor am I anywhere near being so. No worries there. I just wanted to clear that up.

Ryan and I are in a community group through Fellowship Bible Church, the church we attend in Jackson. With the exception of us and two single ladies, it's all married couples. I don't find that weird or intimidating at all; I think it's fun to see how their relationships work, and I get the feeling that we're kind of in a marital counseling group - which appeals to my future-counseling-career self. Anyway, the study we're doing is Fearless, by Max Lucado. We're only one lesson in, but last night we started big with talking about our biggest fears. All the married couples have at least one kid, and as a result every one of their fears had something to do with their kids. Mostly they feared losing their kids, their kids suffering serious injuries, dying before their kids had grown up, or their kids being abducted. One father said that one of his greatest fears was what his son would get into, what trouble he would cause. He listed things like drugs, alcohol, getting in the wrong crowd, getting some girl pregnant...and so on. I began to think, "Geez, what is this kid already into that his dad is that worried about him?"

The kid is 12.

Once that was cleared up, the dad made it clear that his son had not yet exhibited any major tendencies towards fulfilling his father's fears; it was just the possibilities that scared the man.

Now, at this point I have to admit that I kind of worry about that now. Yes, it is a long way off to worry about who my future teenagers will become, but I just think of how much could go wrong with my parenting or despite of it. Ryan told me afterward that it made him nervous to hear the couples talk about the trouble they've had with their kids and the things they worry about. I told him that that's just how it is; I know I'll probably be just as worrisome as my mom is, and I pray that I will be able to see the fruits of my raising in my kids the way I think me and my siblings exhibit our parents'.

Obviously in talking about fear we discussed how fear can undermine our faith if we let it get to us, failing to give all our worries to God. We search for peace, but we constantly find something to worry about, something to control and bring into submission, when it is not our place to do so.

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6,7

I want that peace so badly. Sometimes I find that I can obtain it for just a moment, obeying God and giving my fears to Him. Unfortunately, it never lasts, and I pick up the same old worries and fears I had before, not feeling "comfortable" without the all-too-familiar shroud of fear and doubt. We are all burdened by this in different ways, but the answer to our problem remains the same:

Give it to God.

Here's the Thing...

2009-09-25T08:04:00.004-06:00

I'm happy. That's a wonderful thing - as anyone would tell you - but it doesn't incite me to blog. It appears that because I am happy, I have nothing to blog about. Seems ridiculous, doesn't it?? I think it does. You'd think I want to blog even more, but noooo, that's not how it goes! I've always known that writing poetry, songs, or in a journal (whether private or not so much) has been a great way for me to vent and deal with the difficult things in life. It's healthy, and I enjoy it. Nevertheless, I feel as though I am short-changing my happiness by not exuding it through writing as well.

See, I'm blanking right now. I find that as hard as it is sometimes to put my moanings into words, it is even more difficult to express happiness. What is that?! It kind of worries me. I wonder if it is something within me that shuns the idea of putting into words that which could so easily depart. I admit that I am for the most part pessimistic. I realize this, knowing that I should know better - or have better faith.

I am digressing. And writing in a melancholy manner. Forgive me.

God is great. Did you know that? He shows me every day that He loves me, and though I so often miss it I would be lost without it. It's ironic how the things we thrive on the most, the things we can't truly live without, we forget or take for granted that we don't have to work for them. Maybe it's because of that that we do take them for granted. Or maybe it's because we don't think it could possibly be that easy.

I find that I am constantly trying to live up to standards, whether it be my own, someone else's, or the ones I think God has set for me. I don't see it as trying to work towards salvation; I think I see it as my God-demanded duty to uphold them. Somewhere along the line, though, it mutates.

I was reading my Bible last week, and felt like reading some of the study guide stuff at the bottom. In one of the paragraphs I found a sentence that I desire to be my mantra:

"In essentials, unity; in nonessentials, liberty; in everything, love."

How succinctly does that sum it all up?? If it involves something important, we as a Church are supposed to stick together and work it out with our fellow believers. In the stuff that doesn't really matter to anyone but little old ladies or self-righteous conservatives, we are free! To me, that includes things like whether or not to drink, tattoos, and a ton of other things that people scream and shout arguing over - they don't matter. Maybe I'm taking a liberal view on it, but to me that's what it's saying. The Bible does say, however, that we must respect others and respect how their belief system works. If your friend cannot drink without feeling as though she nailed Christ's hand to the cross (which "technically" we all did anyway), don't tempt her into it and stay away from it while you're around her. <-- There's the unity part! Actually, even more that unity, that is the love part exemplified! By respecting her beliefs and accommodating your own with hers, you are love in action. It all comes together. This is the time at which I have to say that this is not permission to go buck-wild and disregard any moral code. This is when you should listen to the Holy Spirit within you, working with you to show God's love through your own personal life and therefore testimony. We are called to hate what is wrong and stand on the side of good (Romans 12:9-11). I read through all of Romans the past few weeks, and it may possibly be my favorite book. At the very least, it has my now favorite passage. The passage hit me as beautiful and absolutely joyful.

I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away.
Romans 8:38

Gah!! I love it. How amazing is that?! Nothing we or anyone else does will ever separate us. Satan tried that, and Jesus shot him down. To me, that is incredibly encouraging, because I've worried so long about all the things I could do wrong, all the ways I could mess up God's plans, all the ways that I've failed the people around me. This Scripture once again shows that we are free in Christ to live our lives without worry or fear that we will ever be separating from our heavenly Father.

We don't always understand how God loves us, because we get blinded by the people who hurt us, the loss of loved ones, and the suffering we endure. I'm helping with a 5th grade Sunday school class, where they are learning that God has allowed Satan to rule the world - for a short period of time. God is with us, however, giving us the strength to fight Satan each day and live for the glory of God. It's a difficult war in which we lose many battles, but we know how it ends. ;)

2009-06-26T00:30:00.003-06:00

I'm fully aware that it's been a little over a month since I graduated from Union, and I have yet to deliver on the "reminiscing" post I promised so long ago. I guess I've been waiting for the right mood to find me, enabling me to express all that has transpired over the last four years - or at least the important parts.

I believe I would not be remiss to say that my four years in college were the hardest years of my life. It would also be correct to claim that they are - so far - the most important and transforming. I can hardly remember the girl I was in high school; she seems so very different and somewhat lost from me. I say this not to be remorseful, but because it is the truth. There were many times that I wished I could be that same person I once was. Things seemed easier then. I seemed so less complicated and scarred than I am now.

Before every YoungLife club, we had a leader meeting to discuss our plan for the night. Each time we were asked a question, and each person gave an answer. About the only question I can now recall is, "When you go to visit home, at what point do you feel you are truly home?" I contemplated my answer, and responded that I always felt like I was home. To me, Union was home. My closest friends were there, my whole life seemed to be there. Now my house in Big Buck was simply an extension of my home.

Other times I felt this very way. However, there were times that I would have given anything to be anywhere else. I considered transferring schools, primarily to get away from certain people whose presence pained me. I went into a flight-fight response and strongly desired to fly. I thank God that I didn't.

I feel as though my losses were not that many; it was the quality that hurt me the most. Those I trusted the most turned away, or - to my great regret - were forsaken by me. The latter grieve me most.

Sometimes I still wonder how different my life would be had one thing not happened. If I hadn't gotten so close to that one friend. If I hadn't wimped out and scampered away on another. If I had transferred. If I hadn't gone to Union at all. If I hadn't changed my major twice and ended up in Theories of Personality class when I did, sat next to this guy that made me laugh (I'm a sucker for those guys), ended up dating him then falling in love with him...

Who would I be?

It's so instinctually human to question what could have been; we can never quite be satisfied in thinking that this is just the way things are. Things could always be different. Decisions always affect what happens next. Time always slips away from us, and before we know it we're in this place we never thought we'd be but somehow feel is right.

I've wondered before and discussed plenty about the possible conflict between the fact that God knows everything and yet we have free will. C. S. Lewis explained this in that God knows how every decision we make will affect everything else. He sees every path we could possibly take, of which of course there are an innumerable amount.

Sometimes I wish I could just get a glimpse of how my life would be had I gone to Belmont instead of Union, or transferred to Bethel like I considered doing my sophomore year, or actually stuck with my first choice of major. Call it curiosity. I am confident in the fact that no matter what other direction I could have taken, God would have been with me through it all, just as He has been and is now.

Forgive me for taking a more sorrowful slant on my years at Union; it would appear that I for the most part was downtrodden and hurt. Such is not the case. I was a part of an amazing soccer team, of which I was the first signee and played all four years. I've gained some absolutely incredible friends for whom I am eternally grateful. I am the holder of a great degree from a great institution. I am a different and possibly more grown-up person than I was four years ago. I found my amazing boyfriend whom I can't imagine being without. I learned that God is merciful, forgiving, teaching, and most importantly loving. Well, I guess I knew that before - but isn't such knowledge so much more real once you've actually seen it for yourself?

I guess that since I'll be around Union (technically) for another year, it doesn't feel as though I've truly left. I didn't fully cry at graduation (shocker, I know); at my high school graduation I cried three times and walked out nigh bawling. Maybe when you leave high school you know you're expected to grow up in college; maybe subconsciously we know how hard that will be. You leave childhood behind in high school, you leave the friends you grew up with to meet completely new people. Maybe you're just naive at that point.

It's possible I am simply rambling now. For fear of boring you with another few paragraphs of my reminiscing or whatever this is, I shall cease. :)

Two Weeks is Too Long

2009-05-08T15:23:00.002-06:00

One more week of classes, then almost freedom. I have never been more impatient for summer to get here.

Graduation is May 23rd, but it seems farther away than that with all the stuff that still needs to be done. Hours for practicum, four tests, research papers, journals... Ugh. However, I feel like I've got a pretty good handle on it all and plan to get everything done in a timely fashion - including starting my research paper at least three days in advance. ;)

Soon I will blog and reminisce about my time at Union, but for now I'm keeping it short and mainly expressing my desire to be finished with the semester and get a break from schoolwork.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not really leaving Union, since I'll be here for almost another year and a half working (hopefully at a counseling center). I'll definitely be going to see the team play in the fall - BOTH teams. I'm kind of glad I'll be around for this next year, because I have a lot of great friends graduating during that time. I can delay being away from them for another year, and that makes me happy. Of course, I am mainly glad to be around for Ryan, this guy I kind of like. Kidding! I love him. :)

The date is closing in, but time seems to speed up and stand still all at the same time. I'm beginning to realize that I should be relishing the busyness that my life is right now, because it means I'm at the end of being a college student and the beginning of (almost) being an adult. That adult thing should be looked at with some trepidation, which I have in a healthy amount.

23 Days

2009-04-29T08:41:00.002-06:00

And I will be graduated! Holy crap. Exciting, yet a little frightening. I'm really more excited to just get this semester over with so that I can spend more time with Ryan, watch movies, read a lot of good fiction, and just chill. Of course, I will be studying for the GRE so that I can get a better score when I take it again some time this fall. Eh, no problem. :)

It's amazing how God works things out. I always knew He would, but sometimes I get so caught up in waiting for something to happen I forget that when it doesn't happen or doesn't happen the way I thought it should I should accept it - because God has a plan in it.

A couple weeks ago I was really stressing out about what my plans were for the next year or so. I started flipping through Psalms looking for some comfort. Of course, Psalms pulled through for me.

"The Lord will work out His plans for my life -
for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.
Don't abandon me, for you made me."
Psalm 138:8

We're told not to worry about anything, but of course we all do. Blasted human nature... I also came across Psalm 103, which I really liked. Now I will give it to you. :)

"Praise the Lord, I tell myself;
with my whole heart, I will praise His holy name.
Praise the Lord, I tell myself,
and never forget the good things He does for me.
He forgives all my sins
and heals all my diseases.
He ransoms me from death
and surrounds me with love and tender mercies.
He fills my life with good things.
My youth is renewed like the eagle's!
The Lord gives righteousness
and justice to all who are treated unfairly.
He revealed His character to Moses
and his deeds to the people of Israel.
The Lord is merciful and gracious;
He is slow to get angry and full of unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us,
nor remain angry forever.
He has not punished us for all our sins,
nor does He deal with us as we deserve.
For His unfailing love toward those who fear Him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
He has removed our rebellious acts
as far away from us as the east is from the west.
The Lord is like a father to His children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear Him.
For He understands how weak we are;
He knows we are only dust.
Our days on earth are like grass;
like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
The wind blows, and we are gone -
as though we had never been here.
But the love of the Lord remains forever
with those who fear Him.
His salvation extends to the children's children
of those who are faithful to His covenant,
of those who obey His commandments!
The Lord has made the heavens His throne;
from there He rules over everything.
Praise the Lord, you angels of His,
you mighty creatures who carry out His plans,
listening for each of His commands.
Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels
who serve Him and do His will!
Praise the Lord, everything He has created,
everywhere in His kingdom.
As for me - I, too, will praise the Lord."

Are You a Mannequin?

2009-04-12T16:57:00.004-06:00

Think about all the Bible heroes and heroines. The men and women we hear about in Sunday School and at church as Christians who did God's will. Ruth, who decided to take care of her mother-in-law instead of running back to her family; David, who was God's chosen king; Solomon, who asked God for wisdom and was blessed with that plus everything else; Peter, whom God used to build His Church.... I could go for days.

But wait a minute - these people were not ideal role models. Adulterers, murderers, liars, deceivers, lawbreakers - these are the people we look to for models of Christian faith??

What a lot of non-Christians want to see is those people's mistakes. They had affairs with married women, slept with their family members, disowned Jesus, broke all the rules of custom, ran from their responsibilities, etc. How are we supposed to be "good" Christians if all we have (minus one) for examples are these sinners who a lot of the time seemed to only be living for themselves?

Obviously Jesus is the only perfect example we have to follow. All of the others in the Bible were simply human, like ourselves. They made mistakes - just like we do - that we should be able to learn from.

More than that, I believe there is a more general lesson to be taken from the stories of these great people's mistakes.

A lot of Christians worry about looking "good" - and not just physically. One thing I've heard from Christians and non-Christians alike is that a lot of Christians are just straight up fake. I've seen it myself. I've honestly done it, as well. We love to play this game, wear this facade that everything is okay because we love the Lord! Yes, we love the Lord - but everything is not always okay. You can raise your hands during worship at church all you want, but if the conviction is not there, if the faith and confession are not there, you're just waving your hand at the ceiling.

One time I was going through a really hard time in my life, and I was constantly in a depressed mood. A friend (who was struggling as well) told me, "If you act like you're okay long enough, eventually you will be." I didn't quite agree with it then, and I don't agree with it now. I am not saying that you should tell everyone you see your entire sob story; not everyone wants to hear it, trust me. I am saying that you should be honest about not always being at the top of your game. Everyone has bad days, everyone struggles with their faith at some point - it is okay. One day an acquaintance asked me how was I was doing as we walked towards each other on the sidewalk. I can't quite remember my answer, but it was something along the lines of, "Well, I've been better." She said, "I'm glad you were honest! Most people just say 'Fine' and move on!"

I strive to be a good role model, and fail quite often. I'm bound to mess up, but that does not mean I give up trying. Nor do I try to hide the fact that I do in fact fall. Jesus's message is about forgiveness, but so often we try to act like we don't even need it! His forgiveness doesn't just forgive what we did before we were Christians; it completely covers us after as well! Why do we keep missing that or try to cover it up?? Are we ashamed that we still need to be forgiven? When we try to act like we're perfect, we give others too much to live up to. If we want to reach others, why do we set ourselves so far apart? We're not helping fellow Christians by pretending to be perfect; those that are struggling are afraid to shatter their image enough to ask someone else for help.

Why do we have to look so good? Yes, we are called to follow Christ's example, but that does not mean hiding our indiscretions and praying no one finds out. The people in the Bible who tried to hide their mistakes were always revealed; they were always brought to judgement. Why do we think we won't meet the same fate? Those people were most of the time publicly confronted about their sins by prophets who were sent by God to show that no one is above reproach and no one is inaccessable to forgiveness.

God never asked us to "look" like we were doing His will. He actually practically asks us not to do that - yet we still try. We are saved by faith, not by anything we do, say, or think - and definitely not by how people see us. What are we living for if all we worry about is what someone else thinks of us? God calls us to live for His glory - not our own nor anyone else's.

Own your mistakes, learn from them and move on. Learn your weaknesses, work on strengthening them and ask for help. Confess your sins, know that everyone messes up and don't try to hide them. We are all human and shouldn't be expected to be anything other than less than perfect - that goes for you, too.

By the way, mannequins creep me out (see title above). I always hated that I could mistake them for real people, yet they weren't. It's unnatural. Literally.

Up Next?

2009-04-08T13:56:00.002-06:00

I got a rejection letter from Appalachian State University, my counseling program of choice. When I first got the news (the letter was sent home), I became upset. I wasn't sure what to do next. I'm still not %100 sure, but I know everything will be okay. Right now I'm going to work on getting accepted later to App State and getting a psychology related job somewhere here in Jackson or nearby.

God has a plan and He is in control - that settles my hearts more than anything. Things may not be going the way I thought they needed to, but there is a reason for this. I knew that this was a possibility, and I am taking responsibility for my own fault in this. I know where God has put my heart, and I am determined to get there with His help.

The Past and Now

2009-04-04T11:34:00.002-06:00

Holding on, letting go
To all that ever made me who I know
Bring me up, tear me down
Challenging everything I thought was sound

Looking to the past
While still moving forward
Am I stuck in limbo
Starving myself?

I am here, fully
Because I've hurt and been hurt truly
It's my own fault
For imagining what could be

Nothing to regret - maybe
How can anyone be sure
When all that happened
Is set in malleable stone

Words restrict me, hold me back
My heart can say so much more
Tell my story, tell my truths
But only God can hear it all

He brought me here
And I am finding daily
That His strength is all I need
His grace gives me my love

Riding Planes and Jumping Out of Them

2009-03-29T11:51:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting in the Denver airport, waiting until my 7:00 flight - with seven more hours to go. Blurg! I'm coming back from San Jose, California, visiting Tiven. Before San Jose, I was in Tacoma with Lauren for a few days. I love traveling, except for the fact that it costs money. :)

While it does cost quite a bit of money - especially a trip to Ireland, Scotland, and England for two weeks - to me it's totally worth it. Since I'm going to grad school in the fall (from my keyboard to God's ears...), I know that it'll be a while before I can do stuff like this, flying all over the country and at least one part of the world. I love to travel, and I wanted to take the opportunities I received to do so.

I went skydiving in Hollister, CA, with Tiven on Friday. Holy crap. I was perfectly fine until we actually started moving towards the door; when we got there, I believe my brain shut down and all it could manage was thinking, "WHAT THE H-E-DOUBLEHOCKEYSTICKS WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?!" I completely shut my eyes for the backflip we did out of the plane - at least I think I did, because I can't remember seeing anything at that point. The whole time we were freefalling, I tried to focus on breathing like Coach always told us to when we were running our butts off - breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth. I was freaking out. When the parachute came out, I was so relieved. That part was actually pretty cool. It was a beautiful view, of course.

I paid to have it videotaped, and my expression when we jump out is pretty priceless; you can see the terror on my face, and even see me mouthing some not so nice words when we got to the door. :( Sorry, Mom. However, I'm pretty sure you're going to say the same thing when you see it. It's pretty funny, actually, to see how terrified I was.

I think a lot of people are confused in this airport; I keep seeing a lot of the same people walk by with somewhat confused looks on their faces. And there's a guy trying to get people to sign up for a credit card. People are interesting to watch.

Anyway, the entire trip was fun, but I'm glad to be coming home. I missed Ryan. :) Now to get off and waste another seven hours...

Bowling Prequel

2009-03-07T20:34:00.002-06:00

It's pretty sad that it's been almost a month since my last post. I'd hoped I would keep up with this better, and up until this semester I did. However...nineteen hours of school, a few hours of work a week, and a boyfriend I want to spend all my time with - add it all together, and you've got blogging at the end of a very long and time-consuming list.

Not that I'm complaining. Well, about school, yes. I am beyond ready for school to be over this semester. There is so much to do. Blurg.

I am currently watching the 100 Greatest Rock Songs of All Time on VH1. I LOVE watching the 100 whatever, no matter what it is. But I just keep thinking that it's incredible how influential music is. It's something everyone can discuss, whether you disagree with someone's musical tastes or are totally in sync with them. There are band names that everyone in the civilized world has heard, even if they don't necessarily know their music.

Going to concerts is awesome. Especially rock concerts. I went to a Flyleaf concert three years ago - incredible! I typically don't like to look like an idiot, but I had my hands in the air (mostly with rock hands), jumping like a loon, screaming the lyrics. Awesome. When Lavon and I went to see Paramore in Nashville, "Misery Business" had me dancing in public - if you know me at all, you know that's a big deal. Certain music apparently takes away my inhibitions. Haha. I definitely plan to see Evanescence and Yellowcard in concert; they are two of my favorite bands ever and would be amazing to see live.

I also enjoy the not-so-crazy concerts, like The Fray, KT Tunstall, and Sara Bareilles. I just enjoy good music. Ryan and I are going to see Adele in Nashville in like a week and a half, and I am stoked about that. Her voice is fantastic.

Hopefully I didn't repeat any adjectives, because I'm pretty sure I used a ton in the last two paragraphs. Lol.

Random thought: Wouldn't it be interesting to see our parents and other adults in our lives at concerts when they were our age?? Hm... I saw Lavon at Paramore, and she was pretty hyped. It was awesome. Haha.

Another random thought: You know everyone has a personal scent? I wonder what mine smells like. Once I was in Idaho visiting a friend when I walked into a room and got hit with the familiar scent of one of my good friends back home - far far away from Idaho. That was kind of strange but cool.

I'm going to quit forewarning for random thoughts and now spout without preamble.

I am totally having a library and a movie room in my house. Separate rooms for each, mind you. My dream library would be one modeled after the library in the Biltmore House in North Carolina. Go see it if you haven't. I love that entire house and its grounds. My family has been there at least three times. I think. I'm not sure.

I don't think I could write a whole album. Not an entire album of decent songs, anyway. Haha.

Seriously, Bret Michaels? This is getting sad. At least Tila Tequila decided to call it quits after the second season. Sorry, VH1 is ridiculously and tragically addictive.

We're going bowling tonight! Fun entails...

Apparently the way to find true love is to put suitors through ludicrous games that are degrading and without viable reason. Therefore...Ryan, prepare to go through an obstacle course which will possibly include jumping into a pool with some liquid not meant to be used for swimming, dressing up like a complete tool and explaining your dress incompetently, engaging in a game that has only slightly veiled sexual innuendos, and proving that nothing says love like showing me how absolutely ridiculous you can be. Of course, that last one is totally acceptable. :) I guess they're trying to take being a "fool" for love to an entirely new and never intended level.

Whatup, Brand New Semester!

2009-02-09T19:59:00.002-06:00

I know it's been forever since I posted anything, but there's been a LOT going on! You gotta give me a break. Work has been almost erased from my life, a new semester has started, I now have a boyfriend...a LOT. :D This semester will be one of the hardest from an academic standpoint, but at this moment in time I'm also sure it's going to be at least one of the best if not THE best semester ever. As my last at good old Union, it needs to be. School will not be neglected (entirely), but I will not sacrifice spending time with the people who mean the most to me. These next few months will be the last real chance I have to spend time with these people for a while, and I mean to get the most out of it. There are many people I will miss when I leave here. There are also a few I will not - to be perfectly honest. Which is what I strive to do on here and in general. I hate lying. It never does anyone any good.

Adele won a Grammy for Best New Artist, which she so deserves. Lately her song "Right as Rain" has kind of been my anthem, mainly these words: "Who wants to be right as rain / It's better when something is wrong...Who wants to be right as rain / It's harder when you're on top." Those words are so true right now, when so much is going so well (cough*ryan*cough), but someone else is really worrying me. It's one of those situations where I want to help, to do anything to make it clear, but I'm not sure what the first move is. We all seem to have this mechanism that switches on when things seem to be going really great; this mechanism triggers that voice in our heads that says, "Something bad is about to happen, because all this wonderful can't last forever." Although it is true - everything can't always be fantastic - we should learn to sit back and enjoy the times that are. More than that, to enjoy the things that are wonderful, despite the things that are bad. Right now, I am enjoying the things - the people - that are wonderful, while not neglecting those that aren't. Ignoring it won't help either, although a lot of people like to adopt that strategy.

Anyway, school is going to be difficult, seeing as I'm taking nineteen hours - blurg! Nevertheless, I will survive. Lol. Only 102 more days, according to my graduation countdown. Sweet! :)

Trip Recap!

2009-01-25T13:37:00.003-06:00

Right now I'm in one of those strange moments in time when time seems to slow down. I'm sitting here, basically ready for work, and it feels like it should have been time to go about thirty minutes ago. Therefore, to pass the time I decided to blog a bit about our trip!

We flew into Dublin (all at different times but within two hours of each other) on January 3. On the 4th we went on a day trip to Belfast in Northern Ireland. What an interesting city! Ninety-seven percent of the city is divided into Protestant and Catholic. Religious segregation in action, daily. There's even a wall that runs three miles between them. January 5 we left on our 3-day tour of southern Ireland. We hit a ton of stuff, like Galway, Killarney, the Blarney Castle, Cliffs of Moher...and so on. Our tour guide, Joe, was awesome. When we first boarded the bus, he said, "Is there anyone easily offended on this bus? If there is...here's the door." I loved all the stories and his humor. We got back from that on the seventh and had a free day in Dublin on the eighth. We took the opportunity to visit the Guinness Storehouse, the Long Room at Trinity College, and went on a pub crawl that night. On the pub crawl (which was a musical one), they asked three of us (the crowd) to get up and entertain them. I went second and sang "I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker (With Flowers in My Hair)." It was a blast.

The next day we flew out of Dublin into Edinburgh, Scotland. Even at night we could tell that Edinburgh was an awesome city. Unfortunately, early the next morning we left on our three-day tour and never got to spend a full day in Edinburgh. Our tour took us into the Highlands of Scotland and the Isle of Skye. The Highlands were just gorgeous, and we all fell in love with the country. Glen Shiel was by far my favorite area to drive through. For the two nights we stayed in the Stationmaster's House in Stromeferry, basically out in the middle of nowhere. Two men live in the house and take care of, and one of them (Gordon) worked with Mel Gibson on Braveheart! He was hardcore, and we loved him. He now does a lot of scouting for movies all around Scotland. On the last day of our tour we visited Loch Ness - which I swam in. :D Yes, it was ridiculously cold, and, no, I couldn't feel anything when I got out. Haha. I know it was a crazy thing to do, but it was so worth just to say I did it. It was an experience, too, stripping on the beach when I got out. Lol. I had to get my wet clothes off and change, and I wasn't going to get very far. Meagan, Anna, and Tiven brought me all my stuff and covered me as best they could.

The day after we got back from our tour, we hopped on the train to London. I just realized that I stopped putting dates, but I think it'll be okay. ;) We checked into our hotel that evening, and quickly wished we were back in hostels. The room smelled bad, and Tiven's bed pretty much collapsed when she sat on it. After we got back from eating and walking around London, we ended up changing rooms - and arrived in a room whose heater was broken. The next day they fixed it, but it was dead again before the next night. Our first full day in London we went on a free walking tour (you could tip the guide) and went to see Sunset Boulevard, a musical production. It was a good show; we went in not knowing what it was about, but it turned out to be a good choice. We really wanted to see Dirty Dancing, but we didn't find discounted tickets until after we'd already bought tickets for the first one. We went to Dirty Dancing the next night, after we got back from our day tour to Windsor Castle, Stonehenge, and Oxford.

While we were in London, Tiven's flight got cancelled; she had to change her flight to the next day - MY flight! My original itinerary changed back in August, and I was already leaving a day later than the others. I was glad that Tiven ended up being on my flight and therefore being able to spend another day in Dublin with me. We flew from Luton Airport in England back to Dublin. Anna and Meagan flew out the next day, and Tiven and I had a free day in Dublin. We finished our souvenir shopping, watched Bride Wars in a theatre, and ate sushi for dinner. Ironically enough, that day was the only day of non-sunny weather we'd had the whole of our time in Ireland. Haha.

There are so many stories to tell, but I won't put them here. We all kept travel journals, which is great for remembering everything that happened - and there was a LOT. I also took about 860 pictures and video. I'm going to put SOME of them on Facebook soon; I had some serious issues last week just trying to get the data off my camera onto my external hard drive. Blurg. I do have it figured out now, though, so it's happy days. :)

Possibly a Product of Delirium

2008-12-17T09:58:00.003-06:00

I don't have many crazy faces. It's just like the same three over and over again.

Creeper neighbor man is getting even more creepier as we speak. Is it possible he has multiple personalities? One that is anal about everything, specifically lights, and one that is just a nice old man who likes to randomly talk to you or help your grandmother sweep the leaves from your door.

I got kicked out of Career Services for not having slept in twenty-four hours. I would cry discrimination - or prejudice, because it was assumed that I was delirious. Not that it wasn't right, it was just assumed. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I passed the main point of delirium about six hours ago. Oh, well. Just more time to finish these ridiculous, agonizing, torturing programs sooner.

I plan on printing out another copy of each program just to BURN them. You may think I am kidding - but I am not.

There are still like seven meals left on my Dawg Tag. I doubt I will use them in the next two days. I did use it this morning, though.

Apparently even the Monsters with the sealed lid go bad after about three weeks if they were already open.

I hope I don't get dizzy like last time I drank an entire Monster. I haven't finished a whole one yet, but there's not much left of it.

The rearview mirror soccer ball hanging thing broke yesterday, which is quite ironic considering it's only been a month and a half since my soccer career has been over. Perfect timing...

I'M READY TO LEAVE FOR IRELAND!!! However, I have to get grad school applications in before we leave, which isn't very exciting. Well, it kind of is, but it also worries me. Like, a lot.

Graduation in May seems a long way away, but I know it's actually not. I truly believe that despite the fact that I am taking nineteen hours next semester there is no way it'll be harder than this semester has been. I refuse to see that as a possibility. If it is, I'm pretty sure I can't handle it.

I want a library in my house. With a full wall for my DVDs. Hecka yeah.

I knew Peter had to get his powers back on Heroes. It HAD to happen. I was furious when he lost them to his evil father, but I always held out hope. I wonder how things are going to go down now that it appears that most of the truly evil characters are gone. I don't think they really are, but I just hope the next volume the villains aren't all in control again - even though Nathan seems to have jumped off the deep end.

Grey's Anatomy better step it up as well. This Denny crap is just that - crap. Really? He's dead. Let it go. Let Izzie move on. I have no idea how they're going to rationalize this, because apparently they already squashed the rumor that Izzie would end up having a tumor. Alex doesn't need another crazy girl when he's trying to have a decent relationship.

Private Practice and 30 Rock are awesome. Maybe the Private Practice/Grey's Anatomy crossover will do Grey's some good. Btw, I'm glad Hahn's gone, but not real excited about Callie and Sadie. You can't help but get the feeling that it's anti-Prop 8 propaganda.

Now back to finishing this stupid, vile, venomous program.

BLURG and BOO.

My Truth

2008-12-04T14:30:00.003-06:00

Twisting, falling, dying words
In the woods and no one hears
Everyone lies, this much is true
And something dies inside of you

All that I wanted was not enough
And that was too much for me
Ask me what it means
I don't think I can answer

I feel too much, cry too loud
Shoulders always bowed
Always waiting for you
Feeling the time linger

The past seems beautiful
When all was simple, perfect
It all went wrong and I'm left
Holding what never happened

I've lost the words and the trust behind them
I hide hoping to be found
If my heart is to be given away
I wonder who will take it

Holy Cow

2008-11-22T19:40:00.004-06:00

Not literally. But almost.

I took a online personality test that is based on the Myers-Briggs personality test, which is a solid test. This was obviously a shorter version, but apparently just as accurate. Here are my results...

I am an ISFJ - Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging.

slightly expressed introvert
moderately expressed sensing personality
distinctively expressed feeling personality (duh)
moderately expressed judging personality

Here are a couple of profiles of an ISFJ, otherwise known as a Protector:
Portrait of a Protector
ISFJ Profile

So I suggest you take it for yourself. And let me know your results! :)

Personality Test

It's Been a While

2008-11-20T10:03:00.003-06:00

I haven't posted a lot this semester, and it's not really because I'm too busy. I guess I just have a lot of other stuff to think about - like graduating. AHHHHHHH! :)

Speaking of school...BOO research proposals, marriage and family programs, and my horrible, awful procrastination. I am so stubborn. Nevertheless, I WILL get it done - on time and pretty well.

It's still kind of weird sometimes that I am actually graduating in May. Holy cow. Really? Most of the time, though, I feel like I'm completely ready for the next step. Which, hopefully, will be grad school. I'm ready for a new place and new people (not to say anything against anyone here - I will miss many people). New experiences, as well. It excites me.

Yesterday I had a meeting with Renee Jones in Career Services. We went over the resume (which I kind of threw together quickly) I had made last week. Let me just tell you, it looks like someone died and bled all over it. Lol. Obviously, making resumes are not my strong point. Give me an essay. No, please don't. That was a joke. Anyway, there had to be a "Profile" section at the top - basically 6-8 of your qualities. That was just a flipping blast. I felt horrible for Renee, because it was like pulling teeth from me. I am glad that I didn't do it on my own; she really helped me come up with things and ways to word them that rock. Those people are there for a reason. Now I wish I'd gone to them sooner. Even though deadlines aren't until January and February, I should have been way ahead of the game. I read one guide to grad school that said junior year you should take the GRE. I thought, "Yeah...if only I wasn't an ENGINEERING major at the time!" One of my "qualities" is that I am well-rounded. ;)

Someone told me about this awesome website, www.echoprayer.com. You add prayers, then set up an e-mailing or texting schedule for them to remind you to pray. It's basically sweet. I have a lot of reminders set up throughout the day to remind me to thank God for at least one thing; it's made me appreciate things more. So often we forget that there are innumerable things to be thankful for every day.

And speaking of God, can I just tell you I am stoked about Klemata?! We had our leader retreat this past weekend. All the girls were incredible, and I cannot wait to see how God is going to use each of us to make an impact on other women at Union. It kind of makes me nervous to think I'll be leading my own small group of girls, but I have no doubts that God has put me in this position and He will give me the ability to exalt His name - which is what I'm here for anyway, right? ;)

Passing Good Stuff On

2008-10-30T15:10:00.003-06:00

The Klemata blog posted this article just today, and it's pretty awesome. Sometimes I feel like it's kind of pointless to go to church - that sounds bad, but that's just how it is. I completely miss the purpose of attending church: to be a part of the body of Christ. Anyway, this article says it way better than I can. It's mostly focused on college students, but it applies to everyone.

http://www.henryinstitute.org/commentary_read.php?cid=484

The End of Something Important

2008-10-26T22:32:00.002-06:00

Friday was the last game of my college soccer career. And it was awesome. Haha.

It really was, though. It was the best possible game I could have ended on. We played a difficult team that had beat us earlier this season, and we came out on top. We all played hard. I almost scored!! Gah... My left-footed shot hit the crossbar; just a few inches lower and it would have been a goal. I still have a ball print on the inside of my knee, which is pretty crazy. I believe that may have been the hardest I've ever played. Well, one of the times I've played that hard. Technically that's not a good thing; it means I haven't been playing to the fullest of my ability all the time. I know in reality that no one does, but you understand what I'm saying. I don't think it's that, though. It was just one of those tough games. And it was my last. I had to go out in the best way possible.

At one point I considered making a list of things I've learned from college soccer. Maybe I will. Right now I don't have the desire to get into thinking that much. There are plenty of other things on my mind, like schoolwork and grad school applications - things I should have more time to work on now that I don't have soccer to worry about.

I think the weirdest thing will be next semester, when soccer won't exist for me. I believe that will be when I just won't know what to do with myself.

Btw...

I LOVE MY SOCCER GIRLS!!

Sighting the End

2008-10-13T22:10:00.003-06:00

Today was (hopefully) my last appointment with Dr. Antwine EVER!!! :D If you are not aware, Dr. Antwine is an orthopedic surgeon over at West TN Bone & Joint clinic who I have been seeing every time I've been injured since freshman year. He did my fasciotomy freshman year, and I've seen him I believe a minimum of three times every year since! He's a great guy; I just wish I hadn't had to see him that much. Haha. Today he said, "I think we can get you through three more games, then you're clear! No more of this!" AMEN!!

I've also been to physical therapy every year, except maybe last year. Well, I did do PT - just not in Jackson. By now Tom (a PT at Bone & Joint) knows me real well. A few weeks ago when I was there for a session I told him I realized what was wrong with me: Freshman year when I was finished with therapy, Tom told me, "You come back and visit us, let us know how you're doing!" Apparently my body took that to mean that it had to break down in order to allow this. I said, "Tom, this is all YOUR fault."

No more. There will never be another preseason or summer workout preparing for preseason. My body is (almost) done killing itself for a sport. I will definitely stay active; I can't imagine not doing so. I gotta keep weight off! :D Haha. Chances are I'm going to be totally lost without soccer next semester. I feel like I'll have a ridiculous amount of free time on my hands, but I know differently. I have to get ready to graduate in May and go to grad school in the fall. Holy cow... It still throws me off occasionally, even though I really feel like it's just the natural progression of things. I'm looking forward to it. Yes, I'll cry at the senior game and graduation, etc., but I'm ready to move on.

The other day I was in Coburn, and I saw one of my favorite soccer girls, whom I smiled and probably winked at. It hit me that I would miss her, as well as several of the other girls on the team. I'll miss them even next semester, when I won't have practice with any of them. It was a realization that these girls are awesome, and many of them have touched my life in some way whether big or small. I wish I could be there to see them continue growing and evolving, but I know that that's what I have to do in leaving here.

I hope I've made a difference. I hope I continue to make a difference until the day I am gone. That is solely dependent upon me - not anyone else.

Being Broken

2008-09-07T22:32:00.002-06:00

In order for God to truly use someone for His purposes, they have to be broken. I'm pretty sure it's because our humanity wouldn't allow it otherwise. We like to be in control, to be the one in the driver's seat, the one who calls the shots.

I like to know the plan. What's next, what I have to do in order to make everything work. But so often - well, basically constantly - I don't know anything at all. Life's too confusing. It also practically never follows any plan I would like for my life. Things I want so badly take too long to come along. People I want to stay forever leave. People I want to believe in let me down. The person I want to be seems to have been lost somewhere along the way. All the things I want to fix are beyond any repair I can offer.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you can physically feel a weight upon your shoulders? The thing is, it's never just on your shoulders. It sits on every part of your body and isolates on your heart, hindering your breathing and making you tired. It holds you down and makes it impossible for you to feel as though you're actually getting somewhere.

Then there are those moments when you feel unstoppable. You're floating on a cloud, and everything just feels right. Nothing bad can touch you at that moment; it reflects off the invisible shield that surrounds you and leaves you feeling breathless with joy.

The highs are nothing without the lows. You have to have something to compare the highs to in order to truly appreciate what it means to be on the peak instead of in the valley. We all break under the low points. We have to. God is trying to mold us into people who live for Him. To do that, He starts with the broken pieces of who we are now. You don't attempt to change something that's already been created. However, if something breaks, you put it back together. The thing is, we are flawed from the beginning. It's like a crappy piece of pottery you find at a yard sale. You decide to buy it, because you see it for what it can become, not for what it is now. You break it in order to mold it to a new purpose, making it a cup or a bowl.

Even when we are broken, we cannot help but try to fix ourselves! I always try to find what I did wrong this time, how did I get here - and what do I do to get out. We can't even see the full picture; we pick up piece by piece and try to remember where it used to go, not admitting that it wasn't right in the first place! As I continue to be broken, I have to remind myself that it is not me who should be picking up the pieces. It's God. He knows what's best. He knows me better than I do, because He made me. He made me the way I am for a reason, but I get so focused on what I think should happen in this world that I often forget who put me here to begin with and who I should be living for. He's brought me through so much, and the minute He puts me back together, I manage to mess it up all over again. But you know...He never stops. He never gets fed up or wonders why He even bothers. Impatience is not in His nature - but grace is. Mercy is. LOVE is.

I am here because God put me here. I was kept here because God kept me here. And I will go wherever He wants me to go, because I know He will never leave my side and never give up on me no matter how much I screw things up, how many times I turn my back on Him, how many times I yell at Him and ask Him why, or how impatient I get with Him. He is my God, and He will never be anything less than loving and always more than I could ever deserve.

Random Ramblings

2008-08-19T14:59:00.003-06:00

I made the junior varsity team! Not unexpected after my knee has kept me from practicing since last Wednesday. Apparently my body just cannot handle pre-season stress. Something ALWAYS goes wrong. I wanted to make varsity, but I knew JV was inevitable with my lack of playing.

As for my knee, I finally went to the doctor yesterday to find out what was going on. I had an appointment at Bone and Joint for Wednesday, but I couldn't handle it anymore. As a result, I went back home to our family doctor, where I was told it was tendonitis and possibly bursitis. Basically overuse. As always. Stupid knees... Anyway, I was beyond relieved to have a diagnosis and, more importantly, a treatment. Cortisone shot and prednisone prescription, and I am good to go! It's gotten better just since yesterday, which rocks!! I could actually jog a little today, which is a major improvement from the day before. This is one of those times impatience paid off. Haha. Not that I am condoning impatience; nevertheless, I would have been a grouch until Wednesday had I had to wait. Furthermore, I gained two days by going two days earlier. I could be practicing by Thursday! :D

I bought my tickets for Ireland today!!! Oh, it's going to be amazing. I am so stoked. Buying the tickets just made it gloriously real. Now I cannot wait for January...

I'm kind of ready for classes to start. I'll have all psych classes - with the exception of one sociology class - which means I'll actually like what I'm taking. Although Applied Research is going to be difficult and possibly mind-twisting, I think it will be somewhat interesting in the least. I gotta get to looking at books online; saving money pretty much rocks.

My room is a wreck because I've been practically going full-tilt for about three weeks now. I need hangers, because I have more clothes than hangers which might become an issue. Is an issue, actually.

Jen and I are continuing our Harry Potter movie spree tonight, which has been on hiatus since, well, about three weeks ago. We are finally both here and not busy at the same time - what are the chances?

I want to buy DVDs. It's a major weakness. But I'm broke. As always since this summer. And boo this past summer, by the way, because I made NO money and basically lost money. I would almost say it wasn't worth it...well, it seems that it really wasn't. But hey, it's over, and there's nothing to be done about it now. I actually have this desire to go back to work, but it's just because I want money and not me being realistic. I would possibly have some time to get hours in, but I don't want to become the stressed out wreck I was at the end of last semester when I worked every day I wasn't playing soccer. Ain't happening.

We have a JV game in a week, and I'm hoping I'll be fit to play. I'm thinking that if I can't play full-out in the field, I may ask if I need to play keeper, since we don't technically have one. :( Another issue we have to work out before next week - who's going to play keeper? Might be a problem...

So I wrote way more than I expected, but that pretty much always happens. Nothing unusual for me!

The Final Preseason

2008-08-10T00:20:00.002-06:00

Oh, it's so weird. The last time I'll have to absolutely run my butt off and think I'm gonna die for it. The last time I'll get so close so fast to a large group of people. The last time I'll hear the "glass house" speech. The last time I'll wait for a list to tell me varsity or JV. It's just a lot of lasts.

I'm not nervous at all. Not that I expected to be, really; it's just like at this point either I'm ready or I'm not - and I'm okay either way. I want to work hard and do my best, no matter what that means compared to everyone else.

I've always looked forward to preseason. Maybe I'm a masochist and just love being half-dead for a whole month. Or maybe I love the getting to know new people, seeing everyone come together as a team, having the campus to ourselves, our whole lives being about the soccer team for those four weeks, the smell of the grass at six a.m., the smell of the turf room in the middle of the day, the smell of the pool in the afternoon.

There's also that pretty sweet bonus of getting to spend a lot of time with some of the girls I love the most. ;)

Just Gotta Say...

2008-08-05T23:23:00.004-06:00

That never in my life have I been more frustrated at a class. I swear, I look at one problem on a Calculus II quiz, and my brain interprets it as a foreign language I could never deign to understand. Check that - there isn't even any interpretation involved, because that would mean I actually comprehended even just one iota of it - which I don't! I regret that I ever changed my major to engineering for that one blasted brain fart of a semester when I thought I might want to be an architect and being an engineering major at Union was the best path for me to attain that goal. I also regret being a complete IDIOT and not learning Calculus in the first place when I took Calc I online last summer, therefore screwing me over when I took Calc II fall semester at Union - where I failed miserably. I prayed to God that He would allow me to just make the minimum grade I need in order to make a C in this class and have that F erased from my transcript, but I won't be mad at anyone but myself if it doesn't happen. Why? Because I have no one else to blame. Because I decided innumerable times that my time would be better spent watching movies, reading novels, hanging out with people, etc. than studying for Calculus.

sigh

So for now I'm ranting at myself on my own blog, hoping it might make me feel minutely better about my final tomorrow and the distinct possibility of failing Calculus II AGAIN and wasting my parents' money on - well, a wasted effort to make my transcript look better. I'm sorry for that, by the way. It will also be a waste of ten weeks of stress, pure frustration, and ridiculous tears on my part.

Nevertheless, there are twenty questions standing between me and making a C. I pray that God does whatever He wants with me, and I live and learn from the whole thing.

Good Times

2008-08-01T16:50:00.003-06:00

I don't believe I've written in a while, and I have to admit it's mostly because everything is flipping amazing. It's funny how misery drives my writing a lot - also kinda sad. It's when I don't have something to complain about that I'm speechless. Great, huh?

That's not fully true, though. When I'm happy, I often want to shout it out, tell everyone about it. However, for some reason, I usually don't. I guess I don't want to rub it in or something. But you know what?

I am freaking happy.

I had almost given up on that when it found me. God likes to work like that. It's worth it to be patient, although I have to admit that I have been everything but patient. Nevertheless, God is merciful and gave me grace. I wholeheartedly thank Him for that. He knows I don't deserve it, and He gives it anyway.

Pre-season starts in a week, and I'm strangely excited about it. Next Thursday I will be DONE with Calculus II, which I pray I get a C in. Also next Thursday I am going to see PARAMORE in Memphis with an AWESOME guy. Then on Friday we're celebrating my cousin's birthday in Nashville; that'll be incredible. So...pretty much life is great. :) Especially in the next week.

Yeah...that's about it. :D

No More Sitting Down

2008-07-13T00:33:00.002-06:00

I just finished watching Meet Joe Black. Good movie. Long movie - just shy of three hours. If you've never seen or even heard of it, it's about a man who is visited by Death. Death makes a deal with him: If the man shows Death around life as a human, he will live a bit longer. So the man finds out that soon he will die. Well, of course, this changes his perspective on things. He decides to not merge his company, he fights to keep it the way he made it, he kind of settles things with one of his daughters.

As a result of watching this movie, I wondered what I would do if I knew I was going to die in a short time. Or at least when I was going to die. And, would it be better to know? The trouble with life is that we must always be prepared to die. It doesn't go on forever, and although we realize that it is difficult to act like it.

What would I do... Well, first of all, I'd find out what was really important to me. It's pretty easy to contemplate this now, but I think that if this were not hypothetical my answers might be different. There are plenty of things I can think of, many of which are typical last wishes. At the very core, how are we that different from one another? We all want the same things: to be loved... Well, that's pretty much it, isn't it? We each have our own desired forms of love, but in the end it all comes down to the same thing. Everyone wants to be happy; to be loved IS to be happy.

I feel like I'm skirting around an issue, but I just let my hands follow my thoughts, which are spastic and random.

I also thought about My Town, the play we did senior year. I got the lead part of Emily Webb. In the last act, I had died. I sat down in my chair/grave and began to talk to other dead. (Btw, sorry if you aren't following me here; you'd have to read the play.) They tell me that I can revisit one instance in my life; I pick one of my birthdays. It's just my mother and I in the kitchen while she's cooking me breakfast. I become frustrated; my mother seems indifferent, and I am ecstatic to see her alive again. Of course, it is just a memory, and she can only hear what has already been said. I yell at her, "Look at me!!" I suddenly realize that we do not appreciate each day we are given. The epiphany leaves me utterly devastated, and I begin to pity the living for their nonchalance and carelessness.

We just don't get it. It's easy to forget that one day it could all be over, and we will sincerely regret letting it slip away without pausing to take advantage of every second, every breath. It's almost exhausting to even think about putting that much of ourselves into every word we say, every look we give, every touch we feel. Nevertheless, it is what we are called to do. We are to do everything wholeheartedly; every minute given to us by God deserves it, I think. We owe that to Him.

I said at the end of last semester that I wanted to make the best of my senior year. I should not offer that as an excuse to wait until then to start making the best of it all. Getting hurt has made me think that throwing my heart into every little thing will only get it broken. The problem is, keeping it myself causes it to waste away. It needs to beat for someone other than myself, because I am not enough to keep it going. Plus, I can't handle all of God's love by myself; I have to delegate. ;)

I want to be risky, I want to be someone you feel like you know, I want you to see my heart on my sleeve because I think - I understand now - that's where it belongs.

I want to be spontaneous, I want to do semi-stupid funny random things with my friends and make memories, I want to stay up all night for no good reason again, I want to kiss the guy I like because it scares me and I have to get past that some day.

I want to be trustworthy, I want to be loyal, I want to be a solid rock that will hold you up but needs help herself sometimes, I want to be someone you look up to, I want to be someone who isn't afraid.

I want to be old and young, I want to be funny and serious, I want you to see that all of this isn't the half of it.

I'm sick of being sad, telling myself that this may be all there is for me. I'm sick of being a pessimist, waiting for everything to fall apart. I'm sick of being afraid, trying to be unoffensive and as a result being unremarkable.

I lose words, I've lost faith, and I'm losing me - but I'm trying to find them all again. Slowly but surely, it will happen. Most likely it will take the rest of my life, but I believe I'm willing to be patient if I just remember that every day is a chance, every breath an opportunity, and every person a reason.

No more sitting down.

All About a Haircut

2008-06-27T08:46:00.002-06:00

I feel this need to blog, but I can't think of anything I really want to write about. I can think of a few spiritual things I could go into, but I don't have the energy - and it does take a lot of energy to do them any justice. Therefore, I believe I will talk about hair. :D

I got my hair cut yesterday into a style that is very different for me. I'm getting used to it, which basically means I wasn't sure I liked it at first. It mainly just threw me off. It still needs color, which it will get. Some time. I wanted to chop it off, but Mom pretty much threw a few hissy fits (exaggerating) and was very opposed. Plus a friend told me not to. Fine, fine... I'll tone it down. Somewhat.

Mom was worried that something big was going on that was upsetting me. That was a legitimate fear, although I promise such is not the case this time. The last time I did something drastic to my hair, it was after a emotionally difficult junior year of high school. My best friend and I had fallen out, and it was hard to deal with. Then like two years ago, I wanted to chop it off again. The year previous to that desire was more devastating than junior year by far.

It was always after I lost a good friend. It had to have been a subconscious desire to change who I was, because apparently who I was was not enough to keep people around and loyal. It's this constant feeling that I am not enough. I know - it's ridiculous. But it's also true. None of us are "enough" - because only God is.

For a while now, Satan has figured out that one of the best ways to break me down is to attack my faith in people. I know there is the verse in Psalms that says, "It is better to trust in God than to trust in men." However, there is a part of my heart that belongs to everyone I know. I want so badly to trust people, to believe in them; having that part of me betrayed burns my very soul. Satan knows that. And it's so easy to attack, because people are human and they screw up. What do I do with that? Should I just harden my heart and not let people in, eliminating the chance of being hurt? I tried that, and it was not for me.

Is it bad to have faith in people? Does it make me choose between God and everyone around me? If it does require a decision, why would I not go for the One who will never let me down, who knows my every weakness, loves every part of me, and is greater than I can ever begin to imagine?

Maybe that's my problem. My soul is eternally split between the God who saved it and the people who accidentally (and maybe sometimes purposefully) break it down. I've always had trouble with balance, and here is the ultimate dilemma: Trying to live for my God while willing to die for both God and people.

But that reminds me of the quote I put in my senior yearbook. I don't remember the exact wording, but the message is basically this: Anyone can die for something they believe in; it is something more to live for it.

I guess I found the energy.

Wedding!

2008-06-14T23:56:00.003-06:00

Kala and Trevor just got married tonight!!! I was privileged enough to be a bridesmaid in their wedding. It was so much fun and so beautiful. Thankfully, I was able to keep my composure pretty well and did not break down at any point. Had a few close calls, but no less was to be expected. Pray for them as they begin their life together. I can't really imagine a more suited couple.

Summer Randomness

2008-06-02T10:18:00.005-06:00

So far summer has been quite uneventful. Well, with the exception of my brother's graduation. And working at Dick's in a new section that I know next to nothing about. Say hello to your Outdoor Specialist! Haha. I feel pretty clueless in there; it can be a little frustrating, but I like doing something besides working a register. Hopefully I will begin working in apparel fairly soon. I so need the money.

Btw...BOO my roommate being gone! :(

Working in retail made me decide the other day that my kids will be whooped if they don't put stuff back where they got it from in stores. People kill me at work. They pick up something and drop it like twenty feet away. They let their kids run around like hooligans (yes, I said it) and do whatever they feel like until they hear something crash - THEN they try to corral them. Being away from the register, customers are still infuriating. Haha. Whatever. Besides getting angry with people, I think this may be my favorite job so far. Although, being a lifeguard wasn't too bad. It could be boring; it was so easy. Where I worked it was easy, anyway. The kids could be real punks, though. To me, none of these jobs seem like "real" jobs. I know they are, but they're not something I would do for the rest of my life. I know people do; well, in retail and in factories they do. Not so much the lifeguarding. But it's weird to think that in a relatively short period of time, I will be thrown into the "real world" and have to actually make money to live off of. Ugh - scary. I will have grad school for at least two more years, so I guess I'm putting it off for a little bit longer.

Right now one of the unimaginable happenings that is closest is the end of my college soccer career. I think next spring semester is going to be SO weird, because I won't have soccer. I just can't imagine it. I want to go on a tangent about being on the team... But I won't. For now. Maybe later, if I feel like blogging again some time soon. Anyway...

This summer is my last chance to become the best athlete I can be. However, when it comes to the season, I just want to play. I don't care if it's varsity or JV. I just want to play.

Another School Year Ended

2008-05-16T17:55:00.002-06:00

Although it doesn't truly feel as though it's over. Maybe it's the fact that I didn't have to move out, which is pretty awesome. I may feel the finality of it when I get home and stay a few days for my brother's graduation. Ugh... Emotional event getting ready to happen right there.

I almost have this feeling now that I'm going to be bored this summer. I know I'll be working, taking the online class, and working out for soccer. Thankfully, there will be some friends here in town I can hang out with, as well as some fellow soccer players to work out with. It's just that after the utter chaos that this past semester was, this summer seems tame. Haha. I know - I should not complain. And I'm not. It's a result of the relief that the hectic semester is over and... now what? I was working at high speed for so long, anything less seems catatonic. Ha. I won't be wanting for stuff to do, I believe.

In August, I come into preseason as a senior. That is crazy. A year from now, I will be graduating - God willing, of course. I believe that between now and then, I will change. It does happen every year, I know, but I just have a feeling that I'm going to be different. Or maybe it's a hope that I will. And I do hope that.

Time is such a funny thing. It sneaks up on you and takes you by surprise, even though you know it is coming. It is possible that we shut our eyes to its advance, in hopes of putting it off for a little while longer. I look forward to moving on after Union. Sometimes I feel it holding me back, a piece of my history that needs to be put on a shelf. The past three years have been the hardest years of my life; I have learned much more than I, even now, can imagine.

Next year, I would love to really spend time with the ones I want to keep, the ones who truly matter, the ones who have (possibly) always been there but maybe have fallen to the wayside for various reasons. I want to close doors that need closing, and open new ones that will show me something different about life as well as myself. I want to be a role model for the freshman soccer girls, as well as the older ones. I want to fully commit myself to living for God through everything I do - especially in how I deal with others and my relationships with each of the people in my life. I want to make my senior year my best one in every sense of the word. I want to live my life the way I should have been living it up till now but haven't always succeeded in doing. We'll see what happens. :)

Tornados and Scars

2008-05-04T09:38:00.004-06:00

One of the hardest things I had to do after the tornado was list all of my possessions that I had lost. When I began, I was eating with Mom and Dad at Ruby Tuesday's. I started crying, of course; a headache began, and I completely lost my appetite. It literally made me sick to my stomach.

This morning I thought about the relationships, the people I've lost. Really, though, I thought about all the messes I've made of them - or at least the messes they've become.

The night of the tornado, some of us joked around about losing things that were old or broken, saying things like, "Score - new car!" or "I was SO wanting to get a new computer; mine was old!" I have to admit, I have liked getting so many new things; you'd think I was lying if I said I didn't. We all had things that were a little worn out, things that needed replacing, a lot of junk we never used.

What if there was a tornado that could take away all my broken relationships, the friendships that have fallen apart, the ones that break my heart to see so far away from all I could want for them? I guess pondering upon this is equivalent to wishing for all my troubles to be taken away, but I am thinking in more metaphorical terms. What I would like to be taken away is the scars from them. The apprehension that an "over-involved" friendship will happen again; the fear of not being able to handle a friend's choices; the worry that I will not fight enough for someone I love; the thought that I am too much for anyone to deal with; the knowledge that I would give my life for you but can seldom pick up the phone just to talk. Because those are what holds me back. They are things I will have to be careful of, get over, and do something about.

Over and over again to myself I have listed the people I have lost. So when am I done listing? How many times do I have to remind myself that so much innocence is gone? I should have never started. We should always move on, move forward - all the while remembering that these things have made us who we are, but we had a choice as to which direction the effect took. We are not simply spectators in this life; we are the heart and soul of it, living for something more than ourselves, and wanting... wanting to feel that we ARE alive. We are breathing, touching, feeling, seeing, hearing, being. So many times we wait for something to make us feel that way, to live, but we need to realize that a lot of that desire is up to us to fulfill. We choose to live for something that is worth living for, or we choose to just live because what else is there to do? We choose to take tragedy and find reason for rejoicing, or we choose to take it and ruminate on everything that is lost. Life is a choice - and so is love. Love is manifested in so many ways, and it is incredible to see how differently people love one another. We all live different, so why should we not love different? And as all good things, love is not easy and most of the time must be worked for. Such trials make love and life so much more valuable.

I Would Just Like to Say...

2008-04-26T00:21:00.003-06:00

It's so funny when I dress up, put on make-up, the whole shebang. People are so floored. I find it hilarious. No one expects it of me to look "glamorous."

Mom always puts my make-up on, mainly because she's awesome at it but also because I don't have a clue how to put it on. And she always starts in with, "Oh, Daron! Just look at your eyes!! See, if you would just put a little make-up on..." Boo! I don't want to mess with it. Another thing to take up time in the morning while getting ready. Not worth it. I hate wearing it. Too much to worry about.

As I've gotten older, I don't mind as much getting a little dressed up. Doing Variety Show is almost like Halloween for me. I get to be someone completely different than normal, just by fixing my hair, painting my face, and putting on a dress. And I love singing on stage. It's just fun.

Today I was thinking about when (if ever) I would begin wearing make-up on a regular basis. I don't know if it will happen. I, of course, don't ever see it happening. I do know that things change, and there's that possibility that someday I will wake up with the desire to wear make-up. There is also a possibility that it will never happen. I don't really care. If it happens, it happens. Right now, I am washing this junk off my face. And gladly.

And that's the conclusion to my blog about make-up. Cue Mom telling me I should wear it...

Lessons from a Movie

2008-04-18T23:08:00.002-06:00

I just finished watching Saved!, which is one of my favorite movies ever. For those of you who don't know, it's a satire on Christianity. You should see it, if you haven't. A lot of people here at Union probably wouldn't really enjoy it; pretty much everyone who I've shared it with here haven't liked it. I love it, anyway, and that's what matters. ;)

One of the main things the movie always makes me think of is judging people. Thinking you are better than someone because you are a Christian, or haven't made the same mistakes, or have different views about what it means to be a Christian. Tonight while I was watching it, I picked up on something else.

There are several events in which a character claims, "Jesus told me to!" Of course, Jesus "told" them to do things that are sins and do not end well. It hit me that people may use that excuse to do something drastic, something that toes or even crosses the line between moral and immoral. Just look at the Crusades, the Inquisition. In the movie, Mary (main character) has sex with her boyfriend, believing that Jesus told her to do it in order to "cure" her boyfriend's homosexuality. I'm not saying that any of you would do such a thing; I'm giving an example here.

The whole movie is basically Mary's journey to discovering what it really means to be a Christian, how knowing right and wrong does not guarantee perfection. This comes from having made a big mistake.

We all make mistakes (duh). We've all made big mistakes, had times at which we thought the world had ended as we knew it. Nothing could be done to rectify the mess we made. How untrue!

God uses every one of our mistakes for His purposes. He doesn't clean it up for us; He teaches us lessons, gives others examples, reaches out to pick us up from them. He wants us to turn to Him when everything goes south - and even when it hasn't.

I don't think I've been very eloquent in expressing my desired message (disregarding this sentence), but I only had a small point to make. Maybe it's one you've never thought about, or just one you've forgotten (as it was with me). Mistakes suck: They can hurt you and everyone around you, they can cause major complications, they can make you feel like you are the biggest idiot on the planet. However...

If God didn't use our screw-ups, what else would He have to work with?

BYOJ - Bring Your Own Joy

2008-04-03T23:04:00.002-06:00

As Christians, we are called to joyful. To be thankful for each day we've been given and treat it as though it is our last, because it very well could be.

I never really got that. I think I believed that happiness was something that happened as a result of your situation, what's going on around you and to you. I thought I was supposed to wait around until happiness found me; it wasn't something I had to look for. Now I see it differently.

God calls us to be joyful. Okay, that shouldn't be that hard. But then God tells us we will suffer. We will not have it easy. With every step, Satan is pulling us back, tripping us up - doing his best to bring us down. So... how on earth are we supposed to be joyful about that? Isn't that the exact opposite of happiness: being constantly attacked and torn apart?

It is. The thing is, we still have every reason to be happy. You know why? I truly hope you do. It is because we have salvation. We have been redeemed by an incredible love that we cannot hope to comprehend. We are not bound to this world! We don't belong here! What a relief that is, knowing that we are destined for so much more, that we will soon escape a world we are not meant to be in. We are God's children, and we are only here for a short while before we are called home.

So I have no excuses for feeling down or wallowing in self-pity. My life as of now is not glamorous or perfect, but my future looks a lot like Heaven.

But I have to fight for this joy. It is vital that I remember who I am living for and what He has done for me; I have to remind myself that my joy comes from Him alone. It doesn't come from winning a game in soccer, doing well in school, my friends, or my family. All those things are just really amazing perks. I have a Savior that was willing to die for me, a God who knows every niche of my soul, a Creator who made me the way I am for a purpose that only He fully understands. Those facts should override everything else, for they are what truly matters. They are what should drive my sense of joy every single day, every single moment.

This journey of becoming honestly joyful is going to be unimaginably difficult, I know. It is so easy for me to get caught up in the world around me and forget Who is most important. I tend to get brought down in a spiral of negative emotions; I effortlessly point out the aspects of my life that are imperfect. Nevertheless, I am called to this: To remember Christ who died for me and be joyful in that fact alone. I need nothing else to make me happy. He sustains me always.

Boo

2008-03-30T12:05:00.001-06:00

Spring break is over. Classes start tomorrow.

Boo that.

Crazy Classes

2008-03-11T09:32:00.002-06:00

Professors are being test happy. Which is just making all of us students sad. I understand that they're trying to get us caught up with the original schedule, but it's still stressful. I'm afraid I'll forget another test like I did week before last. Every Union student you talk to has at least two tests each week; previously, it was like all the professors decided to have tests the same week. It was not this constant - it would just all hit at once. Now it's hitting all at once all the time. Haha. Boo tests.

At least today my stats professor didn't have class after our test. I hate when they do that. I want to take my test and get out! However, she is hardcore and believes that even with all this academic craziness we should still get five tests in. :( Oh, and getting four hours of library time in along with all this is just...blah. I don't study well period, and me being in a room with a ton of other people is just going to make that worse. However, I will do my best to put in some time. Thank goodness I'm not working during the week...

I cannot wait for spring break. It will be such an amazing timeout from all this! I can't wait to see Lauren in Tacoma!!! :D And Jen and I are discussing possibly going to Chicago the last few days of break to see Wicked on Broadway. How sweet would that be?? Hopefully we can decide and finalize today so that we can buy tickets. :)))

I'm ready to get out of here for a little bit... Can you tell? ;)

Can I Just Say...

2008-03-03T22:48:00.001-06:00

There is a reason I play soccer. And not basketball.

Starting Again

2008-02-20T11:26:00.003-06:00

Class started again today. And it's okay. I don't feel like there is a cloud over the campus or some huge weight on all of our shoulders. Maybe it's just me, but I am glad to be back. It is going to take a little getting used to. Looking from the Walker Rd. entrance, you can see straight through to the SUB building. That is weird. The campus looks tiny now.

I wish Jen and I could move into our apartment, but unfortunately we have to wait until next Wednesday. I'm staying with two of my old roommates and another friend in their new apartment until then. I was going to stay at my aunt's, but I kind of prefer walking ten minutes or driving three minutes to driving 15 to 20 minutes from Medina. And it's fun to stay with them.

It's interesting how each person has handled the whole situation. Some who didn't lose a whole lot are traumatized just by the experience. Some of us who lost a lot of our possessions are taking it pretty well, as far as I can tell. Every person is different. I do think that we all feel as though we have more of a camaraderie with the entire student body. Disasters like this really do bring people together. My main prayer will be that we will be on the lookout for those students that aren't taking it well, who might try to isolate themselves and fall into depression because they feel separated. We are in no way alone in all of this, primarily because God has been with each of us the whole time. Nor are we lacking for people who truly care about us, whether it be at school, at work, or at home.

I saw Suzanne, the RA who basically saved my life, last night at the worship service. We just hugged each other for a good while (I cried, obviously), then I thanked her for saving my life. I know it sounds melodramatic, but it was the truth. She said, "Oh, God saved us all." To me she was just an instrument of God that night; I'm sure I'm not the only one she told to get to safety.

I've decided this starting over again thing isn't half bad. I get a ton of new stuff! Haha. Really, though, I think about the keepsakes that I had in my room, the things that meant something to me, and wonder what I really would have done with them. I know I would have kept them, for sure, but how long would it be before they were up in an attic in my (future) house to be forgotten for years and years? I am aware that those things are often found during cleaning excursions and brought out for reminiscent purposes; it's just that... now I have a bigger story to tell.

Stuff

2008-02-07T20:00:00.000-06:00

That's all it is. And I know that. But when you see what ten seconds before was your room - what ten minutes before you were watching a movie in - you don't view it that way. I keep seeing images of what I saw Tuesday night and think about what I could have saved. I do, however, know that after it was over, we needed to get out.

For insurance purposes, I have begun writing a list of my possessions that were in my room. I started out with the obvious: laptop, video camera, digital camera, iPod, iPod speakers, and so on. After about thirty minutes I had at least five pages of things, and I hadn't even gotten to my clothes. The hardest question I kept asking myself while writing these things down was this: How do you put a price to everything you own? There were innumerable things that could be bought straight from the Columns in Jackson; then there are the things that people made with their own hands, things that had very sentimental value. What are they worth to someone who is writing you a check to try and make up for it all being gone?

I know that I am being quite materialistic. Tuesday night I continuously went between two extremes: "My stuff is gone, but thank God I'm still alive," and "My life is GONE." I felt as though I'd lost part of myself. I know that I will get past this just fine, but it's hard to deal with. It keeps hitting me, like I still don't entirely get it. I do believe, though, that seeing my room blown to pieces of concrete and plaster is what keeps coming back. I wonder how I would feel about it if I hadn't been there. If I'd been working at Dick's, like I would have been had I not left early because I felt sick. I think I would feel much differently had I not seen what was left, had not walked over my old roof, seen what might have been my dresser on another part of the roof, and looked at my floor in the bedroom below.

My roommate did find my Lady Bulldogs soccer sweatshirt, though. Haha. In the parking lot. And I did want a new laptop. Those new iPods look awesome, and I got rid of those ridiculously huge inserts that didn't fit into any shoes I owned. All of my soccer balls were half-deflated and beat up. My bike was at least six years old, and the TV was an old one I got for free from my aunt.

I needed new underwear, too. ;)

Praise God for His Mercy

2008-02-06T20:31:00.000-06:00

Yes, I am fine. I am physically unhurt; however, my room is completely gone. We weren't able to get in and see what could be salvaged, and as far as we could tell, there may not be much. My car is in great condition, considering. The sideview mirrors are both broken and there's a dent in the hood plus a few scratches. Practically nothing. Some time I can post the experience on here, but I'm just posting to let you know I'm okay. Thank you for all the text messages and calls, and even thank you for those who didn't call but were worried about me. The only thing I ask of you is to pray. Pray for the students that had more serious injuries, pray for those who are very far away from home, and pray for those who went through it.

Put Away the Gavel

2008-01-30T11:22:00.001-06:00

I was thinking the other day (while in church) that I hadn't heard a sermon on judging people for a while. It was one of those random thoughts I get quite frequently which cause me to pause for a moment and consider the subject.

A few weeks ago I had a friend tell me that they were turned off by Christianity, because the last time they went to a church service the preacher declared that gays and drunks would be the first ones to go to hell. My friend had several friends that are homosexual and took it personally that the preacher was condemning her friends to hell.

Just to clarify: I am not saying the preacher was wrong. I am saying that he went about it the wrong way. What I mean is, the Bible preaches against homosexuality and drunkenness. Nowhere, however, does it say that such offenders will be automatically sent to hell. We are all sinners, and ALL sin is EQUAL in God's eyes. I am just as guilty as any alcoholic, druggie, prostitute, or gay. And I try not to forget that, because I could just as easily be in any one of those positions. However, because of my parents, my family, my friends, my choices, and most of all my God, I am not. I know why. I'm not strong enough. I couldn't handle being any one of those people, and God knows it. There are people who can go through such things, and come out stronger in their faith - should they become Christians. I cannot claim to have the capacity to be one of those people. I have gone through much less and wanted to give up living just to escape the pain.

It infuriates me when people judge someone by the way they look or speak. I am not presumptuous enough to say that I don't do the same thing; it makes me angry with myself when I do. You cannot assume you know a person by just looking at them and making your own assessment. That is what we do when we make an assumption of someone without bothering to talk to them or give them the benefit of the doubt. No one can immediately tell if someone is gay just by looking at them. I do understand that some people are flamboyant and have every intention of you knowing what they're about with one glance. But most are not, and we should respect them enough to stay out of their business until invited.

Nevertheless, this judging thing does not stop with first impressions. We have no right to condemn anyone for what they may or may not have done. We are not judges of God; God is the one and only judge. Do you not think you will be judged yourself for handing down convictions that were never yours to give? No one but God is worthy of condemning sinners, for He alone is sinless.

"How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." - Luke 6:42

1 Corinthians 6:1-6

1If any of you has a dispute with another, dare he take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the saints? 2Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? 3Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! 4Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church! 5I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? 6But instead, one brother goes to law against another—and this in front of unbelievers!

I know I probably sound quite self-righteous with this tirade, but I felt it needed to be addressed. I admit that I can be self-righteous at times. It is a minor fault out of my many.

We hear it in movies all the time, and it sounds corny but is quite true: "We're not that different, you and me." It goes back to the Golden Rule, "Treat others as you would like to be treated." Don't judge others when you would hate to be judged yourself.

We ALL fall short.

Serious Randomness

2008-01-15T00:38:00.000-06:00

My winning percentage in Solitaire sucks. Seriously. I win maybe once every seven games or so. I wish I could blame the computer; maybe I can. I don't know how much of winning in Solitaire is dependent upon my skill. Probably most of it, and I'm just trying to delude myself into feeling better about my constant losing streak.

I loathe dial-up internet. And this computer is pathetically old and therefore slow.

I'm real excited about leaving for Oregon. I'm ready for a break, ready to have an awesome time snowboarding and just hanging out with nothing else to do. That's a great feeling, you know? Spending time with friends with unlimited availability - for a short time, at least. The more I think about it, the more six days sounds like not enough time. However, I know it's a good while, and it will be amazing.

I hate feeling corny. But I think corny stuff ALL THE TIME. And say it almost as frequently as I think it. Well, maybe not. I blame my extensive reading and movie watching. And major romantic tendencies. I laugh at myself all the time for being melodramatic and cheesy. I let it go more in my poetry. That's a place where at some point it's almost necessary to cross the line of normal conversation and convention. There's a freedom in that. I also let myself get a little cheesy in my blogs, but there is a boundary I kind of set up.

I'm still working on boundaries. Like my own. The other night I was writing in a journal, and I had a kind of picture in my head of these walls I had put up around my heart. And I thought that maybe I somehow locked myself out. I got so busy trying to protect myself, be who I thought I needed to be, that I totally got turned around and walked out on myself. But...maybe God is still there. Maybe He has to let me back in. That's sort of strange to think: The roles are reversed. Instead of God knocking on my heart to let Him in, I'm knocking on my OWN heart - waiting to understand who I am. At one point I thought I had a handle on it. I did. But it got lost in being thrown away, being tossed aside. I questioned so much of myself that I seemed to have wound up with seeing nothing at all, nothing worth saving.

I feel like I need to go away, go somewhere new. I like the idea of starting fresh. I always have. Because I know how hard it is to see people with all these ideas of you, and to think that you have to live up to whatever picture they have in their heads - good or bad, true or not. You can't be all those people. There is "I have become all things to all men, that I might win the more." Although that comes with an amount of sacrifice, it does not mean completely changing who you are according to the people you're around. To me it means exposing certain parts of yourself that will draw those certain people to you. It means possibly exaggerating portions of your personality to show how alike you are to someone you are trying to reach.

I yearn to meet someone I don't worry about this with. I'm not saying that everyone I know turns me into someone different; believe me, I only blame my own weakness of spirit and confidence. If you really know me, you know how hard it is for me to NOT think about this stuff. I wish you all knew me, honestly. Maybe you do. I don't know. I wish I knew everyone. I wish I had a memory fine tuned enough to remember every little thing I ever heard about anyone I know. Because then you would know that I do care about you and want to know you more. I wish I was a good enough person to be like that, to really show what I feel.

But what I feel isn't always what I show. And what I show isn't what I want you to see, usually. I can't control what I show, and I don't control what I don't show. I don't discipline my heart like I should. I don't show the loyalty to people that I feel. You call me in trouble, and I will do whatever I can to help you...but how many times do I pick up my phone to see how you're doing? I just want to let you know that, for the most part, it's fear. I love you, but I'm afraid you don't love me the same way. Please don't feel sorry for me or anything or feel obligated to do something about it. Just read this and try to understand that while my greatest desire is save your life, I am the one who needs saving.

Changing for the New Year

2008-01-06T23:57:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow work begins on my room. Although, really, it started today when Mom and I moved everything out. It's ridiculous how much crap I have. Seriously. Here's how most of the conversations went during this process:

Me: "I think I'm throwing this away."
Mom: "Why?
Me: "I don't use it."
Mom: "Don't throw it away."
Me: "Why not?"
Mom: "Somebody might want it."
Me: "Fine, put it with the rest of the junk I'm getting rid of."

It kills her, because she's way more of a pack rat than I am. She wants to keep everything, and I just want to shed everything I don't want. I do have some pack rat tendencies, however. I still keep a lot of junk I never use. When I see something I've passed over the last three or four "cleansings" and haven't used since, I chunk it. It's just taking up room.

Now my room is practically empty, minus the furniture. My desk is still full of stuff; Mom didn't want to go through it. Check that: She didn't want ME to go through it. I am getting hold of it tomorrow, though. No doubt. I'll resist the urge to go right now. Tomorrow we will also experiment with different room layouts. I want to move everything, basically. I like this, even though it ain't much fun to move all my crap to various areas of the house. The majority of it is piled in Lauren's room, where I will be stationed for hopefully only a week. I'm excited about doing something new with my room. I like changes, usually. I think. These kinds of changes, I do.

Endings

2007-12-20T21:58:00.000-06:00

So, school has been out for a few days now. Thank the Lord God Almighty. It was beyond time, I believe. It was without a doubt the hardest semester I've ever had. All I can say is, I'm glad I survived.

Now I feel like I can get into classes about stuff I really want to know. Stuff I will actually use. I'm looking forward to be able to possibly help people with what I'm learning. It's invigorating. I know I said before that I was sure about what I wanted to do, and was wrong. Twice. I do believe this is what I'm supposed to do. However, if it is not... I'm going to deal with it. Haha. Seriously, I can't change again. No more, promise.

Dick's Sporting Goods has taken over my life next week. I'm working Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Gah. I have to miss Nanny's Christmas lunch on Monday because of work! Boo that. And I won't get to see Lauren much while she's home. Boo that even more. At least I can remind myself that in January I'll be traveling to Oregon to snowboard!! :D I can't tell you how tempting it is to buy all the snowboarding equipment I can at work, especially since I get a discount.

Changing the tone entirely... We put Sandy down yesterday. We decided it was time. She had practically no feeling in one of her legs, and the other was barely responsive. She couldn't keep down anything she ate. She also seemed to be trying to get away by herself; she got stuck in the ditch several times a day week before last. The old saying that an old dog will go off by itself to die seems to hold true. We tried changing her medicine, but it didn't do much good. She was fifteen years old. That's crazy. She'd been with us for three fourths of my life. Poor girl. I hated to see her like that, because I remember how she used to be. I also remember Cajun and Magnum - Magnum, who we lost last year, and Cajun, who we lost the year before.

When we were having our house remodeled, Sandy would be right in the middle of the workers, begging for food. Magnum would walk all the way around the house when you called his name just to avoid running into any of the workers. Cajun was almost always penned up so that she wouldn't get too worn out for hunting, but if she heard the four-wheeler start up, she'd start having a fit. Sandy would greet everyone that came to the house by nosing them in the butt. Haha. One time I carried Magnum from the driveway to the pen because some dog across the street was in heat and he wouldn't come for me to put him up. Another time a dog was in heat, he kept getting out of the pen and we couldn't figure out how. So after I put him up again, I watched him. The fart ran in a circle then dove between the fencing and the bottom fence post! How he figured that out... And Cajun was smart enough to stick pills in the side of her mouth so that even if you closed her mouth and blew on her nose, the pill wouldn't go down. She'd spit it out after Mom walked away.

And now we're left with Honker, who is one of the sweetest dogs ever. Well, he can be - when he's not too excited. Last night we let him in the house, which is definitely not unusual. Looking at him, I thought about all the dogs we've had. My dogs, anyway. Ha. The ones I can remember, the ones that really mattered. And I wondered if it was worth seeing them gone to have them for just a little while. I decided it was. Watching Sandy slowly pass away was so painful, but what a life she had. And how did she improve mine. It was watching a family member go, knowing they had to, knowing it was time and they would be happier. Knowing that you couldn't handle watching them struggle anymore.

Even being the "adult" that I am, I wondered if dogs went to Heaven. Ha. I don't think I believe that they do, but when I have kids, and we have dogs that have to die, I think I want to tell them they do.

How Common of Me

2007-12-12T23:13:00.001-06:00

I totally read the wrong thing for the extra credit thing in Calculus II. Therefore, I wrote an essay on the wrong thing. Furthermore, that means I did not get the extra credit.

Oh, well.

Glory

2007-12-07T00:27:00.000-06:00

For Calculus II, Lunsford offered us an opportunity for extra credit by reading and writing a short essay on "The Weight of Glory" by C. S. Lewis. I'm not sure why I even did it, because I believe at this point it may be irrelevant. However, I did it anyway, because it wasn't like I had too much to do.

"The Weight of Glory" is a sermon done by Lewis in Oxford about the true meaning of glory. I won't go through all of it (I'm strongly suggesting you read it for yourself), but the gist of it is human life is infinitely valuable. He says that we are sitting on the fence between unimaginable glory through being recognized by God and eternal damnation in which God forgets us.

God forgetting? Is that even possible?

Think about the weight of that. God recognizing us, alone, is incredible. You've heard from the Bible that when we come to the gates of Heaven we will either hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant," or "I never knew you. Depart from Me." How...scary is that? We are standing on the brink of both possibilities. How important is it, then, that we help each other along? Lewis suggests that we should worry more about helping others achieve their glory than struggling to find our own. We should take each other seriously in all that we do, recognizing the worth of each person, that each and every one of us is on the same fence - without exception. We must respect that in one another.

The people that are important to you, the people you can't live without: Do you not want to remember them? More than that, do you not want God to remember them? I don't believe we understand the overwhelming weight of what this means! Imagine yourself forever erased from everyone's memory, like you were never there. Ignored and left to pity your own fate. You would have memories of a life, but what does that mean? What are memories, ultimately, when you've no one to share them with? And to be rejected by the very God who created you, who had a plan for your life that you neglected, who unconditionally loved you when you did nothing but rebel against Him because of your own pride; what are you then? You're not even a faint glimmer of a memory. You are nothing.

But being acknowledged by God! How we long each day for someone to look at us and say, "You know what, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're alive." How incredibly uplifting that is! And how many times do we say it? We long to be recognized. We desire to be thought of as worth someone's time. It is so despairing to wonder if you are truly wanted, if anybody even sees you - really, truly sees you. If we so deeply care about what people think about us, how much more should we care about how God sees us. The epitome of rectification through acknowledgment lies in God. We do things for God's glory, but it is also adding to our own. That is not to say that some will have more glory than others; such is not the case. We are only truly glorified through God.

I feel as though I go from day to day seeking validation. I wait for someone to notice me, to want me around, to know who I am and to love me all the same. And I'm sure you do the same. Everyone waits for the words, "I'm glad you're here." It is then that we find life worth living. It is then that we long to turn our attention to others, because it is then that we feel we have something to offer.

Almost Done

2007-11-26T13:06:00.000-06:00

I am beyond ready to be done with my classes this semester. Engineering is just not for me. I realized today that I do not care enough about school to spend all my time doing homework and studying. Well, that's not really a huge revelation; you could have known that from watching me NOT doing those very things. The relationships I build here are more important, honestly. Call me lazy - I know I am. If I need to work hard for something I care about, I'll do it. But that's it: I need motivation. I am horrible at self-discipline. But anyway, I am looking forward to doing psychology, because it's something I can use in the area I care most about (people) and it won't take over my life completely.

Two and a half more weeks doesn't seem short enough.

Excerpt from "Searching For God Knows What" by Donald Miller

2007-11-13T19:11:00.000-06:00

"I know there are people who have actually gone from misery to happiness, but they didn't do it by walking through three steps; they did it because they have a certain set of parents and heard a certain song and knew somebody who had a certain experience and saw some movie, read some book, had something happen to them like a car wreck or a trip to Seattle. Then they called on God, and a week later read something in a magazine or met a girl in Wichita, and when all this had happened they had an epiphany, and somebody may have helped them fulfill what this epiphany made them feel, and several years later they rationalized this mystic experience with three steps, then they told the three steps to us in a book. I'm not saying they weren't trying to be helpful; I bring this us only because life is complex, and the idea that you can break it down or fix it in a few steps is rather silly.

The truth is there are a million steps, and we don't even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us not to rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather in His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love."

Forever Friends

2007-11-04T09:14:00.000-06:00

This weekend I went to a lodge in Natchez Trace State Park for one of my great uncle's birthday get-together. A lot of my dad's side of the family was there, including, as is required of such events, a lot of people I do not know. It was fun, though, because there were also people there I knew but hadn't seen in a quite a long time.

It was for Uncle Kelly's 80th birthday, which is just crazy. You know? That seems like such a long time; it's FOUR times as long as I've lived, but I already feel old. Haha. At some point Friday night, some of his friends showed up. I think they were actually more of Aunt Olivia's friends, who is Kelly's wife. They met Aunt Olivia in college, and they had been friends since.

It was surreal. We've always heard that the friends you make in college could be friends for life. Sure, we've always believed it, but it's so weird to actually see it. These women have been friends for almost sixty years! Isn't that insane? I still can't fully wrap my head around it. I think it's absolutely amazing. There's no telling what they've been through together. And...it gives me hope.

It can be done. People can be friends forever. We always say that when we're in primary, and middle school, and high school - but by the time we get to college, we find it a little harder to believe. Because it's then that we realize things change, people change. I actually have friends from high school that I believe will be a part of my life for a long time to come. I pray that they are. But it's still hard. At college I've had two really close friends, and I thought each time that we would be "best friends" all through college. And each time it turned out badly. It's okay now, but it's nothing like I thought it would be.

It's also sad, though. Because I want to keep everyone. I would love to stay in touch with all of the soccer girls after I leave Union, but I can't imagine that happening. Not staying in constant touch, anyway. I believe there will be several that I will, but trying to keep up with all of them...phew! Ha. That would be a job in and of itself. I love all of them, but I'm being realistic. As much as I can be. But you know, maybe I will somehow by the grace of God keep close to the bulk of them.

My freshman year I wrote a paper on friendships in college. I interviewed Lauren (my sister) in order to get her perspective, since she was already out of college and a couple of years into pharmacy school. She talked about how in college you meet people who have the same heart as you, who have that same desire to follow God. That connection will bring you closer than any other. That is a connection that does not easily break. I have found those people, and I have been truly blessed by each of them. I cannot imagine my life without them and believe myself to be stronger having known them.

Those are the ones I want to keep. Those are the ones that have a place in my heart, no matter how far apart we get or how many years go by. They are the ones I would not have survived without, the ones who held me up when I couldn't hold up myself. The ones who were sent by God. I can't thank Him enough for them, but I try. And I can't tell them how much they mean to me, but I try. Because I know how much it means to be told you matter, to be told that you are someone special, that you made a difference in someone's life. To know that you are noticed, and someone is glad you are here.

Diving Back In

2007-10-21T20:03:00.000-06:00

Back to school... Oh, boy. I am definitely thankful for the break we had, but it doesn't seem like enough. Not when I feel like I'm struggling to breathe with everything that's going on. I'm drowning in two of my classes, and I know I'll have to work my butt off the rest of the semester just to pull a decent grade. The worst thing is, I have no desire to do so. The only thing that drives me to keep working is the threat it poses towards my GPA if I slack off completely. I should have more time to dedicate to school now that soccer is over. I'm sad about that. Now I'm just waiting for the spring.

I wish I could change my classes for the semester, since I want to change my major - again. I wish I could drop Calculus II, Statistics; that would be absolutely amazing. However, things are never that easy. I'm ready to take classes that truly interest me. Classes about something I can really care about. I plan to get into that next semester; right now I have to get through this one.

Along with school comes all the effects of the people around me. The good, the bad, and the ugly. If I said it didn't affect me, I would be lying. And I hate lying. Like John Donne once wrote, "No man is an island unto himself." Evidently there are people who do not understand that. The thing is, it is something you have to learn for yourself. I had to learn the hard way that I cannot make it on my own. I depend on people in my life - to listen, to guide me, to tell me the truth, to tell me when I'm wrong, to tell me when I'm right, to support me, to love me. I need that; I need them. As much as I may want to do it alone to prevent pain, I need them all: The good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to help them as well, but I can only do that as I am permitted. And sometimes that is severely limited. Which leaves me to stand by and watch as they destroy things I hold dear, including themselves. But they will learn; I pray that they learn before it is too late.

My Stint As a Forward

2007-10-13T21:31:00.000-06:00

We traveled to Madisonville, Tennessee, to play Hiwassee College. We left at seven this morning and had a five hour bus ride. Well, it was supposed to be five hours, but we got turned around (as usual) and added another thirty minutes to the trip. I'm pretty sure we've gotten a little lost every trip we've made for the JV team. Anyway, we got onto the field at 1:25; the game was supposed to start at 2. I actually liked the shorter warm-up. We used less energy.

Julie scored in the first half, and we ended the first half up 1-0. We were dominating, but, as usual, we were having a little trouble finishing. Just a little, this time. The field was a little jacked up; you were never quite sure what the ball would do because of the major unevenness and even tire tracks found on the field.

At half time, Isaac set our amount of goals goal for the second half: Three. So we went out and scored within the first two minutes or so. I don't know exactly what time, but I know it was not long after the whistle blew to start us off. We scored another one some time after that, making the score 3-0.

I was given a substitute at some time (as in the first half), but I was feeling great. On defense we weren't running a whole lot, because they honestly weren't getting the ball over the half-line - minus a few runs. They got three shots the whole game, and only one on goal. I was on the sideline, and I said, "Isaac, I want to play striker." After a pause, he asked, "Did you play forward in high school?" I replied, "I played it up until high school, actually." He was like, "Okay. Just give me about five minutes and I'll put you in for Rachel." I got so excited. I've been thinking about playing it, mainly because I would love a chance to score. However, I decided long ago that I have a much more defensive mindset when it comes to sports. Mom is like that, too. I was also a little nervous, because I wasn't sure how well I could do. But I decided I couldn't do too much damage at this point. ;)

When I went in, I told Jamie, "Talk to me, tell me what to do." She said, "You're playing forward?" I answered, "Yep," with a big grin on my face. "Alright!" I had fun, even though I was quite unsure where I was supposed to be the whole time. At one point, I had an opportunity to take a shot, but I think I got knocked off by a defense player. I'm not sure what happened; I do know that I fell and banged my head pretty good on the ground. I stayed down and felt the ball hit my butt. I had no clue who hit it (I found out it was Jamie), but I thought, "Why didn't I get up?!" Man, I almost had one. Haha. It wasn't really that close, I know. I didn't feel dizzy or anything, so I just told the ref I was okay and went on playing. Another time the ball was put through in the air, and I turned to run onto it...right into a girl on the other team that had jumped to cut off the pass. She had her leg even with my head. It scared the crap out of me, and I let out, "Oh, shhh!" I promise I didn't finish that. It didn't hurt to hit her (which of course is what happened), it just startled me so badly. Lol. I think I only played for like 5-10 minutes at forward; Isaac put Rachel back in. I had a fun run.

Random Thought...

2007-10-05T15:48:00.001-06:00

Seriously? Saw FOUR?! (I'm talking about the movies, if you're confused.) I refuse to see any of those movies, and I don't see how people can stand them. I get that there are people who enjoy that kind of stuff, but I actually think it's kind of sad that THAT many people want to see that much carnage... and for what? It just goes to show how far we've fallen. We have a large portion of our population that loves to see extreme violence and people being mangled and killed.

Why?

Game Plan: Honor God

2007-09-25T10:19:00.000-06:00

Looking back on my blogs from last year when I had surgery, I talk about how happy I'll be to play again, and play for God's glory. I said,

Despite the junk, I don't regret this. You have to get through junk to get to the good stuff. I don't have to keep telling myself that this is worth it. Now I do look beyond the crutches, the bandages, and the inability to do simple stuff. I see me training in the summer, looking forward to the season. I see me at soccer practice, keeping up with everybody (ahead of some). I see me playing in a game for as long as Coach needs me out there, not hindered by pain. And, most of all, I see me doing it all for God, because I know what it is to not be able to do it at all.

It always starts with good intentions, doesn't it? The thing is, I'm not real sure who or what I'm playing for now. I've been focusing on being injured, but evidently I'm no longer injured. My knee seems to be miraculously healed after nagging me for a good while. I'm definitely not complaining; I'm thanking God for it. However, am I showing that in how I play?

Saturday I kind of got frustrated, because my touch was severely lacking. I maybe got off a couple good balls. Despite not playing well, I should have had a better attitude. Getting frustrated did not make me play any better.

I have to move my focus from just playing well to playing as hard as I can because God has given me this ability to play soccer. I always cherish it most when I can't play; I need to be thankful for it when I am healthy, too - even more than when I'm not. I should have the attitude that I am blessed to be able to play soccer, and play it at a collegiate level. I believe we continuously forget that, and just complain about 6 am practices, ridiculous amounts of fitness, playing time, and/or petty feuds with the team. I pray to God that we remember why we are here.

My Weekend

2007-09-23T21:32:00.000-06:00

Huntingdon STOMPED Houston County Friday night. I mean literally. 49-7 stomped. Kellen played a lot, and even caught a few; I got to see a few of my good friends from home.

Saturday our JV team beat Hiwassee 2-0. It should have been a bigger defeat, but oh well. I played for almost forty minutes, and my knee (either one of them) didn't give me a bit of trouble. Now my main concern is fitness; I have a lot to catch up on in that area.

We didn't go camping Saturday night. Whatever. I still went home and spent time with Mom watching a movie and some Grey's Anatomy, ate Mexican with Mom, Kellen, and his girlfriend, and had an awesome talk with Mom about various things. Love nights like those.

I was about to leave home this afternoon when Kala called me and told me they were playing ultimate frisbee. I couldn't resist; I had to stop by for a little bit. It was fun playing, even though there were only six of us. Getting a little fitness in...

I'm trying to do homework now. Classes are making me feel stupid, and it's frustrating me. Physics, Calc II, Stats, Engineering... Blah.

From 8 am tomorrow till 8 am Tuesday, I will be without technology. That will include my cell phone, computer, and iPod. I'm not sure if I can use a calculator, watch, or alarm clock. I'm waiting to hear back on those items. It's for a friend who is doing an article in the Cardinal and Cream (UU's school newspaper) about students and their technology. I'm a little excited. Haha.

So, I have to do part of my physics test that's online tonight, because tomorrow I'm not allowed to use the computer. I'm getting on it...

Excitement!

2007-09-21T13:37:00.000-06:00

Tonight I'm headed to Huntingdon's homecoming game to watch Kellen play in his senior year. The boy has grown up so much, it's amazing - and a little scary. Yeah, it makes me feel old.

Tomorrow we have a JV game against Hiwassee. I'm not sure if I'm playing or not, because I may be redshirting the season. I need to talk to the coaches today to see what's going on. After the game, I've asked the girls (the whole program) to come to my house for camping! Of course, it's not hardcore camping. I mean, we have a hot tub. Haha. It's going to awesome; I can't wait. Several of the girls seemed excited by the idea as well, which just makes me happier. :D

Oh, and I got Eisley's new CD and John Tucker Must Die. So sue me, I'm weak for media.

And chocolate.

Joy In Trials

2007-09-09T08:06:00.000-06:00

This past Wednesday, I was scheduled to see Dr. Antwine once again about my knee. It had locked up on me the previous Thursday, which scared me quite badly. They took an MRI that evening, and we found out the results Friday morning. Despite the opinions that it might be a torn meniscus, it was not. My IT band showed up on the MRI as the only complication or injury. Which is good, really, but I was disappointed. I wanted something that could be fixed. Something that had a definite end in sight. What I got was a problem that doesn't want to go away, that isn't fixed with surgery or a brace. So I kept asking myself, what am I supposed to do with this? Wednesday morning, it hit me: I was supposed to accept it.

It's not a matter of saying, "Man, I'm injured. Guess I'll just hang on the sidelines now." It's about my attitude. That's what it's always been about, I suppose. This whole time I've been struggling with why this is happening to me. How can I make this about growing in Christ and not wallow in my own misery? I had no idea. I'm still not quite sure, but I do know that there is a reason for it. We don't go through hell on earth for nothing.

In church this morning, I began to think about why we go through trials. Don't think that I'm about to go all prophetic and expose a great revelation; I think this is something I just kind of realized. It's something every Christian has thought about, I'm sure. Especially when we come across verses like Romans 5:3-5 --

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

I was first confronted with these verses in my freshman year by my boyfriend at the time. I was struggling with major frustration stemming from my calf issues (the eventually discovered chronic compartment syndrome). He gave me these verses, and it hurt me in a way. I thought, "How on earth could I be joyful about this? I just want to get through it, be done with it." However, they were in a way inspiring; I would be stronger because of what I was dealing with. It was a promise.

What if we didn't have trials? We would slide along through life with no speed bumps, no potholes, no worries, no frustrations.

But where would we end up?

We are born in sin. Just to curb that soapbox, we basically create our own trials - in a way. I won't get into that now, because that is not my focus for this spiel. Anyway, as a Christian, I came to the realization that I needed something more than myself to live and live well. I was hopeless without Christ. And having gone through what I've gone through, I know without a doubt that without my Savior, I would not be here today. I'm not saying that I have had even a halfway rough life; I am saying that I would have given up trying to make sense of everything - given up even trying - were it not for God pushing me forward, holding me up, telling me to keep going. There have been a few moments when I asked God to make me get back up, because I couldn't do it on my own. And He did. He made me return to my feet, fully leaning on Him. Do you know what that feels like? Sitting at rock bottom, waiting for something to appear, a foothold to reveal itself - and God takes your hand and pulls you back up. Just knowing that He wants to do that, yearns to do that, is in itself incredible. God was (and is) the only one who could save me. I couldn't do it, my family couldn't do it, my friends, anyone. No one but God. And although I went through fire to feel it, I believe I would do it all again: Because feeling that was feeling close to God, feeling His ultimate and unending love for me. And who am I to get that? Who am I to know what it feels like? NO ONE. But He wanted that for me. He had it all in His plan. I questioned Him, and He stayed faithful. He doesn't question me. He knows my soul, my heart, my all. He knows what I can handle, how much I can take. When I'm pushed past my breaking point, HE IS THERE. When I am weak, He is strong.

There is more to going through trials than the getting through; there are the moments when you get to use your experience, your heartaches, to help someone else. I've been talking with one of the younger soccer girls and have been able to say, "I know what you're going through, " to something she is struggling with. It's fulfilling. I am always looking for chances to help people, to be there for people. To know that I can encourage others that might be going through the same things I once went through is exciting. I have something to say! I have advice that comes from experiencing these things firsthand! So it's humbling now, to know that I have to be strong and faithful no matter what, because I want to be able to say that I did my best. I took the situation I was in and I found my way to God, I put my trust completely in Him. All that makes me thankful for my trials, for I realize now that it's not just about me. It's not just about me growing personally or spiritually. It's about touching others and helping them make it through - maybe even better than I myself did the first time around. This is the part where I assist others in learning from my mistakes. Why should I be the only one to learn from them?

So this past Wednesday morning, I was thinking about what the doctor would say. I was practically certain that I would be told to rest for a month or so. I was worried about it and thinking about how I would talk to Coach about redshirting the season. Then I stopped. I thought, this is ridiculous. Why am I spazzing about this? God has it in control. I don't know what He wants to do with this, but He always has a reason. Although I don't know that reason yet, I have to trust in Him and His plan, because He knows what He is doing. So I prayed that He would give me peace about the situation. I prayed that I would accept whatever happened - out for the season or not. I prayed that I would take this and grow and learn from it. I didn't know what was going to happen, I didn't know how I would become stronger through this: But I laid it down. I went to the doctor and he told me I could possibly play in a week. I wasn't positive that my knee would be better that soon after all this time, but I once again let it go. If God wanted my knee to be healed in a week (or less), it would happen. If not, so be it. I trust in my God, and my God alone.

Running Out Of Time and Reasons

2007-08-16T18:02:00.001-06:00

The list for the split between JV and varsity was posted today, and to no surprise of my own, I am on the reserve team. Unlike last year, we were given the choice to go talk to Coach; last year we found out which team we were on by individual meetings that lasted forever. I chose not to go to Coach. I didn't want to hear that it's about my knee. I was given that excuse last year, and I didn't want to hear it again, even if it is the case. I guess I also want to believe that that is the only reason I was put on reserve. So that when I heal from this, I can trust I'll be on varsity. Of course, that's not really safe; I'm going to get my hopes up before every varsity game thinking I might be on the list. Then get bummed real bad every time my name isn't there. Such was the case last season. Anyway, I told one of my friends that it sucks to get what you expected but not what you wanted. I've been down about my knee - another injury to hold me back, another reason for me not to play. When do I have enough reason to quit?

At the beginning of the summer, I was bound and determined to work my butt off and come to preseason ready to play, ready to show that I do belong on varsity. Instead I came into preseason hurt, out of shape from being sidelined, and incapable of playing. And all I can think is that I might have made a mistake. Maybe I should have never had surgery to keep playing; maybe God doesn't want me to play. Maybe I'm being stubborn by still playing after these injuries, thinking I have to keep going.

But I want to be able to say I played all four years of college soccer. I want to be able to say that I kept going, despite having these obstacles. I want to be able to say that I played with the Union University women's soccer team in the first four years of the program: That as the first player to sign, I was one of the last to leave.

But what will that mean? What will it mean if I'm not doing God's will? What if I am? And how do I know?

My sister asked me a great question: If I had known I would have to go through all the injuries, all the disappointments, everything I've had to go through from being on the soccer team...would I still have done it? I answered that I would. I wouldn't trade the friendships of any of the girls for anything. And I've learned a lot from going through this stuff. I know that it's a part of learning who I am, what I'm capable of. She also asked me if I'd felt like I'd missed anything because of being on the team. I don't feel like I have. I feel like I would have missed out on so much by not being a part of the team.

Another thing I keep thinking is that I have only one more year left. After this one, of course. I mean that I only have one year to work hard in the summer, come in for preseason, and give Coach cause to put my name on the varsity list the first time around. Because I know I can do that. That is, if I don't get some other random injury or stupid syndrome that hinders me from being the player I can be.

But I'm still going to fight this year. I'm going to work hard and try to gain a spot on the varsity roster for at least three games. Maybe more. That's my goal. As many varsity games as possible. I have to keep believing that I belong there. I have to be stubborn in not giving up. I have to keep running even after it feels like I can't do any more.

And I have to keep praying to God and ask Him to tell me if I'm doing the right thing.

Moving On

2007-08-03T23:33:00.000-06:00

Come Monday I will be back at Union, ready to dive into preseason - as much as you can when you're injured, anyway. I love preseason. I enjoy hanging out with just the girls, without school, having the campus to ourselves...minus the running part. I do usually enjoy the soccer part, playing scrimmages and such.

I remember coming in freshman year, not really scared but more excited than anything. It all came in a rush: Meeting the girls, getting to know their names, playing Assassin, starting college soccer (for real). It was so reassuring when everyone else came on campus, and I already had a whole team of friends surrounding me. Of course, I made friends outside of the team quickly, especially with two non-soccer roommates. But I was always closest with the team, and always knew I had a group of people I could turn to. Freshman year went by before I realized it - before I could miss it.

Sophomore year I came in knowing what was in store, and psyched about it. It was a little overwhelming coming in to meet what seemed like a whole new team. A whole new group, with more amazing people. Drama happened, I got on a roller coaster and found that I couldn't make it just leaning on myself. With its ups and downs, that year will turn out to be one of the most defining of my life.

This year... I come in wanting to know each girl - old and new - for who they truly are. I want to do this year right. I want to try my hardest - and be content with where that gets me. I want to guard my heart while not letting fear guide my every move. I want to let go of the past and hold on to what really matters. I want to give it all to God, remembering that if not for Him, I would have quit like I wanted to so badly.

I don't think this year will be easy. What year is ever easy? There are always the good, the bad, the ugly, then the absolute miracles. I expect myself to know my boundaries and to have learned from my mistakes - and the mistakes of others. I want to stay strong while being vulnerable. Strong in who I am; vulnerable in the way I should be in order to become close to those I care about without throwing it ALL on the line for the wrong person - or reasons.

I feel like this is the year I prove myself to have grown in God - and become a woman. It's strange to think that that is where I am: Womanhood. Am I truly there yet? I want to say that although I am, there is so much more I have to learn. And I have my whole life to do it. But that doesn't seem like enough time. I know that I will never learn everything; only God knows that, and that's only because He's been here for it all, through it all, created it all.

It's daunting to think that I have this knowledge that must be passed on to those around me, yet exciting to realize that I do have that knowledge. I do have something to say, something that might help someone else get through the pain life sometimes brings. Something that will give someone courage to keep fighting, no matter how bleak and desolate it looks from where she is standing. For me to be someone who I wish I had had... Someone who I longed for, but did not truly search for... Someone who was there all along, waiting on my heart...

Isn't that why I'm here? Isn't that how I can serve my God? Isn't that what He calls me to do, to be? Isn't that my heart's deepest desire?

I am here.

Be Careful What You Wish For...

2007-07-03T19:03:00.000-06:00

I ended up getting the job I thought fell through. At first I was glad; now I wish it was over. Haha. Ten hour days are ridiculous, and I plan to never do them again. At least the pay is pretty good. And I like the two older women that I work with in the back as an inspector. We have several good laughs throughout each day.

Because of work, I cannot wait to get to preseason. Evidently our Ohio trip was cancelled, so the move-in date has changed. It wasn't a big deal to me, until I was working yesterday. I was inspecting an order and just thinking about random things when I realized: I can go to Richard's wedding now! Haha. The day we were originally to move-in was the day before his wedding, and we were to leave for Ohio the day after we moved in. But now it's moved to two days after the wedding! I kind of said, "Oh!!" while I was working, and Diane (one of the women I work with) looked at me confused and said, "What?" So I told her what I had just realized. She laughed and said, "Well, we know where your head is now!"

I've been having problems with my knees since I started my summer training. My right knee is just the cartilage under my knee cap being worn, so I knew I would just have to deal with that. But my left knee is something different. Mom and I looked it up on the internet, and we came up with the IT (iliotibial) band being too tight. Anyway, long story relatively short, I saw Lee Ann, our team athletic trainer my freshman year. Thankfully I still had her cell number. I met with her Saturday, and she confirmed that it was my IT band that was the problem. I'm working with her now to get it right, so we'll see how it goes. I need to get rid of this now before preseason.

You know, I want lasik surgery. I'm tired of using contacts and/or glasses. I went to the eye doctor yesterday, and I asked him about the surgery. He says I should wait four years! :( However, I AM the perfect candidate. Haha. That's what he kept telling me. I don't want to wait that long, but I also don't want to get it done then have to get it redone or something. Evidently your eyes continue to develop or change until you're in your mid-twenties. And there's a good chance mine will get worse in the next four or five years. Anyway, he did give me some new contacts; mine were giving me problems. Of course, with all the crap from material floating around in the air at work, it's no surprise my contacts always feel like there's something on them when I put them in in the morning.

A Quickie...Well, In My Terms, Anyway

2007-06-14T13:42:00.000-06:00

Just a few quick updates...

Vacation was pretty sweet. As always, white water rafting was awesome; our guide was the greatest and was definitely a major factor in us NOT falling out of the raft. The hot air balloon ride was something new and interesting. They inflated the balloon, took off, and and landed on a boat. Ask me for more info...

The job fell through. Evidently they found someone who would be able to work past the end of July. Therefore, I am looking again, but not looking too hard. It's just hard to know what I should do, where I should go...

Online calculus is difficult. And confusing. Half the time I'm not real sure if I'm doing the class right; I'm not even sure I have the right book, because for some stupid reason Jackson State (through whom I am taking the class) didn't have it! Ridiculous...

I'm missing some friends from school. Most are so far away! At least I can hang out with at least a couple in Memphis...

Goal for the summer: Hang out with some people from around here that I haven't hung out with in a while. My close H-don friends are few, but they are definitely worth my time.

Now if only people from school would CALL ME BACK!

Vacation!

2007-06-06T00:45:00.000-06:00

I am finally in Incline Village, Nevada (right on the shore of Lake Tahoe), after what seems like four days. Haha. It was a long trip. Our original flight plans got totally rearranged, which definitely caused some frustration; however, we made it alive and in relatively good moods. Believe me, the making it alive part seems like quite a miracle after a crazy (but probably typical) taxi driver flew at 80 miles per hour in Los Angeles with five of us in his van and our last flight landed right side first (which we were told was actually a landing tactic that prevented us from hitting the ground and flipping over...who knew?). We did get to see a tiny bit of L.A. and Santa Monica Pier. And I sat next to a really nice lady flying from L.A. to Reno. She was asking me questions and stuff, and she said, "Well, aren't I being nosy?" I just laughed and said it was perfectly fine. I didn't mind. She grew up in L.A., so we went through the same routine I go through with every other Northern/Western coast person I meet: My "unfamiliar" manners, the accent (it's cute, not too much), the apparent presence of their own accents (which other people tell them about but they don't quite believe). You know, the usual. ;)

As we came up and down the mountain, we were bombarded with snow. I told the family, "Everywhere I go, I bring the snow with me!" First Indiana, now Lake Tahoe. It should warm up considerably by the weekend. I think it also gets quite a bit colder here at night. We were told that yesterday it was up in the 90s. Wow.

Sounds like Tennessee!

Trust, Friends, and a Spastic Intro

2007-05-28T21:47:00.000-06:00

I've almost got a job for the summer, working at a sports clothing factory in McLemoresville. I'll probably start after we get back from vacation. Speaking of vacation, that should be pretty cool. We're going to Lake Tahoe; I don't know what all we'll do. I want to do things like rent jet skis, waterski, and such. Whatever we do, it'll be fun. On to more serious matters... ;)

I think sometimes I believe I'm the only one who cares. I mean, in friendships - sometimes it seems one-sided. I'm discovering more and more that's not the case. It is just another stupid belief I tend to have. It probably has something to do with this sort of fear I have: I don't want to impose on people; if they don't want me around, I don't want to make them be around me. I want to be with those who want to be with me. In a way, it basically gets down to having people like me. Or, rather, a fear of people not liking me. I guess. Haha. Anyway, it's possible that I have begun assuming that people don't want me around, that I'm a burden. Even though I know that's not completely true, I'm sure there are some people that don't really care to be around me. Not a lot, anyway.

So, back to supposedly being the only one who cares, I just am never sure how much people truly like me. I don't know how much people enjoy me being around. I promise I'm not fishing for compliments here; I'm just telling you how I think it goes in my head. It probably also goes deeper, into me not trusting people. I don't trust people like I used to.

For spring break this year, I went to a friend's house in Indiana with another friend (all from the soccer team), and we were just hanging out one night. We pulled out the cards from a game I have, Would You Rather. Not a bad game, but it's actually more fun to just read the questions and discuss them. So, that's what we were doing. The question comes up: "Would you rather trust everyone or trust no one?"

I couldn't really decide. When you trust everyone, you open yourself up to a world of hurt. People disappoint you by breaking your trust; a lot of people find out a lot of things about you that aren't necessarily things you need to share with everyone. Trusting people means letting them in, and letting them in makes it easier for them to hurt you - whether they mean to or not. Those you trust are, well, trusted to hold parts of your life, your heart (wrote a blog about that a while back, by the way). And those are fragile. So, trusting everyone is not really the smartest thing to do. Nor the safest.

But trusting no one? It's hard. And it may actually hurt more than being hurt by being betrayed through your trust in someone else. It's separating yourself from everyone and not allowing anyone to help you get through life, and life is tough to get through. I tried trusting no one, and where did that get me? Miserable, weak, self-loathing - rock bottom. John Donne once wrote, "No man is an island unto himself." How true that is. We are all affected by one another, and thinking we can get away with shutting ourselves off from everyone is ludicrous. Furthermore, thinking that trying to go it alone is better than leaning on everyone else is plain insanity. It can cause you to lose your mind - or almost.

So what then? What are you supposed to do? I assume there's some kind of balance; a middle ground that, while not perfect, allows you to exist halfway comfortably. You know who you are and who your true friends are. There are those you like to be around, but don't confide in. When you have a crisis or problem, you know who you can turn to, who will tell you the absolute truth without sugarcoating it, who won't laugh at you for thinking the way you do.

I've basically been at both ends of that spectrum, between trusting everyone and trusting no one. Both hurt. Both have downsides and upsides, just like everything else in life. Now I'm trying to find where I'm supposed to be in the spectrum. Where is my utopian balance? That's what I want to know. I also want to know who cares. There are those obvious people: my family, certain friends that have stayed by me, no matter the distance - physically or metaphorically.

But there are also those who are not so obvious; those I didn't know cared that much for me. It was amazing to discover that there was a friend who wanted so badly to be one of those people I called a best friend. You don't know what that meant to me. Maybe I thought I was the only one who stalked people (JUST kidding) I wanted to get close to. Sorry if that kind of creeps you out; I promise it's not obsessively weird or anything. I promise. It's that I didn't think anyone wanted that of me. Like, who am I to be sought after? I can't think of the right phrasing for this, but I think you probably know what I'm saying.

It's nice to know who your real friends are, but it usually hurts to find out. It hurts to lose friends, especially those you thought you could trust, those you thought would be there for you. Sometimes it turns out that it depended on what you needed them for. And being there for people...it's one of my biggest desires in life, but it can be so difficult. Finding the right words to say is not easy for me, not really. And sometimes, it hurts to stay. You want to be there, but it may take all you have to do it. Is it worth it? When is enough enough? When does the time come when you have to simply walk away? Or does that come? Did someone just say that so that they could take the easy way out?

The easy way out. It looks so good. And, well, easy. But I'm stubborn. And I like to fix problems, even though this is not really an issue of fixing a problem. At least, I don't think so. As to what it is an issue of, I'm not real sure. Maybe I'll think of it tomorrow. For now, I'm going to bed.

Summer Has Come!

2007-05-21T22:27:00.000-06:00

It's finally summer! Of course, it's kind of been summer for a few days - for us Union students, anyway. The last week has been crazy; even after my finals were over. With finals week, there is always the necessary last minute hang out times. Haha. That is in-between the studying, of course. ;)

I'm glad to be out. Not that everyone isn't; this semester has just seemed really long to me. Thankfully, though, now it's over. As for the summer...I have no clue what's in store. I'm trying to get a job somewhere. I applied at Wal-Mart, but I haven't gotten an answer yet. I forgot to put a number for my last job, so maybe that messed me up. They won't take me! Haha. We'll see what else I can find.

I'll also be working out a LOT this summer. I've gotta get ready for preseason and "new and improved" fitness tests! Woohoo. Yeah, I was real excited when Coach gave me the summer packet and I discovered the new times for our fitness tests come preseason: 10:42 for the mile and a half and 20 seconds for each of ten sprints. Yay. We'll just see if that happens. My main concern is being as game-fit as possible. I honestly don't have much faith in passing those fitness tests, but I can be game-fit before I can pass one of those tests. The CCS (chronic compartment syndrome) won't allow it. It's easier for me to play a game for ninety minutes than it is for me to run five miles. Or four, maybe even three. Therein lies the conundrum. I want to come into preseason as fit as possible; I just don't know if that means being able to pass the fitness tests. I guess we'll just have to see about that as well.

My room is almost habitable. Almost. I've been sleeping in Lauren's room (as I believe I will tonight as well), because there has been WAY too much junk on my bed to even consider moving it. Nor was there enough room on the floor to put any more stuff. Ha. My room was a disaster area. Mom and I got a lot of stuff done in there today, but it's still struggling.

By the way, I hate the internet at home. I love living out in the country, but when it comes to high speed internet, it ain't happening. It's slow as molasses. It means I won't be checking everything as frequently. At school I checked constantly because once I turned it on, it would stay on. And it took all of five minutes to check everything and reply to whatever I had. Now it's a completely different story. I'll be lucky if I check it two or three times a week now. Although, I really don't expect to get much in the way of wall posts, comments, or e-mails that aren't from companies.

I believe I'm catching up on all the sleep I lost from the last semester. Which is pretty awesome, but it seems as though I am way behind. This may take a while.

Growing Up

2007-05-08T15:21:00.000-06:00

Ethan Cole Duncan has entered into the world! Cynthia had him about 2:30 this afternoon. I got to see both mother and baby soon after. It is amazing. HE is amazing. He's six pounds, ten ounces, and twenty and a half inches long with practically a head full of black hair and big feet. Haha. I got to hold him, too.

I was with Cynthia in the labor and delivery room yesterday afternoon. She was having minor contractions as I talked to her. And while I was in there, I thought: "How did we get here?" I mean, how did we get from worrying about prom and graduation to having kids? Don't freak out, I'm not having kids...yet. Cynthia and I graduated together, for those of you who weren't aware of that. Since when are we old enough to start families? Since when are we adults? I don't consider myself to be an adult; I turn twenty in ONE WEEK, and I am anxious about it. Seriously, I am a little nervous. And I'm not even sure why! I'm getting older. It just keeps hitting me. I'm supposed to be "grown up", and half the time I don't even know what that means! What does it mean? Getting married, having kids, having a job, paying taxes? Honestly, it scares me. I feel so...unprepared. Like I don't have a clue what I'm doing. Of course, most of the time I'm pretty sure I don't.

However, I am kind of looking forward to it. I want to get married, definitely. And watching Cynthia over the last two days really made me think about the (possible) day that I'll be in her spot. That's absolutely scary to think about, but also quite invigorating. I can't explain it. I want to have children; I have no doubts about that. As for the job and taxes, those can wait. ;)

As I stood in the hospital room with Cynthia, Ethan, and their family, I began to cry. I'm overly emotional, as you probably know, so this is not unusual. Seeing Cynthia holding this brand new life was just unbelievable. I'm not quite sure I believe it yet. As I texted to Mom and told Cynthia, it was just crazy.

So, this growing up thing is scary and exciting at the same time. I just hope I figure out what I'm doing as I get older.

This Is the Time

2007-04-29T16:20:00.000-06:00

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything,
a season for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to rebuild.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to lose.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak up.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

It's Hard

2007-04-26T23:27:00.000-06:00

It's hard, this living thing. This getting up every day and being with people and doing work/school and dealing with problems and trying to make sense of it all - it's hard. Sometimes it seems too hard. Sometimes you feel like you can't deal with this right now and if anything else goes wrong...you won't make it. Some days you just lay in bed and wonder if you can make it through the day period, much less without breaking down. You wish you could just lay there and skip that day and whatever problems it may entail. You wonder if it would make a difference if you didn't show up to class or just ran off somewhere and disappeared for a little while; would anyone notice? Would anyone worry or really be concerned about you? Would someone take the time to try and reach you in some way; not because someone else told them to or they felt obligated to but because they truly want to know how you are.

So many days I wondered that. So many days I've wasted wondering if I could just skip out; could I run away from this situation, this problem. And knowing that that is a childish way to deal with things and definitely not a solution doesn't change the fact that you don't think you can get through it for one more day. How many times did I wonder if people around me saw me - really saw me? I was walking, talking, and breathing, but oh the pain involved. Every breath was a trial, every word was a fight, every step was exhausting. Who saw that?

Buckle in; this is a long ride.

I was angry. I've never thought of myself as one to hold grudges, but I believe I've changed that opinion. It depends on what was hurt. My pride? Puh. What pride? Shoot down my pride till it has no wings for all I care. I don't need it. My intelligence? I don't much believe in it anyway. ;) My heart? That's another matter. I give you my heart and you throw it away? Oh, the grudges I can hold. The anger I can repress, the bitterness I can direct. It's hard, having your heart forsaken and undervalued. Especially when what matters to me is that I can share my heart with you in order for you to share your heart with me. When you shut me off, when you turn me away - you break my heart. But tell me the truth! Don't act as though I am something to be protected from the facts at all costs; don't undermine me. I can take pain. And I HATE lying. I hate false love. And never tell me we will be friends forever, because it doesn't happen that way. Not always, and maybe never. I haven't found out yet, but I have found that you should never say something you can't guarantee. You may want to be friends forever all you like, but you can't back it up. Not truly. I can tell you that that's how I want it to be; however, I will never tell that that's how it WILL be. Because I don't know. Only God knows, and He's not telling.

So many things to be concerned about... It's hard. I have to think about being at Union for another three years, who my fourth roommate will be for next semester, trying to be an example for others, supporting my friends the best I can, and thinking about having to step into a position I don't believe I am yet equipped to occupy. But what can I do? I have made a choice to keep going. I have made a choice to not run away, not take the easy route. Maybe there will be days that I regret that - and those have come - and wish I hadn't been so stubborn, but I know that in the end I made the right choice.

What about the end of the day? What if I got to the end of each day and was able to say, "I made the right choices today. I did the right thing and didn't take the easy way out. I did what I could to be who God wants me to be and didn't make excuses for it."? A sense of accomplishment would follow that realization. I don't know that I've ever had a day where I could really say that I made all the right decisions that day. How many people could? But there are days that I have moments in which I can say, "I did it. I did the right thing. It was hard, but I did not back down; I stood my ground." And though that's all I have, that is what I will take. I don't often feel good about myself, so I have to relish those spare moments.

I think about those bad days and those good days. And I wonder if, truly, neither of them are wastes. There have been long periods of time in my life when I have been mad at the world, having an extended pity party, and/or struggling to get through each minute. At one time I considered my whole first semester as a senior a waste, because I was bitter and had a horrible attitude about everything - all because my "best friend" betrayed my trust. But was it? It makes me appreciate these times, in which things are okay - I'm okay - but hard. It's always hard. No matter how well things are going, something always comes up. Something always doesn't go exactly as planned. And maybe you do take it in stride, but it is still a bump in the road - and who likes bumps? However, we are supposed to enjoy life, every day of it. It is a gift from God. So, those days where we feel like life is stupid and this is not worth the pain and we should run away from our problems instead of facing them...that is not us enjoying life. At the moment, we're resenting it. We ask, "Why am I here if all I do is screw up? Why can't this be easy?"

God never said it would be easy. He also said that we would screw up. Constantly.

So try. Try to be someone trustworthy. Try to be someone you would hang out with. Try to help others. Try to put others before yourself. Try not to worry about what people think. Try to see those who are hurting and reach out to them. Try to be there for those who refuse to let anyone else be there for them. Try to bring people together. Try to be a peacemaker but also a revolutionary. Try to be a leader but also a devoted follower. Try to be an amazing friend. Try to find people who love you for you and don't ask for anything else. Try to do the right thing. Try to be your best. Try to be yourself. Try to be who God wants you to be. Try to do what He wants. Try to follow His plan before forming your own. Try to take things in stride and deal with issues wisely. Try to think before you speak. Try to do what you can. Just try.

Trying doesn't guarantee results. It definitely doesn't guarantee you'll get it right. But without trying...what are you doing?

Nothing.

And what will you get from that?

Nothing.

Yes, giving up is an option. But what excuse do you have for quitting? Yes, it's hard. But what reason do you have for it being otherwise? We bring this upon ourselves, no matter how much we whine about life being unfair. Of course life is unfair; we make it unfair. We make the good bad and the bad good. We let things slide until we can't ignore them, but then it's too late. We make innumerable mistakes, then expect our accomplishments to make a dent in the cities of degredation? 897450987023 + 41 does not equal zero; how can you expect a lifetime of wrongs plus three years or so worth of good deeds to come to a different sum? The thought of earning your way to Heaven is absolutely ludicrous! There cannot be a scale on which God weighs our good and bad; one side would hit the ground every time. The same side. Don't ask why life is hard; ask God for His mercy and grace to get through it.

Try

2007-04-24T18:33:00.000-06:00

It's not easy
Stepping out
Stepping up
Bring us together

There are wrongs
In and out
But don't mistake me
There are rights

What to say
And what to do
They all elude me
Clouded mind

You say what you will
But, oh, what you have
And now - what you do
What is there left

Not a choice
No way to abolish
Take up your torch
Bear it as you can

So much to fix
Too much to know
And where to start
Only God knows

But - we can try
Start it slow
Build it through trial
Do something - anything

Letting it slide
Waiting for self-resolution
Is simply asking for
Implosion eventual

So here I stand
Asking you to try
I don't know what else to do
When you sit idly by

The Best Friend

2007-04-12T13:10:00.000-06:00

When I was really young, I would sometimes wish for a friend that didn't talk. All he or she would do would be to listen to what I had to say, without interrupting me. I wanted someone to hear my thoughts; I could talk and talk and never stop. Now, I was a pretty quiet kid. I didn't talk as much as my brother, who could never seem to shut up. Lol. We've kind of switched now, but that's how it was back then. I guess I just had all this stuff to say that I didn't think people would understand or want to hear, so I held back and restrained my words.

These days, I don't wish for that. That would be boring. I could talk to myself all day long, but where would that get me? I realize now how that wish was a little ridiculous, but, come on - I was just a kid! Sometimes I still feel like a kid, though. Sometimes I remember that time and wonder what that would be like. Things get to accumulating in my head, and I want to just ramble on about everything that flits through my mind. Writing it takes too long - not if I want to get it all down. And it's not that I just want to get it out; I actually want people to hear it. I doubt that it would make much sense, though. Sorry...like I always do, I am digressing. I will continue on my original path now...

Now my desire is to have a friend that shares his/her life with me. It's a mutual thing; it's not just me talking about what's going on in my life. I want to hear about the other person's life, too. And, thankfully, I have at least one friend with whom that happens. Which is great. However, we don't have the chance to spend a lot of time together, and we miss out on a lot in each other's lives. As a result, it's not an ideal situation.

But what if there is someone who can be the perfect best friend? Someone who has seen everything you've been through, and is there in every moment of your life? Someone who can read your mind - even better than you can? If you haven't figured out who I'm talking about, I'm talking about Jesus.

When you meet new people and become friends with them, no matter how close you get to them there are pieces of your life that they just haven't shared with you. They may know about your past, but it's what you've told them, not what they've been through with you. They didn't truly see the effect things had on you, how different you used to be. How different you are now. I've found myself wishing that some of my newer friends could have seen me before - before I got to college, before I grew up in a way, before I was this damaged. I wonder how they would look at me now if they knew my past. Would it change anything? I don't know. But I wonder.

There are moments in your life when you experience ultimate joy or depressing sadness, and you wish that your best friend was there to share it with you or help you through. Describing it to them later just doesn't cut it. They had to have been there.

Jesus was there in my past. He is here in my present. And, of course, He'll be there in my future. He has seen everything I've been through and knows how it affected me - much better than I myself understand. Every moment of every day, He is here. Countless times I take this for granted. I take it for granted more than I even think about it. Honestly, I think I don't get it. I can't really grasp the idea of Him being by my side constantly. Can you? The only experience we have with someone "being there" is with people who come and go; we can't comprehend an eternal presence beside and inside us. It's beyond our understanding.

On to another part of this: When I was having a hard time last semester, I shut myself off from basically everybody. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to and didn't really feel like talking to anyone. Because of that, I felt as though I didn't have any friends. Then I would think, "I have God." But that thought actually did nothing but make me sad. Why? Because I wanted someone who would also talk to me and tell me about themselves. Sure, I could talk to God all day, but I didn't believe I would get a response. I didn't expect to. That was my mistake.

God does respond. And He does tell us about Himself...if we listen. I have to confess that I still am VERY inexperienced in this area and have no clue how to go about it. I just know that it happens. I thought God couldn't be my "best friend" because He wouldn't share Himself with me, but I was oh so wrong! We go through hard times in life, because we have to learn to lean on Him. When we do so, He brings us close to His heart and shows us the lesson in the fire. He gives us a way to grow and mature - in Him. Jesus has been on this earth, and He knows how it is. Why do we continuously forget that? I know I do. One more thing I take for granted, among so many others. He does share Himself with us, because He shows us how limitless His mercy, grace, and love are.

So, in essence: Jesus is the perfect best friend. He is perfect, after all. And, of course, there is that little fact that...

He is God.

One of the Best Weekends EVER!

2007-03-26T08:49:00.000-06:00

How glad am I that I decided to be in the Variety Show? Pretty dang glad. Haha. I'm also very glad that Jen helped me get backup singers/dancers! I'm almost positive I wouldn't have won without them. Seriously. I had so much fun; I felt like I hadn't performed in forever, and I keep forgetting how much I love it. There is a complete difference between performing someone else's song and performing your own or even just playing guitar. I like playing the guitar, because it gives me something to do with my hands. Haha. Without the guitar, though, I get to let loose. And wearing a dress most people would never imagine me wearing? Yeah, I'm a different person. But still entirely me, if not more than usual. Make sense? It's another side of me that doesn't get out often. ;) It was really funny afterwards when people said things like, "You didn't tell me you could sing!" Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself properly: "Hi, I'm Daron! I can sing and love to do it. What's your name?" Lol. I will try to stop neglecting to mention that fact whenever I meet someone new. One of my friends about died when she saw me before the show. She was laughing. I believe it was a shocked kind of laughing, like she didn't know what else to do and couldn't believe it was me. It was pretty funny. I know about 90% or 95% of the Union community has never seen me with makeup on, much less with such a dress on - so I'm sure it was a shock for those who know me. Anyway, it was a blast and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Not so much makeup next time, though.

Saturday was a slow day; one of those good slow days when you can just chill. Last week felt so hectic and I was feeling the need for spring break, so Saturday was a good slow down day. That night we had a softball game, which we actually won! I don't know what happened; I mean, we were actually hitting! Haha. We ended up killing the other team 22-5. Harsh, I know. We scored 17 points in one inning! It was crazy. Everybody on the team was like, what the heck is going on? We're really hitting the ball and scoring! Of course, there were many fielding errors on the part of the other team, so we can't take all the credit. I'm going to stop, cause I don't want to sound mean or something. Oh, yeah...I slept in until 12:30, and I felt AMAZING. Finally, I felt entirely rested for the first time in a long time.

Yesterday - Sunday - was a good day. I went to church, made lunch, hung out outside, wrote my YoungLife talk for today, hung out in the commons, then went back to the room to get ready to go to the FLYLEAF CONCERT! I bought tickets for Brittany's birthday, which was last Monday. They played at Newby's in Memphis. It was quite an experience. Haha. I've never been around that many people with beer; I've never been around more than like three people with beer. Lol. And cigarettes. Oh, man - Brittany and I wanted to punch this one girl who was smoking...and looked about eight months pregnant. I coulda smacked her so hard. And her boyfriend/maybe husband was looking stupid with his shirt off - not that he was the only one. Also, there was almost a fight that went down like right in front of us. Evidently one guy didn't like getting involved in a mosh pit. There was never a hardcore mosh pit; it was just a small group pushing each other around. I thought about jumping in, but I decided not to. ;) Brittany and I both had beer spilled on us, which was definitely unpleasant. Besides all that, it was AWESOME!!! There were four bands that played, with a half hour in-between each one to change sets. It went from seven until eleven; we were standing the whole time. The first band was Resident Hero, who was the only unsigned band on the tour. They were pretty good. Next came Fair to Midland, whose lead singer either was or just acted like he was high. Half the time he would kind of stand there looking like he was lost, and the other half of the time he looked like he was having seisures and convulsions on stage. I didn't really care for them as much, and it wasn't because the lead singer was crazy. After them, Skillet came on. Now, I've heard of Skillet, and I'm sure I've heard their music, but I loved them! I thought it was so sweet that they had girls on the drums and a guitar. The lead singer looked pretty good, too. ;) I'm going to have to get hold of their stuff now...

Finally, Flyleaf came on! Oh, man. I can't even describe it. I have never been to a rock concert - not a real one. You know, I've heard Christian rock bands at youth retreats and stuff. This was entirely different. One difference was the fact that the sound was absolutely deafening; I'm still struggling to hear in my left ear. Haha. It was just...so cool. Lol. I really can't explain it; you just had to be there. What made it even better was the fact that Flyleaf (and Skillet) is a Christian band; it was surreal that they were in this place filled with people drinking, smoking, and possibly doing drugs. They get in these places that so many conservative Christians condemn as hellholes and won't touch. I'm not saying that we should all go on bar ministries. But I will elaborate...

There is this opinion voiced by some conservative Christians who believe that the only truly Christian music is gospel music. I'm not bashing gospel; I honestly don't care much for gospel. Anyway, they believe contemporary Christian music to be something from the devil or say that it doesn't belong in the church. Think about those people that won't come within five miles of a church, yet go to concerts religiously. How can they be reached with the Good News? We have an obligation to reach out to unbelievers and show them our faith; what better way to do that than through music? If you don't like Christian rock, don't listen to it! Don't go judging the Christians in the band or the ones who listen to them. It's not sacreligious to have drums, basses, or electric guitars with the Christian message. It's another ministry that is doing so much more than we know. Sorry, I found a soapbox to jump up on, and I'll stop now.

After the concert, we drove back to Jackson and ate at Steak and Shake, because we hadn't eaten since lunch. It was so much fun to spend that much time with Brittany; it doesn't happen very often. I got into bed a little after two. I thought about taking a shower before I went to bed, but I'd already taken two that day. I definitely got up earlier today in order to take one; I smelled like smoke and a little beer. I ain't putting up with that. The smoking pregnant girl's boyfriend/whoever turned around at one point and accidently blew smoke directly in my face. I gave him a face like, "Excuse me! What the heck do you think you're doing?" That's what it said. Lol. I waved my hand in front of my face, and he mouthed something that could have been, "I'm sorry." The music was going on, so there was no chance of me hearing him unless he put his mouth to my ear and yelled, which is what Brittany and I had to do. And we still couldn't hear each other most of the time! Still one of the greatest events of my life...

So, that about wraps it up. It's Monday, and there are FIVE DAYS until SPRING BREAK!!!! WOOHOO! I'm excited. This is the best I've felt on a Monday in a while; it's because I'm still floating on the cloud from last night, and spring break is so close I can taste it. Mmmm...

Spring break tastes good.

A Good Half Week

2007-03-11T19:29:00.000-06:00

It started on Thursday when I sang at Moe's for Moe's Union Night. It felt like I hadn't performed in forever! I was just the tiniest bit nervous - as I always get when I sing my original stuff on the guitar. Even though my throat was a little messed up (sinus infection that started), I did well. It was fun, and the completely relaxed atmosphere was awesome. There were a lot of people there, several of which were only there for me - how special did I feel! Thank you so much to everyone who came!!

Friday night some of us cooked dinner in the commons and had a sweet meal. Some time later another group of us took a walk to Sonic, taking some pictures along the way. That was interesting. Lol.

Then yesterday, the weather was pretty great. Several of us went outside and messed around - playing basketball, throwing softballs and a football, breaking windows... Okay, just one window. And it wasn't me. And we told commons, so it's okay. Haha. We also had a soccer game that - even though we lost - went pretty well. Everyone still has to work on conditioning; especially considering we have fitness tests in ONE WEEK. I'm....gonna die. I mean, I am SO messed. Anyway, we played a really good club team from Canadia (yes, I know I spelled it wrong) and lost three to one. I have this huge strawberry on the outside of my right thigh from sliding; it's a serious strawberry. I also have a few new bruises, as well as a devastating rejuvenation to a week-old one. Right after the game I rushed to the locker room to change then went back to the dorm to begin getting ready for the Swing dance, courtesy of Union SAC. Mind you, the game ended at 7:15, and the dance started at 8:00. I got ready fairly quickly, and we all (Emily, LJ, me, and our dates) got to the dance around 8:30. I ended up going with Emily's brother, Cooper. That was so much fun. LJ told me that I was no longer allowed to skip out of our dance parties and park on the couch, because I could dance. I wouldn't bank on it... We all had a blast and had good dates. Haha. Afterwards we went to Steak and Shake, cause I hadn't eaten anything since lunch. I was a little hungry.

Those were the high points. There were other things that happened - good, bad, in-between. Aren't there always? There are. Which is why we have to hold on to the good things and appreciate them. I have so much to be thankful for in the last few days than I've even come close to touching on in this blog. How is it so easy to forget how things could be when we get down? Maybe we just want to dwell on what's going wrong. That is so easy to do. I guess it could actually be considered easier than trying to focus on what has gone right. Maybe we're all pessimists at heart; I know I basically am.

But I am thankful. I am thankful for people who care about me. I am thankful for the gifts I have been given. I am thankful for the opportunities to use them. I am thankful for random plans. I am thankful for every friend I have. I am thankful for every friend I've lost. I am thankful for reconciliation. I am thankful for full disclosure. I am thankful for every person in my family. I am thankful for my family's willingness to support me in anything and everything. I am thankful for breathing. I am thankful for living - and I wonder how I could ever question its value.

Thank God.

"Blue Like Jazz" Love

2007-02-23T21:19:00.000-06:00

I have been reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. Absolutely amazing. If you haven't read it and/or heard of it, it is a series of essays on different topics concerning Christian faith. Miller is so candid and unreserved about everything; he does not hold back. (Yes, I am promoting it. READ IT.) I just finished one essay he wrote on love, "How To Really Love Other People." He talks about how it used to bother him that churches seemed to exclude and judge people who didn't fit in - those who didn't live right or weren't Christians or believed the "wrong things." He was attending this alumni social at a college, and the speaker, Greg Spencer, talked about relationships and the metaphors we use in talking about them. Spencer asked the crowd for phrases we use referring to relationships. As the crowd called out things and Spencer wrote them down, Miller began to realize that all of the metaphors being used were economic metaphors. Miller goes on to say:

And that's when it hit me like so much epiphany getting dislodged from my arteries. The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money. Professor Spencer was right, and not only was he right, I felt as though he had cured me, as though he had let me out of my cage. I could see it very clearly. If somebody is doing something for us, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity, or what have you, we feel they have value, we feel they are worth something to us, and, perhaps, we feel they are priceless. I could see it so clearly, and I could feel it in the pages of my life. This was the thing that had smelled so rotten all these years. I used love like money. The church used love like money. With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed the ones who did. The next few days unfolded in a thick line of melancholy thought and introspection. I used love like money, but love doesn't work like money. It is not a commodity. When we barter with it, we all lose. When the church does not love its enemies, it fuels their rage. It makes them hate us more. ... I replaced economic metaphor, in my mind, with something different, a free gift metaphor or a magnet metaphor. That is, instead of withholding love to change somebody, I poured it on, lavishly. I hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people from the mire and toward healing. I knew this was the way God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson. Here is something very simple about relationships that Spencer helped me discover: Nobody will listen to you unless they sense that you like them. If a person senses taht you do not like them, that you do not approve of their existence, then your religion and your political ideas will all seem wrong to them. If they sense that you like them, then they are open to what you have to say.

That is my favorite part so far. We show our disapproval of others, trying to change them. That's why we hear of people rejecting Christianity because they despise Christians; when Christians show nothing but loathing for them, how can we expect them to respond to the Gospel with such representatives? Why would they want to be part of a group that shows nothing but disdain for them? We must love them - unconditionally - in order to win them. My favorite Bible verse is 1 Corinthians 9:19 - "Though I am free from all men, I make myself a servant unto all, that I might win the more." We must respect them. We must truly be Christ-like, loving everyone. It is our responsibility as Christians to love others, especially enemies. Loving them means not judging them. What right do we have to judge anyone? As a Christian, I know the truth, but that does not make me better than a nonbeliever. I do not have a right to be proud. I could be in their position; I was in their position. It is only by the grace of God that I am alive today and alive in Him.

FINALLY!

2007-02-21T13:11:00.000-06:00

Some decent weather! I was a little disgusted with the constant cut-to-the-bone winds of Tennessee winter. Check that, I was majorly disgusted. Thank You, Lord, for this beautiful weather! This is the kind of weather I love; fall is my favorite season with the almost-chilled winds and gorgeous sunshine that isn't too hot. I know it's turning into spring, but right now it's reminiscent of autumn. Spring's pretty nice, but fall stays on top because of the colors of the leaves and soccer. That's just how I feel about the whole season situation. ;)